HOME | DD

Description
Warning: Implied sexual content, but not descriptive or graphic enough for a mature filter. Please, correct me if I am wrong.

PART 4 – ECHOES OF OUR PAST - Erwin x OC

I found him looking at my book collection, placed behind my working desk and my chair. The shelves were filled with all kinds of titles, containing various subjects/themes, from romance novels and theatrics plays to serious scientific research and history of the Walled World. I had all the existing tomes regarding our militia, from the earliest days, as well as the history of our monarchs.

Needless to say, I also had some forbidden materials in my possession, hidden from the prying eyes. Some of my books contained information about erased events from humanity’s and military’s history, through testimonies of imprisoned individuals, written during their regular trials, but also during the torture that was bestowed upon them in times they weren’t so eager to speak and share the vital matters regarding Walls. Some of those testimonies were really disturbing, especially during the time of the infamous Grand Rebellion.

Erwin was thoroughly checking the top shelf.

“Anything interesting?” I asked, closing the door behind us.

“There are many that peek my interest here. But as far as I can tell, you have… around… seven new titles, if I am correct?”

“Nine, actually. You missed those on the bottom shelf.”

“Oh,” he glanced down, and looked back at me, “right.”

He looked at the desk where we have previously played the chess. “I am curious about one thing. In case that you won, and not I… what would you ask from me?”

What would I ask, indeed? Let’s keep that a secret. I’ve responded diplomatically.

“Something equally unpleasant to you as the whole fund-raising event-attending is unpleasant to me, my dear Commander. You were lucky enough to beat me this time so it doesn’t matter now, does it?”

“Hm. Probably not,” he went through his hair, smoothing it behind.

I enjoyed the sight shortly before I remembered what I wanted to say to the Commander in the first place. “The dinner will be prepared soon. The room is already at your disposal. You can go rest anytime you see fit.”

“You are already that bored with me, Aurora?” he smiled softly.

“What kind of deduction is that?” I smiled back. “I can never get bored with you, Erwin. It’s you who placed me in the Utopia in the first place to get rid of me, remember?”

Erwin gave me one of his disapproving glances, and sighed.

“And here we go again. How many times do I have to explain…”

“… that you did that only because you needed someone you can trust with this position? You needn’t explain, Erwin, I know that. But don’t deny you also did it because it was convenient.”

“Convenient?” he raised his eyebrows. “If you want to believe I am that kind of man… then there’s nothing I can say that will change your mind. Hence, I won’t deny anything, or confirm anything… my dear Aurora.”

“You never do, but you don’t have to for my sake. I am not that kind of woman either,” I stated, before remembering an old advice I had to give myself every now and then regarding Erwin. I shouldn’t let my emotions get the better of me in his presence. And via this… almost furious response, I imagine I ranked low on this little test of his. Not that I particularly care, though, it’s not as if I’d gain, or lose anything in the process.

I approached him, confidently and calmly. “Your dear Aurora is only speaking her mind, Commander. Including topics she is bothered with, and dissatisfied with. You wouldn’t like me if I was behaving any other way.”

“That’s true. But you also have to know that I am simply doing what I believe is best. For both humanity, and you. I am trying to do what’s in everyone’s best interest,” he reminded me.

“Oh, I know. Trust me. But did you ever think how the rest of us might feel while you are doing what you believe is best?” I asked, just for the sake of asking. I already presumed what his answer will be.

“All the time. But you already knew that… didn’t you?”

Yes. Yes I did. “I am aware.”

I got a bit tired of our conversations. We would disagree about something, then agree, and start talking about things we both knew. Many of our conversations start with something like: “I am trying to do what’s best and lead humanity this way or that way,” and we usually insert all kinds of philosophical and moral remarks during our debates. The responses aren’t very witty or creative, they often end up in a simple: “I know”. That goes for both of us. When Erwin starts talking about something, I instantly know what he will say and end his sentence, or he finishes my own in my stead. We know each other that well.

