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BlackMage145 — Beteewn worlds_edit
Published: 2005-01-14 07:05:39 +0000 UTC; Views: 157; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 10
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Description Between worlds

Annabelle ran her finger over the old stone railings, tracing the lines of time against her fingers. Patches of moss felt like small islands of chaos the vastness of time. Annabelle climbed and stood up, balancing on the railing. A wave of red and yellow streaked past her, as the autumn winds played with the seasonal leaves. As she stretched out her arms she felt the pulse of life around her. This place was ancient and magical. It was like the stones, the leaves and the wind sang to her as autumn sneaked closer. She felt like she could fly and almost leaped off the railing in her bliss. Annabelle sighed and smiled to herself. She sat down on the balcony railing and swayed her legs back and forth like a young girl when she played on her swing. When had she last been home? A year? Two?

Annabelle looked down at the old fountain below her. The face of a young woman stared back at her. Long white hair, emerald eyes and a tired face swam in the grey water, but her feminine feature stood out despite her worn jeans, the ripped trench coat, the dirty black t-shirt and the rugged heavy military boots. She remembered when her big brother had called her a tomboy and almost dislocated his shoulder by twisting his arm. Well the Tai Chi course had to be good for something and twisting ones brother’s arm when he didn’t behave was a good thing.  

2 years ago she had been at her last year in high school and preparing for college, history major of course, and now, now she was in Scotland pursuing the latest lead. Not that she disliked her work, it was just a feeling she had. Like she had taken a step into a world that always seemed to change, keeping her from adapting. Still she liked what she did. The travels where a perk, she got insider access and she never lacked excitement. She was hunter now. Not a scholar.

She glided down the balcony and stared at the sliver of the moon that hovered above the ancient mansion. A group of dark clouds glided across the sky and covered her world with dark. She turned on her heel and forcefully pushed the giant oak doors open. She felt a rush of old air against her face as she entered a large hall. A large oak table dominated the centre of the room and like the mansion it palpably radiated with the wisdom of ages long forgotten. Annabelle ran her fingers against the old surface of the table as she paced through the hall. Her echo followed her almost like the mansion itself was judging her with its entire might. Another oak door rose up in front of her and again she pushed the open large oak doors.

Shrill beeping and the scurrying of feet greeted her silent world and she had to blink for a moment as two large floodlights that where trained against the wall above her sent their cool pale blue light into her eyes. Immediately a pair of sunglasses appeared in her hand and she continued her walk across the room behind blue shades. The buzz of activity was all around her as archaeologists and technicians where studying engravings the walls, assistants making various phone calls and constantly updating a flat screen mounted over the fireplace and few a members of her team where packing equipment into a small container.

The flat screen displayed the most recent photos taken by the onsite archaeologists and technicians showing large sigils and the occult engraving on the walls, the reason of their visit to the manor. To this point no valuable information had been found Annabelle had received orders to: “pack up and return to base in three days” as her supervisor had put it. She felt sad as she had announced the order to on-site personnel the next day. This place was a marker, Annabelle was certain of it. It had stood vacant for at least a-100-years and bore no signs of decay from disrepair. She studied the layout of the floors, both those above ground and belowground. Three storeys and 2 subterranean so far suggested that the this old house harboured some ancient secrets but levels below where nothing more than passages carved from grey rock with no interest at all.  

The three days had passed and slowly equipment was being shuttled away in trucks, as where personnel and by now only a fragment of the remaining staff was still exploring the mansion. Annabelle had however secured that the mansion was to be placed under the care of a warden so that it remained in repair should she ever feel the need to return to these ancient stones. Annabelle stiffened a bit as she remembered she had more important things to take care of. She was taken back to the real world by the shrill ring of her cell phone. She flicked it open and answered the call.

