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aoshi-shinomori- β That girl
Published: 2004-03-20 03:21:02 +0000 UTC; Views: 478; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 47
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Description
The black sand stretches out,My thirst pulls me to the shore,
Yet the nearer I get the further it is from me.
The sky is brimming with life,
Electrical discharges in the clouds,
Which move faster than they should.
I collapse upon the ground,
Black sand grating across my skin,
Gravity taking a hold,
As I feel my body giving in,
I rise up towards a light,
A body, a voice.
I almost see the music,
Drifting on the still air,
The being I find to be woman.
I am within reach of her brilliant-white skin.
Her blue eyes, her voice
They call to me.
I stretch out to herβ¦
I find myself drenched in sweat,
Upon my bed.
My dream that was so real was but a fantasy.
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Comments: 29
oooh i really like this one!!! it's wicked awesomtastic! i wonder if you know who this is *evil laugh*
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Why haven't I commented on this before? Your words are exploding raindrops, most exquisite to feel, yet too delicate to touch. The ethereal tones throughout the poem is so soft, melodic, haunting even.
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Woah, thanks for the very enthusiastic great comment, compliments to your imagery also, what a great comment... thanks again.
Aoshi
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why, thank you... *hug*
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It sounded like the person was dying at first, haha. I get it though.
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Well, I guess the person was dying at first, in a way.
Aoshi
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Thanks, I didn't really think it was that tragic though, thanks for the comment, it's good you enjoyed it.
Aoshi
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not horrible. too many commas though. punctuation is good, but overpunctuation is not.
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Thanks for the help, I'll have to incorporate that into my next poem, I like to use commas to emphasise my writing though, if you like this I recommend another poem of mine called With me Wherever I Go.
Aoshi
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i'll check it out. check this out for some self improvement perhaps.
[link]
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I know Suture, I have read a lot of his work and he is definetely someone to help make my work a lot better, thanks for the link.
Aoshi
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You like it? That's cool, I kind of thought it was bull.
Aoshi
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lol yes I like it (the Lark too) lol
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Thanks a lot.
Aoshi
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If you pin it yourself it will... MWAHAHAHA! Anyways, at least PPP will be on your side... Then again, the staff has more authority to kick your ass out of school, so... Umm... Happy Saturday Night!
Sag
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Sag? Hehe. Saggy Taki!!!
Aoshi
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Gee... I wonder which one... Hmm... Erm... Nope, can't decide... Post the Campion one...
FLASH FORWARD- ASSEMBLY, 2 WEEKS FROM NOW
"Will the person who goes for Aoshi Shinomori please report to Mrs. Green of myself at the end of assembly?"
Kin Ho and Saffie laugh uncontrollably...
FLASH BACK... Just back enough to the present...
Saf
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Hehe, let's post the Campion poem then.
It wouldn't get put up on the board.
Aoshi
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It's pretty nice, actually... Kinho's just a big-headed critic... Lol, just kidding... about the critic part... Anyhow, I perfectly understand what you're saying, why just last night I wason my forum posting about that with other people! Good job, and may you join our anonymous poem-postings!
Saf
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Which poem should I post, this or .... Campion.
Lol
Aoshi
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well i think its a nice poem and idea but needs to be worked on
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Of course it needs to be worked on, it's only my second poem.
Aoshi
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Wow, beautififical! hehe new word *huggles* XOXO
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Thanks.
Again.
Aoshi
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