HOME | DD
CyneNoir — Dionysus
Published: 2011-07-16 06:10:47 +0000 UTC; Views: 2414; Favourites: 95; Downloads: 15
Redirect to original
Description
I see how you are shakenby a mad fever, Dionysus.
You tremble in the moonlight's
gleaming nectar as does a new,
loose-limbed fawn, heady
with a foreign ecstasy that runs heavily
through your veins.
Your dance is a bright and glowing
beast that rattles the world to its bones.
I can feel it: the stirring storm; the spark
scuttling just beneath the earth; the violent wind
that scrapes soil from its gaping mouth.
Oh! How the night
is a-quiver with wanting
when you sing. In the distance
a cricket scrapes together its wings; strikes a low hum
in its paper-thin breast as it wrings rivers
from the clustered bodies of grapes. The stars
turn violet-flamed in such dust: they are vineyards
obscured by the pale, illuminated clouds
that crawl along the horizon.
As a sickle moon sinks
I see you framed
against dawn's rising light:
your body made
into an altar;
your every fingertip
tasting of frenzied song and
water-scented wine.
Related content
Comments: 34
Yay, critique! So sorry for the wait. I've been literally all over the place, emotionally and physically, and dA-ly (neologisms, it happens with too much coffee) but I'm going to start by saying that I really love this poem, and I loved it the first time I read it, and I love it even more now.
From the beginning you place yourself above the gods, giving your voice a power that must be adhered to, that must be heard. You do so very gently, charismatically, using beautiful phrases like tremble in the moonlight's gleaming nectar" and "heady with a foreign ecstasy" that gives your poem light. Your narration is wonderful.
I love when you write about the Earth, all of your nature descriptions are magical, transcendental, like you can see the Earth from afar and it's not just a tiny blue dot in outer space, it's a resplendent empty page waiting to be brought to life by your language. But you're not all rainbows and butterflies; you expose its horrific side too, and that's what makes your images in the second stanza so effective- I know it's a device you use in your other poems too, always with success- the parallels between the bright and glowing dance and the violent wind. It's beautiful to read, it makes me feel alive.
And you go on to further add beauty and depth to your experience in the third stanza.
"In the distance
a cricket scrapes together its wings, strikes a low hum
in its paper-thin breast as it wrings rivers
from the clustered bodies of grapes"
This tiny figure compared to the great Dionysus makes for a very beautiful break from the grandeur and brings it down to earth; making all your highfalutin windsong real.
However, the fourth stanza seems a little off to me, it pales next to the rest of the poem in originality- it seems like here you used cliche mythology images, while you so skillfully avoided them in the rest of the poem. I think you could just strike it altogether without maiming the significance of the poem. Or maybe just strike this bit:
"lying
in your gold-crowned chariot"
I think that's what really bothers me.
But the ending is again a very beautiful description of Dionysus from the outside. It's simply glorious, especially:
"your every fingertip
tasting of frenzied song and
water-scented wine."
Wonderful. Congrats on winning the contest, though I can't say that it's a surprise. And congrats on all your recent distinctions, the DD, the plagiarism (though I suppose that one's more bitter than sweet)...and I'm serious, I want a book. Continue to write, you are beautiful. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h… " width="15" height="13" alt="
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you so much, again, for another fantastic critique!
I've decided to take out the fourth stanza and tweak the beginning of the fifth a bit. You're right, that part was awkward in comparison to the rest.
Thank you for the compliment! The plagiarism is a pain, but it happens sometimes, I guess.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
On content
As far as I can tell, this is a pretty straightforward account of Dionysus. We have five stanzas of very lovely description, wonderful diction and pretty excellent rhythm; I can help but feel like I'm missing the significance of it. "Water-scented wine," is vaguely..Christian? If not, it's poignant in some way or another in that it seems to reduce the power of the wine, making this reader reflect on the true cause of our subject's drunkenness. Is he mad from alcohol or mad from something else?
