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deckhandnagogo — where are you
Published: 2011-05-03 14:37:43 +0000 UTC; Views: 603; Favourites: 18; Downloads: 5
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I don’t know.I can’t really use finals week as an excuse because I’m not too concerned over them, save for English and politics, and I should be ecstatic that summer is just around the corner. On Friday.
It’s just…I feel so…bleh. I try not to make it seem that way, but last night while laying in bed I just spent some time thinking and I couldn’t sleep and everything bubbled to the surface like after you shake a soda can, except I don’t drink soda so that’s not a very good analogy.
I have practically everything I could possibly want in my life right now: a supportive family and network of friends who love and care about me, as of this week a new job for the summer, good health, several material possessions folks my age would kill to have such as a car and money, and to top it all off, I’m going to attend one of the best universities in the country next fall.
I am quite satisfied with who I am, yet…there’s nobody to share my happiness with.
Now, I’m not talking about being lonely from the standpoint that I feel like I have no one to talk to. I have plenty of friends, both IRL and on here, and I cherish them all very much. I’m talking about a Mr. Right.
I want one of those more than anything in this world right now.
I want somebody to walk down the street with, hand-in-hand, somebody to eat homestyle pancakes with at some obscure 1950s style diner downtown, somebody to lay with in the grass on one of those crisp Texas November nights and just marvel at how big the universe is and how small and insignificant we are, and then he’ll lean over and brush my hair back and kiss me. I’m not completely sure what my reaction would be seeing as I’m nearly 20 and have never been kissed (is there seriously a science to making out? god I don’t even know) but it’s the fact of the matter that counts. I want him to tell me that he appreciates and loves me for who I am and everything that I do and when I find that person, I want to give them my heart and tell them how much I feel the same.
I’ve given good-natured advice to other people that maybe I had no right to say. I’ve said that love is a waiting game and that they just have to be patient and wait for that special someone to come along. I’ve also said that people can take an active approach and put themselves in a position where they are likely to bump into “that one guy/girl”. This year, I could not seek someone out as I did not want anything or anyone to stand in my way of transferring from this university, but as for the first point, I’ve been following my word and my patience is wearing thin…truthfully, this has been eating at me for quite a while.
Next year in Austin, I’ll be surrounded by people like me, so finding opportunities won’t be difficult. That city hosts a slew of creative individuals and I won’t have to look too hard. Demeanor and organization are necessities, looks are bonus points (aaaa so stereotypical female, I know). Hopefully it is here that I will find the man I’ve been yearning for.
I know some of you reading this may be in a similar predicament, may already have a boyfriend/girlfriend, or may not care much for love at all, in which case I apologize for bringing this topic up. I don’t know what’s gotten into me or why I suddenly felt the need to type this up in the middle of the night, but I literally could not sleep last night until I had all of this down. Thank you so much for bearing with me. ;;
What am I even saying? I can get through this. I’ve endured far worse than heartache, if I can even call it that. I probably shouldn’t even be ranting like this because there are others out there in this world that have very little, if any, of what I have and I should just be grateful I’m living content. I’m genuinely happy for my friends who have found love too, it’s just…I’d like to be able to do what they do, to experience what they experience. I give so, so much in my life to others and I feel like I should be rewarded in some way with a guy who shares the same mentality.
Holy shit I could totally use some chocolate right now.
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Comments: 36
((I would write a whole paragraph about this, but I decided to get to the point.
The time will come soon. It'll be hard to wait, but it's best to really want it so it becomes rewarding when you do get it. Knowing you, however little I know, I'm sure you'll find someone wonderful.
Don't give up, whatever you do. You've come too far to stop now.))
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((Aw, Swizz... I know the feeling. It feels terrible. I wish I could help you out with all this, but like ~HootHootMeow said, I guess you'll just have to wait it out? I believe that everyone on earth has a special someone for them.
As for me, I'm pretty much done with relationships, lol... I wish love went the way you described it though. That would be bliss. ;___; <333 ))
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((Thank you Neko. ;; I'm glad I can take people up on that offer when I feel bad, though normally I just draw/write like I did here to let my feelings out.
Wellll, love can go like that, but it can also escalate into things very much unpleasant which is why one has to be careful. :< Hearts are fragile. ))
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((
I don't think that's the kind of chocolate you're looking for, is it? Never mind that, haha.
