deadlights11 [2005-02-01 19:36:34 +0000 UTC]
Sorry, this comment is long LONG overdue... but it has been hectic with exams and writing thesis's etc. I'm jotting down points as I read along, just to make sure that I don't miss anything of significance.
First of all, I'm glad you liked my previous comment. I was afraid it might've been a little too harsh; but then receiving critique is an important part in the learning process. Just let me point out what I like, and don't like.
Introduction/Transition
I like how you introduced Annabelle's past by the means that you did. You brought the topic of her remembering the swings, then the idea came to us that she was thinking of home. That was well done, the transition smooth and pleasing.
Comma Placement
One of your main problems is comma placement. Why is that? Do you not know where to use commas? I'm going to post some examples, just so you can see what I'm talking about.
Ex."Shrill beeping and the scurrying of feet greeted her silent world and she had to blink for a moment as two large floodlights that where trained against the wall above her sent their cool pale blue light into her eyes."
Where do you expect me to breathe? If I were reading with aloud, I'd die from lack of oxygen. You need to revise, revise, revise! One copy is never enough. You should at least revise one piece five times. It is key: the most important element in story writing. Fixing your comma problem is simple: just read the line out loud, and place commas where breaks should come naturually.
See: Shrill beeping and the scurrying of feet greeted her silent world, and she had to blink for a moment as two large floodlights, that were trained against the wall above her, sent cool pale blue light into her eyes."
Doesn't that sound more natural now?
I'm not going to point out every mistake, but I took note of other places where commas should be considered: Paragraph 5, Line 5. Paragraph 6, Line 1. Paragraph 6, Line 2. There are more though, keep looking!
Sentence Length
Another thing you really should take into consideration is your sentence length. The length of a sentence determines the pace of the story. Usually short sentences are used for fast, violent movements, whereas long, elegant sentences are used for description and slower paced stories. From what I get... The beginning is more slow paced than the middle/climaxing paragraphs. Is this your intention? I think you should revise some of the shorter sentences throughout the second paragraph: Annabelle looked down at the old fountain below her. The face of a young woman stared back at her. Combine these sentences to make something beautiful! Don't be afraid.
Repetition
Another point is the repetition of her name. It is okay to use the name countless times throughout the story -- what kind of writer would you be if you didn't mention her name more than five times -- but try to shy away from using it repeatedly in one paragraph. Especially if the sentences are after the other.
Semi-Colon
I know this point is not taught well enough in school, but it should be. You need to use semi-colons. They're a wonderful tool, and hardly get enough attention. I noticed, however, that you did use some near the end. Bravo! Good job, you need to keep that up. But there are other places in the story, where commas should be replaced with semi-colons.
Ex. "Long white hair, emerald eyes and a tired face swam in the grey water, but her feminine feature stood out despite her worn jeans, the ripped trench coat, the dirty black t-shirt and the rugged heavy military boots."
This sentence holds wonderful [!] description, but the commas need to be replaced. You've already used it near the beginning of the sentence to indicate a pause. You cannot use to it list items. That is where the semi-colon comes in.
A revised edition of the setence would read: Long white hair, emerald eyes, and a tired face swam in the grey water, but her feminine feature stood out despite her worn jeans; the ripped trench coat; the dirty black t-shirt; and the rugged heavy military boots.
Another spot to revise the use of semi-colons vs the use of commas is Paragraph 5, Lines 2-3.
Using Numbers
On a more minor note, I just wish to point out to you that you should never use numbers in your writing, unless you are relaying an address or time. Even then... it still looks sloppy. Write the number out. Laziness shows, and old habits die hard!
Sentence Fragments
You have sentence fragments too. Here: She was hunter now. Not a scholar. Make that one sentence. You'll never regret it!
Description!
I also noted that you had wonderfully fabulous description, which I'm glad you took to heart, in paragraph 3 line 6. Beautiful!
Awkward Wording
There is a little bit of awkward wording in paragraph 4, lines 4-5.
Thus: "Her echo followed her almost like the mansion itself was judging her with its entire might. Another oak door rose up in front of her and again she pushed the open large oak doors."
The first sentence has wonderful imagery, but you could word it better. If this were my piece, I would revise it to the following: "Her echo followed her, almost as if the mansion was judging her with its entire might." And the second sentence? You've repeated "oak door" twice, makes the sentence feel sloppy. "Another large oak door rose up in front of her, and again she pushed her way through." Doesn't it sound more clean? More cut and crisp?
There's one run on sentence: Paragraph 4, Lines 2-3-4. You should consider fixing that
Stated above are the most common errors in writing, and you should feel no shame. No one is perfect, and these are only helpful suggestions to try to make you the best writer you can possibly be! I hope I've been of some use, and I'm glad to see you've taken my previous advice and run with it. This edited version is much better than the last. Still, no one gets it done in the first few tries. My writers craft teacher... her motto was Revise, revise, revise! I stated it earlier in my post, and now i do again: Remember it! Words of wisdom!
You're doing beautifully. I apologize again for how late this post was. Keeping smiling, and definitely keep writing ^.^
~deadlights11
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deadlights11 In reply to BlackMage145 [2005-02-01 20:39:10 +0000 UTC]
There are many ways to use a semi colon ^.^
i) a complete thought ; transitional thought , complete thought
ex. We were on our way to Lake Ontario; but suddenly, we were lost.
ii) complete thought ; complete thought
ex. Everyone thinks getting straight A's is easy; they have no idea how hard it actually is.
*Note: semicolon can replace transition words such as And, But, Or, etc.
iii) thought, more information; thought, more information; and thought , more information
ex. The storm was bad, loud cackling thunder; the wind was cold, a loud howling ensued; lonely and lost, so I cried.
Another thing to remember is not to over use a semicolon, just because then it would be pointless. Commas are still good, and you should continue using them until you understand how to properly insert semicolons into your writing ^.^
Semicolons are used to i) connect ideas that are closely related, ii) to avoid confusion between list items and other writings, and iii) link lengthy clauses. You might be asking what a clause is.. so here's an example (not my own):
Some people write with a word processor, typewriter, or a computer; but others, for different reasons, choose to write with a pen or pencil.
~deadlights11
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