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CyneNoir — we are all going forward
Published: 2011-08-16 07:18:56 +0000 UTC; Views: 1377; Favourites: 25; Downloads: 8
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Description
imagine this:your life strung out
on a line, on a series of lines. the sum of you
peeled apart and dissected and laid bare.
imagine your memories
radiating endlessly outward, glasslike
and glowing, making crystalline patterns
of sunshine and dust. these patterns making cracks
behind your eyes. each crack leaking dreams. imagine
yourself and your body and at the center of it
a circle of constant light.
(you are standing in the circle. the light
is blinding.)
imagine time
forgetting to breathe. the supple darkness
between its heart and lungs
suddenly expanding past eternity. billowing outward,
coiling. not a stutter
but a pause. a space
just before one moment touches the next
where everything is deconstructed
and built again. the briefest of ripples
overturning your mind. imagine this.
the universe reborn
in its entirety. a thousand brilliant stars
shattering
as their molecules fly apart,
racing toward an end
that refuses to exist. this instant
and every possible future
disconnected.
no longer anchored in reality
and reality no longer anchored in itself.
no longer delineated. imagine this. everything
free-floating. you blink
and find the world changed indefinably. find yourself
living in increments. from one frame of light
to another. in-between
the endless shifting of time and the universe's
steady heartbeat. constantly (ex)pressing
and regressing.
time rolls onward
and we fall underfoot. it does not stop.
it does not turn back. time compresses
in a linear motion, retreating
from all other dimensions, and rolls
through us again and again
until we forget that we are dying.
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Comments: 16
This is definitely a deviation from your usual style, and that, in my opinion is always a good thing in my opinion. It's not as...beautiful, or lyrical or sensuous as your other poetry, nor does it employ dense imagery, and oddly its forte is really its tone and rhythm, despite its rather rough feel.
The words you use are commonplace and stark and upfront--it's like someone demanded you to strip your content bare of fancy rhetoric, and yet there is rhetoric, plenty of it. Anyway, I'm going to take this stanza by stanza, and to hell with the star ratings.
The second person address, as always, draws the reader in and forms the initial connection between writer and reader. For some reason, the second line made me think of clotheslines, and I almost expected that to pop up somewhere in the first stanza. I don't quite like the "on a line, on a series of lines," probably because you don't really create an image that's striking enough to be adequate for the "peeled apart and dissected and laid bare." Those are powerful, powerful words, and "a series of lines" simply doesn't come close to being adequate for them. I love that last line there, the gutted feeling it gives rise to, and I love it all the more because the repetition of the "and" gives it a relentless rhythm.
Now, the first stanza normally sets the tone for a piece, and the mood till now has been one of being ripped apart--it's not a peaceful mood. Yet, the second stanza is soft, and the lack of transition is disconcerting. I'm not sure if it is meant to be so, but it felt a little rough and disjointed, as if the first few lines were part of another poem altogether. The imagery in the second stanza--and this is the first time I've ever felt this way about your writing--is rather weak. Now, I'm being extremely blunt, and really, if it were anyone else writing this, it would be passable, but knowing your level of skill, I would expect a little more originality, a little more style, a little more flavour, if you know what I mean. Yes, the content paints an image, yes, it creates an impact, but it could do more.
The third stanza feels more in tandem to the first stanza, and its imagery, combined with the sounds of the words, make it far more powerful than the second stanza. The several caesuras only magnify the impact. However, there were a few places where I thought the rhythm felt a bit off-kilter--I felt as if "between its heart and lungs" would do better without the "its" and "suddenly expanding" would sound better as "expanding suddenly." I also feel that the lines"just before one moment touches the next...built again" were a bit iffy, and would benefit from a bit of restructuring. "as their molecules fly apart" could use a more striking verb. Brilliant use of the line break, though, in the last line of the stanza--you had me holding my breath.
The fourth stanza's content has so much meaning to it that if you had used more imagery in it, it would have been a sensory overload--but you haven't done that, and it works perfectly. "find yourself/ living in increments" is sheer brilliance, and the staccato feel of the short sentence fragments amplifies, as intended, the fragmented spellbound sort of feeling. I kind of felt "the universe's steady heartbeat" would sound better as "the steady heartbeat/ of the universe,"
but that's pure nitpicking. I prefer "(ex)pressing" over "pressing," personally; it's more intriguing.
I like the first line of the last stanza as it is, and the first half of the second line...and I kind of prefer a mix of your previous version and this version, where you keep the parts I mentioned, and then bring in the "we cannot punch...ourselves from sleep" and then "keep your eyelids...cheeks" and then the "time rolls through us...dying," but meh, I'm not too sure.
Overall, the last line has as much impact as the first few lines of the poem, and yes, this piece is stunning in its own way--no piece by you could be otherwise--but it needs a bit of polishing in my opinion. Hope this was of help to you (and I hope it wasn't too blunt)! e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h… " width="15" height="13" alt="
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I realize it's been several months since you posted this, but I'm putting in my two cents.