I'm sure you'll find that special someone sometime, Swizz. And yeah, a lot of people in the world (including myself... :c) are looking for Mr. or Ms. Right, and I'm pretty sure that a great person like you'll find him soon. I know it.
I suck in the advice-giving department, but hey, it's the thought that counts, right?
You're a remarkable person, Swizz. How you give your time and life to other people other than your own is truly great, which only leads me to say once again that I know you'll be okay with finding him.
Also sorry for being fashionably late. >_>))
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((That chocolate is just as good. C:
Thank you for your kind thoughts, Naoto. Really, I can't believe I thought I was the only one around here who felt this way...I'm so glad I'm not though.
Best of luck to the both of us. 
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((*gives you some chocolate*
sfkljsd I somewhat know how ya feel *except for me, it's a best friend not uh...significant other*
It sounds like you give good advice to other people, and you're following some of that advice on your own, so I guess keep on doing what you're doing. You're a great person, Swizz, and I'm sure you'll find "that" person soon!
by the way...very clean picture here <3))
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((It's definitely possible to feel the same searching for that one "best friend" who you can confide your trust in above everyone else. I have at some points, but now I realize I've found those people and I treasure their friendships.
We'll get through this!))
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(By the way, I LOVE this deviation. Simple but very expressive. <3
Poor little Nago. He needs him a lass right quick!
... And maybe some rum. :< )
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( CRAP I wish I'd seen this sooner ;;
You're a generous and worthy person of a person like that, Swizz. The pain of everyday emptiness can be overwhelming, and it penetrates REALLY harshly, even when it's subtle. Love is like that for some reason, but I think it's because the rewards are so... indescribable. It more than pays off for the time you have to wait. I know it doesn't help, but... just think that the longer you wait, in just the same way the rewards will overwhelm you and you won't know what to do with it.
Stop being sorry and apologetic! Geez. Have you seen how much I complain/have complained about stuff more trivial than this? Jeez. -patpat- It's alright to talk about these things. As you have seen already, plenty of people around you support you and your journey.
In general I will be rooting for you, Swizz. It'll be tough but I know you can get through it, especially with the personality and support you have. I can't help but tell you that I'm really sorry you're feeling lost and drifting through this world without someone you can share yourself with... I promise you'll find them one day, though. I'm sure for you it'll be soon. You're a very caring, understanding, and intelligent young lady. It can't be long before a wonderful someone finds out about you. c:>
-hug- )
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((I think it cuts a little deeper because I'm aware I've been truly on my own for the first time in my life to fend for myself, so having nobody here in terms of family for comfort is kind of painful...but I won't have much longer until I can talk with them about it. I know I've brought the subject up to them before, but we didn't really talk as in-depth as I mentioned here. It was just a casual "I want a boyfriend" conversation.
It helps hearing these things from somebody who is in a relationship already because you are here as proof that, yes, love is not so difficult to find. Thank you. I just...gotta keep hanging on I guess.))
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Aww, Swizz... :c
Lemme tell you... believe it or not, this is pretty much exactly how I've been feeling lately. I dunno if you've seen my latest journal but when I mentioned feeling lonely... this is pretty much what I was getting at, but that's just not something I want the whole world to know about or anything... there's quite a story behind it, but, again, that's not for deviantART to see. But you're definitely not alone in being lovesick, in being tired of waiting for that one special person to come into your life and make it complete. It's downright frustrating at times, isn't it?
Love really is a tricky thing... you never know for sure if you've found that special someone or not. And sometimes when you think you have, and everything seems perfect and for once life makes sense, it turns out all you've done is made a mistake... but I do believe there's somebody out there for everyone. And let me tell you something else - whoever your special someone is, he'll be a very lucky guy. I regret never getting to know you better, but I do know you're an amazing person who's smart, creative, passionate, hard-working, with a great personality, and is clearly willing to completely devote herself to someone and not disappoint them. So don't you get disappointed either, keep your chin up. It sounds like college at Austin will be a great opportunity to get to know like-minded people... and while I honestly don't have much advice myself on how to get to know people and get close to them, I definitely know it's possible for you.
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((Ohh yes, I saw your journal Heffy. That's pretty much my story. Classes are easy, the year's almost over, etc. I would have posted but there's not much for me to talk about other than how bad my politics class sucks. X(
Looking at other people I know, it’s not so atypical for college students to feel lost. College is a time to find yourself and find other people along the way. My mother and father met in college and it makes me hopeful that I might follow the same path. I would very much like to. Hell, I am even planning to study abroad.
