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BathroomStallStories — Let This Heaven Burn You
Published: 2012-07-26 01:31:35 +0000 UTC; Views: 1574; Favourites: 25; Downloads: 14
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Description

"where is your heaven?"the man spat coldly."Where is it if we can't touch it?" he snickered and coughed out those many years of cigarettes. He started puffing another pack. I hoped he choked on those embers. My eyes rested at my feet, searching for an answer to grab me, but none did. He was growing restless yet satisfied with the entangling silence, "I was right, kids so caught up in questions they give no answers." my eyes rose to see a smug expression radiating off of him like poison; he was the lost that still won. "You going to say something?" he licked his reptile lips in amusement. "Whatever." he scoffed in a tired tone. He started walking away into the darker depths of the ally.


     

"It is where the sunflowers lie." I spoke barely above a whisper, my eyes followed him, he stopped.


     

"What did you say?" his shoulders hunched up as if pulled by a puppeteer, still facing away from me.


     

"It is where the sunflowers lie." I spoke louder. He turned toward me, closing the distance between us until I could smell the ash seeping from his skin. He puckered the tip of his cigarette and blew slowly out a smoke cloud that poured over my face. I released a small, weak cough.


     

"Now why is that?" he curled his lip with curiosity. I lifted my chin preparing for my response.


     "It is the closest thing I can get to heaven, and still be damned for my sins. My heaven is a sunflower patch. It is short, sprouted and strong. Watered with wealth, and grown to paradise. Until my soul is deemed unworthy, then I will be plucked and my stocks burned..." His expression was intrigued, his eyes glued onto me with a slightly gap mouth."and you can touch a sunflower patch."
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Comments: 50

Mythiril [2014-04-18 19:36:49 +0000 UTC]


hi there,
your lovely work has been featured here: April's Feature

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LivingDreamer97 [2013-08-07 20:14:36 +0000 UTC]

This is very cool and makes you think. A lot like the riddle "Why is a raven like a writing desk?"

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Ricardo-Orozco [2013-03-04 07:11:23 +0000 UTC]

I enjoyed every line of this short story. I want to write one just as inspiring as this one .

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taoMega20 [2012-10-20 04:34:21 +0000 UTC]

i think this story is beautiful

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sherlockholmes34 [2012-10-13 18:25:34 +0000 UTC]

Very well. You had an intruiging comcept.

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Sigma-Echo-Seven [2012-08-15 04:17:49 +0000 UTC]

Your description of the man in the first paragraph and the girl's response in the final one are remarkable!

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KelaLewis-Morin [2012-08-10 22:52:48 +0000 UTC]

nice well done I like this piece very original and creative

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Tei-rei [2012-08-05 08:00:19 +0000 UTC]

Wonderful piece and great concept behind it. My two little nitpicky things are spacing and capitalization. Other than those, great job.

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hefeigal [2012-08-02 23:36:16 +0000 UTC]

Nice work! I like the flow of the piece, and it's very dramatic!


I hate to nitpick,but I feel as if the line " "Where is it if we can't touch it?" he snickered and coughed out those many years of cigarettes" should be written, '"Where is it, if we can't touch it?" He snickered, coughing out countless years of cigarettes'. But it is your piece, and I don't mind if you don't take my suggestion!
Its a great piece nevertheless!

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BathroomStallStories In reply to hefeigal [2012-08-04 13:25:18 +0000 UTC]

Ooo! That is a great idea! Thank you so much! Could I possibly use your idea?

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hefeigal In reply to BathroomStallStories [2012-08-04 15:02:34 +0000 UTC]

Of course!

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JhansiKiRani123 [2012-08-02 20:24:46 +0000 UTC]

Really deep and emotional! You're an EXCELLENT writer! I sure hope I can write as good as this some day!

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BathroomStallStories In reply to JhansiKiRani123 [2012-08-04 13:26:22 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so bunches! It is much appreciated

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JhansiKiRani123 In reply to BathroomStallStories [2012-08-04 19:20:44 +0000 UTC]

You're welcome! It was really good!

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DamnatioMemoriae [2012-07-28 01:41:16 +0000 UTC]

original and great perspective. i can actually stand to read this, most perspectives i clash with. But this is very well said. nice job

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BathroomStallStories In reply to DamnatioMemoriae [2012-08-04 13:25:52 +0000 UTC]

Thank you very much, I am glad you liked it

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skyright [2012-07-27 14:23:01 +0000 UTC]

An absolutely amazing piece!

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BathroomStallStories In reply to skyright [2012-08-04 13:24:23 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much! ^-^

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one-rosy-cheek [2012-07-27 03:56:38 +0000 UTC]

You are extremely talented. Your descriptions and imagery are just wonderful.

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BathroomStallStories In reply to one-rosy-cheek [2012-07-27 12:54:01 +0000 UTC]

Thank you bunches! I'm glad you liked it

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Jacob-C-Wolf [2012-07-27 03:39:46 +0000 UTC]

Amazing work. Very lovely short story and how you seemed to show that everyone's heaven is different. I loved the intrigue. Good style too.

