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cherrypikkins — 'Sun and Moon' - [Eren x Shifter!Reader] - Part 4
#reader_insert #eren_jaeger #cherrypikkins #eren_x_reader #shingekinokyojin #attack_on_titan #shingeki_no_kyojin
Published: 2014-12-18 11:13:58 +0000 UTC; Views: 17336; Favourites: 166; Downloads: 0
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---Sun and Moon: Part 4---On the night of the graduation ceremony, spirits were bright, and cups bearing drinks clashed together over the feasting tables. Accolades were exchanged all around, particularly to those who had ranked in the Top Ten. Mikasa, who stood at the top of the class, accepted congratulations in stride. Marco was as humble and gracious as ever, but it was hard to miss just how pleased he was at being one step closer to achieve his dream. Christa, on the other hand, appeared to be more perplexed than overjoyed. The discreet looks she gave Ymir seemed to hint that she had been expecting a somewhat different outcome.
Your accomplices, Reiner, Bertholdt, and Annie also received their fair share of attention for achieving top marks in the 104th, right after Mikasa Ackerman. Not that it was a surprise to any, but you knew perfectly well that the three of them were no ordinary recruits. They had arrived far, far more prepared than anyone else here.
That being said, you stood nowhere near them in terms of rank, nor did you yearn to. Where the mission was concerned, there was an advantage in standing out as little as possible, and you weren't delusional enough to believe that you could match any of your accomplices in strength or skill.
…Which, quite frankly, was something you could live with. You were determined to be alone for the entirety of the feast, and the difference in rank between you and Annie was yet another excuse for you to distance yourself from your three accomplices. …And from the rest of the Top Ten, for that matter. It wasn't as though you ever belonged in that group in the first place… so why pretend?
That said, it was a little hard to ignore them, when a certain few were a little more boisterous in their celebration.
"YEAAAAAAAAAAH!" hollered Connie, who was practically dancing on his feet with pride. "Now that's what I'm talkin' about! Military Police Brigade, HERE I COME!"
"Three full square meals a day, all paid for!" cheered Sasha, raising her tankard to the air, and spilling a bit on Connie in the process. "We'll never go hungry again!"
While the two of them grinned from ear to ear, Jean glowered irritably from his table. One would have thought that graduating at 6th place would put him in a sunnier mood, but he was as foul-tempered as ever.
"Damn that Jaeger…" he growled, bristling with envy as he clenched his drink. "How the hell did he get the one-up on me?"
Located not far off, you said nothing, but kept your thoughts to yourself as Jean angrily gulped his drink down. The answer was obvious - Jean was no match for Eren Jaeger in attitude and diligence.
Not that any of it will matter, come tomorrow morning… you thought sullenly, staring at the surface of your drink without touching it. Because by the end of the day, everyone will be dead.
Ever since Annie had passed you that secret note, detailing tomorrow's grand plan, these were the thoughts that plagued you from the light of dawn 'til the dead of night. You felt sick. Your stomach churned. Your skin ran hot, cold, dry and clammy at the memory of Zhiganshina. … The knowledge that Trost would be next to share its fate. …And that you would be a herald to doomsday.
Your head swam with the unbearable noise of the banquet - of cheer and laughter that you would never be a part of. Hit by nausea, you crumpled up against the table with your head in your arms. No one noticed. They were too busy congratulating themselves, ignorant of tomorrow.
I can't do this. …I really can't do this…
Your thoughts were interrupted by a sudden outburst, coming from the other side of the banquet hall.
"You can't defeat them! There's just no way!"
Startled, everyone turned their heads. You kept your forehead to the table.
That voice was Thomas Wagner's. From the looks of it, that remark was directed towards none other than Eren Jaeger. Bitter thoughts ran through your head. No doubt the boy was still under the delusion that Humanity had a fighting chance against the Titans. And Wagner was trying to get him to see reason.
"Don't you get it?" he argued. "After we lost Wall Maria, tens of thousands of us were wiped out! It's only a matter of time until they finish us off. …There's no way we can win against them! Humanity is finished…!"
On his face was the very picture of despair. The Cadets fell into a fearful silence, a cloud of dread hanging over their heads. They too were convinced of Humanity's inevitable annihilation.
But Eren's response told a different story.
"…And? What of it? Are you just going to lie down, roll over, and accept defeat?" he demanded, fists clenched with resolve. "Are we just going to ignore everything we've learned about them for the past five years? Their strengths? Their weaknesses?! What about the people who've already DIED to give us this knowledge?!"
His voice sent a stir through the crowd of frightened Cadets. Somehow, you felt a current of energy flowing in your veins. It was enough to make you lift your head from the table.
"It's true that we've fighting a losing battle," he continued, not faltering in the least. "But think of the tactical advances we've made in such a short amount of time! After all the sacrifices we've made just come this far, who's going to continue the fight if we throw our swords down and give up?! What'll we do then? Just sit quietly and let the Titans devour us? To hell with that!"
His green eyes were bright and intense, like a flame. Even after five years of agony and despair, they burned stronger than ever.
"I swore…" he hissed, teeth clenched. "…I swore that I would escape the confines of these Walls and annihilate every last Titan standing! That's my goal. And I don't believe for an instant that Humanity is done for just yet! Just you all wait and see!"
