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diamondie — Cyborg self-portrait
Published: 2007-10-24 09:45:05 +0000 UTC; Views: 5858; Favourites: 19; Downloads: 71
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I'm not one for self-portraits really. Whenever someone takes my picture I get very self-conscious, as I'm not a photogenic person and 99% of the time the result ends up looking like crap. And just in case the particular shot ends up in the remaining 1%, I hope I have clean hair, decent clothes, no zits resembling the Eiffel tower etc.But this is a bit different one. I took it when I was having a sleep study done in the hospital in September (so don't worry, they're all just study equipment, I'm not being kept alive by that mess of wires or anything! ;-> ). I hate hospitals, they make me feel anxious and very uncomfortable. Especially this one, as it's the biggest hospital in Finland and I just can't help thinking how many people are there dying or fighting for their lives etc, not to mention seeing bald cancer patients having a smoke outside in a wheelchair, carrying into an IV drip... Also being plugged into 20+ different electrodes wasn't much fun either. So fuck photogenicity and smiles, this picture may not be pretty, but I think it conveys my feelings at the moment quite well.
Self-portrait with my Canon Powershot A300 (you don't usually take DSLRs with you in a hospital), taken with timer. This is crop from a landscape-oriented picture which was damn sharp - you can read a lot of the text on the book page. Slight color balance, contrast, unsharp mask in PSP.
EDIT: Decided to disable comments in the end because of an attack by a herd of trolls and kooks, who think that ad hominem attacks and character assassination somehow qualify as "critiques". Sorry that I have to do this just because some people cannot behave.
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Comments: 44
do you nap during the day. drink caffeine, sugared drinks or anything with red food coloring in it? at night or in the evening when do you last drink something before bed?. i have had so many sleep problems its not even funny and after evaluation my day certain changes can help. also could any of the current medication you are taking be keeping you awake? or combinations of them?
yeah you got your problems. who doesn't? i have lived with legal blindness my whole life and been bipolar nearly half my life. nothing to cure either one. i don't cry and bitch and moan about how people don't take notice to me or my less than stellar characteristics, but i don't want them to. i am not special nor are you. i do not go looking for more shit to be wrong with me. hell thats the last thing i want. i don't doubt you have some "issues" but don't cry wolf and sure as shit don't be an attention seeker, it's rather pathetic
i must agree this shouldn't be in self portraits, photojournalism or maybe even conceptual?
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No, no, no, no. I've had sleeping problems for 18 years, but thanks to my current medication/supplement regime they're actually better than they've been since I was a little kid. My current meds include LDN which makes my sleep a bit better by increasing the levels of beta endorphin secreted during the night, and melatonin which has solved the problem of not being able to fall asleep. I'm taking no stimulants or psychotropics whatsoever. Inositol helps to keep me asleep and magnesium makes me a little more relaxed. Sometimes I also take valerian if I'm having massive amounts of stress. I have written a book about this subject, so I don't need any education about sleep hygiene or things that might be making my sleeping problems worse. :-> My own doctor also happens to be a brilliant sleep researcher, so we've done detective work together trying to improve my sleep.
I agree that attention seeking does not help anyone. That's why I have steered clear of it. Instead of trying to look for things that are wrong with me, I try everything I can to make me feel better, and to get others feel better, too. It has been quite successful so far. Crying and bitching and moaning isn't really my thing - I may rant sometimes when I feel frustrated, but I try to reserve my energy for more productive things, like writing books and articles to help other people, as well as disability advocacy, awareness and activism.
I have a feeling that if I place this photo in Photojournalism or Conceptual, then someone else would complain why it isn't in Self-portraits...
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how can you write a legitimate medical book when you are not a medical doctor? someone who is not a doctor that is giving public advice, as far as medications and such (in the US) can be held legally responsible for any injury, illness or death directly related to the information and advice taken.
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By knowing more about the subject than almost any medical doctor, simple as that. :-> There are loads of medical books written by people who aren't doctors. The most popular CFS treatment book so far was written by two lay(wo)men back in 1995 or so. Of course my book will need an extensive legal disclaimer to avoid liability. My dad is an attorney and does not see it as a problem.