Also, the small talks were the safest for us, so we both kept that course during our conversations. He talked about books, I talked about dinner, and all was well on the surface. It seemed it was the time for another small, safe talk. So, I continued.

“Let’s get downstairs and have you fed. You are my guest, dear Commander, and I love to treat my guests in the best way I can.” That went without saying.

He lowered his head a bit. “So, aside being your Commander… you now degrade me to being your guest too?” he offered his hand to me and I took it.

“I wasn’t aware any of those were a degradation to your great persona,” I remarked, joking along the way. “The term ‘guest’ suggests that the person is important, and that person needs to be treated with kindness and generosity, doesn’t it? Also… guests always get special treatment, don’t they?”

“Not necessarily. Also, the term itself can refer to people who you know, and don’t know. A guest… could be someone who is close to you, but also someone who is a stranger, even if you show him all the necessary hospitality.”

“And what exactly do you want to be, Erwin?” I challenged, looking directly at his eyes. We were long past due of being shy around each other, and even if I did feel a bit… embarrassed, I still didn’t want him to make me feel this way, just because he could. “You aren’t a stranger so it isn’t important. What do you want me to say?”

“I want you to refer to me like I was your friend, of course. Commander and Major, that’s too… formal. A guest and a host, that’s plain ridiculous. Aren’t we more than that? Aren’t we friends, just like you’ve stated before?”

He did this on purpose. I saw it in his eyes, I heard it in his words. Something sharp went right through my heart and pierced it. Or, that’s how I felt like anyway. I couldn’t stop myself from making a short grimace before I made my face look calm and cold again.

“Of course we are. Best friends, if I am not alone in this sentiment.” If I was ill mannered like one of my sharper-tongued cadets… or like Corporal Ezra Schwarz, for instance… the term asshole would have come to mind somewhere in there. But I was raised to be a lady, so I would never think of such a thing about my dearest friend, the Commander.

He stopped me by stopping in front of me to cut my way out.

“Are we, now?” he caught my hand with his own, fingers of his left palm intertwined with my own.

“What do you think you are doing?” I asked him.

“I don’t know. What am I doing, Aurora?” he asked me back instead of properly replying. He invaded my personal space by approaching me closer than necessary.

“You are going too far,” I whispered, wanting to pass him by and get out for some air. This was too much. Him being here was too much.

“Too far,” he repeated, softly measuring those words along the way. “Is that how you really feel?”

No, it isn’t. You are well-aware, and that’s why you are doing this. You are provoking me, you are testing me. You want to see whether I still live in echoes of our long, complicated past, and how much of an acting I am putting when you are near. You’ve seen right through me.

He bowed down. His lips were so close to my own, it was immensely hard to resist the urge to taste him and let him consume me, like only Erwin could. He tempted me, in the cruelest and the kindest possible way, all in the same time. Just to see how much power he still holds over me.

“It is. I think I will skip the dinner, I am tired. Enjoy your meal, Commander.”

I rushed out, losing all the appetite I might have previously had, and leaving him to find his way to the kitchen. After all, he knew this place almost as good as I did, and my soldiers were all at his disposal anyway. I went to my room and slammed the door as hard as I could, still shaking. I didn’t bother to turn on the candles, I just sat on the chair next to my bed and inhaled deeply in that darkness. It felt like… something heavy prevented me from inhaling the air. Like I will choke. I unbuttoned my shirt and took off my military jacket, making myself more comfortable. I’ve removed the straps of my uniform, and started breathing normally again.

Years have passed. Years. And he suddenly does… things like this. I didn’t like it. I didn’t have to like it, and I could express how hurt I am, since he was able to tell regardless of how hard I try to hide.

Easy there, lady Von Amsel. Easy there… my coachman would say, in his hoarse, calm voice. I wished he was here, to make things easier for me. I’ve reached for inner pocket of my trousers and pulled a pack of cigarettes. I wished so badly Regulus was present, since with him by my side, I could control my appearance in front of Erwin and remain absolutely calm. But Regulus was absent, and Erwin came. The worst-case scenario, in this very building, tonight. Dear God.

