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DearPoetry β Your Poetry Sucks.
Published: 2012-06-04 00:39:16 +0000 UTC; Views: 17566; Favourites: 864; Downloads: 128
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Description
Poetic verse does not sleep contently within your bones.You are not made of Shakespearean sonnets.
Metaphors do not cling to your teeth like snowdrops,
and similes do not lurk like assassins behind those false psychic eyes.
Your veins bleed nothing but red.
And your whispers,
they will never leave galaxies
along the length of spines.
So, Dear Heart,
you can take your stars,
your full moon romances,
the many, desperate love letters,
the gag-worthy cliches-
and eat them.
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Comments: 426
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As a general undermining of poetic conventions, I was able to appreciate the form of your work (very much inconsistent). In particular, I like the almost abrupt brevity of the final line, stripping away the ideals of poetry and reducing them to such a physical act as eating.
Your imagery, I felt, was a little mixed in its effectiveness. The idea of 'your veins bleed nothing but red' is very striking, and again reduces the venerated poet to something very physical. However, others are less powerful- similes like assassins? Psychic eyes? Metaphors like snowdrops? These feel, I'm afraid, quite arbitrary and even over the top. Even if you were to argue that this is simply mocking the poetry guilty of such devices, the point still stands that it exaggerates a lot.
All the same, decent work, with some interesting ideas.
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As a poet myself, I saw the title and thought I would be offended but instead I say "Bravo"
Your technique is very impressive and it has a strong impact (although maybe not all good, even though you specified that it was not to be taken offensively) I especially liked the change in mood as the poem went on, from jovial to quite dark.
Also there is a real sense of anger, growing towards the end and very prominent in the last line.
However, as you got the idea off Tumblr, I can`t give you high originality marks but still!
A brilliant piece in my opinion.
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It was a prompt. People write for prompts all the time. lol But anyway, I had to clarify it wasn't really toward anyone because people were really getting upset, which wasn't my intention at all.
Thank you for the critique.
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Some people can be over-sensitive.
Happy to.
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I will be critiquing this piece on behalf ofa.deviantart.net/avatars/s/u/s⦠" alt=" " title="SuperWritersHelp"/>
Firstly, I do remember reading this when it was first submitted to one of the groups I am a member of - the title intrigued me. That being said, the fact that I remember it speaks volumes about the impact of the poem.
Now, the crit:e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b⦠" width="10" height="10" alt="
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I like how, in the first section, you seem to have taken the traditional clichΓ©s and turned them around to 'attack' the poet writing them.
The 'metaphors' and 'similes' lines should be together without a space as they technically form one sentence.
You seem to change style half-way through, where you then go on to writing ST's and not single-sentence lines.
By the time you get to the 'dear heart' ST, your tone has changed as well. It was an almost jocular tone, but that final ST it turns to a very 'dark' and 'moody' tone, as if you are now heaping a load of blame and anger onto the poet to which you speak.
I'm not sure that I like this tone change. I would have preferred it to be jocular the entire way through, as many of these types of poems are not. That would have been your mark of originality, I think. If you could keep it light, it would serve you better.
I think that this could be introspective, except for the final bit where it becomes harsher. It's been said that one is one's own worst critic, but I doubt that anyone would be so negative towards oneself that they tell themself to literally eat their words (another clichΓ©, may I add).
Good Points
Grammar
Punctuation
Spelling
The idea behind this
Points to Work on
Tone change (unless this was intentional)
ClichΓ©s
Jo
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The cliches were intentional.
As was tone.
But thank you very much for this.
One of the nicer critiques I've gotten on this.
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Glad you thought so.
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This, could be considered a little offensive, but the title does indeed engage poets and drag them in to read it, some people would most likely write it to themselves, an artist being their own worst critic, but you decided to say yours is above everyone else's? So let's test that, shall we?