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"By knowing more about the subject than almost any medical doctor"
lol thoughts of grandeur, eh? i think you need to get your ego in check hon
honestly i knew you were a bit off, this is so funny it is well hilarious 
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Sorry that you have a problem with my expertise. Luckily my doctor, a professor and a well-known researcher doesn't have and is willing to learn from me. Our collaboration has produced great results. Unfortunately most doctors don't even understand the basics of neuropharmacology. It is difficult to treat something effectively without understanding it on the receptor level.
People who are well ahead of their time are often thought of as loonies, because of clueless morons who would rather stick with their mediocre ways. Projecting is a common defense mechanism used by such people - it substitutes for thinking. Unfortunately for you, defense mechanisms don't get you anywhere in the long run.
I have been evaluated by a psychiatrist and a neuropsychologist regarding my physical disability and they both agreed that there's absolutely nothing wrong with my psyche (though I must admit there must be something off, considering that I bother to reply to trolls like you instead of using the killfile - luckily I can fix that). HTH, HAND.
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Well, I've been sitting on this image and debating whether to make a formal comment, and I've decided that this image is truly worthy of an IBinsanity statement.
Let me begin by stating that I am completely objective. I reserved opinion on the illness-related drama that resulted in your de-seniorship, and I am entering into this critique as though you are a blank slate. I am offering you the same critique I would offer anyone else who submitted this to the Art > Photography > Self-Portraits section of deviantART.
When I look at this image, I see little if any emotion. There is simply too much going on to distract from the model. The wires, the junk in the background, and the fact that the focus seems to be on the left breast all take away from any impact this image could have had. The face is blank, the eyes look either dead or catatonic, and the angle between the camera and the head convey a very unartistic feel.
Composition-wise, I have little to comment, since this image has literally no formal composition. The print and coat in the background draw the eye away from a model that is awkwardly centered and the image's crop, which you claim to have decided on yourself, do absolutely nothing to make this image have artistic merit.
Even having read your comments, I get the impression that you were bored in the sleep clinic, looking for something to do, so you decided to take a picture of yourself, and I must agree with `princessmorgan that, from your comments on the piece and your replies to others' comments, this seems to be a ploy to get sympathy from a community that for the most part has already turned against you.
This image doesn't belong in the artistic portrait sections of dA. It could fit in photojournalism, to an extent, but overall this reeks of scrap. This is an image that, were I to take, would be uploaded to scraps, or else uploaded off-site and linked as a webcam or embedded in a journal.
I would hope that a member of the community as active as yourself would have the care and respect to keep deviantART an ARTISTIC site.
-Mark>
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I appreciate thorough critiques, but I disagree with pretty much everything you said. I am most definitely not looking for sympathy - why would I? If I wanted that, there would be much better ways to accomplish it. I'm much more focused on giving sympathy to others in need of it. I also find it puzzling that you state the "community has turned against me". I have no idea what you mean by that. Your accusations come off as unwarranted and distasteful ad hominem attacks.
It's interesting that you didn't realize that the whole point of the picture is the blank, dead and uncomfortable look on my face contrasted with the icky hospital equipment. Despite being a professional writer I think this picture expresses the frustration, helplessness and feeling "dead inside") associated with being severely and progressively ill with something that is still regarded as "controversial" without any good reason better than anything I could write.
About the composition, I had originally composed this into a landscape-oriented photo where I was sitting on the left. It would have been more balanced, but on the other hand it looked even more cluttered (with less focus on my face), so after a long consideration I decided to crop it like this. You're right that I should have removed my coat from the background (I couldn't have removed the print).
Unfortunately I could not affect the focus or depth of field, because I had to use the self-timer of a point and shoot camera - it would have been too risky to take a DSLR to the hospital, as there were no lockers or anything. If you think that this cannot possibly be an artistic shot because it is taken with a point and shoot camera, I again disagree with you, but I think it goes so heavily off-topic that it should be discussed in notes.