At the same time, the first stanza pretty much spelled out that he was wasted, I think "heady with a foreign ecstasy that runs heavily through..." So either that needs some revision to make it a little less misleading, or possibly the ecstasy in his veins making him mad isn't the alcohol (as water-scented wine wouldn't help much), perhaps Dionysus has more nefarious hobbies?
Don't mind me, these are just some drive-by comments on content. The things that I consider and the wheels that shit poem makes turn, sometimes these thoughts and discussions can help sort out clarity of message and reader accessibilty for the author.
A few gripes:
Are the crickets doing the wringing? Your sentence structure indicates as much and is awfully confusing. Pretty talented crickets to be making wine.
"Pale, illuminated mountains we call clouds" feels like a really long way to say "clouds." I'm not suggesting that as an edit, that line just reads like its trying a little too hard.
On poetics
Jesus christ the internal rhyme here is really good. Every word seems precisely selected to enhance the rhyme that I didn't even pick up on until the third or fourth read. Sing, Wings, Wrings is high quality and almost musical. The alliteration of "wrings rivers" slows down the proceeding line which was a needed pacing change, because the whole crickets bit reads a bit (though pleasingly) quickly on account of the rhyme.
I'm not keen on the enjambment of "a / foreign," "mountains / we," or "body, made." This poem seems to flow, almost pour, which is appropriate considering the content; but these linebreaks are a little stop-and-start to me and kind of disturb the fluid inebriated flow of the rest of the piece.
On vocabulary
"Your every fingertip" is some well-selected diction. You have quite a knack for rhythm. Contrary to another one of your comments, "wanting" as a decent choice, as the anachronistic flare it has enhances the subject matter.
On the other-hand, does "mammal-beasts" only serving as a jockey for the rhythm? It does its job well, but I would very well assume that these beasts are mammals unless he's actually poseidon in disguise, so I read the line and wonder "hm, what was the purpose of indicating the genus of the labor animals." You may be trying to indicate that they're human? There's better ways to do that. Are they not human? Then what's the significance in them that justifies blowing an entire line describing them?
This is really great work, Cyne. I see you took distinction in the contest, recognition well deserved. Also ignore the stars, ratings aren't for critiques, it's a stupid system.
👍: 0 ⏩: 2
Thank you so much for the critique! It's awesome, and I love the way you split it up. (: The analysis at the beginning is quite interesting-- you mentioned some things I didn't think about much myself.
(This part is pretty much me talking about what I think the poem means, so feel free to skip.)
I meant this poem to be a bit of a journey, depicting one of Dionysus's mad drunken parties. The beginning kind of starts out in the middle, when he's already wasted and riding the high. Then it goes on to describe the madness and what it's like, how it affects the world. There are the obligatory mentions of wine, of course. The third stanza is meant to tamp down a bit on the drunkenness, which is sort of the reason I went for crickets. (Yeah, they are making wine, which makes no practical sense, unfortunely. Let's go with the "talented crickets" theory, I guess? 
The last stanza is pretty much daytime coming, the party is over, it's time to go back to be divine and godly. The fingertips with frenzied song and water-scented wine is supposed to show that a little bit of the wildness is still with him, even when it's over.
Anyway, moving on to critique! I changed the line about clouds and the line breaks you mentioned-- do you think they're better? Would "your body made / into and altar" read better if it was combined into one line?
The part about the mammal-beasts did sound pretty weird. I was imagining furry, shaggy animals, so mammals popped up. I actually scrapped that entire stanza, as per *archelyxs 's suggestion. Do you think it should be left out?
Sorry about all the questions, haha. I tend to ramble. Again, thanks so much for the help!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
This critique is seriously amazing and an eye-opener, I believe.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I love the description and imagery in this piece, particularly the first stanza and the last. The whole poem is very full of energy.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Very cool. Love the vocabulary and imagery you used. The flow is flawless.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
As the first critique I've done in a very long while, forgive me if I'm a little harsh.