There is no technique here, you seperated it line by line and then put a haiku in the middle of a poem, before continuing again in a poetry format. But as it's free verse, I won't penalise you for this.
I like the figuarative language though in the first, it's like a wake-up call to all the people that deign to use clichΓ©s and say that they bleed ink etc.
I would've given you quite a high originality rating, thinking not many artists would either have the balls to do this, or bother with trying to tick off half a website. This is basically one huge Trollface and it'd be original at five stars, until I read your description. You copied the idea off other people off tumblr, so it's unoriginal. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s⦠" width="19" height="19" alt="
So, the impact, let's move onto here, shall we? The first is like a wake-up call, and therefore if it's a poet reading it, then a few very eccentric ones, would have it impact heavily, so I'll give you an okay mark to start with the first stanza, let's say two stars for that.
Then the rest, the haiku and the last stanza along with the last line, creates a heavy impact on any writer, even if they are not a hugely eccentric poet. So I'm giving you a high impact, but only off the point of view of who you're directing the writing at, personally, I would've given it three from my own point of view.
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It's not directed at every poet.
It's about a breakup.
"Poets shouldn't date one another."
^--In my artist comments.
What do you call people who enter a contest using the same prompt?
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Sheep?
And ah, sorry then.
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I felt that the writing was a tad pretentious at first, but the change of tone and ironic cliches are funny. I like the abrupt ending - it gets your point across nicely.
I wasn't overly impressed by most of the poem. It's well-written, but not spectacular, although I think the second (sixth?) stanza, "And [...] spines" created some really beautiful imagery.
Vision: This didn't give me any real insight to the topic, so I gave it an average rating.
Originality: Again, not a terribly new topic, but the execution was creative.
Technique: The first half was lackluster. The second half was a lot better, technique-wise.
Impact: The message itself didn't make much of an impact but the ending was well-done.
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My critique can be found in the comments, as I am new to this site and posted it there by accident, and my rating is based on the assumption that my interpretation of the poem is correct.
(And I should note that a rating of 3/5 for impact is very high in my opinion. A 4 would have been to comment on the world; human behavior, religion, society, philosophy, et cetera in a profound or intelligent way. A 5 would have been to actually change the way I feel about the world in some way.)
All in all, a very good poem!
Thank you for sharing with us.
-Ryan
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Much of my criticism of this poem stems from issues of word choice. There is, of course, something inherently subjective about how words strike and individual, but I will endeavor to explain accordingly.
I have a feeling that you were writing this as it came to you. That, in itself, might sound like an odd statement, but hear me out.
The schism in form between the primary body of the poem, the first five lines, and the sixth stanza can have justifications that I could speculate on, but none of them add to the impact of the piece, nor positively impact its flow. You would be better suited, I would say, to find a form-shape even in free verse that you find pleasing to the eye at worst, and supportive of your intentions at best. If you were going for a poem that felt like an organic conversation, long-line might be a strong choice, however, that is for you to determine. The danger is that in trying to capture a spontaneous poem, to capture that spark, you will almost always wind up with a product that suffers from feeling unfinished as this one does.
I won't venture to guess that you meant 'jump on the bandwagon' to mean that the idea inspired you; the language seems forced and manufactured. You do have some words that I find well-chosen: snowdrows, length of spines. Unfortunately, the rest of them do not possess the same cold clarity. "Lurk like assassins" is the most annoying, to me, because the decision to pair lurk and assassins together is so comparatively uninspired. Furthermore, the sixth stanza is awkwardly worded. If it's touched up, it would also be a much, much better place to stop than your final stanza.
As a technical note, try not to overemphasize: leaving that final line separate would have been enough. In fact, not even that emphasis was necessary: the entire stanza would be stronger if it was left intact and without the italics. The tone of the poem would have properly communicated the emphasis on 'eat.'
I've put two stars in vision and impact because to me, and I'm sure you would agree, this is not a new idea, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just a fact. However, you might find your vision to be more unique with some more time with this piece.