The sheer ferociousness in his words left the entire room stunned. Some wore looks of faint admiration and amazement. Others stared at him with incredulity and horror. No one said a word.
Off to the side, you could see Reiner and Bertholdt exchanging nervous looks. Annie appeared to pay no heed to the conversation, but you knew that she was hanging on to every word.
Meanwhile, as you sat in your corner, invisible to the world, you felt a sting in your heart as you looked at Eren. Half of it was the remainder of a long-lost affection. The rest of it was jaded disappointment.
All this time… he hasn't changed at all, you thought ruefully. …In the end, he's really going to join the Recon Corps. I just know it.
Eren stared at his audience, shifting from foot to foot. Though he tried to put on a front, you could tell that emotions were running high, overwhelming him. The moment you saw his eyes breaking into tears, he had already spun a heel and dashed out of the banquet hall. Mikasa and Armin were quick to follow.
The rest of the party stared after him for a while, wearing uncomfortable looks on their faces. It took some time before the hall was filled with conversation once more.
But you remained tight-lipped, scowling at your drink, wanting nothing more than to hurl it at someone. Eren himself, preferably.
Ever since the day he stopped talking to you, your feelings for him had never quite faded away. Just when you believed that you were free of them, again they would resurface - memories of bliss and warmth and the feeling of being valued. Of being cared for. Of course, there was nothing left between the two of you. But still, these affections haunted you like a ghost wherever you walked.
… He was the boy you loved… and he was absolutely, unequivocally determined to get himself killed.
It made you angry. Angry at him for being a suicidal idiot. Angry at the world that had molded this child into a soldier. Angry at yourself for your own role in perpetuating these cruel circumstances. Angry at yourself also being a victim of said circumstances. Eren was the enemy, the very antithesis of what you stood for. But you felt like the villain.
Sod the world, you thought bitterly.
Whatever the case, it was anger that renewed your energy. You wanted to do something now. To act. If Humanity was destined to fall, then it was better to get it over with as quickly as possible. You may as well help speed it up a little.
And speaking of that, you had a job to do.
Reiner and Bertholdt stood at a distance, but caught your eye. You gave them a subtle nod, finished up your drink, and rose from your seat. Weaving through the throngs of chattering Cadets, you slipped out of the banquet hall. Unseen. Unnoticed. No one at the party would miss your absence.
Trost Branch Military Headquarters was situated in a cold and lonely castle. Your footfalls echoed across the stone as you flitted through the halls, sparsely lit by low-burning torches. Every so often, you voices, accompanied by shadows and footsteps. Whenever they drew near, you ducked behind the nearest column, avoiding several passers-by that way.
Furtively, you worked your way downstairs into the supply depot, where the gas tanks were kept. If you remembered correctly, this was where the Cadets currently stored their Maneuvering Gear as well.
And there they were, all in a neat row, lying in their own crates, with labels to identify their owners. You smiled cruelly. Time to get started.
You set to work laying down the preliminary steps of the operation - sabotage. Now this you were good at. This was something your accomplices could count on you to do without messing up. With grim concentration, you spent the evening in the supply house and the gear shed, doing as much damage as you could without being too obvious.
First, you tampered with the gauges on the fuel rods and emptied them out, leaving them only a quarter full. All the while, you left behind subtle marks to let Reiner, Annie, and Bertholdt know which ones were safe to take, and stored them in a hidden space behind the tanks.
Next, you meddled with the 3D Maneuvering Gear. All you needed was a few mishaps here and there. Something that could be pinned on negligence and not sabotage. You messed with the calibrations, loosened a few screws, and exchanged new cables for worn-out, fraying ones. You had no vendetta against any Cadet in particular… but when you happened upon Jean Kirschtein's set of gear through random selection, you felt a little more vindictive than usual as you sabotaged the cable-firing system.
Well, you thought viciously. …It's not like I was ever a saint to begin with.
Still, you felt an unpleasant knot in the pit of your stomach as you returned Jean's gear to its crate. If he, or any of the other unfortunate Cadets died because of a maneuvering accident, it would more than likely be on your hands.
…Which was why, for some bizarre reason or another, you left Eren's gear alone entirely. What was the point? Hell if you knew. It just seemed like delaying the inevitable. Maybe you were just trying to protect your conscience - damaged as it already was. You certainly didn't harbor any hope whatsoever of him surviving Humanity's inevitable defeat, that was for certain. Who said it hurt to hope? You did. As far as you were concerned, hope was poison. It hurt like hell to hope.
You worked well into the night. By the time you were done, your forehead was slick with sweat, and your eyes were starting to strain. The pitter-patter of footsteps in the stairwells above, along with the glow of a held torch, signaled that it was time to leave.
"Is someone here?" called a voice.
By that point, you had already fled into the shadows, finding a door that lead into the courtyard. Eager to escape, you slipped through, finding yourself outside in the shroud of night, with not even the moon to light your way. Letting out a sigh of relief, you began winding your way back towards the main entrance… only to bump headlong into someone along the way.
"Ow! Hey!"
