Comments: 43
photographer7777 [2012-01-09 23:52:59 +0000 UTC]
You're writing is amazing!
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mynameisfaerie [2012-01-04 16:48:49 +0000 UTC]
Your metaphors and similes are very clever.
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CityLightning In reply to veritaslux [2011-12-21 21:21:52 +0000 UTC]
Thank you so much! For the watch, as well. <3 Made my day. I love it if my words have an effect on someone, ugh, that's so good to know. Thank you!
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91816119 [2011-09-24 18:32:06 +0000 UTC]
Devious Rating
Vision:
Originality:
Technique:
Impact:
I thought, to make life easier for you, that I would split your piece into sections, make points with bullets, and colour-coding (green for good things, red for things that need a little improvement - not necessarily "bad" things). Because who doesn't like colour-coding?!
i. Dialogue
Your use of short sentences coupled with the almost fractured passages between the two characters (e.g. the "sprezzatura" conversation - the narrator starts this dialogue from a continued strain of thought; one which the other character cannot see; a spontaneous 'outburst'), creates a feeling of intrigue as to the 'before' and 'after' chapters of the two characters' story. It also gives the reader a very unique view of each persons' personality and behaviour.
To maintain the simplicity, you have in places missed out who it was who said certain things. I, for one, read through the piece several times; not just so that I was familiar enough with it to critique it properly, but also to really get a hold on who was saying what. (I must say, though, it was a pleasure to read it as many times as I did!)
ii. Language
An excellent display of vocabulary - well put together. It most certainly did not feel like I'd just had a thesaurus thrown at me, which is always a nice feeling. You most certainly knew your words.
Your description managed to hold so many possibilities in it: I think that you used it well in order to create that sense of mystery, and to maintain the shadow over the true purpose of the piece - I could most definitely see the characters in a garden from centuries gone by...or just yesterday.
iii. Structure
Very easy to read, pleasantly fell on the eyes. Even when you used brackets that I myself am not a fan of (e.g. "...lightly to her right {towards me}."), I felt that they suited your piece and style of writing so perfectly, that I couldn't possibly pick on you for them!
iv. Plot & Ideas
By managing to write a capturing and intense (although at the same time light and 'friendly') piece about, as you say, "nothing", you have succeeded in being fantastically original - while nothing much happens, I would categorise this under both 'fiction', and 'demonstration' - because this is a perfect example of how to write a piece that feeds off dialogue.
v. Overview
Overall, I think this was a brilliant piece. An absolute pleasure to read - and strangely uplifting; I felt lighter after reading it. It is a very happy, summery snippet of prose; one that leaves you with a warm feeling after reading it. The techniques you've used - even if some of them are sub-conscious and totally unintended - have made this piece more than just a dialogue between two people. You were right: the pauses added a great deal to the piece, more depth. But the actual way in which you filled those pauses makes this piece as wonderful as it is.
vi. For the Future
I have little in terms of technique to offer you (please not that I have not yet been through your gallery - although I most certainly intend to): but I wouldlike to see you try different genres. Dabble about a bit, and find things that fit. After all, writing isn't about tying yourself down to one thing; it's about releasing yourself, letting your words flow, and seeing where they take you: and I assure you, if you do this, the results will be greatly pleasing to both yourself, and those you share them with.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
Apologies for any typos! <3
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CityLightning In reply to 91816119 [2011-09-25 17:45:08 +0000 UTC]
I definitely like colour-coding. <3
I agree with you on the dialogue - I tend to be vague, leaving it up to the audience to actually figure things out and work, which is not always a good thing at all. I'm pleased beyond description that the language felt real; as a general rule I trust in myself in that field; I hate it when you feel as if a person's used a thesaurus too much, god yes. It always seems too much. It should be in proportion, so I'm glad you felt it was!
And I'm glad the structure was easy to read. I use those absurdly stupid brackets because of the way they remind me of twisty iron gates to a garden. It's a sentimental thing to do, but it makes me think more old-worldly, and I like when that balances out in surprising ways. Thank you for finding it original, even though it may be that nothing "happens" in the piece.
It's so great that you included how it made you feel, because that's the most important bit. And that you bothered to read the Artist's Comments, referencing the pauses. Your critique is thoughtful and mature, and I wish I had more comments like this - things to build on, to remember. Please do check out my gallery, I'm indebted anyway, haha. I do intend to try out other genres, so your advice is very well aimed. Thank you very much. xox
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CityLightning In reply to MoonlightWillow6 [2011-09-22 20:33:14 +0000 UTC]
Ahh, thank you. That's really sweet of you, and it was a lovely comment. xox
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CityLightning In reply to DailyLitDeviations [2011-09-22 20:32:37 +0000 UTC]
Thank you so much, I'm really grateful. You guys are great. <3 xox
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LyCrow [2011-09-09 14:37:03 +0000 UTC]
Would it be to clichΓ© to say 'I'm very impressed'?
