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cuha — Decadence
Published: 2005-01-22 17:11:40 +0000 UTC; Views: 295; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 14
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Views on life, myself, and how people percieve me.Journal Entry: Fri Oct 1, 2004, 6:21 PM
It's funny. What it all comes down to. Is simplicity. And in the end, I will not have satisfaction. Never will.
It's true that human nature drives us to get the one thing that is beyond our reach. I despise it. We change over time, this is obvious. Recently I've done something that i vowed never to do. I've pissed off some people that are dearer to me then myself.
I am sorry, though it seems my apologies are worthless to anyone but myself. And somehow, I believe I have made them worthless. In my short, 17 years uptil now, I have convinced people, some that are dear to me, others that arent. I've convinced things that arent true. In recent memory, I think the most truthful thing i have ever said is "i love you." the words convey the meaning of what i feel. Yet it seems that within my decandent, self obsessed, narcissistic, egotistical existance that there is no place for me to love another person. How wrong is this perception of me? I am either loved or hated. And occaisionally lusted after. I know i've pissed alot of people off. I cant help it. Its just me.
I was once asked by a close friend, "what do you really want?" to which i answered "to be loved." It seems simple enough dosent it? To be something to someone. Truth be told, I was never this person I am today. I used to strive to be good, i believed firmly in the stone-set notions of good and evil. Hell, I was religious as well. But what am i now? I don't believe good nor evil exist further then points of view. I am an aethiest, at times a hedonist and seek decadence in one way or another. heh interesting change there isnt it? I've become the thing I strove not to be when i was young, and I seem to be very good at doing it. Carpe Diem! Live for the Moment! Sieze the day! etc these concepts enthral me, as life is made up of moments, however long they last. The moment could last a second or a month, even a year or a lifetime. But in the end its what it all comes down to.
Moments, those that we sieze and those that slip by us. All we have to do is sieze the ones we want. The ones that mean something to us. And occaisionally the ones that will bring some sort of happiness .
I cant really say I deserve alot of things, I know I dont. I just have alot of things in my reach, all i have to do is choose to take the ones i need. The ones i desire deeply, within my very being. I desire love. I desire happiness. I desire humanity towards me. hehe What a double standard! I cant give two damns as to what happens to someone else, but as long as it dosent happen to me, i'm fine. And it seems alot of people are right, I truely am a brat. Those that know me well enoug can agree to this; I want things my way or no way. Whichever way that is.
hehe the way this is going i'm going to be writing a novel of my life via journal. I suppose that would be a bit decadent, slightly egotistical wouldnt it? but then again, I probably wont write a novel. I am also lazy.
You'll probably be asking yourself, what i believe in. Not even the most hardbitten aetheist cant not believe in anything. I dont really know what to believe in, i suppose with being the self indulgent person i am i believe in the things i enjoy. The strings of a Mozart concerto, the smell of summer rain, the feel of a comforting warm body lying next to mine. Yet, one of my favourite memories was a storm. The dark skys surrounded a cloud, which was illuminated from the inside by a raging tempest. it was one of the most beautiful things i have ever seen. So I suppose you can say I love beauty. In one form or another. I mean, who cant say that the music of Bach isnt beautiful or stirring? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then I behold alot. For alot is beautiful for me. People have always held something as beautiful throughout the centuries. Thats my constant, as it is ever changing and always there.
Truthfully, I dont want sympathy. I mean if you're going to offer it, I wont decline it. But I dont want it. Remember, i am a self obsessed, hedonistic, decadent immoral fiend. Amongst other things . I cant help it!
EDIT: If its not too much, can I hear your thoughts on this please. (comment lol)
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Comments: 3
I cannot say nothing more then to tell you it all adds up to the fact that everything you behold & believe in, or crave & years for, all derives from one place. You have an artist's soul, Sasha, & it may be a blessing or a curse, but it depends how you convey things.
Remember, everything depends on how you view things...
I'm sure things would be better, when your perspective changes.
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It's a lonely existence to be too wrapped up in yourself. Everyone has that selfish streak in themselves (it's only natural). I can see the struggle you face: you know that you love yourself (and how completely), but you can't see yourself loving anyone else as much. You see the flaw inherent in absolute narcissism in that you will be extremely lonely and unhappy if you try to pursue it further. Humans are social creatures and need to love as much as they need love themselves.
You need to strike a balance.
In order to be truly loved, you need to reciprocate appropriately. Don't be afraid to let your feelings go and love someone utterly and completely. You can never hurt yourself as painfully as someone else can hurt you, and the fact that you are so wrapped up in yourself could be a defense mechanism of sorts.
You describe yourself much as Lestat does in those Anne Rice books. If you haven't read them, you would probably find them very interesting indeed - they way he grows and discovers himself through his escapades and adventures. Of course, he is fiction and you are in your own reality. He's beside the point. I just saw the connection there, that's all. Interesting. And it's interesting that you would open yourself up like this on an international forum! Very brave. Hope I didn't completely misunderstand you!
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you didnt completely misunderstand me. Let me paraphrase it : i know about my character flaws, i know i've had them for years and i know that they're a part of who i am so why should i change them?
i have loved people in the past completely and utterly, and that hasnt really gotten me anywhere at all.
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