You cringed, kicking yourself mentally for neglecting to check if the coast was clear. Fearing the worst, you opened your eyes, and found yourself face-to-face with…
"… E-Eren!"
The boy took one good step back and stared at you, mouth slightly agape. From the bewildered look on his face, you were the last person he had expected to run into, here in the dead of night.
"…[First]?!"
His two closest companions, as always, were not far off. Mikasa gave you a cold look. Armin merely glanced at you and the door you had just come through, wearing a puzzled expression. You stared back at them, palpitating on the spot. How were you going to explain yourself? If they knew you had just been in the supply room, would they suspect a thing?
As for Eren, his wide-eyed surprised faded into something of a scowl. He stirred uncomfortably, dithering over what to do. No shock there, considering the two of you hadn't been on speaking terms for the past two years. You shrank a little, expecting him to brush you off without another word. It was more than you deserved, anyway.
Instead, he demanded in a sullen manner, "…What are you doing out here? The banquet should be over by now, right? Shouldn't you be heading back into the dorms?"
Funny. You could have asked him the same thing.
"… I am," you mumbled lamely, unable to look at him directly. "…I just got turned around on my way back from the privy. That’s all."
"But you just came out of the supply room," Armin pointed out. "How did you end up all the way here?"
You gave him the fakest of smiles, trying to look as harmless and airheaded as possible. "W-well, what can I say? Getting lost in the castle was a bit of an adventure…"
You laughed weakly, and found yourself unreciprocated. Mikasa simply gave you an unreceptive glare, while Armin remained oddly silent. You wilted, and shut your mouth. How mortifying, indeed.
Eren, meanwhile, shook his head and let out an incredulous huff.
"You're hopeless," he muttered, turning on his heel and skirting his way around you. His two companions followed. Your heart sank as you watched him go, leaving you behind. Perhaps it had been too much to hope for… to believe that he could forgive you after all this time…
… Eren suddenly stopped in his tracks.
"…You might as well follow us back," he pointed out coldly, not turning around. "Since we're heading in the same direction."
You blinked. On he marched, more than happy to leave you behind if that was what you preferred.
…But as you trailed behind the group, following them like a lost pup on the return path to the keep, he said nothing. Nor did he slow his steps for you to catch up with him. But he didn't leave you behind, either.
In spite of everything, you found yourself wanting to be near him. But as you edged closer, Mikasa barred your path to Eren and walked in front of you, narrowing her eyes at you over her shoulder. You quickly got the message, and kept your distance. As the four of you walked, instead of looking at Eren, you looked down at your feet.
There was a vacuum of awkward silence before Eren suddenly spoke again.
"So …Decided on your branch yet?"
You pursed your lips. Really? After all these years of not talking to eachother,he was going to bring that up now? You grimaced and clutched at your sleeves. Thoughts of the sabotaged gear flooded you with guilt and self-loathing. Just how many dreams would you end up crushing, in the end?
"…Well, the Military Police isn't exactly an option for me," you said with a shrug. "… So I guess I'm destined for either the Garrison or the Legion."
"Yeah, I get it," Eren snapped, giving you an impatient scowl over his shoulder. "But which one?"
You really didn't want to talk about this.
"Doesn't matter," you said between gritted teeth. "Either way is fine with me. Maybe I'll even flip a coin to help me decide."
Eren whirled around. "Yeah? And what if you end up in the Recon Corps? You're just gonna do what the coin tells you to do?" he asked. That tone was no less than patronizing.
You glowered back at him, already tired of this discussion. "If it's fate, then that's where I'll go."
"…You're fucking kidding me, right?" he demanded. "Fate? Is this some kind of a joke to you?"
You almost burst out laughing. Oh, if only you knew.
Instead, you gave him an apathetic look. "No. I just don't care."
"You damn well should!" Eren said, temper rising. "It's your life and future that's on the line, especially if you join the Recon Corps! Can't you at least appreciate how important it is?"
You brushed off a piece of imaginary lint off of your sleeve. "… Right. 'Important.' " You were just beyond caring.
At your blasé response, Eren's anger faded entirely. He merely looked aghast.
"…Isn't it?" he asked, voice faltering as he stared at you. "…What the hell is wrong with you, [First]? Don't you value your own life?"
This time, you really did laugh. There was no cheer or humour, though. Just bitterness.
"… Value my life? What are you talking about?" you asked derisively. "Whether it’s the Garrison, or the Legion, or even the Military Police… everyone dies in the end. There's no meaning beyond that."
You looked away, glaring into a corner. "…Why does it matter so much to you anyway?"
Eren was at a complete loss for words. Just when he was about to respond, Mikasa cut him off.
"Forget it, Eren," she said, gazing at you in contempt. "It's just as you said. She's hopeless. …And pathetic, too."
Armin cringed. "Mikasa, that's a little…"
No. Mikasa spoke truer words than she would ever know. Staring at the three of them, you felt you were looking across an insurmountable distance. They were survivors of Zhiganshina, a disaster that you had helped to cause. And tomorrow, you were going to put them through the same nightmare all over again.
You didn't belong with them. Hell, you didn't belong anywhere.
"… I'm leaving," you said, stomach churning as you turned a heel.