I understand it can be difficult for "shy" people to establish relationships, be them friendly or loving. I used to be like that a while back too until I got my first job working at a hotel and I was constantly dealing with people on a regular basis. It was difficult to come out of my shell at first, but I am so glad to have had the opportunity to experience customer service and my time at the Great Wolf Lodge really changed me as a person and eventually will help me in becoming a teacher. Finding a summer job like that to throw you into a "customer service" setting may seem like a death sentence now, but I can guarantee you, if you find a job like that, it will help you open up. Maybe you should start small: work with children. They are the most innocent and least judgmental people in this world and they will love you if you can establish a connection with them; that should be no problem seeing as you love cartooning and, well, kids love cartoons. I can see you working at one of those art camps as a counselor.
It’s good to know that I’m not alone in this, and you are certainly not alone either.
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[ Not to be a total downer... But... Love is highly over rated. I know, personally. While I wont go into details, I'll say this. You were EXTREMELY generous in describing what happens between to lovers. :/ ]
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((I think people want to be in love to experience the feelings that go along with it. I've been in love before and there is no other emotion quite like it, but on the same token, I have also been heartbroken.
I guess you could say what I was describing were silly little fantasies of mine. They are things I did not get to do when I was in a relationship and the concept of "quality time together" is more of what I treasure in somebody. Are they realistic? Who knows.
People can be mean and ugly and nasty to each other and I've seen that happen to several of my IRL friends. But, for every wicked person out there, I'd like to think there is someone out there who really cares, someone who treats their significant other with the utmost respect and kindness that they deserve. That is the person I am looking for.))
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[ I understand what you mean. You're always looking out for others and that's going to be rewarded some way or another in the future. Whilst it may take some time, some guy out there is going to make a very lucky discovery. 
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I know exactly how you feel, Swiz. (Even if I am only 14 haha, but still.) To want to have someone to be there for you and to be there for them, to share experiences with them and to share the lovely feeling you give each other... it's really what majority of people want, that happiness that makes you feel whole and complete. But Swiz, I don't think you'll have to try hard at all to find someone right for you. You're an all around awesome person, and everyone thinks that, at least from my perspective. Don't let it get to you that you haven't found someone yet, I'm sure it'll be soon.
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((Thank you so much Natsu ;A; It really means a lot to me seeing someone your age talk in such a way because there aren't enough people as mature as you are. If the wait is worth it in the end, then I'm willing to ride it out longer just to see the final result.))
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It's no problem, really; everyone deserves to have someone to hold, someone to love. I'm... kind of in the same situation (so it's really just speaking from the heart/what I feel)? Sort of, only it's I already have a 'crush', you could say, on someone... so I'm willing to wait and try to become better friends with them and then maybe... something more.
BUT yes, it will be good in the long run for you, so just keep on truckin' and I'm sure eventually you'll find him.
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(Aww! I know how it feels. Unfortunately I ended up with a sociopath who broke up with me over my Xbox breaking down of all things. I still haven't recovered from it... I like to think of it as somewhere that mr right is there waiting for someone like you.
As the others said. You are such a likeable person and maybe someone nearby can see that. If it makes you feel better. I'm 20 and haven't been kissed yet.
God i'm not giving advice aren't I? Haha ^_^;
But I really do wish you good luck.)
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((The worst thing besides not having a lover is having one that is a complete and total betch and I am very sorry that happened to you.
Hopefully in time we'll both find someone new; in your case, somebody that doesn't just want what you own but who wants you for who you are. :'] ))
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((Aww thank you. As I said i'm mostly over it and ready to jump back in the sea. But that doesn't mean the scars are still there...
And I will be cheering on for you ^ ^ I wish you find that someone~))
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gah... I had like a long-ish comment response for this, but I felt embarrassed so I deleted it...
in short there was a related(I guess??) issue that I can identify with but it's kind of more "I want kids but not a mr. right" predicament s:
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((Don't worry Chi, it was the thought that counted. <333
I guess if you want kids but not have to deal with someone, adoption is always an option...but that comes with its own slew of problems too, the biggest being how costly it is.))
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Please excuse the extra 'like' I put in the first comment. It should been 'I'd like' instead.
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I get what you're saying. I like like to get a guy too.
I hate that friday song unless Colbert singing it or it's the brock's dub version.
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((Let us wait together then. It's better knowing I'm definitely not alone.))