“This is Annabelle. Yes, we will be moving out at noon tomorrow. I have seen to it that this location will be watched over by a local. No I told the truth, that we where here for historical reasons. Yes; I believe he will be content with that explanation. Very good; I estimate I will be back in New York tomorrow at 8 pm.”
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Comments: 8

deadlights11 [2005-02-01 19:36:34 +0000 UTC]

Sorry, this comment is long LONG overdue... but it has been hectic with exams and writing thesis's etc. I'm jotting down points as I read along, just to make sure that I don't miss anything of significance.

First of all, I'm glad you liked my previous comment. I was afraid it might've been a little too harsh; but then receiving critique is an important part in the learning process. Just let me point out what I like, and don't like.

Introduction/Transition
I like how you introduced Annabelle's past by the means that you did. You brought the topic of her remembering the swings, then the idea came to us that she was thinking of home. That was well done, the transition smooth and pleasing.

Comma Placement
One of your main problems is comma placement. Why is that? Do you not know where to use commas? I'm going to post some examples, just so you can see what I'm talking about.

Ex."Shrill beeping and the scurrying of feet greeted her silent world and she had to blink for a moment as two large floodlights that where trained against the wall above her sent their cool pale blue light into her eyes."

Where do you expect me to breathe? If I were reading with aloud, I'd die from lack of oxygen. You need to revise, revise, revise! One copy is never enough. You should at least revise one piece five times. It is key: the most important element in story writing. Fixing your comma problem is simple: just read the line out loud, and place commas where breaks should come naturually.

See: Shrill beeping and the scurrying of feet greeted her silent world, and she had to blink for a moment as two large floodlights, that were trained against the wall above her, sent cool pale blue light into her eyes."

Doesn't that sound more natural now?

I'm not going to point out every mistake, but I took note of other places where commas should be considered: Paragraph 5, Line 5. Paragraph 6, Line 1. Paragraph 6, Line 2. There are more though, keep looking!

Sentence Length
Another thing you really should take into consideration is your sentence length. The length of a sentence determines the pace of the story. Usually short sentences are used for fast, violent movements, whereas long, elegant sentences are used for description and slower paced stories. From what I get... The beginning is more slow paced than the middle/climaxing paragraphs. Is this your intention? I think you should revise some of the shorter sentences throughout the second paragraph: Annabelle looked down at the old fountain below her. The face of a young woman stared back at her. Combine these sentences to make something beautiful! Don't be afraid.

Repetition
Another point is the repetition of her name. It is okay to use the name countless times throughout the story -- what kind of writer would you be if you didn't mention her name more than five times -- but try to shy away from using it repeatedly in one paragraph. Especially if the sentences are after the other.

Semi-Colon
I know this point is not taught well enough in school, but it should be. You need to use semi-colons. They're a wonderful tool, and hardly get enough attention. I noticed, however, that you did use some near the end. Bravo! Good job, you need to keep that up. But there are other places in the story, where commas should be replaced with semi-colons.

Ex. "Long white hair, emerald eyes and a tired face swam in the grey water, but her feminine feature stood out despite her worn jeans, the ripped trench coat, the dirty black t-shirt and the rugged heavy military boots."

This sentence holds wonderful [!] description, but the commas need to be replaced. You've already used it near the beginning of the sentence to indicate a pause. You cannot use to it list items. That is where the semi-colon comes in.

A revised edition of the setence would read: Long white hair, emerald eyes, and a tired face swam in the grey water, but her feminine feature stood out despite her worn jeans; the ripped trench coat; the dirty black t-shirt; and the rugged heavy military boots.



Another spot to revise the use of semi-colons vs the use of commas is Paragraph 5, Lines 2-3.

Using Numbers
On a more minor note, I just wish to point out to you that you should never use numbers in your writing, unless you are relaying an address or time. Even then... it still looks sloppy. Write the number out. Laziness shows, and old habits die hard!

Sentence Fragments
You have sentence fragments too. Here: She was hunter now. Not a scholar. Make that one sentence. You'll never regret it!