When we were left alone like this… like always, the things would heat up, and escalate quickly… and I would find myself wanting, and almost doing things that one lady isn’t supposed to feel, or want, or do. There was something… primal… in that desire I felt towards Erwin. There are things that happened between us that I should never, never even think about, yet alone talk about and share them around. With anyone. For one, they hurt. For two, we aren’t lovers anymore. We are nothing.

And whatever happened in the past is only that – past, and I am not supposed to live for memories that are killing me on the inside. Erwin had always been a complicated man. He was always… job-oriented, devoted to the military, devoted to his own agenda. I have always known what it means to love that kind of man. But knowing it didn’t help it to hurt less.

I’ve made mistakes along the way too. It’s not like I am blaming Erwin when I am perfectly aware I made some serious errors in my forced attempt to suppress him from my thoughts, from my heart. I can’t blame Erwin for something I’ve ruined. And who I’ve ruined, other than me.

But Erwin isn’t making things any easier either, especially when he acts this way.

I’ve lit the cigarette, and unbraided my hair, letting it flow over my back. I messed it up with my hand, throwing it over my left shoulder. I was pressing the filter between my lips and inhaling the fume, then releasing it into the air, watching it form small, thin lines that were stretching and curving further, dancing, until they dispersed and disappeared completely.

I’ve looked myself in the mirror which was placed next to my bed. I’ve touched the hideous scar under my left eye, remembering how I got it, and what that gentle, and cruel man said to me after I complained about my ruined face. I sighed, and tapped the cigarette in the ashtray on the desk. I wasn’t sure whether it was because of the fume… but the tears clouded my vision and I forcefully rubbed my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt.

My head hurt and I was tired. The best decision right now… is probably to get ready for bed and sleep until I forget that these things ever happened. I will survive the cursed fund-raising and I will get through the whole Commander-problem, just not now. I need to accept this all somehow, and get back to that… all… friendship/comrade charade. Just not… now.

I’ve almost finished up my cigarette, when the door opened. I knew it was him without evening turning my head towards him, because he was the only one who didn’t knock on my door. All my team-mates obliged knocking as a strict rule, but not him. He just came in as he pleased. His steps were quiet for a man of his constitution.

“Get out,” I said. “Go away.”

“You sound like a terrified child.” His voice was deep, and calm. He leaned down to my chair, and got on his knee since he was too tall to face me on his feet.

“Erwin. Don’t make me repeat myself, and stop making a fool of yourself,” I threatened and he just smiled, like he really had to deal with a spoiled child.

“Answer one thing for me. Once you do that, I will go away, just like you requested.”

I impatiently rose in my chair, and wanted to turn my cigarette down in an ashtray, but he took it from me and took the last smoke.

“What do I need to answer?” I asked. He made a brief pause, by throwing the stub in the ashtray afterwards. He wrapped thick strands of my hair against his wrist and gently pulled them. It didn’t hurt, but it made me face him. I was annoyed.

“What would you ask if you were the one to win?”

“Oh God. That again? Does it matter?”

“Obviously.”

“Hm. I would ask you to recite the whole passage from mother’s libretto in a highest, tiniest female pitch you’re able to produce… in front of all guests that assembled to listen to Freja. Something like that. I wasn’t into details yet,” I said.

“Are you aware that you are lying to your superior officer? I might have to punish you, regardless of how close we are.” His hand slid down from my hair to my neck, and even in darkness, his eyes were piercing. My heartbeats grew with each move he made. He touched right where my heart was threatening to jump out. His face was a few centimeters away from mine.

“This isn’t like you, Erwin,” I gasped. His lips rubbed against mine, slowly, gently, and he asked for an entrance. I hesitated. I still hesitated… but I responded by slowly moving my own lips.

“You are right. I am not myself when I am around you, I can’t think clearly,” he admitted, and I was surprised to hear it. I really didn’t expect… not after all this time.