"[First], wait-" Eren started.
"You heard me," you replied, cutting him off. You fled into the hallway until they were out of sight, wishing you had walked away from the very beginning.
If I had known we were going to have our first conversation in more than two years, I…
Coming to a stop, you clenched your teeth, placing your fist against the stone wall. All things considering, that conversation with Eren may very well have been your last.
This… wasn't how I wanted it to go.
… Your three accomplices appeared, emerging from the gloom of the hallway. Right on schedule. You mustered your composure as they approached.
"Everything went well?" asked Reiner. He was referring to the sabotage. You nodded stiffly. Reiner frowned in concern.
"What's up?" he asked. "Did something happen?"
There was just no hiding anything from these three. Then again, you weren't the best at keeping your emotions under wraps either.
You rubbed your nose and sniffled lightly. "I just bumped into Eren, earlier. That's all."
They immediately understood.
Annie scowled. "What, after all these years? Isn't that supposed to be ancient history by now?"
"Annie…" Bertholdt nudged her, none too subtly. Annie glared at him, but took the hint and kept her mouth shut. Quite frankly, you were a little surprised that Bertholdt of all people had come to your defense. Then again maybe not, considering that he likely had the guiltiest conscience of them all.
Reiner sighed, looking just about as uncomfortable as Bertholdt did.
"[First], I know it's difficult, but you have to let it go," he said, rubbing the back of his thick neck. "At least tell us that we can still count on you for… for tomorrow. Yeah?"
You stared at your feet. "…Yeah."
These three were your partners-in-crime. Fellow murderers, all of you. God knew you didn't always see eye to eye, but they were the only ones who had any idea of what you were feeling right now. If there was ever a need for solidarity between the four of you, it was now. No matter what your history with them might be.
For the first time in what felt like forever, the three of them walked alongside you back to the dorms. Not a word was spoken, but at one point, Reiner reached out and awkwardly patted your shoulder.
You thought it was a rather lame way to try and console you. …But you decided, for once, to take it in good faith anyway.
---
That night, you lay in bed, wide awake and sleepless as your fellow female Cadets snored. Everyone slept so peacefully, untroubled by the very thoughts of death and violence that plagued you so.
…That said, a rustling in the bunk above told you that a certain someone was having just as much trouble sleeping as you were.
For a moment, the idea terrified you. But, mustering the courage, you dared to whisper into the dark.
"…Annie."
No response.
"…Annie!" You hissed.
A muffled groan served as your reply. You had a feeling she'd heard you the first time and was simply trying to ignore you.
"…Can't sleep either?" You asked.
More shuffling.
"… I was well on my way until you started talking," came the cold reply.
You pouted, staring into the upper bunk.
"That's a lie," you said bluntly.
Silence, then a grudging response. "…Yeah. You're right."
And there it was. Annie was no calmer about this than you were. She was just better at you than hiding it.
You couldn't believe you were even doing this. Usually Annie was near impossible to talk to on friendly terms. But hey, if you couldn't force yourself into slumber, the very least you could do was distract yourself from the torment of your thoughts. Naturally, speaking about the plan for tomorrow was out of the question, so you decided to go with the next thing that nagged at your mind.
"… You've been sparring a lot with Eren these past couple of months," you murmured.
Annie sighed wearily. "Him again…? …Yeah. What's it to you?"
You curled up in your blankets, reminiscing back to a time when you were the one in Annie's place, practicing hand-to-hand combat with Eren. You remembered hating it at first, until Eren began praising you for your defensive skills. Now, you'd do anything to be in Annie's place again.
"…What's it like, having him as an opponent?" you asked quietly.
"… You're asking me?" Annie replied incredulously. "Didn't you practice with him for a while at one point?"
Yeah, you thought glumly. Before Bertholdt came along and burned that bridge.
"I just wanted to know what it's like, from your point of view," you said. "…What do you think of him?"
For a while, Annie said nothing. You automatically assumed that she was ignoring you again. Just as you were about to roll back to a more comfortable sleeping position, however…
"… He's… interesting," Annie finally answered. "He's a fool, but he's got guts - and the passion to go with it. I've never seen anyone with such a thirst for learning. Anything I teach him, he picks it up and never forgets."
Strangely enough, it sounded as though she were smiling. True enough, Annie had seemed a little more spirited these past few days spent sparring with Eren. Before, it always seemed as though martial arts practice bored the hell out of her.
"You can see it in his eyes - even if it's just a practice match, he gives it his all," she murmured. "…I haven't had this much fun in a while, to be honest."
"More fun than beating me senseless, you mean?" you asked with a slight sneer.
"Well, if you had half the spine he has…" Annie retorted. You could sense her hesitation however.
After a moment, she sighed wearily.
"Beating you up all the time… wasn't fun. If I gave you that impression… well, you're wrong."
You blinked in surprise. If you didn't know any better, coming from Annie, that sounded like an apology.
"Why do it, then?" you asked. Well, you knew part of the reason why. When it came to hand-to-hand combat training, you were even less enthusiastic about it than Annie. Knowing what you were here for, and what your abilities entailed, someone needed to motivate you to keep those skills sharp if you weren't going to do it yourself.
