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Dragonnym — Hope Come Save Me Now
#anxiety #appaloosa #bands #characterart #dark #depressed #depression #digitalpainting #drawing #equine #equineart #horse #horseart #horses #metal #music #oc #original #painting #sai #sketchbookpro #suicidal #characteroc #painttoolsai #amityaffliction #kinninkiago #dragonnym #coulterix
Published: 2016-04-15 05:30:26 +0000 UTC; Views: 764; Favourites: 30; Downloads: 0
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Description
I'm standing by the river side dreaming hope come save me nowI'm feeling like I can't escape screaming love come pull me out
It burns, burns like a forest fire
Lost in a winter's storm like wolves, with no stars to use as guides
www.youtube.com/watch?v=IH1CD6…
About two weeks ago I decided to try an oil therapy for all the bullshit military issues I deal with as a painful reminder and surprisingly, they were actually working. For weeks I was waking up sick to my stomach immediately and would just have anxiety and be jumpy as fuck all day long until I started using the oils I would wake up and not feel sick anymore, it was a lot easier to control my spasms, however the depression and what not remained, the oils were to take away the anxiety to calm my jittery ass down. While they were working for the anxiety, every time I went to sleep they were triggering some military related dream, whether it was a personal flash back, or just a military situation in which I was put in with a bad ending each time. Why it was doing that I have no idea and neither does anyone else. I decided a few days ago to test to see if they were actually working and sure enough the next morning after stopping them I just felt like puking my brains out, and all the usual bullshit that happens, happened. Surprise surprise
Now that I've been off of them for about a week obviously all my problems and what not have returned and I know that if I just huff the damn oil that it can all stop ( well the anxiety part anyway ) but I literally have no desire to, and they're inches in font of me every day yet I have no desire or what even seems like strength to reach for them, yet I can walk around the rest of this house all god damn day and do other things, but take the damn oils
There has also been a mix up so people from ACAP are ringing me up daily because some how they lost records of mine, why in the hell it's been 6 months later and I'm just getting notified now, I have no idea. Then again the army is the army and bullshit is what makes the clock go round. So that makes me paranoid because I don't want to be put at fault for something I clearly have no control over, so I had to dig through all of my paper work and obviously I know everything is done that they're saying isn't done because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to get out and it wouldn't be checked off on the list, nor would I have copies of these papers if it had never been done like they're sayingAnd I just sat there going through all of my things, paper work, messages we left each other bored as hell in TSED, job materials ect and I couldn't help but sit at that table and just feel so fucking guilty for the deaths of some of my friends, even though I had/have no control over them, now, or at the time that it happened. But it just feels like there's something I should, or could have done and the outcomes of the events would have been completely different. I feel like I killed my friends, and I just feel so, so guilty about it because I should have told Mathews to go to bed, he wouldn't have fallen asleep at the wheel and maybe he'd still be here right now, I should have seen the signs that led up to Lambert killing himself, I should have seen it in that coffee shop talking about books a certain book in particular and I didn't, I could have done something if I was just paying closer attention, but I didn't think anything of it, no.People die around me and I feel like I killed my friends
I don't think this submission needs explanation for anyone that knows what it's like to be depressed and feel like you're constantly battling yourself, that your depression has a mind and body of its own and it's just like another person inside of you, along with you in your body as well and it likes to watch you suffer, it likes to hit you with memories and things you don't want to think about, places you don't want to go, and all the while you're just screaming and begging for it to stop. I'm not exactly feeling suicidal over these things, but it can damn near feel like it's just the better option to make it all go away, I tried to open up to my aunt the last time I saw her because she was talking about Nick and how PTSD isn't a surprise in the military because he has it, and I was trying to talk to her about a couple of things but she was like "Yeah Ang, well you're fine from all of it" and I said I just never said anything, because that's what I do I don't say anything about anything because I just don't want to but according to her "I'm fine from it" I only seem fine from it because I don't share anything or open up to anyone about it.
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Comments: 2
you're so incredibly strong Angie <3 I can't even begin to fathom what it must have been like for you in the army, watching your friends die, and this whole thing with the army is just bringing it back up for you again and it's so hard to move forward when reminders are shoved at you everywhere you go. People dying around you... you didn't kill your friends, you are in no way guilty of their deaths. They died, very tragically, in circumstances not under your control, because had you been able to control them, they would be here with you. I'm glad the oils are helping, and I think the root of your issues with taking them may be because of the guilt you feel over the deaths. This is hypothetical of course, but perhaps your subconcious mind thinks that as you blame yourself for their deaths, you cannot help yourself be happier from it because your mind is telling you that you are at fault and deserve to be miserable, even when you don't, and so you can't find the energy to take them because perhaps deep down, part of you believes you don't deserve to. All hypothetical, but I think it might explain it. Then the key to being able to take them is reminding yourself that it is in no way your fault, which I know is very easy to say and incredibly difficult to do, but if I'm right, then that might be how you can help yourself out.
I know this is v. unrelated, but if it cheers you up, here's a rough design of one of the Elven gods: sta.sh/01hm26gdvrzd
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To be fair, there was only Lambert right in front of me, the rest of my friends are dying on the deployment I didn't get to go on, and Mathews fell asleep at the wheel of his truck about 4 hours after we had talked. Honestly I never even wanted to end up in the army or the military in general after a few things, I first went to the air force because since I can remember I always wanted to be a jet fighter but I'm too short to be one and because I have asthma the take off would have killed me (You cant' have asthma in the military and you'd be surprised that like 90% of the military has asthma everyone knows it but it's something you can get away with) So my dream was basically shot down, then I went to the Navy because their uniforms, ugh they're damn sexy and I destroy the water so I thought why not
Then they would never get back to me and my one friend ( I guess kinda not friend now I have noo idea ) Oli was also having a problem trying to get in contact with anyone from the navy so I was like, fuck it then I just won't be in the military. That was all in October I believe then March came around I was about to finish junior year and had to think about a couple of things, where I was going to go to college, what I wanted to do, had to think about things concerning my relationship and what not and I never wanted to be put in a financial situation with my now ex fiance because was a drop out marine even though I clearly told him again and again, stay the fuck in but for whatever reasons he thought he needed to get out, which caused problems so I wanted to be able to be able to still provide should he be jobless because of his fuck up, ect and I didn't want to leave him because he couldn't get a job or other petty things like that, so I did everything for him and he never understood that I didn't join because I wanted to , I did everything for him but that's probably where the relationship just started turning a little bit I feel because instead of it being just a job to help out if needed it was just causing more conflict and would leave room for remarks like a few days before I had to leave this year he was like "Well if you love me you wouldn't have joined" He said he was joking but it's like, you don't say that you fuckstick because I'm doing this BECAUSE of YOU.
I know that there's nothing I could have done you have no idea how many times I have to tell myself that , Mullins tells me that, Nick tells me that, I tell myself that but it just doesn't make the situation any different, and of my loooorrddddddddd I fucking LOVE that design 
1. Airmid
2. Balor
3. Carman
4. Danu
5. Dermot
6. Donn
7. Ecne
8. Flidais
9. Medb
10. Nehalennia
11. Scota
12. Aine
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