“All I think about… is you… and how I want you, so let’s stop this game,” he licked my lower lip, and inserted his tongue in. I let him in, but started battling his tongue with mine. No. No… this has to stop. We will ruin it all, again…

“Erwin…” I whispered.

“If this is too far,” he said, breathing heavily, his eyes focused on my own, “if this is too much…”

“It’s nowhere near enough,” I’ve responded, and pulled his face towards me, kissing him aggressively. We are going to regret this. He is probably going to feel bad after it ends. I am probably going to feel that way too, because of him. We were a mess beyond repair.

But right now, I am not the one who is able to think clearly either, so I won't be the one stop it. Not this time, anyway.

Description
Warning: Implied sexual content, but not descriptive or graphic enough for a mature filter. Please, correct me if I am wrong.

PART 4 – ECHOES OF OUR PAST - Erwin x OC

I found him looking at my book collection, placed behind my working desk and my chair. The shelves were filled with all kinds of titles, containing various subjects/themes, from romance novels and theatrics plays to serious scientific research and history of the Walled World. I had all the existing tomes regarding our militia, from the earliest days, as well as the history of our monarchs.

Needless to say, I also had some forbidden materials in my possession, hidden from the prying eyes. Some of my books contained information about erased events from humanity’s and military’s history, through testimonies of imprisoned individuals, written during their regular trials, but also during the torture that was bestowed upon them in times they weren’t so eager to speak and share the vital matters regarding Walls. Some of those testimonies were really disturbing, especially during the time of the infamous Grand Rebellion.

Erwin was thoroughly checking the top shelf.

“Anything interesting?” I asked, closing the door behind us.

“There are many that peek my interest here. But as far as I can tell, you have… around… seven new titles, if I am correct?”

“Nine, actually. You missed those on the bottom shelf.”

“Oh,” he glanced down, and looked back at me, “right.”

He looked at the desk where we have previously played the chess. “I am curious about one thing. In case that you won, and not I… what would you ask from me?”

What would I ask, indeed? Let’s keep that a secret. I’ve responded diplomatically.

“Something equally unpleasant to you as the whole fund-raising event-attending is unpleasant to me, my dear Commander. You were lucky enough to beat me this time so it doesn’t matter now, does it?”

“Hm. Probably not,” he went through his hair, smoothing it behind.

I enjoyed the sight shortly before I remembered what I wanted to say to the Commander in the first place. “The dinner will be prepared soon. The room is already at your disposal. You can go rest anytime you see fit.”

“You are already that bored with me, Aurora?” he smiled softly.

“What kind of deduction is that?” I smiled back. “I can never get bored with you, Erwin. It’s you who placed me in the Utopia in the first place to get rid of me, remember?”

Erwin gave me one of his disapproving glances, and sighed.

“And here we go again. How many times do I have to explain…”

“… that you did that only because you needed someone you can trust with this position? You needn’t explain, Erwin, I know that. But don’t deny you also did it because it was convenient.”

“Convenient?” he raised his eyebrows. “If you want to believe I am that kind of man… then there’s nothing I can say that will change your mind. Hence, I won’t deny anything, or confirm anything… my dear Aurora.”

“You never do, but you don’t have to for my sake. I am not that kind of woman either,” I stated, before remembering an old advice I had to give myself every now and then regarding Erwin. I shouldn’t let my emotions get the better of me in his presence. And via this… almost furious response, I imagine I ranked low on this little test of his. Not that I particularly care, though, it’s not as if I’d gain, or lose anything in the process.

I approached him, confidently and calmly. “Your dear Aurora is only speaking her mind, Commander. Including topics she is bothered with, and dissatisfied with. You wouldn’t like me if I was behaving any other way.”

“That’s true. But you also have to know that I am simply doing what I believe is best. For both humanity, and you. I am trying to do what’s in everyone’s best interest,” he reminded me.