Answers to your questions: The ending seems very appropriate to me. The dawn imagery and somewhat wistful tone are deftly combined to evoke a sense of the night's partying fading away into memory.
That alone serves to indicate my answer to your question about the imagery - the descriptions are, yes, very effective at conjuring up images of Dionysian revelry. I particularly enjoyed the second stanza, especially the idea of a spark scuttling beneath the earth. The need to dig further into the earth to find it puts me in mind of hippies trying to expand their minds with hallucinogens (something I will always be pleased to imagine).
If I were doing a proper critique, I'd probably give each section 4 stars
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Being a Greek god fanatic, I had to post a critique!
Firstly, this piece flows gorgeously. Seriously, I was at loss for words.
You picked an unusual topic, which is great. Way to do something different!
I think some of the phrases really made the poem. Your use of intense imagery really pained a picture in my mind. It felt like I was there, in the poem!
Keep it up! I look forward to reading your other work!
You have true talent! :]
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I really enjoyed reading your poem. It flowed so naturally, in a way that allowed me to keep every line in contemplation as I continued through the piece. Excellent work.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Beautiful work! What a joy to read.
1. The ending ties together the piece perfectly. I think the stanzas before the last were very powerful and used a lot of emotive words, but the last contrasts well by being more stable and neutral, almost. I love the juxtaposition of "water-scented wine" - the weakness of the water and the strength of the wine. I think it highlights the contrast in power of the character when night becomes day.
2. There are some beautiful, creative descriptions:
"moonlight's gleaming nectar"
"the clustered bodies of grapes"
"the sickle moon"
...
They work well in the context. Really, you've managed well to avoid all the cliches and haven't slipped into those boring, comfortable descriptions writers often tend to do.
3. I really have nothing else to say but congratulations! I wouldn't change anything
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I thought the poem was very imaginative and had a consistent flow. Your words painted a picture of the God and his many followers, be they man or beast, enjoying a festive party 
I hope I wasn't too mean on that last comment. I really did love this piece, and continue writing. Maybe you could do a piece on Demeter or Aphrodite next, cause they're my favorite Greek goddesses.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you very for the comment and suggestion! Don't worry about being mean, haha. It's always good to hear other opinions.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
How about some lovely imagery??
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
"The wheels shit poem makes turn" rofl rofl rofl that was supposed to say "THIS poem." Does that count as dyslexia or tourettes, you think?
👍: 0 ⏩: 2
LMAO, I was wondering about that. "Should I feel insulted or amused?" I went with amusement.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
"oh! how the night is a-quiver with wanting when you sing" - beautiful beautiful beautiful, and feels so true!!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Hm. I think this has a lot of potential to be even better. (I'm sorry for being such a grouchy critic, I promise you, I really do think this is good)
Oh! How the night
is a-quiver with wanting
when you sing. Replace 'wanting' with 'longing'?
they are vineyards
obscured by pale, illuminated mountains
we call clouds. the second line here seems too long, and as a result the third line feels a bit too short. Play around with the syntax? Something along the lines of 'obscured by the pale mountains/we used to call clouds'?
I feel that the last two stanzas are a bit weak in comparison to the rest of the poem. Some of the imagery needs brushing up--'water-scented wine' in particular is a weak ending note. 'Wild mammal-beasts' also sounded iffy...try checking out some interesting new words. I think your vocabulary (although mammoth already) sometimes lags behind the images you want to paint.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you very much for the long comment! I do love these. <3 I think I'm going to keep wanting, but I've decided to scrap the second stanza and edit the third a bit. I'll see what I can do with water-scented wine. (: The clouds line will probably be cut to "they are vineyards / obscured by pale, illuminated clouds." Again, thank you! I really appreciate the feedback.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
My pleasure entirely
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
The imagery is gorgeous- especially the third stanza.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you! I'm glad you like it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
You had me at the first line and a half; spectacular, pulchritudinous, and all the synonyms ever for each!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Aw, thank you so much! I do love synonyms, haha. <3
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
i love this. i think its very different and pretty.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1