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Description
Everyday, people are faced with a dire problem that takes control of their life. Each day they go out of their homes to face the perils of whatever their day may hold, only to find that when they return to the comfort of their own homes, they must face an even greater demon. Every day this horrid evil rips away at the souls of not only the people that have to deal with it, but the people that have to perpetrate it, leaving both parties in a bad way, empty husks of their former being, haunting the world of the living, plaguing the existence of those of us that have not yet been corrupted because no one has guided them from their twisted, maniacal path to a path of freedom from the oppressive evils that ravage their daily life, tearing it asunder in a manner befitting a lion and its meal on the African plains, burning into the very fabric of our being, a fate worse than death from which many never return! Usually more than once daily, each and every one of us is subjected to the hellish nature of phone spam. Every day it enters into your home through one of your household devices and damages your very way of life, pervading every crevice of your existence with such a vile substance that one becomes inherently evil simply by being exposed to it.

The evil itself has a history, most of which is inconsequential. It has evolved from lesser forms, from being passed around on paper and posted up on signs to being transmitted directly into your personal computer. In your day to day life, you can be assured that there is no way to escape the terrible fate that awaits you when you attend any sort of media ranging from movies to simply working on your own computer. No one is safe from this suffering; even our children are being subjected to this at an early age that suggests that by the time they reach my age, they'll be mindless zombies, slaving away for corporations that harass us with these monstrousities. The danger is hard enough to face down if you know when you're looking at it, but some don't even realize it until it's too late.

S.P.A.M., or The Sinister Programs of Automated Messaging (which I have been and will continue to refer to simply as spam) has been plaguing us for decades. Perhaps the most familiar type of spam is the simple leaflet.

"Haven't heard of us yet? What hole have you been living in? Clearly what you are missing out on is the best in the world! Every day, you go through your drab and dreary life and think, 'Why don't I have a better ?' Well think that no longer. Just come on down to 28th St. and You'llGetShot Ave. and we'll get you set up with your brand new ."

Obviously the message here is very generic, which is the first warning sign. The trick is, these leaflets don't just get handed to you, they're packed into your essential provisions. Food, medicine... you name it, it's got a leaflet in it. When you read the leaflet, and find that they're talking about their Funeral Home as "hip" and "the thing all the coolest people in the world are doing," you'll have an instant warning sign. If at all possible, burn that leaflet on the spot, so that the evil isn't spread simply by carelessly tossing it around. You didn't seem them tossing The One Ring in the trash in Lord of the Rings to get rid of it, oh no no. They hiked halfway across the world to a freakin' volcano just to burn it. Take a lesson from Frodo and crew, burn your leaflets.

As near as I can tell, the next place the evil struck was across our telephone lines. By having a telephone installed in your house, you're providing a direct line from them to you, putting yourself directly in harm's way. For those of you that have Caller ID, you may have saved yourself a world of trouble. When your phone rings, check the ID. If the ID says California, and you live in Maine? Well... needless to say you shouldn't touch it. If you do get on the line, however, there are warning signs to look for that will allow you to get out of that situation as soon as possible. If you pick up the phone, and the conversation goes something like this, hang up immediately.

You: "Hello?"
Solicitor of Pure Evil: "Dave! It's Jeff, where you been buddy? How's it goin'?"
You: "Uh... heeeey..... you. Uhh... what's up?"
SoPE: "Oh, nothin' much, man, nothin' much. Hey, I just wanted to tell you about this great offer..."

If you hear "I just wanted to tell you about," "I have this offer for you," "We have hot, horny girls 24/7," or "I'm from Nigeria and I have 100 million dollars in funds that I want to transfer into your bank account," hang up immediately. Another scenario looks something like this:

You: "Hello?"
Seller of Woes: "Hello sir or madam, we're calling you today to see if your interested in our great offer about the new male enhancement product 'It'll Make It Bigger.'"
You: *scream and hang up the phone*

The longer you are subjected to these folks, the worse off you are. One final type is this:

You: "Hello?"
Automated Seller of Woes: *jovial female voice* "Hi. This is a courtesy call from your competing telephone company. All of our operators are busy at the moment, but please hold on just one moment and someone will be right with you. Remember, your call is important to us. Thanks for taking the time to call."