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BathroomStallStories In reply to Jacob-C-Wolf [2012-07-27 20:35:02 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so very much! It is much appreciated

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Jacob-C-Wolf In reply to BathroomStallStories [2012-07-27 20:35:29 +0000 UTC]

Welcome and anytime

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Kymira12 [2012-07-27 02:56:39 +0000 UTC]

Hello!

I have featured your piece in my Journal, you can find it here [link] . I would greatly appreciate it if you could possibly go and support the other artists featured. Have a good day!

P.S if you would like me to take it off my Journal or you would like to know why I featured your piece please Note me

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BathroomStallStories In reply to Kymira12 [2012-07-27 12:56:46 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much for this great honor! I will definitely check out all of the art on it, thank you!

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Kymira12 In reply to BathroomStallStories [2012-07-27 13:48:49 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much for taking a look and you're very welcome! ^.^

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rachelthepessimist [2012-07-26 22:55:49 +0000 UTC]

Very original! Also very well written, I love the description and detail!

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BathroomStallStories In reply to rachelthepessimist [2012-07-26 23:36:25 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much for that!

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rachelthepessimist In reply to BathroomStallStories [2012-07-26 23:39:17 +0000 UTC]

Here to love!

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NotenSMSK [2012-07-26 21:11:37 +0000 UTC]

This was a nice piece. I liked it since it was short and concise YET full of details which didn't bore the reader. also the question in itself was intriguing and different from what people see/write usually. The answer first raises doubts but after the reader realizes that symbolism is used, all is fine. Good work

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BathroomStallStories In reply to NotenSMSK [2012-07-26 21:29:36 +0000 UTC]

I'm glad you liked it! Thank you so much for that!

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NotenSMSK In reply to BathroomStallStories [2012-07-26 21:34:45 +0000 UTC]

You re welcome It was a really nice piece

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Glasddraig [2012-07-26 19:14:49 +0000 UTC]

How can this only have 15 faves and 180 views?

Personally, I enjoyed how metaphorical it is. "Heaven is a sunflower patch". The symbolism makes it, and hits Purgatory right in the heart. The meaning, everything.

Thank you for this piece. Keep writing!

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BathroomStallStories In reply to Glasddraig [2012-07-26 19:41:38 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much! I am very happy with the response the piece is getting and can't wait for submitting future posts. ^-^

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Glasddraig In reply to BathroomStallStories [2012-07-26 19:52:12 +0000 UTC]

Good. The piece is worth attention.

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LookingGlassInk [2012-07-26 13:26:42 +0000 UTC]

Outstanding work. I'm very impressed with the depth of emotion and the depth of characterization that you've managed to create in such a brief time. It's a clever story and I truly enjoyed it. Thanks so much for sharing!

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BathroomStallStories In reply to LookingGlassInk [2012-07-26 14:28:16 +0000 UTC]

Thank you very much! Thank you for reading and the comment, it means a lot!

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LookingGlassInk In reply to BathroomStallStories [2012-07-26 14:36:14 +0000 UTC]

Of course. Thanks for sharing your excellent work.

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tatterdema1ion [2012-07-26 09:42:11 +0000 UTC]

This is incredible. The characterization of neither the man nor the girl as being particularly loathsome or wrong or right or true was masterful. They both sit as people, albeit with great depth. And the manner in which both are jaded only differently really struck me. Furthermore, the style was such that the brief yet utterly profound story was not at all interrupted. Wonderful job; please keep up the excellent work.

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BathroomStallStories In reply to tatterdema1ion [2012-07-26 13:18:05 +0000 UTC]

Oh my goodness, I could hug you forever right now! Thank you so much for understanding what I was going for in this piece!

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Macadamiannutjob [2012-07-26 04:44:38 +0000 UTC]

Interesting. I like the descriptions you use on explaining the old mans features and I thought the story flowed really well.
It kept my attention because of a the bitterness of the old man and the feeble girl who becomes confident in her description of heaven.
Great story. Very creative!

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BathroomStallStories In reply to Macadamiannutjob [2012-07-26 13:15:32 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much for that! It is much appreciated. I'm glad I kept your attention that was what I was going for. Thank you bunches! (>^-^> <^-^<)

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Macadamiannutjob In reply to BathroomStallStories [2012-07-26 13:44:16 +0000 UTC]

You're welcome

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SubjugatedSandwich [2012-07-26 04:44:31 +0000 UTC]

That was so deeply meaningful. I especially love that last line, "...and you can touch a sunflower patch." It really drove the idea home.

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BathroomStallStories In reply to SubjugatedSandwich [2012-07-26 12:38:13 +0000 UTC]

Thank you very much I tried to get a good last line and I really hoped that would be a good one

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Animalgirl567 [2012-07-26 03:09:06 +0000 UTC]

I really like it. It really grabbed me. The idea is just amazing!

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BathroomStallStories In reply to Animalgirl567 [2012-07-26 03:11:06 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much!

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Animalgirl567 In reply to BathroomStallStories [2012-07-26 03:14:55 +0000 UTC]

Np!

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Kitsukamichan [2012-07-26 02:52:56 +0000 UTC]

I thought it was very good. I'm no good of an writer, and I draw quite often. This pulled me out of my artist block. So thank you!

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BathroomStallStories In reply to Kitsukamichan [2012-07-26 02:54:50 +0000 UTC]

You are so welcome! Thank you so much for reading it and commenting! ^-^

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