Annie shuffled uncomfortably above your head. "… Because I thought you were too lazy and apathetic to pull your own weight. It made me angry. For a moment, I thought you were just going to sit back and watch…and let the rest of us do the unpleasant work. At some point my life is probably going to depend on you. You realize that, don't you? …I have to know I can rely on you if that happens."
She paused, just to let the reality sink in your head a little. "Beating you up like that… I wanted to knock some sense into you. To make you understand just what's at stake here - our lives, and more. …As it turns out, I was wrong. Laziness wasn't the problem with you."
You listened, and nodded to yourself. "No. It wasn't. …I'm just a damn coward is all."
"Pretty much," huffed Annie. "…But then again, if you're a coward, then what does that make me?"
"Better at surviving than I am," you reasoned. "At least if you're terrified, you'll lift a finger to save yourself. Me, I'd rather just hole up in a corner somewhere, like the pathetic mouse I am. …Funny you should mention that, Annie. It's hard to picture you being afraid."
And yet, you knew better.
"…Annie?" you called out, when she didn't respond.
"…[First]," she said. It felt like she was acknowledging you for the first time. "…I know we aren't exactly friends, and we'll probably never be on the same wavelength. But... I'd feel better if I knew I can count on you, in case something happens."
"Says the Lone Wolf of the 104th," you said with a faint smirk. But, with a more serious outlook, you gave Annie's words some consideration.
"I'll… do my best," you said finally. "If you need my help, I'll try not to let you down. …Of course, you'd better do the same for me."
"Fair enough," said Annie. Sounded like a truce to you. That was a first.
You heard her rolling over in the bunk above. "…Go to sleep [First]. We've got an early start tomorrow."
"Yeah…" you murmured, stomach filled with knots.
An early start, indeed…
You yawned and closed your eyes, snuggling against your pillow. Weariness lulled you at last to sleep, but it was plagued by dark dreams and nightmares of a past best left forgotten.
---
At dawn, you rose at last, shoulders stiff and shaking with dread. Despite your conversation the night prior, Annie's expression remained cold and deadpan as the two of you headed down for breakfast. You did your best to blend in with the other Cadets, faking morning grumpiness in lieu of genuine anxiety and terror with what was about to happen.
…It quickly became obvious to you that Bertholdt was bearing the brunt of it. Luckily, he didn't stand out too much. By now, everyone took him for something of a wimp. The jittery nervousness, and even the heavy sweating were just the normal quirks of the 104th's most timid bumbler. But you knew better. After years spent holding a lethargic grudge for what he did to drive you and Eren apart… you couldn't help but pity him.
You stared across the table at Bertholdt.
"…You alright?"
His face, paler than normal, blinked up at you… and gave a rigid nod. You could see the dark circles in his eyes, the telltale signs of stress, anxiety, and lack of sleep. The sheer weight of what he was about to do was bearing down heavily. Likely, he couldn't think of anything else right now.
Reiner sat next to him, looking equally grim but more attentive than anything. You knew what was up. Reiner always took it upon himself to be the stronger and more steadfast one, for Bertholdt's sake. That said, his job was no easier than that of his contemporary.
You glanced at Annie, who merely swallowed down her breakfast without uttering a single word. Compared to Reiner and Bertholdt, her part in this dangerous game was smaller - as was yours. But that didn't mean you were any less culpable.
The four of you sat in silence until the bell clanged, signaling the end of breakfast. The Cadets all helped cleaned up, then hurried forth to carry on with the day's duties.
Out of the corner of your eye, you spotted the Zhiganshina trio heading out for a stint around town. You could see an expression of excited glee on Eren's face. No doubt he was eager to see his childhood heroes, the Recon Corps, before they departed for Wall Maria.
That was when you remembered… Eren, along with a handful of other graduates, were assigned to clean the wall-mounted artillery that morning. Right at the planned point of attack.
You gulped in fear, knowing the danger Eren was in. But you reminded yourself - in the end, everyone dies. The sooner you learned to accept that, the less painful it would be.
You were on duty in the supply depot that morning. Reiner was on lookout duty. When he descended from the battlements to report in, you could tell from the look on his face that zero hour was drawing close.
"The Recon Corps have left for their expedition," he said, face deadpan. "Bertholdt… it's time."
Before seeing them off, you fitted their gear with the undamaged fuel rods you had saved for them. Bertholdt wiped the sheen of sweat from his brow, took several deep breaths to steady himself, and left with Reiner for Trost Gate. Neither of them said a word, nor did you.
Your nerves prickled with nervousness and anticipation as you continued counting inventory. Now, it was time to wait.
You glanced at the other Cadets who were working in the supply depot. Connie and Sasha were chatting animatedly together as they fueled up, never knowing that the pressure gauges on their fuel rods had been tampered with. …You watched them from the corner of your eye. When would they notice, you wondered?
Armin's voice caught your ear from somewhere nearby.
"… Jean, what happened with your gear?"
You froze.
Jean gave the blond boy a puzzled look. "What do you mean, what's happened? This is how I've always had it, calibrations and all."