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((Awwww, it's alright Swizz~ ow`o You'll find someone, you have a great personality so there is someone out there for you~ 
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((
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((Awww, ya welcome honey~ 
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N'aw, Swizz..
I remember getting advice from you about relationships as well. And now that same guy I came to talk to you about is my boyfriend and the guy I'm hopefully spending the rest of my life with.
I wish I could help you or something, but I don't think there's really a way for me to do that nor would it be the right thing to do.
All I can say.. Is to wait it out I guess. That's really all anyone can say, isn't it?
I know you're going to find someone though. With all of your wonderful personality, your attitude, and just over all how much of an awesome person you are, there's no way you can't, Swizz! I'm sure he'll come to you, I know he will.
Hopefully within the next year, I'll be sending my best wishes to you, buddy. <:3
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Baww... look at you, Mugen. You're being so sweet and supportive of your friend. And you're taking time to talk about ME too... Things like this make my heart soar into the clouds and go postal and feel all goofy and achy and stuff.
This deviation has reminded me of something...
I remember feeling the same way Swizz is. To be quite honest lately I've moved a bit back to this sort of feeling. We've been through a lot, yet over the past few months our communication and freedom has been extremely limited. We've been caged two cells away from one another... Able to pass an "I love you" or a doodle, but unable to hold each other or see each other other than from memory for the most part. It's like we're not even sure the other is alive. We can only hope we'll be let out soon; and that no one will catch us in the actions of our forbidden feelings...
Still, for your sake I'm doing my best every day to ignore the emptiness and slow advance of darkness and despair and fend it off with the light of hope you've given me. It's corny as Hell and never in a million years would I have thought before that I'd say such a thing. But... You've shown me that it doesn't matter. You've treated me with more kindness and care than I can imagine, and I... well, I'm not doing such a good job, but I really try for you... More than anything I wish we could be together right now, just holding each other, but I know we have to wait. We have to wait, but the rewards will be priceless investments in our lives.
... I'm... really crappy at telling you this. I'm so sorry that I can't express what I really mean when I say something as simple as, "I love you." It kills me. It aches when I think that you're alone and empty and want to hold me close. I hurt when you hurt. But Jelly... my matesprit. You're so precious to me. I'm not grateful enough. Don't get all sweet on me and tell me otherwise. I'm not grateful enough. If nothing else I don't tell you often enough or in a proper manner. I really can't tell you... I love you so much more than you can understand right now. Thank you. ... Thank you so much, my darling. For being who you are, for being with me... For promising me you'll be there always. I return the same to you, without hesitation. Always and forever, my love. I love you, Astrid. -kiss- Keep being who you are until the end of time. <3
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Fuck dammit you went and wrote out a whole damn novel over my silly comment, lmao.
What the fuck yo :V -jk-
I remember feeling that way, too, especially after having to give you up that first time.
I really appreciate that you wrote out all of this, dear. I know you told me not to be all "omg but you are" but shit like this just makes me believe that more strongly. :C
I realize that we're both rather held back, and we can't express our feelings properly, but I do know that you feel more than you can say. I understand that, love, and I'm the same way yanno.
'I love you' is a simple expression, one of the few we have right now, but I know that there is so much more behind it for us. I don't want you to worry about not being able to express it freely because I know how you feel, Tommy, and I know that we're limited.
And instead of usually going off on how I'm not any of those things for you, I'm just going to say that you're welcome because I know you'll simply argue to the end of time about it. <:3 And thank you, too, love, for being who you are and treating me like you do.
I know you think you're not grateful enough, and that you don't make me feel as special as I should, but trust me, babe, you really do. All I can think when we're apart is 'I'm so lucky' or 'I can't believe we actually have each other'.
I've never been so happy, and you know that deep down, you just don't want to admit it. ;3
I love you, too, Tommy. <3
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((Thank you Jelly ;;
You are right and I'm not sure why I just decided to crack like this when I've been going on about my life for the longest time, but all I can really do is mend that crack and keep going. Next year I'll be in more selective classes with people equally as passionate about the subject(s) too so maybe this whole thing will just fall in my lap one day.))
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<3
I'm sure it will. It will come to you one day and you'll know when its time. <:3 Though, people do things they can't explain sometimes. Feelings can erupt at any moment so its not unusual to go about suddenly feeling this way, especially at this point in your life when you have everything else you could want.
But yes, the best way to go through with it is to wait it out and keep your head up.
I'll be sending you my best, dear, and I hope everything goes well. <:3 I really should talk to you more often.
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