I really really really like this poem. I was feelin it, man. Riiight up until that last stanza. Your previous final stanza looks like it'd work a lot better with some work - its brief words and simple language don't really match the rest of the poem, but the transition from the imagined and reality is made a heck of a lot smoother by that first line, "keep your eyelids pinned to your cheeks". Buckle up, kids. We're gonna go cash a reality cheque.
With the current one, you switched it up and I didn't even notice until I finished and reread the stanza.
Also, I don't like the parentheses. The first set looks out of place and breaks the flow. And to me it breaks the pattern of "Imagine this", "Imagine your memories" and "Imagine time". As for (ex)pressing... okay, nevermind that's a nice touch. Regressing serves as a great counterpart for either and each holds its own message.
Neither the parentheses nor the last stanza would stand out as much if it weren't for how captivating the rest of the poem is though. Again, I really like. Thanks for sharin.
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I liked this. I have no comment on the mechanics; it seems like have enough feedback on that. I felt like I was flying through a dream as I read this, and I quite enjoyed the ride.
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this is so amazing. i'm so glad i'm following you. (:
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so powerful and beautiful~
i am partial to the previous stanza form... the first three lines are so intense and visual... you can feel them.
i would suggest maybe combining them, like perhaps:
"keep your eyelids pinned to your cheeks.
we cannot punch ourselves awake. time compresses
in a linear motion retreating from all other dimensions
and we fall underfoot. it does not stop. it does not turn back.
it rolls through us again and again
until we forget we are dying."
just a suggestion. 
i also vote for (ex)pressing--it adds a new dimension to the poem's idea, just at the climax, where it would be expected.
well done!
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I really loved the ending. It tied it all together for me.
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The sixth stanza
is truly transcendental
and I wish I could say more
so this is placeholder text
for the compliments and worthwhile comments
I'd like to bestow on this fine work
at a time when i'm not so tired
and thinking about sleep and salt
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wow, amazing! the last stanza is my favourite.
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I love the idea of this poem, exploring the smallest step of time. I love lines like "not a stutter / but a pause", and the entire second stanza ("imagine you memories") is breath-taking. However, there are a few things that could be better, in my opinion.
There is fairly little connection between the first stanzas and the rest of the poem, as separated by the sentence in brackets. I love seeing a poem come full circle, by referring to "your life strung out / on a line" again, for example.
The enjambments feel a bit random at times. Whether it's for meter, for meaning or for surprise, a sparing use of enjambments is always better, because now I sort of ignored them and read on. Looking back on the poem, though, I see a lot of good ones as well ("everything / free-floating" and "find yourself / living in increments" are especially awesome). Think hard about which ones you really need.
The edit of the closing stanza makes it much better, but it is still not the smack in the face that a long poem like this one needs.
All in all, this is a good poem that could be great with some editing.
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Beautiful. Read it a few times, it just stole my attention and heart.
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The very beginning instantly reminded me of the Tralfamadorians from Slaughterhouse-Five.
But unrelated points aside, I thought this was wonderful. I was drawn into it from beginning to end.
I also agree that the (ex)pressing should be left as is.
Though I am sorry I don't have a good critique for you.
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This poem is absolutely breath-taking. I don't have a critique, but every single line since "imagine time / forgetting to breathe" is gradually more awesome-in-the-old-sense.
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It's not as rich in vibrant imagery as with your other poems but you do manage to carry across the motif of time and space very well. A lot of things are fragmenting and breaking in this poem but a lot of things are linking to each other in interesting ways. I think what really succeeds here is your effective control of pace and rhythm with the poem, and in this case the short sentences work to highlight each scattered moment and draw them together.
Keep the (ex)pressing as it is. The way I think of expressing is like a forward motion of emotion while regressing is heading back the opposite way, which fits completely with the idea of your poem about going forward and not going back. The juxtaposition with just 'pressing' wouldn't quite have had the same effect. I question your need for the brackets, but at the same time I don't think it makes much difference if they are removed or not.
The ending was a little sudden and abrupt, I have to admit. I think I know where you want to go with it but it just didn't really wrap up the poem as well as it could. The enjambment towards the end disrupted some of the rhythm you managed to maintain throughout the poem. You could cut the 'keep your eyelids...from sleep" line and develop more on the whole 'time is rolling' concept as a cyclical motif, and maybe it rolls out back into a line, like linear time, just to connect back to your initial idea at the beginning about how our lives are strung out in a line.
Another thing I also picked up which felt a little strange was the bracketed line "(you are standing in the circle. the light is blinding.)". I guess you were trying to pick up on the previous line and extend its meaning but it didn't really do much for me in terms of image and meaning. It felt rather generic and didn't quite connect with what you were saying before and what you were going to say next. I think you can use the bracketed line for something that has a little more punch to it.
Just my two cents.
I do quite like this overall,
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