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CityLightning In reply to LyCrow [2011-09-09 21:26:41 +0000 UTC]
Not at all. I'm so very happy you think so. Can I ask what impressed you, or is that being pedantic? Don't worry, just thank you. xox
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glitterydoom [2011-09-05 15:41:14 +0000 UTC]
the whole thing makes me want to sigh, in the best way possible. It's just so beautiful
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CityLightning In reply to glitterydoom [2011-09-09 21:26:00 +0000 UTC]
Gah, thank you very much, I'm delighted. So sincerely. xox
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Vigilo [2011-09-03 09:48:49 +0000 UTC]
Right, first: Fryyy! Yay!
Secondly: your descriptions! They are gorgeous. Your ending sentence is fantastic, and the bit about the gardener is possibly my favourite part of this story. This whole bit is pretty stunning:
"There was a pause, during which I read -
...I gather [...] historical.
- and a whistling young gardener came around the corner of a white-flowered myrtle bush to catch sight of us. I felt, rather than saw her smile at him, saw his slow grin widen his face in response; a tip of his cap and he was gone again. His whistle dallied behind him for a moment, then was swallowed up by the incessant murmur of insects in the gardens. The sun was palely warm, the air fizzy to draw down my throat."
Also, I adore some of your dialogue - "'I'm sorry about the bird.' 'It was a thrush, did you see?'" is so natural, it's brilliant. I've a hard time believing some of it - the part about religion by the young woman seemed a bit - obvious? It wasn't as refreshing and new as the rest of the story, but that could totally just be me. I really like the ending of it - "But I'm too vain. I like to feel the sun on my face." - but before it, it seems a bit.. off.
I really, really love a lot of your dialogue and your style of writing - it reminds me a lot of Agatha Christie's dialogue, for some reason, which is wonderfully admirable, as Agatha Christie's dialogue is half of what I love about her. Sentences like this: "You mistake me, though. I am all earnestness." have this wonderful character to them, it's gorgeous (which may be why the religion-paragraph pales in contrast?).
One v. small quibble: "The aim was abandon, youthful abandon; she did achieve it." I would suggest making the semicolon a colon: "The aim was abandon, youthful abandon: she did achieve it." to make it a bit more clear. (:
"She closed her eyes as if dealt a killing blow, and leant on me once again." I honestly can't tell if this is meant in lighthearted fun or seriousness, and I love it. Your ambiguousness and subtleties are gorgeous!
Very nicely done.
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CityLightning In reply to Vigilo [2011-09-09 21:25:29 +0000 UTC]
I KNOW. FRY, RIGHT? FRY. I'm watching QI right now. I think I'm crazy. I want him to read me a bedtime story or something.
Thank you so much for the in-depth comment, it's so great of you. I'm pleased you like the descriptions, very much. Re the dialogue; I wanted to make it natural, so it's great that you picked up on that, but I do agree, that paragraph is unnatural. My only excuse is that, well, I know it's not natural. A lot of old authors write long speeches like that for their characters, I think purely to get the ideas across, not for the sake of accuracy. It's a shame it was a bit obvious, but thanks for telling me! I think she's not the most intelligent person, not predisposed to form original conclusions.
I have never read Agatha Christie, but I'm going to take it as a compliment. <333 I will take your advice on the colon. Thank you. For the whole comment too. I like ambiguity. I like it when the reader has to discuss things with themselves, and when small things mean bigger ones. And I like you. xox
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CityLightning In reply to Ophillia [2011-09-01 21:36:01 +0000 UTC]
Haha, thank you very much. xox
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CityLightning In reply to thelastperformer [2011-08-29 22:45:23 +0000 UTC]
Thank you, this was a lovely comment! Stephen Fry is an all-round intellectual/comedian/actor/writer person. Very weirdly British, but unusually not an idiot. xD Do look him up sometime. Thank you again. <3 xox
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neuroticmnemonic In reply to CityLightning [2011-08-30 20:18:05 +0000 UTC]
Oh, indeed! Your choice of wording is wonderful, and the dialogue flowed really well.
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CityLightning In reply to toxic-nebulae [2011-08-29 22:43:03 +0000 UTC]
Thank you so much; I'm glad it did, I really felt it did as well. xox
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CityLightning In reply to Cloud-of-stars [2011-08-29 22:43:51 +0000 UTC]
That's your problem, ain't it?
Thank you! Maybe slightly Italian, yeah. xox
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CityLightning In reply to Jadite [2011-08-28 12:07:58 +0000 UTC]
Thank you so much. First comment. <3 xox
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Jadite In reply to CityLightning [2011-08-29 00:13:48 +0000 UTC]
but of course <3 (:
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