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Aro-chan — The Casanova... And The Coquet
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Published: 2010-02-03 17:53:58 +0000 UTC; Views: 1242; Favourites: 27; Downloads: 36
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Description
Branched out a bit with this one, but what I want to know is whether the tragic love story seems realistic and whether the title, the background, the formatting and the poem in general go together?if this gets into a very important bit of feedback I want is on this poems proffesionalism, pointers from every angle. Although I am an essentially emotional writer I tried draw a balance between the cynism and the tragedy and am wondering if I pulled it off or didn't. It was rather hard to pull this together without making it go on forever, however basic the theme.
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Comments: 40
I loved this. However, I do have a problem with the background picture versus the poem.
The background is very bright and yellow, giving the reader a feeling of energy and happieness. While it does seem to match the first part of the poem - particularly where the man sets out to see, promising he will return - it seems to contrast with the rather depressing ending of the poem. Instead of this I would have the setting be a bit more to sunset and the boat sailing off into the darkness, however I know digging such a specific picture up is probably beynd you.
Again, however, this is very well written and I enjoyed it.
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Actually it was difficult just to find this. So think of it in a different light- think about the scene where he leaves being the turning point of the of the story, and important enough to warrant being the entire background. Besides, visualization is limiting that way. I didn't want a Romeo and Juliet image either.
Thanks a lot.
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Blah. Maybe I should edit.... again!
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Your prolly reading it upside down, silly ^_^
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lol... so thats it *turns upside down nd reads again*... OMG aro its amazing! SUGOI!... one ov ur best
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I don't believe in false humility?
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ws that a question or a statement?
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I like this piece. The poem is sweet, endearing to the characters being portrayed. Also, despite this being an experiment, I (personally) like the background image. Given a bit more practice, I think you could make a WONDERFUL visual literature artist.
Which brings me to my next point:
You should check out . It's a group aimed specifically toward visual literature pieces exactly like this! You should consider joining up.
Once again, great work!
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Thanks for the comment and yes, I've sent my request to join as a contributor.
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Awesome! I'll be looking forward to seeing works from you.
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I think 'coquet' should be 'coquette'.
Also, we never really get to see either of them living up to their names beyond a line or two in their introductory stanzas. It seems they have these reputations, but they overcome them instantly to be faithful and monogamous to each other. Even when the Casanova is off sailing around (and presumably being faithful to the Coquette?) I got the impression that he had been gone for a ridiculously long time, and the Coquette just moved on.
In that way, it was a little unrealistic of him to expect her to have waited, and to have been so offended by the fact that she didn't that he killed her. And I guess this is a little bit too srs bsns for a poem, but depending on the time period this is set in it would have been pretty much impossible for her to just support herself (doing what?) and deal with the stigma of being unmarried while he was off earning his money.
We also never get to see why "in her soul she was maimed". There are little details that would make this a really good story if you expanded on them a bit.
Oh, and in the line "But the loneliest child, alive, lives on" I think you can get rid of the 'alive'. It has a better rhythm that way and doesn't lose any meaning.
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Although this is the nicest comment you've given me so far it is also the only where I don't agree, except with the spelling of coquet. I don't know, I remember looking in the dictionary then but I'll check again.
I have not suggested they were faithful to each other, I have only said they were passionately in love. "Monogamous" would refer to marriage, faithful to- ah, you know.
It would not be unrealistic that a man who is passionately in love would put his search for fortune over the women he loves, and expect her to wait for him. Again, maybe not faithful to ech other.. but unmarried. A coquette can be coquettish and still be in love with one man. In fact, I think they are all like that.
And such a man, full of both his love for wealth and his desperate love for a woman I think would be capable of killing her... provided he was drunk enough.
Otherwise, thanks for your comments, and I just and I just had a look at your profile... I suppose any comment from you is real feedback XD
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Haha, I should absolutely write another journal entry T_T
I dunno, I guess it's not realistic of a guy to decide his search for wealth is more important than the woman he loves and expect her to be waiting faithfully for him when he comes home - if he comes home, because the sea is a dangerous place. I just think it's unfair, more than anything. Especially when it comes down to her dealing with the social stigma of being an unmarried woman. In a way, I suppose I'm not arguing against the way you've planned the story, but I'm protesting the attitudes of your characters in-story, so you've done a good job there XD To be honest, it's not a good thing to focus on for technical critique, so I'm sorry about that...
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I suppose you should 
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i like this a lot.
nevertheless, i agree with the people who've commented about the background image. maybe you could have the poem by itself and include the picture to accompany it--something like what this person did.
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I tried to do that... really I did. dA wouldn't let me.
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That's what I get for being new here ;__;
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I bet you if you made a few books, with this contained, they'd be read in the faraway years to come.
Merely an observation, but the background picture makes the text a bit difficult to read.
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I tried and tried and tried and TRIED to edit the deviation but it wouldn't. There was an entire issue with the preview and then a "Sorry you cannot enter null text.." when the text wasn't null =_=
What do you mean by your first comment by the way?
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I suppose this is a bit on the fanatical-side, but I suggested that if you were to publish a book of your poetry/prose, in which this piece was contained, that it would someday in the future become a respected piece of literature. I'm not the most grammatically inclined nor am I an exceptionally literate individual; however, I do believe your work has great potential. 
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Aw, that's sweet of you. I personally feel that I have good ideas but I lack the experience to pull them off professionally. And, I'm new to dA and this is really giving me an idea of where I stand and how I write,
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It's a nice poem telling a sweet story, but the presentation lets it down.
The photograph background, the two columns, and the way one half of the text is a little fuzzy all make it more difficult to read. (One column is also left-justified whilst the other is centred which seems a little odd.)
Personally, I would have just submitted it as a plain text poem and let the words paint the pictures. Again, it's a sweet story and I like the poem.
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Can I still edit? I'm not very good with visuals yet but they attract the eye.
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If you mean in regards to your submission to #theWrittenRevolution , then yes, you can. Your submission (which is still being voted on) is just a link to this deviation.
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Like I said, I think it would be more effective without the photo anyway.
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Then I hope it gets in edited.
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