If a company can't take the time to talk to you personally, and has to have a machine call you and then ask you to hold, they're probably not the company that's better off anyway. Spending time on the line in these cases is like spending time in a vat of acid. It might not kill you right away, but the longer you stay there, the lower your chances are of survival. I know I sound like I'm repeating myself, but fire is really the answer guys. The sooner you can burn the telephone, the telephone lines, and/or the operator on the other line, the better. The more you can do, the more of your fellow man you are saving.

The final, and most advanced form of spam is the digital messaging. From movies to television, from video games to the Internet, we are constantly subjected to spam wherever we go. And with the convenience and simplicity of the online world, it's easier than ever to have your message showing up in half the sites across the web. Hundreds of thousands of people every day are subjected to the same creditors, real estate agents, porn industries, and new age remedies as everyone else. At least no one can complain about equality, but the problem is that even the youngest of us are now getting e-mails for bigger breasts and a bigger penis with a higher sex drive all in the same day. And don't you worry about how they're going to pay for it, because on the side, they got a message for a home loan and a credit card company that'll easily cover the costs of these medical miracles before sending them deep into debt for the rest of their known lives. As least they can rely on their Super Phallus and Massive Mammaries, eh?

So those of you at home that are reading this (while simultaneously trying to figure out just how big your penis will get) are thinking to yourself "But Dave, I'm just one person, what difference can I make?" To you I say "Gear up!" Go down to your kitchen and find a pack of matches. Go out to your car and siphon the gasoline from the tank... you didn't need to go anywhere anyway. Gather your computer, your telephone, and all the paper you can find into a pile in your backyard and set it ablaze. If the cops come by, just tell them that you're doing a service to mankind, and if he doesn't like it, he can burn, just like the rest of it. Don't let these people push you around any longer. I know I sure didn't, and my computer is finally almost go-...

Description
Everyday, people are faced with a dire problem that takes control of their life. Each day they go out of their homes to face the perils of whatever their day may hold, only to find that when they return to the comfort of their own homes, they must face an even greater demon. Every day this horrid evil rips away at the souls of not only the people that have to deal with it, but the people that have to perpetrate it, leaving both parties in a bad way, empty husks of their former being, haunting the world of the living, plaguing the existence of those of us that have not yet been corrupted because no one has guided them from their twisted, maniacal path to a path of freedom from the oppressive evils that ravage their daily life, tearing it asunder in a manner befitting a lion and its meal on the African plains, burning into the very fabric of our being, a fate worse than death from which many never return! Usually more than once daily, each and every one of us is subjected to the hellish nature of phone spam. Every day it enters into your home through one of your household devices and damages your very way of life, pervading every crevice of your existence with such a vile substance that one becomes inherently evil simply by being exposed to it.

The evil itself has a history, most of which is inconsequential. It has evolved from lesser forms, from being passed around on paper and posted up on signs to being transmitted directly into your personal computer. In your day to day life, you can be assured that there is no way to escape the terrible fate that awaits you when you attend any sort of media ranging from movies to simply working on your own computer. No one is safe from this suffering; even our children are being subjected to this at an early age that suggests that by the time they reach my age, they'll be mindless zombies, slaving away for corporations that harass us with these monstrousities. The danger is hard enough to face down if you know when you're looking at it, but some don't even realize it until it's too late.

S.P.A.M., or The Sinister Programs of Automated Messaging (which I have been and will continue to refer to simply as spam) has been plaguing us for decades. Perhaps the most familiar type of spam is the simple leaflet.

"Haven't heard of us yet? What hole have you been living in? Clearly what you are missing out on is the best in the world! Every day, you go through your drab and dreary life and think, 'Why don't I have a better ?' Well think that no longer. Just come on down to 28th St. and You'llGetShot Ave. and we'll get you set up with your brand new ."

