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Chaldemone — Distortion
Published: 2009-06-23 21:39:23 +0000 UTC; Views: 857; Favourites: 7; Downloads: 10
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Description
the world’s blurringsounds distort, blend.
am I dreaming?
lights are moving;
time seems to bend
the world’s blurring
colors smearing
but don't pretend.
am I dreaming
the cracks flowing
join and don’t end
the world’s blurring
white noise screaming
without an end,
am I dreaming?
outlines dancing
flux, seem to mend
the world’s blurring.
am I dreaming?
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Comments: 38
The imagery is as distorted as the diction in this work; I thought I saw a downtown street at night through the eyes of a drunk. Maybe the world is a dream.
The refrains in this poem makes me think again and again of how "real" everything is, and how we can't really answer that question in a definite sense.
The stanzas deviate from the form of a normal villanelle. The resulting changes to the flow of the work allows the refrains from becoming repetitive. A suggestion for your later works in the same vein would be adding a "twist" that makes the reader read the refrain with an altered meaning.
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Thank you for the detailed critique. :] Haven't read my own work in a really long while. I'm glad you like(d) it.
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It was all right. Have you written anything new recently?
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The most recent thing I've written on my own was written sometime around late November/December, so no. I haven't posted half of what I've written after 2008, though, and that's easily twenty poems.
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Should make interesting reading. What are they about?
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Mostly relationships. Between the narrator and the reader, the narrator and society, etc.
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Angry, sad, happy, or a combination of the above?
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Depends on the poem.
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What was your dominant emotion?
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Sorrow, of course.
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Hmm. I don't know about mine. It really depends on what I was writing about.
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I tend to be a whiny bitch in my poems. Stories, not so much, but definitely in my poems. They're reflections of who I am and my life so far, which, well, you know vaguely what I've been through.
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You don't go easy on yourself, do you?
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Haha. That's relative.
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Well, that can't be helped.
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Hmmm . . . this is cool. I like the imagery in it. Pretty neat. I agree that the line "not to defend" seems kind of out of place. I don't know anything about villanelles, though, so I can't offer any advice or critique. 
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It's okay. I know enough about how to play with villanelles for you to just critique any line/word. And I just changed a few things.
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I am commenting! And I got mentioned! Today is a unique day.
Before we begin, let me say that lack of capitilization and punctuation has always bothered me, but that is purely a matter of choice and should have no bearing on this piece. I'm just saying that it makes it harder for me, personally, to get into.
I agree with you about the "not to defend" bit. It seems somewhat... like it's supposed to have a function, but it never clicked.
I didn't see a climax in this piece. Perhaps that's what the "defend" thing should have been: a central point around which the poem can be interpreted. I think if you can repair that, it will help the whole poem a lot. Sadly, I have no tips for how to about doing that.
I have two possible theories about this one: either some sort of depression, where you can't tell reality from imagination (experience with that one XD); or a crazy drug trip, which would actually be quite interesting. But either of these could easily be wrong, considering the fact that I'm drawing from my own perspective.
That's about all I've got. It wasn't really a "critique" as much as a commentary, but I figured I had to say something, since you mentioned me and all.
END
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Haha, it is indeed a strange day, and I agree with you about the capitalization and punctuation. It was totally experimental (an experiment I don't intend on revising and repeating), and I was surprised that anyone in my class liked this poem at all.
If I ever remember what that "not to defend" bit means, I'll let you know, haha.
I wasn't sure this piece needed a climax. It's more or less meant to be a simple abstract painting of some sort.
Wait, you've done drugs (that weren't prescribed)? 
I don't really want to "correct" you, but maybe this'll change your opinion on this piece (probably for the worse--if that's possible): the inspiration for this piece was actually the worsening of my eyesight. My eyes were so tired when I wrote this that even with my glasses, everything blurred and I couldn't focus. And, well, I wrote this in a hallway full of students talking about who-knows-what and the noise blended almost as well as the walls, haha.
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Personally (again, this is me), I think everything should, and does have a climax, even if the climax is simply implied. Everything that exists has a climax at some point in time.
Wow, I'm getting all profound here. Let's go ahead and stop that.
I did pot once. It bored me. I drank once (legally), and got sick. So, I'm not a big druggie. I was talking about the depression.
And there's nothing to correct. You said in your artist thing that you wanted theories, so I threw one out there. And it didn't change my opinion. Just my view. I actually find it more interesting this way, so there.
I've never tried writing while stuff is actually happening. I don't know if I even could.
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No, personally is someone else living inside your head. What do you mean "this is me"? As for climaxes, if you insist, I'm going to say that the climax is the screaming in this poem. I don't know how to explain why, but it carries quite a bit of weight for me.
And profundity is quite all right by me. :] Go ahead and continue.
Haha, you got sick drinking? Must've been some pretty bad alcohol. 
You threw two out there, two very interesting theories, one of which I've heard before.
Well, I didn't write it all then, at least I don't think so. I began it then, though. Probably wrote a good four lines (not including refrains) before I had to head to class, where I wrote the rest of it. And I'm sure you could write things as they happen. You just have to write faster and save revising for later (if you don't already).
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"this is me" is actually quite redundant in that sentence XD so just ignore it.
I'm not denying that there is a climax; but if it is screaming, as you said, that never really happened for me. I never heard it. Hmm. But I wouldn't worry too much about it. It's just a little suggestion.
I got sick drinking because I wasn't drunk and wanted to be drunk for the first time, so I drank too fast as I wasn't feeling it yet. I outpaced myself. Weird thing was, it wasn't really that fun. I don't think I'll do it again.
I'm terrible at writing fast and not revising myself. That's why I have to do the white font thing every once in a while to get myself going and just thinking.
