Comments: 38
Edwardcrusher [2015-02-02 03:58:58 +0000 UTC]
Wow......you good at writing........wow.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
TheDus100 [2013-07-05 09:38:50 +0000 UTC]
T-T so lovely *-*
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
tansyuduri [2013-06-28 02:48:21 +0000 UTC]
Very good writing!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Tigrette-of-Fire [2013-01-05 07:03:03 +0000 UTC]
Aww, very sweet. Not to mention I LOVE the black and white with the hint of color. One of my favorite effects
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Frog-Girl25 [2013-01-01 11:06:51 +0000 UTC]
This is beautiful
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
grimmee [2012-12-30 20:08:46 +0000 UTC]
love it
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
landra15 [2012-12-30 05:58:51 +0000 UTC]
wow, such detail and love!!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
AJInu-Okami [2012-12-30 03:16:39 +0000 UTC]
Chika chika boing boing!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
EnvyFangurl07 [2012-12-30 01:20:39 +0000 UTC]
for some reason i think that they are both scared...then again im just weird like that
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
EnvyFangurl07 In reply to Bitter-Cherry [2012-12-30 17:03:09 +0000 UTC]
heck i dunno...like they feel like theyre veing watched....or maybe its that crucal "first time"
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Bitter-Cherry In reply to EnvyFangurl07 [2012-12-30 19:46:04 +0000 UTC]
Yeaaaaah no... that's why I asked everyone to please read the stuff in the description.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Alicia-Cloutier [2012-12-29 20:10:16 +0000 UTC]
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Really love PrisxEd <3
So cuuuuuuuuuute
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
EweLamb-Lover [2012-12-29 19:55:52 +0000 UTC]
this is amazing as..........as ANYTHING!!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
catlover236 [2012-12-29 19:37:44 +0000 UTC]
That was so amazing <333
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
MystiQueen [2012-12-29 13:18:32 +0000 UTC]
Just plain beautiful <33
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
alexis0599 [2012-12-29 11:40:37 +0000 UTC]
Amazing. Plain amazing!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
11chiyochan [2012-12-29 09:52:42 +0000 UTC]
WEEEEH THEY'RE SUCH BABIES <33
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Celia-Alva [2012-12-29 08:36:41 +0000 UTC]
Whoa....that was just....
...amazing!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
SomeRedDame [2012-12-29 08:27:53 +0000 UTC]
Eh... nnnot my style of writing, to be sure.
But the art is gorgeous. Love the softness and the fluid lines. Very nice!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
sanjumanj In reply to SomeRedDame [2012-12-29 21:14:53 +0000 UTC]
What exactly do you not like about the writing?
👍: 0 ⏩: 2
SomeRedDame In reply to sanjumanj [2012-12-30 22:37:26 +0000 UTC]
If Bitter is right and you just wanted feedback, then I suppose the thing that most stuck out to me is that the writing feels very.. sterile? Like it's somehow too detatched from the subject to be accurately describing such an intimate act. ( Not to be mean, but the only thing that comes to mind that I could liken it to is an autopsy report; distant, cold, clinical, and.. well... )
In some areas, it is genuinely unnecessarily detailed. Details that take time to read ( Opening his lips to the shape of a circle, He presses his mouth over the hollow of her throat ) and can come off as extremely awkward ( Why specify the shape his mouth opens into? The hollow? Hollow like wood? I thought the neck was soft... ) which can detract from the heat you're trying to build in the reader.
( These questions are not necessarily the first the reader would say aloud, rather they're background thoughts-- again, which deter greatly from what you're trying to accomplish, which is sensuality and warmth. )
Some of the best erotica that hits home is because you can sense an undercurrent of raw hunger, the heat that drives it. Whereas this piece lacks that particular kind of warmth because we're too distracted by a barrage of details. With so many, it's hard for the reader to differentiate which is necessary and which is not-- which is normally the author's job-- because otherwise it all eventually runs together and becomes "noise". There's a point where it IS quite nice, but too much feels like monotony.
Does that make sense?
I hope this helped a little. Clinical stuff aside, you have some beautifully creative phrases and a wonderful vocabulary.. it's just a matter of when more is less and less is more.
So please keep at it!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
sanjumanj In reply to SomeRedDame [2012-12-31 03:54:08 +0000 UTC]
This is a mule account, my main one's on bitter's page hmm you can try and guess which but yes, I'm trying very hard to improve as a writer. I don't have much experience --a pathetic amount actually. Something I regret. =_=
I kind of want to hire you as a beta now. or at least keep you as a friend. Please tell me if that's okay. I really like people who make me grow in my writing.
I get what you mean about the clinical quality. ;; OTL Totally. That's not how I want to keep my erotica at all.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
SomeRedDame In reply to sanjumanj [2012-12-29 23:02:19 +0000 UTC]
...I'd rather not do that.
Let's just focus on enjoying the artwork instead.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Bitter-Cherry In reply to SomeRedDame [2012-12-30 20:07:25 +0000 UTC]
She wrote the drabble, she probably just wants feedback.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Bitter-Cherry In reply to SomeRedDame [2012-12-31 00:54:30 +0000 UTC]
Yeaaah, I'm not much of a writer myself, not yet at least but hopefully I can learn some stuff.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
DukeAgent17 [2012-12-29 07:30:22 +0000 UTC]
o///////o This made me blush like crazy.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0