Armin frowned. "Something doesn't seem right with it…"
Jean shrugged. "You're probably just imagining things. It was fine when I used it yesterday. I even tested it out earlier today, too. Works like a charm, because I always keep it well-maintained."
You swallowed down your guilt. He had absolutely no idea, did he?
Armin didn't look quite convinced, but let the matter go. "If you say so…"
Unbeknownst to them, your hands shook. It didn't matter how much of a pain Jean was, taking advantage of your inability to say no. He didn't deserve to get himself killed over sabotaged equipment.
Then again, no one here did. …But it had to be done.
You closed your eyes, waiting for what seemed to be an eternity. Soon. Very Soon. In fact, it couldn't possibly be long now…
…The fort was struck by an explosive force coming from Trost Gate, strong enough to shake the castle's very foundation. More than half of the Cadets were knocked off their own feet. Those who remained standing stared at each other in bewilderment.
"What the bloody hell was that?!"
Everyone flooded outside, onto the parapets, lookout platforms, and battlements to see where the blast had come from. Meeting Annie's eyes, you followed them.
For those who lived through the horror of Zhiganshina, it was a sight all-too-familiar. To those who had only known of the event through hearsay, the sight surpassed every legend, rumour, and story they might had heard about.
You merely stared in silence as the Colossal Titan peered over the Wall, into the vulnerable city below. Where Gate Rose once stood, there was merely a gaping, ruined hole. Like a wound.
…And so begins death, you thought to yourself wearily.
---
It wasn't long until the first wave of Titans slouched into the city, clashing head-to-head with the vanguard. A small army of humans, no matter how brave or skilled or determined, was no match for such a terrifying force. Once they were slaughtered, the Titans simply marched on, wearing looks of drunken stupor, eager for their next meal.
You hated them. But in a way, you also pitied them, the way they existed on nothing else but their own mindless compulsions. At least you retained a will and identity of your own.
…Then again, mindless oblivion didn't sound so bad. Titans were killers all the same, but the ones who weren't shifters didn't have to live with the burden you liked to call a conscience.
Everyone was in a terrified panic. No surprise there. What left you shocked was when Reiner came back with Bertholdt in tow. The tall, black-haired youth looked as though he had just stared death in the face.
"What the hell happened to you?!" you hissed, well out of earshot from the other Cadets.
"There was a close call," Reiner muttered, speaking for Bertholdt while the lad was still recovering. "… Eren nearly landed a strike on his nape."
You and Annie exchanged looks. The four of you had expected some form of resistance, but Eren was another force to be reckoned with entirely. But perhaps not surprisingly, Bertholdt's safety was not the first priority on your mind.
"Eren…" you whispered, wide-eyed. "Is…. Is he…?"
Your answer came almost immediately as the green-eyed boy burst in, panting, face tense with anxiety and something resembling…rage. It was the feverish look of someone fresh out of a fight.
"Trost is under attack!" he bellowed from the top of the stairs. "They're briefing us in the courtyard! We have to assemble, NOW!"
For one terrified moment, his eyes met yours. You froze underneath that emerald-eyed stare. Then, just as quickly, he hurried off - presumably to look for Mikasa and Armin.
You forced yourself to breathe easy. There's no way he'd know. And if things went your way, perhaps he never will.
Looks like my cover as a soldier is finally coming to an end, you thought to yourself.
---
In the courtyard, the Cadets were briefed on the defensive operation, which served as no comfort in the least. It quickly became obvious that Captain Kitts Verman of the Garrison intended to leave them as sacrificial lambs to cover his escape. The newly-graduated youngsters reacted in the most expected way possible - by succumbing to despair.
"This is it… this is the end…"
"We're all done for…"
"Mom… Dad… I don't want to die…!"
"…I should never have become a soldier…"
Try as you might, it was impossible to drown out their voices. These were trainees you had known for all of three years, and while you weren't terribly attached to any of them… what wrong had they done you? Nothing at all.
And yet, they were going to suffer the consequences of your actions, this very day.
You made your way across the courtyard, feeling numb and ill. How could Reiner, Bertholdt, and Annie just accept all of this without feeling a thing? Calling them human was already a stretch, but how was it that they had the nerve to stomach all of this, while you could barely keep it together?
Dammit… you cursed at yourself, biting your nails, gnawing dangerously close to your flesh. … I can't do this. …I really can't do this. I just want to confess already and turn myself in… I don't want to do this anymore!
But if you really did hand yourself over, what would be the consequences? Death… or worse?
While everyone else moved at double time, your steps lagged. You felt yourself hyperventilate.
"… [First]…?"
You came to a stop at a column and leaned against it, shaking uncontrollably. This was no time to fall apart and be sick… but you couldn't help it. Burying your face into your arm, you closed your eyes, wishing that this was just a bad dream and you would wake up a normal person, happy and carefree.
"[First]…!"
A familiar voice filled your ears, but your head was swimming. You couldn't focus. Everything was crashing on your psyche so hard and so fast, you could barely stay conscious.
It hurt to even breathe. What in the world was happening?
The moment you lost balance, you heard rapid-fire footsteps coming your way.
"[First]….!!"
Rough, boyish hands grabbed you just as you blacked out. Instead of letting you fall face-first into the stone, they kept you upright. The sheer unexpectedness of being held jolted you back into the waking world. You blinked your eyes open.