Originality is nipped in the bud slightly for the same reason as impact was: the language does not pack the appropriate punch. Technique follows suit here as well.
I hope you understand that this was all meant to be constructive, and I would quite enjoy a chance to chat with you about your process, perhaps. Do not feel alienated or attacked (even if that is our natural tendency when critiqued!). My critique can be summarized thus:
You have a groundwork, but you've polishing to do, poet.
Say hello should you ever want to talk craft, and thank you for reading.
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I quite like my word choice, but I agree with you about the formatting. It was an experiment. I was trying to write ( at least the beginning ) as if I were speaking. I've occasionally done an open mic night, and was trying something new. Thank you for your honest critique. I honestly had no idea this would get on the front page. I myself don't even think it's worthy.
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Perhaps you might list it under spoken word, then? Another writer and I were discussing it after I critiqued it. You would have a stunningly powerful piece if it was just the stanza about whispers in the form it is. That is absolutely the heart and soul of this piece. It has your best word choice and is far stronger than anything else.
If I'd read this with even the same title and it was just those three lines, I might have gotten the chills. You've got the pieces there! Just time to revise. I urge you to revisit the piece after a short reprieve and see where it takes you.
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I will revise, I always do.
But my I inquire where my piece was discussed?
I'd like to read it, if you don't mind.
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It was a vocal discussion, unfortunately. I'll prod the other writer to submit a critique if he has time.
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I was intrigued by the title as it appeared in the recent deviations as i logged in. Curiously i clicked on the thumbnail, expecting some profane nonsense from a schoolboy. Boy, was i glad i did look.
The structure at first, to me, was a little disjointed, just random statements. Then i started to feel pity from the writer, then disdain, and finally brutal dismissal in one of the most humourous endings i have read in a long time.
I found that by reading it aloud, adding my own feelings to the rhythm of the words was a real joy - it seemed to work so well.
The poem's subject is presented with similies and metaphors in the very lines that say these are lacking - very well thought out.
Just as the rhythm starts to flow, it is abruptly and harshly ended by the final line - superb stuff.
I hope i can write something this well one day, you have absolutely captured the essence of your subject - very well done!!!!
I markd the originality down half a mark, not because the approach was at all unoriginal, but because you yourself stated that you were jumping on the bandwagon - i felt a little rotten marking this one down, because i enjoyed this work so much - but i am also trying to remain objective and unbiased - so in spirit i give you the extra half mark here e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s⦠" width="15" height="15" alt="
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Thank you very much - you had already made my night, when i read this
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Late last night some popular tumblr writer was complaining about how their old poetry could not compare to the new. Somehow it got twisted into a theme of 'Your Poetry Sucks'. It was quite popular, and I understand completely why you marked it down. All in all, I thank you for this critique--it's made my night!
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I think it's so original...and the title was a bit misleading, isn't it? When most people see 'Your Poetry Sucks,' they probably think you mean to insult someone else about their poetry - but you insulted your own. I love self-deprecation! I also love how you not only bash your heart, you bash the cliche romanticism that's almost become a worn-out stereotype for poetry (when it isn't a mass of self-loathing and despair for the pitiful world we live in, that is).
I really like the line 'and similes do not lurk like assassins behind those false psychic eyes'. Maybe because you used a simile, and compared them to assassins. But what really got me was the end:
'So, Dear Heart/you can take...the gag worthy cliches -/and eat them.' However, there should've been a hyphen at 'gag-worthy', but other than that....
Brilliant sir (ma'am?), just brilliant!
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Thanks for this, and I am a girl.
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I think it wise to mention that I love your take on this idea. I've seen many poems tackling the same point and they lack originality in such a terrible way. Your poem however, seems to have a life of it's own. I could almost hear the speaker of the poem seething in my ears as they told their take on the issue. They seemed to have such human emotion that was very, very true and relateable. You have a magnificent poem here!