Obviously the message here is very generic, which is the first warning sign. The trick is, these leaflets don't just get handed to you, they're packed into your essential provisions. Food, medicine... you name it, it's got a leaflet in it. When you read the leaflet, and find that they're talking about their Funeral Home as "hip" and "the thing all the coolest people in the world are doing," you'll have an instant warning sign. If at all possible, burn that leaflet on the spot, so that the evil isn't spread simply by carelessly tossing it around. You didn't seem them tossing The One Ring in the trash in Lord of the Rings to get rid of it, oh no no. They hiked halfway across the world to a freakin' volcano just to burn it. Take a lesson from Frodo and crew, burn your leaflets.

As near as I can tell, the next place the evil struck was across our telephone lines. By having a telephone installed in your house, you're providing a direct line from them to you, putting yourself directly in harm's way. For those of you that have Caller ID, you may have saved yourself a world of trouble. When your phone rings, check the ID. If the ID says California, and you live in Maine? Well... needless to say you shouldn't touch it. If you do get on the line, however, there are warning signs to look for that will allow you to get out of that situation as soon as possible. If you pick up the phone, and the conversation goes something like this, hang up immediately.

You: "Hello?"
Solicitor of Pure Evil: "Dave! It's Jeff, where you been buddy? How's it goin'?"
You: "Uh... heeeey..... you. Uhh... what's up?"
SoPE: "Oh, nothin' much, man, nothin' much. Hey, I just wanted to tell you about this great offer..."

If you hear "I just wanted to tell you about," "I have this offer for you," "We have hot, horny girls 24/7," or "I'm from Nigeria and I have 100 million dollars in funds that I want to transfer into your bank account," hang up immediately. Another scenario looks something like this:

You: "Hello?"
Seller of Woes: "Hello sir or madam, we're calling you today to see if your interested in our great offer about the new male enhancement product 'It'll Make It Bigger.'"
You: *scream and hang up the phone*

The longer you are subjected to these folks, the worse off you are. One final type is this:

You: "Hello?"
Automated Seller of Woes: *jovial female voice* "Hi. This is a courtesy call from your competing telephone company. All of our operators are busy at the moment, but please hold on just one moment and someone will be right with you. Remember, your call is important to us. Thanks for taking the time to call."

If a company can't take the time to talk to you personally, and has to have a machine call you and then ask you to hold, they're probably not the company that's better off anyway. Spending time on the line in these cases is like spending time in a vat of acid. It might not kill you right away, but the longer you stay there, the lower your chances are of survival. I know I sound like I'm repeating myself, but fire is really the answer guys. The sooner you can burn the telephone, the telephone lines, and/or the operator on the other line, the better. The more you can do, the more of your fellow man you are saving.

The final, and most advanced form of spam is the digital messaging. From movies to television, from video games to the Internet, we are constantly subjected to spam wherever we go. And with the convenience and simplicity of the online world, it's easier than ever to have your message showing up in half the sites across the web. Hundreds of thousands of people every day are subjected to the same creditors, real estate agents, porn industries, and new age remedies as everyone else. At least no one can complain about equality, but the problem is that even the youngest of us are now getting e-mails for bigger breasts and a bigger penis with a higher sex drive all in the same day. And don't you worry about how they're going to pay for it, because on the side, they got a message for a home loan and a credit card company that'll easily cover the costs of these medical miracles before sending them deep into debt for the rest of their known lives. As least they can rely on their Super Phallus and Massive Mammaries, eh?

So those of you at home that are reading this (while simultaneously trying to figure out just how big your penis will get) are thinking to yourself "But Dave, I'm just one person, what difference can I make?" To you I say "Gear up!" Go down to your kitchen and find a pack of matches. Go out to your car and siphon the gasoline from the tank... you didn't need to go anywhere anyway. Gather your computer, your telephone, and all the paper you can find into a pile in your backyard and set it ablaze. If the cops come by, just tell them that you're doing a service to mankind, and if he doesn't like it, he can burn, just like the rest of it. Don't let these people push you around any longer. I know I sure didn't, and my computer is finally almost go-...