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DearPoetry β Heroine
Published: 2012-11-18 02:48:51 +0000 UTC; Views: 3681; Favourites: 202; Downloads: 58
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Description
Sometimes,she tries to fall into the night,
tipping her strawberry heart
like a tea bag into hot waters-
always scolding herself
kissing ocean beds.
Her hips, tides rolling
towards the antagonists
of myths & legends.
But,
with a thousand leagues
of sea behind her eyes,
she will always save herself.
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Comments: 39
As much as I love this, I can't help but wonder if you could have meant 'dipping' instead of 'tipping'.
I can see how tipping could go there. I just couldn't help but think dipping could maybe fit too.
I guess it comes down to how you want it to feel. For me, tipping is like we're staying at the edge, never quite submerged. But with dipping, I think, we've completely went under the surface even if it was only for a few seconds.
But... that's just how I feel...
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I really love the imagery in this poem. I agree that the second stanza seems a little weaker than the first (as another commenter mentioned), but I do like the second stanza and what you tried to accomplish with it.
"Her hips, tides rolling / towards the antagonists / of myths & legends" is interesting because it made me think of sexuality and how intimate an invitation that would be for those antagonists, like she needs a reason to protect herself or something to fight against if she wants to make herself stronger. On a side note I feel like the ampersand looks a little awkward. I'm not in the practice of using it myself unless it's in a title, but that's just my personal opinion.
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There's some really gorgeous imagery in these words, especially the strawberry heart tipping like a tea bag. I really enjoyed reading this one, but I did find a few small things that drew me out of it.
The biggest 'issue' for me was the use of scolding after the hot waters makes me wonder if you really meant "scalding". Both words could be right, depending on what you intended for that section, but because context suggests "scalding" would be more appropriate, "scolding" detracts from the overall power.
In your second stanza, I found the extra line space between each line quite distracting - it felt like each should be its own stanza, but that really interrupts the flow. I'm even wondering whether the piece might be more powerful without the stanza at all - it doesn't have as much 'zing' as the first stanza did and although it does pull the poem further in line with the title, I think the title itself gives the first stanza direction.
Another one, which may just be a personal thing, is the use of the capital 's' in 'She' after 'Sometimes,'.
All that said, I did really enjoy reading this one. Your word choice suggests a good instinct for turning mere words into beauty and power.
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Thank you for this.
I meant 'scolding', as a play on words, and as a way of saying she asks herself, "Why do I do this every time--there is something wrong with me."
As for the second stanza, I wanted the font smaller, but when using sub text font, it spaces the lines, unfortunately.
I fixed that annoying S, thanks for pointing it out to me.
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You're welcome.
Fair enough re scolding, that makes sense as well, definitely.
How annoying re the subtext font! Could you use the point size to change the font instead, maybe? Just throwing ideas out there - I'm not sure what you can/can't do on DA yet in terms of formatting!
Glad to hear about that S fix. 
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This is lovely, I like the description of her heart very much.
Just wondering, did you mean to write "scalding" instead of "scolding"?
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Nope, I meant scolding.
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Haha, okay then
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I thought that the title said Heroin... Make sense. XD
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This...is beautiful (: You manage to pack such awesome imagery into your poetry. It's very different than the things that I write, or the things I generally like in poetry. I love spoken word, which focuses more on...well...the words. But I love your poetry because it has such awesome, metaphorical images that come along with it, and I can never quite figure them out.
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I love spoken word as well. Mine just has all these images you have to piece together like a puzzle.
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Which is awesome. I can't do that... haha. Mine are always more narrative.
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wow did you write it by yourself QAQ then its really awesome
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Has beautiful imagery and a nice flow to the words. Very well done
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This is no Cinderella, and I like that.
Beautiful use of words and metaphor. That is the first time I've heard hearts compared to tea bags, though. It's not a bad thing, cause I like it.
P.S.-Granted, the sequel did make Cindy more active, but that came MUCH later.
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Cinderella was a pushover. I'd have never let anyone treat me like dirt, family or not.
Anyway, thank you!
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Beautiful emotion here and beautiful writing
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Much easier to save the world than yourself.
Beuatifully written, true and to the point.
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I think we all do. I've always striven to not let anyone else save me. Other people will always fail you.
It's really hard... to make sure you don't set yourself up for failure by placing expectations on people to be perfect.
You will be your heroine someday. <3
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I agree.
And I do try, I do.
I find it easier to 'save' everyone else,
even though half the time I don't believe I am understood.
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I'm the same. Everyone else has more worth than me. Funny how that works, isn't it? Someone else could do something I would deem unforgivable if I had committed and I would be nothing but graciously forgiving...
People are some kinda fucked up.
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Absolutely beautiful. I very much wish I could be the Heroin in circumstances, but most often my actions are miss read and I come out the fool.
Amazing job!
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I have to say I'm the same way.
I never censor myself, or watch what I say.
It gets me into more trouble then it is worth,
half the time.
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I'm the same, except I also act out too soon, or to forcefully, and people think I am hateful or cruel, instead of seeing that I am trying to defend myself or someone I care about
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Yep. Understand completely.
I get called cold hearted all the time.
I just call it having a backbone.
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I call it being protective. A lioness, my closest friends call it.
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