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BornAnimeFreak — Looking Back
Published: 2010-11-24 02:13:24 +0000 UTC; Views: 5660; Favourites: 53; Downloads: 33
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For my dad to whom I missRelated content
Comments: 33
I love it when people put poetry on a cool back round. The combination of the two mediums of art make it stand out just that much more. I love it!
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Hey, thanks for submitting this for critique with !
The first thing I must say before getting into this critique is that this is a very personal piece about a very sensitive time in your life. In my experience, people often do not like to hear critique and personal pieces, or they think they like to but once they get it they find they can't handle it. I hope neither is the case for you.
But you submitted it, so I must critique it. Here we go!
This poem is full of cliches and the rhyme scheme does not help this matter much. "I find myself wishing you were here to stay" for example is a very tired cliche and is said in such a way as the allow for the rhyme. Realistically, without a rhyme scheme, if you were simply saying what you wanted to say without and guidelines telling you you have to rhyme, you'd probably just say "I wish you were here." That, while still cliche, at least sounds more genuine and to the point. But because you are attempting to follow a meter and you are sticking with a particular rhyme scheme, you say something else that is not as strong or direct.
The meter as well needs work. I don't know if you were trying to stick to a meter or not, but there is certainly no consistency here. I find it best to either commit fully to rhyme and meter or abandon both entirely. Poetry can still be metered and it can still rhyme, but structure becomes hugely important.
There are a lot of ways to say things, a lot of fresh and out-of-the-box ways to word something that has been said a million times before. The best way to accomplish this if you are are an inexperienced writer is with poetic devices like metaphors, themes, and sound devices like alliteration, assonance, etc. If you are a more experienced writer and these devices are getting cliche for you as well, there are much complex literary devices to try as well.
I'm not sure if you are an experienced writer and this poem is written this way because of it's personal nature, or if you are actually an inexperienced writer, but I hope that you can separate yourself from the sensitivity of the piece to see the help I am trying to provide. If you don't want to change anything about this piece, perhaps practice my suggestions on something else that might be similar, or on a new piece all together!
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This poem reminds of the loss of my own father, though we have different lives, the feelings when your father dies is the same.
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What a beautiful poem! Very emotional and real!
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I will be critiquing this on behalf of:
To start, I would like to say that this is beautifully written. You bring across the sadness of losing someone in a way that can be applied to anyone who has lost a loved one. Also, the background on which you placed this poem is very fitting, and the font is easily readable.
Now for the crit:
ST1:
Rhyme Scheme: aabb
Meter: 8, 9, 11, 9
- Apart from L3, which is a bit long, you are generally consistent with your meter. Your rhyming in this stanza isn't forced and it flows well.
- Perhaps consider adding words to the other lines ('to when' [L1] 'that there's' [L2]) to make them longer so that they fit with L3.
- Your punctuation is good here too.
ST2:
Rhyme Scheme: ccddee
Meter: 9, 7, 8, 11, 10, 8
- Again, apart from L4, which is longer, your meter is generally consistent.
- Your punctuation is good and your rhyme isn't forced.
ST3:
Rhyme Scheme: aaff
Meter: 8, 9, 8, 10
- The meter is much more consistent in this stanza, nicely done.
- There is a minor issue with the rhyme for L4, 'scorn' should grammatically be 'scorned'. This is an example of slightly forced rhyme, which shouldn't be in a rhyming piece.
- Again, good punctuation.
ST4:
Rhyme Scheme: gghhii
Meter: 8, 7, 9, 7, 11, 10
- Your meter starts out alright, and then gets very wonky towards the end. The same with your rhyme. Some of the rhyme in here is forced. ('Now empty, my life feels without you' vs 'My life now feels empty without you')
- Some of the rhyme isn't forced, but the grammar is off ('you and I' vs 'you and me') ('...you love me too...'[tense issue - present tense but the person is gone]) ('...but to cry')
- Once again, good punctuation.
General Comments:
- You chose a very appropriate and subtle background for a very emotional poem.
- You presented the emotions well and in a way that everyone who has lost someone can relate to.
- Your rhyme is generally very good, but there is the occasional forced rhyme (where you alter the sentence structure to force the words to rhyme).
- Your meter is generally very good, but there are a few cases where you need to shorted certain lines or try lengthen the rest just to make it consistent so that it doesn't hamper the flow.
- You have a good grasp of punctuation and grammar, with a few minor exceptions on the grammar side.
- I admire your courage at writing on what must have been a very emotional topic, and then still submitting the piece for a critique.
Overall:
Jo
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this is really good, made me tear up a little. it stirs up a lot of emotions :')
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aww... this is just like how I feel with my cousin...
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a recreation of one of your poems the one that made a scar on your life (btw just trying to be poetic myself and not trying to remember your loss or mocking you)
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This is very beautiful and sad. Not to mention, it seems very personal to me, as I lost my grandmother recently. I love this poem, as it shows how I feel, looking back at when she was here. I'm sorry to hear about your Dad.
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Just recently lost my dad to cancer December 9th of last year
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oh no im' so sorry let him r.i.p. god bless his heart and you'rs too i hope u feel better one day kinowing he is being toking care of now if that wut u belive in heaven?
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this poem was so beautifully sad
you did a brilliant job on everything
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Very heartfelt and thoughtful, I really enjoyed the emotion in it.
The layout is really really nice too (:
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Wow. Beutyfully written. Very touching. Be safe this holiday season.
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May he Rest in Peace.
It's....no words can describe how wonderful the poem it.
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Breath taking, beauty. Such emotion and love for this one special person, may he live on in the hearts he has touched.
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Excellent work! I really love this. My respects for your father.
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I'm sorry to hear about your Dad, this is a beautiful piece though, I know it would make him proud
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If you want, I can offer some heads-up tips on how this piece can sound better,
more well-rounded off, etcetera, and etcetera, with just a couple of punctuation
add-ins and very minor, minor fixes. Feel free to ask.
However, I just want to point out one of these errors that could make
the opening of the poem stand out a tad better:
"you're in heaven that I can see"
Do you see how this sounds a bit run-on? Consider:
"but you're in heaven, that I can see!" (omit and/or consider an exclamation
to make it stand out more, to show you meant what you wrote).
Secondly, and as small it may be, adding in the comma makes it read better.
Starting the line with the word but also makes the previous line just
before it not sound so much like an incomplete, broken off sentence.
As it is now, it sounds like a period needs to be in place.
Forgive my spur of criticism but, little things like this can improve a poem.
I hope what little help I offered, helps.
Other than that, I loved and enjoyed this piece. It offers
and presents a deep and meaningful message to your
now deceased Father, I assume, and sorry to hear that.
I can definitely relate in similar terms.
This has been accepted in the Group and to my Faves!
Siryan
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nice man this is truly a poem for someone you love and i could feel the emotion you feel for him
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you're very welcome
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I understand what moves your poetry...loss can be the catalyst to create... my Mom passed away a little over two years ago and I found myself writing all the time.....I am sorry for your loss; I know you probably don't feel it now, but time does eventually bring healing...
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Very heartfelt, I can feel the loss. I hope you will be able to rebound well from this sad occasion
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