What I found very interesting about your poem was its structuring. You made a very interesting choice in breaking apart the stanzas the way you did. It gave the effect of the poem creeping up, just to attack and make its point. It was fabulously powerful!
Keep writing. You have an amazingly personal take on things and I truly believe this deserves the five stars I'm giving it.
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Thank you, I'm truly humbled by this!
As for my structure, I wrote it as if I were speaking. As if I were preforming an open mic. It's quite different from how I usually go about writing.
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Do you open mic or was it just a style you chose?
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I've only done one open mic.
I still need a lot of practice. lol
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I do, too. Haha. It's a hard thing to do. I've only done two REALLY amature ones. Like, I don't even know if I can call them open mics.
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I was so nervous when I did my first one! OMG--it was bad.
But I've been practicing a lot, reading to my friends and the occasional family member who actually gets me. I believe it's helped a lot.
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In my mind, this starts out feeling like someone struggling to write poetry - unable to write to please herself. As it goes on, its flow sinks in and the cleverness eases itself into my mind.
The sudden soft sensuality of the galaxies along the spine transform the flow to the "author" talking to someone else. At that point, the understanding crept in.
So by the time the final phrase comes along, it's a slap in the face. Just as intended.
I'd say the author tells the story beautifully, artfully. I'm glad I took the time to read it. Well done.
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Exactly what I intended. Thank you so much!
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Well done. I loved it. I was shocked, and slapped, and laughed. Perfect.
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I am absolutely in love with the structure and the shift of this poem. From start to finish, it was artistically crafted and a joy to read.
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Ha! Boy do i know how that feels. Nice to know i'm not alone in my thinking. Great job!
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You may think it's bad
but you forget one small thing.
We're all having fun
at the expense of
one who knows how get laughs
Out of anyone.
So there is no need to use foul language you over-sensitive prick.
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Who the FUCK wants SNOW DROPS stuck to their GOD DAMNED TEETH you FUCKING IDIOT
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Please check out my page, I'm new and it would be really cool for you guys to give me some feedback
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lol, I love this!
I write poetry myself, just to get it out of my system. it's not that great, but my sister says it's good, so it can't be terrible.
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It reminds me of a Emilie Autumn song called I Know Where You Sleep, where in the end of it says:
"I'm wishing you
the best of luck
and by the way
your poetry sucks"
Do you know it?
I soooo get the lyrics and so get your poem <3 its really powefull and I loved it!
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This is an awesome and wonderful poem! ...And it disappoints me that the line "metaphors do not cling to your teeth like snowdrops" is a simile, not a metaphor. Because I'm nitpicky like that x3
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I especially liked the first few verses being without a clear rhythm - like someone who isn't experienced in writing poetry. Later on, you introduce us to a very clear rhythm we barely notice - until we read the last stanza and notice again the lack of rhythm when you tell the addressee he/she is no good.
Very well done!
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Yaaaa... Well, like, I think, like, you should use the words "bleed", "black", "heart", "stab", "alone", "in a dark room", "worthlessness", "abyss", and "pain" more often. Β Because haven't you read any poetry lately? Β It's the new trend. Β I'd also suggest to space your poems out across, like, the page. Β It can be arbitrary, but, like, it will just look cool. Β Then you will be a real poet, so as long as you don't revise or second guess your initial spew.
Best of luck to you in becoming a good, like, writer.
-R.B. Evans
oh. p.s. like, don't use such big words, like, Shakespearean and metaphor. Β It's just confusing.
and like. p.s.s. I think you spelt "smiles" wrong on the fourth line thingy.Β
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that was really great, i liked it a lot
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Brilliant. Awesomely impact-full Β ending, i'd would be awesome if you did more like this!
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I love your work. You are a Β beautiful writer. Your words paint pictures and suck me into your poetic universe. I spent a whole day going through your work. It's amazing.Β
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