…No wonder those hands felt so familiar. It was Eren holding you. On his face was a look of shock and worry.
"[First]! Snap out of it! Get it together!" he yelled at your face. Not out of anger, you realized. For whatever reason, seeing you collapse in the middle of the courtyard had scared the shit out of him.
"…E-Eren?" you murmured, in a daze. Your digits felt cold. Your vision oscillated. Your ears rang, and the surface of your skin tingled with numbness. Was this what they meant by an anxiety attack?
"[First]…!" This time, Eren pleaded with you. "C'mon, you're stronger than this! Get a grip, or you won't stand a chance out there! [First]!! Hang in there!"
His warmth revived you. Blunt fingertips dug into your shoulders - hard. The pain forced you back into focus. Hang in there? Hang on for what? Not for this damned life of yours, that was for certain. …But what else was there?
You rubbed your eyes, gritting your teeth in concentration.
… Right. How could you have forgotten?
…You made a promise to yourself that you'd see this mission through to the end… and return home, no matter what the cost.
Eren watched tentatively as you gathered your strength, and slowly rose to your feet. Somehow, you found the will to keep going, in spite of the inner turmoil that plagued you. As you looked up into his face, you realized that his hands were still steadying you. When was the last time he had ever held you like this?
… But that was all in the past. The longer he kept his hands on you, the more awkward it felt. You wriggled away.
"I… I'm alright now…" you gasped, turning your reddening face aside.
Eren didn't look convinced. "[First], are you sure? I mean, you practically fainted just now. If you're gonna fight the Titans-"
"I'll be fine," you told him, perhaps a bit more tersely than you intended. Eren flinched, and removed his hands. Feeling guilty, you fidgeted.
"I… I'd better go," you stammered, turning a heel. "Everyone's getting ready to sortie… We'll get left behind…"
Even now it was still difficult to even look at him.
Eren called out just as you started running. "[First], wait up. …I said wait!"
His hand gripped yours, preventing your escape. You finally met his eyes directly, startled beyond all wit. To him, you must have looked terrified, for he immediately loosened his grip.
To your surprise, he gulped, looking more pained and nervous than you had ever seen him.
"I know that there's no time," he said. "I might not get another chance to say this…any time soon… so please. Hear me out."
Still feeling weak at heart, you looked away, but remained silent to let him know he was listening.
Eren continued. "[First]… What I said to you that night… I didn't mean it."
Everything fell still. …Could he mean…?
"You know what I'm talking about, right?" he went on, determinedly. "When you told me that you were fooling around… that you led me on because you thought it'd be fun…" He paused. "… In that moment, I just stopped thinking clearly."
His expression became pensive.
"I guess at the time… I just didn't want to believe it. I couldn't. And truth be told, I still don't. Even after I broke things off with you, it still didn't make any sense. Because of that, I've always wondered if there was something you haven't been telling me."
Oh, if only you knew, you thought to yourself miserably.
Eren looked away, shamefaced. "In fact, it's been bothering me all this time, and yet I never understood the reason until now."
He gulped again, and his voice broke. "Now I know… from the beginning, I should have asked you why."
You glanced at him out of the corner of your eye. On his look was the strangest expression of guilt, affection, and nostalgia all at once.
He smiled faintly. "Even after what happened, I still watched you, y'know…? I always noticed when the others pushed you around, yeah? Jean and Ymir wringing favors from you… Sasha stealing your food… Every day, I kept seeing Annie beat you up in the proving grounds. I knew you hated it, and I… I couldn't stand it. In my head, I kept yelling at you to stand up and fight, instead of taking it lying down."
Eren's teeth clenched. "But I was too wrapped up in my own anger to do anything. All I could think about was how betrayed and angry I felt. Not once did I make an effort to understand how you might have felt, all this time. But you know what makes it even worse, [First]? … I already knew…"
His voice suddenly broke, and trembled. "I knew, because … whenever I looked your way, you're always alone. You never ever smile. And you always look… so sad."
When you remained lost for words, he asked, "…Why is that, [First]? Why didn't you ever say anything to me? If you were suffering and I was too stupid to figure it out myself… couldn't you have trusted me, just a little?"
You stood there frozen, silent as a statue. Of course you couldn't say anything. You could feel Eren's eyes at your back, his hand gripping yours, waiting for an answer. When none was forthcoming, he relented with a sigh.
"…I guess not, huh?" he said ruefully. "Look, I can understand if you don't want to tell me anything at this point. That's fine. I probably don't deserve to hear it after… after leaving you alone… for the longest time."
His hand suddenly tightened around yours.
"… But just in case you change your mind, all I want is for you to know that I'm still here. And if there's anything you want to say to me… anything at all, I'll listen. For real this time. …I promise."
When you remained wordless still, he didn't press the subject. Instead, he gave your hand one last squeeze, and let you go.
"Listen, [First], I have to go now. Promise me you'll stay alive out there, alright? Think about what I said," he turned a heel. "… And please. Don't ever say that your life isn't important."