I find it offensive that you suggest I move this picture to Scraps. And by the way, I'm not an active member of this community. I stopped being active about five months ago after being lied to and abused by some of the admins.
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Funny thing is, I believe I made it perfectly clear that I would NOT be including ad hominem insults in my exposition, and the only thing that could be construed as such is my statement of the PERSONAL IMPACT the piece had on me. Which, by the way, is an essential element of good critique. So now I will go away from my critique of the concept of this piece, and onto my critique on its placement.
I feel that due to the non-existent composition of this piece, the lack of artistic merit, and the fact that no photographer would aspire to make their work look like this, preclude the labeling of this as "art photography". There are categories on dA for snapshots, as well as for Scraps, which I would like to stress are works that are not of the QUALITY expected of an artist in a community of artists.
If the idea you were going for was "a blank, dead and uncomfortable look on [your] face contrasted with the icky hospital equipment", there were a million more artistic ways you could have conveyed this. As an artist, you know this.
As a final point of rebuttal, if you weren't willing to accept critique on this piece without becoming defensive and accusing us of ad hominem insults, you had the opportunity while submitting to discourage advanced critique.
Now, on to the ad hominem insult that you really walked yourself into: If you'd been "lied to and abused" by site admins, there was a plenitude of action you could have taken. But, instead, you chose to make a fool of yourself. get de-seniored, and become one of the most controversial members of this website of all time. I was one of the VERY few active members of the community who stayed neutral on the situation, and understood your views. But now, having had interaction with you, I honestly understand the community.
In closing. Enough drama for one deviation, let's act civil like nothing happened. I had my opinion, you urinated paranoia on it, and we're both better people for having heard each others' opinions.
Nice meeting you.
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I wouldn't consider this a "portrait". Althought, technically it is... I guess, a picture of yourself. This looks more like it should be in photo journalism though. Especially since you're telling a story about it, and without the story the photo really has no point.
Artistically.. well, I get nothing out of this photo. No part of the photo really draws my eyes. None of the standard photography rules have really been applied. (except maybe a slight rule of 3, but meh). It doesn't even really convey an emotion since you look like well.. a "cyborg". An emotionless.. machine.
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You know, I have to say that I do not think that this image in any way belongs in any section of deviantART other than scraps.
This is little more than a snap shot.
It really has no place in the "art" section of deviantART.
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Well, obviously you have no idea what you're talking about, then. This is a conceptual/emotional/journalistic self-portrait and I take great offense in your claim that it is a "snapshot". Did you even read the description I wrote? Had you taken a look at the photography I submit you'd know I hold my photography to high quality standards. I shoot many thousands of photos a year and only submit a few on DA. I would never submit a self-portrait unless I thought it had clear artistic or journalistic value, or both.
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After taking a look at your gallery, I do believe that it may well be you that doesn't know what you are talking about.
This clear SNAPSHOT is nothing more than a cry for attention, and basically asking people to feel sorry for you, and to say nice things to you because you are obviously a very lonely, depressed individual.
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Wow. Thank you for the greatly unwarranted and clueless ad hominem insults. You just proved that you had no other motives for your original criticism but to attack my character. It is quite ironic (not to mention disgusting) to compare your hostile agenda against the "community support" you hypocritically express in your signature. I guess you engage in community spirit by flamebaiting random people? Your idea of "being deviant"?
I don't have much interaction with my other friends, but no, I am not particularly lonely, because I spend most of the time with my boyfriend of eight years, who is my best friend. I am not depressed at all (which all of my friends as well as the psychiatrist and neuropsychologist who have evaluated me for my disability application could tell you) - in fact I am a happy person enjoying life for the most part despite having a moment of blues from time to time. I don't want anyone to feel sorry to me, because I think I have/have had a good life as a whole despite my illness. If you had followed my journal and/or other interaction for a longer while you would be well aware of it, too. I'm not saying you should have, if you have no interest in my life, but your accusations have no basis in reality and are very childish.
You can apologize when you have grown up.
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Why would I apologize for pointing out to you the obvious??
