Comments: 27
SSE-JHKlaus [2013-11-10 19:17:51 +0000 UTC]
Overall
Vision
Originality
Technique
Impact
This was, indeed, an amazing story to read. Although the story is originally written in Dutch, the translation holds my attention remarkably well and I understand the story. I can't read Dutch, but I do know that European languages hold more meaning in sentences than in English: English has turned into a melting pot of influences on its words. I'm guessing that Dutch isn't as influenced by other cultures/ languages and has multiple ways of saying a sentence similar to how French is and German is. Back to the story.
I'm not sure what vision entitles in a critique but I look at it as if the viewer or reader can picture the scenes in their mind. The way you wrote this piece allowed me to step into the scenes and picture the characters. There was some lack of details here and there that weren't provided. For example, the guards and questioners weren't described, unless I completely forgot those parts in the past 5 minutes. Otherwise, I could picture each scene the story was following.
For Originality, I have never heard of a story being perceived with people having varying ranges of powers and eventually reaching the level similar to a deity. Sure there are super hero stories but I haven't heard of a story that has a system like this. The characters with names all have their own personalities that aren't extremely similar to those of other characters.
Under technique, I have no clue how one could judge a technique. People write how they write and I can't judge them on how they do that. It'd be wrong to have any kind of criticism--constructive or not. However, I can say that it was very well crafted and thought through. I have nothing else that I can really say for the technique.
Then there's impact. One does not simply explain how one's mind is blown across the land and back again using a slice of an orange. That's how impactful... imprinting... UNFRIGGIN'BELIEVABLE! this is. Keep up the amazing story and never give up on your goal.
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SunsetSprite [2014-01-14 12:08:11 +0000 UTC]
Interesting! I like the idea! It's mystery mixed with SCI-FI, (well...I think that's what it is). It's very different from what I usually read actually and I love it. The main character is very strong and the way he describes things is very to the point. It's nice in a way. It's also a great attempt for someone who doesn't have English as a first language!
However, in some parts, I think he was too much to the point. It's okay with this style but with some parts it's not. Like when the jailer comes and clangs on the door. It could use some describing words in there. NOT TOO MUCH THOUGH. Just, if you are planning to fix this that is, try not to make it 'flowery'...As my English teacher says to me all the time. *rolls eyes* Yet don't make it look to boring.
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The other thing was some of the dialogue. Not the actual script but the editing. For instants, this part here:
‘Well, hello there!,’ he started sarcastically
The comma shouldn't be there because he is shouting what he says.
Overall, I love the idea! Just a few tweaks and this could make a awesome piece!
Rock out! I'll see you later!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
SunsetSprite In reply to DamaiMikaz [2014-01-14 12:35:03 +0000 UTC]
That is very true. English tends to get writing either to flowery and frilly or dull and grey. Which is why I really want to learn another language and see what it's like compared to English things.
You're welcome by the way!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
SoNotCoolDude [2013-05-03 23:49:02 +0000 UTC]
Damn, I feel the original story would be much better. I am not sure if it's the translator fault but there were some points that left question marks in my head like "when she opened her eyes, the room was filled with a bright blue light"(III) and "My powers had remained"(IV). The story had a real feeling of desperation to it and the mentioned points made it sound like a science fiction story, which threw the momentum off. So I was a bit uhh ok.
That said, I think this was pretty well written! There's room for improvement, particularly in choosing the appropriate verb to illustrate the image you wish to portray. E.g. Sunlight streamed through the iron bars(V) compared to Sunlight crept through the iron bars. Same action but different effect.
All the best!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
TyrantosaurusDREAD [2013-05-03 19:43:53 +0000 UTC]
Wow..This..Undescribeable.
Will there be more?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
DamaiMikaz In reply to TyrantosaurusDREAD [2013-05-03 19:50:16 +0000 UTC]
Yes, there's a lot more.
It's based on a novel that's over 1000 pages long
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Devil-of-the-Moon [2013-05-03 17:53:32 +0000 UTC]
o wow it's amazing. Love the story! keep up this great work!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1