Lastly, profundity is hard to jump in and out of. Perhaps I shall restart someday, and that time I will develop my point comepletely.
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Okay then.
And that's fine. I tend to read things differently than I write them, which is very different from how most people do such things. I don't worry about it because to a large extent, I've stopped caring. It's just interesting--the differences.
Hahaha. How did the alcohol taste anyway? And was it beer? I assume so, because it's rather silly to binge on wine, unless it's really cheap wine. I just don't understand how a blurred sort of feeling can be worth drinking all that... 
It's called writing with your eyes closed, or when your eyesight is so bad that you can't see what you're writing anyway.
It is? You seemed to have jumped out of it quickly enough.
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It was blueberry vodka and mountain dew, which actually wound up being quite tasty. Kinda like a different cherry mountain dew; the same sort of experience. That's part of why it was so easy to drink too much. It took about 8 shots in 45 minutes to get me sick. I think I could have handled it if I had stretched it out more.
And I suppose I meant it's easy to jump out of, hard to jump into. Not so much hard to jump out of. Though that can also be true, if you've got a good conversation going at 2 in the morning with a good friend like I did the other night (that was the night I threw up, but after the incident).
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Really? Blueberry vodka?
Heh. I haven't had a conversation like that in a good long while. Was that incident recent?
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If you're gonna drink alcohol, drink a flavored vodka mixed with something. Either that, or a rum-and-coke with more coke than rum. That way you still get the sensation of drinking, but the taste isn't there so much.
Yeah, a few weeks ago. It was nice. We talked about all sorts of stuff like "God" and whatnot (that's the only one I can really remember right now XD, though I'm sure we talked about more). It's sad, though. I haven't talked to him in weeks, and it doesn't seem he's all that interested in getting together. Perhaps he's just busy, but I don't know. Still doesn't seem quite right.
I don't have many friends anymore >.< They've all disappeared in various directions.
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Haha, I don't plan on drinking alcohol ever again in my life. No amount of fruitiness can cover up the taste for me.
Does he live far away from you? Maybe you're right and he's just busy, but I don't know. I haven't made much of an effort (if any) to reunite with my friends before flying far away without plans of returning, haha. Assuming you haven't, you should call him sometime. ^^
I'm starting to doubt that I ever had friends to begin with. The few people who actually seem to care for my life, aside from my professor (how lame is that, seriously?) are people I've never met (okay, maybe the second part is a bit--a lot--more lame).
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Fruitiness can cover up anything! WHEE! And what's "again"?
He lives about 20 minutes away by car. I just feel like he could at least say "hello" at some point. There's a girl, too; I'm the one who always calls her, so last time I said she should call me. She never has. Been a couple weeks at least. Meh.
It's nice that your professor cares. I have my parents, of course, but it's my grandma that I find the most comforting in stressful situations.
Online people can be pretty awesome. This particular site seems to have a good culture going on. That's artists, though; they tend to be friendly and affectionate people.
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My parents have tried to force me to drink alcohol on several occasions, and on the first few, I acquiesced only to realize that the flavour is absolutely disgustingly vile, even the really good fruity wine. That's my opinion anyway, haha.
Haha, I think the last time someone outside my family called me without missing one of my calls was... last December? December fourth or something like that, haha. Seems so long ago, now that I think about it. XD
Aww. It's good that your grandmother's still alive and part of your family.
And, yes, they can be incredibly awesome. Even more so when you meet them in real life. :3
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I don't actually know very many people online anymore. I used to. And I never met the ones I knew anyhow.
Yep, my g-ma is 82. To be honest, I don't know how much longer she has. She's incredibly strong, but you can't stop time. She'll fight to the bitter end. I kinda think she'll die in her sleep, ya know? No senility, no falling or something. Just kinda peaceful.
Your parents forced you to drink?
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Ah, well I guess now there's me. Don't know about meeting, but perhaps someday we'll run into each other on the street; one of us would be driving and passing through the town where the other lived; the denizen would notice the car and assume a stranger drove it; and the person driving would take care to give right of way to the pedestrian; and nothing much would happen.
I hope that's the case for her. And I wish the same for my professor, though after another good two decades or so. ...god, I can't imagine not having my professor around. The world wouldn't be the same.
And yes, my parents forced me to drink. Well, not really forced, just asked me five to twenty times while pushing a glass of some unnamed alcoholic beverage to my face. It wasn't pleasant. And I presume you didn't mean for that "not" to be before "raising me" (or there at all).
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I've never lost someone close to me. I'm not sure what it will be like.
There was not supposed to a not; you are correct.
Haha, I could totally see that situation happening. I was gonna write a story about a love story between people that see each other in that situation every day. Never got around to it, though. Couldn't get it to start.
Better to not drink than drink too much, I suppose.
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You haven't yet lost someone close to you? Well, you'll see in time, unfortunately. I hope you live to do so anyway... don't want you dying in my lifetime. You can be sure that it will hurt, though.
It might already have happened. I passed through Seattle about a year ago, among other cities. Twice.
And yes, it is far better not to drink than to drink too much, at least when we're talking about alcohol.. though the upper limit is rather high for water. xD
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I live a bit north of Seattle, in a little tiny suburban area that few people have even heard of. Doubt you've been there. And I never really go to Seattle, so the chances are slim. But, ya never know.
Some people do drink themselves to death with water, apparently. Not sure how you'd pull that off, but that's a pretty sucky way to die.
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Well, we passed through Seattle to get to Canada, so, go figure. Flatlands, a very few number of people, and cows in about every third pasture or whatever.
Apparently, and miraculously. And I imagine it would be a rather horrid way to leave this world.
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