Trust me when I say I am not alone in my opinion on this subject.
As for my community spirit, and 'being deviant', just because I have a negative opinion of you and this photograph, it doesn't mean I Have a negative view ofall of deviantART. For the most part, the people who are on here for the art, not the attention and sympathy, make a great community, great friends, and great artists. It's the people who post pathetic excuses for a 'journalistic self portrait' and refuse to accept criticism on the piece that make this place a negative experience.
If you can't handle receiving an actual artist critique on your work that says more than 'awe, poor you , wah wah wah" maybe you shouldn't post you 'art' 
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Wow. You really are nothing but a kook. Nothing you've said so far has had any substance - it's clear you just enjoy being cranky. Maybe you should post your meaningless rants on Usenet groups reserved for trolls and kooks instead of attacking random people here on DeviantART?
I'm sorry to hear you're here only for attention and sympathy, but this is not the right way for you to get the attention you so direly crave. I have won several critique contests here on DA, and your inane and childish ad hominemattacks have nothing to do with "critique". I am a professional journalist and I have actually sold photos for publication. Just because you think your opinion is superior to mine doesn't actually make it that way.
HTH, HAND, plonk.
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The sleep lab where I work is really plush but I still can't get over the feeling of all that equipment making it hard to sleep. I don't think I could fall asleep with a camera panned on me either.
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You work in a sleep lab? Sounds cool (though I guess that any hospital job isn't always so nice...)
I had no problems with the equipment, surprisingly, but the loud ticking clock in the room was really distractive. What a brilliant idea to place something noisy in a sleep lab. :-P
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Not so much a sleep lab, the entire hospital. We received an email today that they are expanding our sleep lab beyond two rooms. It's all easy except for the computer setup, each room needs a bunch of equipment to monitor and record it all, then review all the feedback. It's not my department but I'm sure I'll be helping get it all setup.
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very interesting. it remind me frida kahlo paintings.
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Thank you, that's a real compliment. :-> I even have a copy of one of her paintings on my wall ("The Bride Frightened at Seeing Life Opened"). Now if I could only paint like her...
Nowadays many suspect that Kahlo had fibromyalgia (as a result of her injuries) which is quite similar to what I have, even though I don't have nearly that much pain.
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Congratulations on being creative and interesting. That seems to be relatively rare.
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Thank you. That is really an awesome compliment.
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You're welcome. You had a very unique idea.
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Sleep is a very strange, but wonderful thing. I've heard eating healthy can have some positive effects on your sleep. I'm sure you know all about that. Hope ya feel better. 
I consider myself lucky I sleep all the way through the night, even though it takes me about an hour to fall asleep. At least.. I don't remember waking up if I do. I never even have to wake up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night or anything. I sleep like a log. The only thing that wakes me up is when the weather picks up or when an earthquake hits. I do have bad nights, though.
No being able to get to sleep is no fun.
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I like this. It's a little scary, a little honest, and has some quiet, uncomfortable power in it.
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Yeah, who wouldn't look hot in a hospital gown and loads of electrodes...
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It's My Lovely Bones, a novel whose main character is a murdered girl living in heaven. Heh. Not the kind of stuff I usually read, but it wasn't too bad (not at all religious like it might sound).
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Sleep study?
What are they studying? I am reading "DMT: The spirit molecule" right now and the author (Rick Strassman) did some sleep studies related to melatonin before he went into DMT!
Do you remember what kind of equipment they were using? Very cool stuff!
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They weren't looking for anything in particular, though I guess they were mostly interested in seeing whether I have sleep apnea or restless legs. You can't even see all the stuff in the picture, eg. I had two electrodes on both of my calves for seeing if I have restless legs or nocturnal myoclonus. A clip in my finger measured oxygen saturation (it's optical, so non-invasive). The nose and mouth things checked whether I breath through my mouth or my nose. An electrode on my throat monitored snoring. Two electrodes monitored eye movements (for REM sleep). I think the rest of the stuff on my head are EEG electrodes. The "belts" on my lungs and stomach were monitoring breathing movements (they're sensitive to stretching). Not sure if that was all, I think I counted 22 things altogether.