Description!
I also noted that you had wonderfully fabulous description, which I'm glad you took to heart, in paragraph 3 line 6. Beautiful!

Awkward Wording
There is a little bit of awkward wording in paragraph 4, lines 4-5.

Thus: "Her echo followed her almost like the mansion itself was judging her with its entire might. Another oak door rose up in front of her and again she pushed the open large oak doors."

The first sentence has wonderful imagery, but you could word it better. If this were my piece, I would revise it to the following: "Her echo followed her, almost as if the mansion was judging her with its entire might." And the second sentence? You've repeated "oak door" twice, makes the sentence feel sloppy. "Another large oak door rose up in front of her, and again she pushed her way through." Doesn't it sound more clean? More cut and crisp?

There's one run on sentence: Paragraph 4, Lines 2-3-4. You should consider fixing that

Stated above are the most common errors in writing, and you should feel no shame. No one is perfect, and these are only helpful suggestions to try to make you the best writer you can possibly be! I hope I've been of some use, and I'm glad to see you've taken my previous advice and run with it. This edited version is much better than the last. Still, no one gets it done in the first few tries. My writers craft teacher... her motto was Revise, revise, revise! I stated it earlier in my post, and now i do again: Remember it! Words of wisdom!

You're doing beautifully. I apologize again for how late this post was. Keeping smiling, and definitely keep writing ^.^

~deadlights11

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BlackMage145 In reply to deadlights11 [2005-02-01 20:06:49 +0000 UTC]

...well i wont go into detail who much i love you for you advice, comments and the like....it would take up too much space....thank you...

Can you please tell me how to use the semicolon correctly? I really have no idea how to use it correctly...

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deadlights11 In reply to BlackMage145 [2005-02-01 20:39:10 +0000 UTC]

There are many ways to use a semi colon ^.^

i) a complete thought ; transitional thought , complete thought
ex. We were on our way to Lake Ontario; but suddenly, we were lost.

ii) complete thought ; complete thought
ex. Everyone thinks getting straight A's is easy; they have no idea how hard it actually is.
*Note: semicolon can replace transition words such as And, But, Or, etc.

iii) thought, more information; thought, more information; and thought , more information
ex. The storm was bad, loud cackling thunder; the wind was cold, a loud howling ensued; lonely and lost, so I cried.

Another thing to remember is not to over use a semicolon, just because then it would be pointless. Commas are still good, and you should continue using them until you understand how to properly insert semicolons into your writing ^.^

Semicolons are used to i) connect ideas that are closely related, ii) to avoid confusion between list items and other writings, and iii) link lengthy clauses. You might be asking what a clause is.. so here's an example (not my own):

Some people write with a word processor, typewriter, or a computer; but others, for different reasons, choose to write with a pen or pencil.

~deadlights11

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Kim-Ai1 [2005-01-14 07:20:57 +0000 UTC]

this is actually really good so far. I'm amazed with the details you put in! @_@ I like the way she dresses... I can imagine it in my head, and sounds so cool! XD Er.... You spelled "stories" as "storeys" Um.... That's about it... XD This is really good so far!

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BlackMage145 In reply to Kim-Ai1 [2005-01-14 07:22:56 +0000 UTC]

I thought the describtion of Annabelle was a bit pale

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Kim-Ai1 In reply to BlackMage145 [2005-01-14 07:23:48 +0000 UTC]

hmm.... I thought it was pretty detailed personally.... But... I'm not much of a story writer, so....

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BlackMage145 In reply to Kim-Ai1 [2005-01-14 07:26:18 +0000 UTC]

you draw extremely well though

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Kim-Ai1 In reply to BlackMage145 [2005-01-14 07:27:02 +0000 UTC]

lol *blush* Thank you! I still have a looooong way to go with my art skills tho.... >.< I'm only 14, so I still have A LOT of practice to do! @_@

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