Not expecting a reply, he trotted off at a brisk pace, only you stop the moment he heard you…
…sobbing. Tears and all, shoulders shaking. Venting your true feelings for the first time in what seemed like ages. As you buried your face in your hands, Eren looked at you in alarm, wondering what in the world he'd done wrong this time. That was when you spoke at last in a small, trembling voice.
"Thank you… Eren."
He paused a little awkwardly, perhaps as a way of showing his acknowledgement, before running off to meet up with his squad. There was a battle that called for you both, regardless of what side you were really on. …And you still had your part to play as a soldier in disguise.
You still didn't know what to think now. Funny how the end of the world was literally at humanity's heels, bloodshed was imminent, and all you could think of was how happy you were, knowing that Eren didn't really hate you after all this time.
…That didn't make it hurt any less when, hours later, a tearful Armin told the surviving Cadets of the tragedy that had befallen Squad 34. You had always known that Eren Jaeger would end up a casualty of this twisted game sooner or later. You just hadn't expected him to be gone from this world this soon. You weren't there when it happened, but you felt like a murderer all the same.
... How in the world were you going to keep that promise now?
Related content
Comments: 130
I've been waiting for a year now, this is my second acc im so sadddd 
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PART 5???? I'm rooting for these chapters. Eren OH GODDD
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PLEASEEEE CONTINUE THISSS ;3; I wanna see what happens next update if you got time ;3!
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MOOOORE PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEE~~~! I'm literally on my knees now.
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Geez,i cant wait to read more of this.i just cant predict how the reader will be forgiven by humanity for all she was involved with.So thats why im very curious on how the story of reader-chans relationship of eren goes til the end,how she will be spared from it all the faults she had done.Surely,eren was given a chance when his titan form was discovered to be on humanities side considering he was inocent.So im sooo much curious on what the reader's fate will be once her true identity as a titan shifter will be revealed,how in the world will humanity accept her,especially the military.I hope to read more of this story!it really piqued my interest.
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Im not the kind of person who cries easy ,b-but this made me cried a lot *sob*
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Beautifully written indeed. At first, I was like:
'This will turn out as Reader and Eren meeting, falling in love, and all that crap.'
But then, I gave it a chance and now I'm wanting more. Jeez, is it really that easy to screw with my feelings? XD
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AHK
My heart...
Hopefully this will be updated, someday
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Plz write more! This is killing me! In one part of the story you could make it like; they found out that (reader) is a Titan shifted and chain her up. Levi takes Eren down there at one point and (reader) tells him about her being a Titan shifter. Something like that. Just giving out ideas. Cause I like to help people with their stories.
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more. I really don't like the reader in the story or the plot. Becasuse I hate the titan shifters and the kill humanity. But, it is soo beautifully written and tragic.
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THIS CHAPTER HURTS ME
I will owe you for the rest of my life if you continue this oh my Goooood
You write everyone so well AND I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS
;A;
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I. Am. Crying!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeease make more! This can't just end like this!!!!!!
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I am literally drowning in tears T_____T I NEED MORE OF THIS !!! PLEASEEE I'm begging you TnT !!!
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I JUST. WOW. KSJDKCDECKMDKEKFN. I need more of this. 'Mister Sunflower' and 'The Visitor' too omg I'll be waiting for them. You're seriously one of the best writers out here aND I RECENTLY FINISHED READING 'Just Be'. OMG. Girl you nearly had me in tears I cannot. Please continue your awesome work 'cause I can't get enouGHHHH.
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THERE HAS~ TO BE MORE!! THIS IS SO AMAZING!!
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I almost cried, Yaaaaa- *sees tears running doen my cheeks* D-DANGIT *tries to wipe my tears away but failed* WAAAAAAHHH
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PLEASE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD UPDATE THIS AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, FLAWLESS WORK OF BEAUTY YOU HAVE CREATED. In all seriousness, (putting fangirling aside) this is one of the best works I've ever read, including original works. What makes it more special is the fact that this is a /Reader, and I'd HATE for it to go unfinished and discontinued. It's just too good for that fate. (only reader fanfiction I've ever 100% liked and enjoyed, to be honest) I hope that you can find some time to add a chapter to this amazing story, and I will eagerly await the next update.
You are a very, VERY good writer.
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Omg this story is by far the best Eren x reader I've ever read! And trust me,I've read a lot! I just love how you write,I can totally picture it in my head and the romance and ugh it's just amazing! I hope you continue soon!
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More in a bit! I just need to find time is all XD;;;
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There will be! As soon as I have time to breathe XD;;;
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Whoop whoop! And take your time hun (UwU)
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I'll try to write more soooon!
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Gawd, this series is getting more emotional than I should be. I honestly don't know what else to say other than I'm in love with it. <3
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I'm so glad! Sorry for the wait between chapters, life has been hellishly busy XD But the good part is yet to come and I HAVE to write it! heheheh
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I like this story sooooo much!!
Mooore please!! 😁
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I'll try to write more sooooon!
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I WILL! Thank you for your endless patience =3
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Oh wow, so good.
Can't help but be excited for vampire Erwin, my knees go weak at the thought or it could just from me being sick for like ever.
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Hehehehe, Erwin vampire will be quite the experience 8D We'll see how it goes though~
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