I don't think the stuff was all that cool, but of course the science behind it is quite fascinating. I love neurochemistry and neuropharmacology and stuff. That's what I mostly read. All the tryptamines in particular are very interesting. They are pretty much "in charge" of most of the stuff in our body. They even treat cancer with melatonin these days.
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This is a proof that you can make art at any situation or place.
I hope you will feel better soon!!
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Wow...that's a really great title for this picture (I appreciate the irony).
Wish you were around here more, but I read your last blog about the goings on of this place and I'm just sad it's driving off so many people. Maybe I'm ignorant for not getting more involved with the boards and admins, but when I got here, I could tell that it, was drama waiting to happen...so I stuck with my page and those who frequent it and try to stay away from all that. I'm sorry they got to you.
At any rate, I hope you're doing all right (though the picture says a thousand words; I love that it captures everything you try to tell us--the struggles with the doctors and the disease itself, not to mention all the hassles with getting money and trying to make a living for yourself).
Keep posting, even if it's just so often. I look forward to it.
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Thanks. :-> I'm doing fairly alright and just got a new med to try as well. But I'm a bit pissed off about a study I underwent on Monday - the nurse used so much force on attaching the electrodes on my head that the skin behind my ears feels like sandpaper and I have a nasty mark on my forehead that makes me look like I've been mugged... I'm afraid it might even leave a scar. Hell, I've had to endure quite a bit of violence in my life and it has never left any signs like that. I'm going to make a complaint about that, but I doubt that nothing will come out of it. I don't really have the energy to sue them or anything, and Finland is not a court trial wonderland like the U.S. anyway (which is a pretty good thing all in all).
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This does not look like fun...no way! Still, this type of study is interesting. Sleep is a wonderful, mysterious thing and i lose a lot of it. Usually, i wake up about 6 times a night. Did you have trouble getting to sleep? What where you in there to find out? Or was it simply general info for the study?
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Yes, I did have a lot of trouble getting to sleep. According to the report it took me 1.5 hours to fall asleep, then I woke up again and stayed up for 1.5 more hours. Heh. They just wanted to see how I sleep in general, and whether I have some sleep-related pathologies that could cause day-time tiredness (they don't really understand that tiredness is not the same as fatigue... the Finnish terminology doesn't really help with that), such as restless legs, sleep apnea or snoring. I didn't have any of them. Interestingly the report the neurologist wrote about me to the public insurance provider said my sleep study was uneventful and pretty normal... I guess it's normal to stay awake three hours in the night, eh?
I've had plenty of problems with waking up at night. Nocturia (having to go to the toilet all the time) doesn't really help... I got prescribed melatonin (it's an Rx here) after the study and it knocks me out like a charm, but strangely I kept waking up all the time, even worse than usual. I added a supplement called inositol to the regime and now I finally sleep quite alright - not great, but better than ever in my life. Inositol helps a surprising number of people, I only wish I had tried it years ago.
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It might be normal to stay awake 3 hours in the night if you are tense because of a study...people looking at you....studying your responses...your sleep habits, etc. i know that i would have a HUGE amount of tension and would probably not get to sleep all night long.
i actually take Valerian sometimes. After a few days of no sleep, Valerian is a blessing. Then, if the pain is too bad, i take something for that...what ever i think i need at the lowest dosage possible. i don't really like taking pills.
i am glad that you have found something to help you.
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How the hell did you manage to sleep in that get-up.
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Hehe. I didn't sleep very well, but I think a lot of it was due to a loud ticking clock on the wall! (Who ever came up with the idea that a sleep study room should have a loud analogue clock - it doesn't even have fluorescent parts so you can't see the whole thing in the dark...)
Surprisingly the equipment was pretty comfy. Even the thing on my belly wasn't so bad, I could even sleep on my stomach. The only thing that bothered me was the nose thing that looks like an oxygen hose. :-P
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Yes and another thing...that Bra looks most uncomfortable 
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