“Oh, I know. Trust me. But did you ever think how the rest of us might feel while you are doing what you believe is best?” I asked, just for the sake of asking. I already presumed what his answer will be.

“All the time. But you already knew that… didn’t you?”

Yes. Yes I did. “I am aware.”

I got a bit tired of our conversations. We would disagree about something, then agree, and start talking about things we both knew. Many of our conversations start with something like: “I am trying to do what’s best and lead humanity this way or that way,” and we usually insert all kinds of philosophical and moral remarks during our debates. The responses aren’t very witty or creative, they often end up in a simple: “I know”. That goes for both of us. When Erwin starts talking about something, I instantly know what he will say and end his sentence, or he finishes my own in my stead. We know each other that well.

Also, the small talks were the safest for us, so we both kept that course during our conversations. He talked about books, I talked about dinner, and all was well on the surface. It seemed it was the time for another small, safe talk. So, I continued.

“Let’s get downstairs and have you fed. You are my guest, dear Commander, and I love to treat my guests in the best way I can.” That went without saying.

He lowered his head a bit. “So, aside being your Commander… you now degrade me to being your guest too?” he offered his hand to me and I took it.

“I wasn’t aware any of those were a degradation to your great persona,” I remarked, joking along the way. “The term ‘guest’ suggests that the person is important, and that person needs to be treated with kindness and generosity, doesn’t it? Also… guests always get special treatment, don’t they?”

“Not necessarily. Also, the term itself can refer to people who you know, and don’t know. A guest… could be someone who is close to you, but also someone who is a stranger, even if you show him all the necessary hospitality.”

“And what exactly do you want to be, Erwin?” I challenged, looking directly at his eyes. We were long past due of being shy around each other, and even if I did feel a bit… embarrassed, I still didn’t want him to make me feel this way, just because he could. “You aren’t a stranger so it isn’t important. What do you want me to say?”

“I want you to refer to me like I was your friend, of course. Commander and Major, that’s too… formal. A guest and a host, that’s plain ridiculous. Aren’t we more than that? Aren’t we friends, just like you’ve stated before?”

He did this on purpose. I saw it in his eyes, I heard it in his words. Something sharp went right through my heart and pierced it. Or, that’s how I felt like anyway. I couldn’t stop myself from making a short grimace before I made my face look calm and cold again.

“Of course we are. Best friends, if I am not alone in this sentiment.” If I was ill mannered like one of my sharper-tongued cadets… or like Corporal Ezra Schwarz, for instance… the term asshole would have come to mind somewhere in there. But I was raised to be a lady, so I would never think of such a thing about my dearest friend, the Commander.

He stopped me by stopping in front of me to cut my way out.

“Are we, now?” he caught my hand with his own, fingers of his left palm intertwined with my own.

“What do you think you are doing?” I asked him.

“I don’t know. What am I doing, Aurora?” he asked me back instead of properly replying. He invaded my personal space by approaching me closer than necessary.

“You are going too far,” I whispered, wanting to pass him by and get out for some air. This was too much. Him being here was too much.

“Too far,” he repeated, softly measuring those words along the way. “Is that how you really feel?”

No, it isn’t. You are well-aware, and that’s why you are doing this. You are provoking me, you are testing me. You want to see whether I still live in echoes of our long, complicated past, and how much of an acting I am putting when you are near. You’ve seen right through me.

He bowed down. His lips were so close to my own, it was immensely hard to resist the urge to taste him and let him consume me, like only Erwin could. He tempted me, in the cruelest and the kindest possible way, all in the same time. Just to see how much power he still holds over me.

“It is. I think I will skip the dinner, I am tired. Enjoy your meal, Commander.”

I rushed out, losing all the appetite I might have previously had, and leaving him to find his way to the kitchen. After all, he knew this place almost as good as I did, and my soldiers were all at his disposal anyway. I went to my room and slammed the door as hard as I could, still shaking. I didn’t bother to turn on the candles, I just sat on the chair next to my bed and inhaled deeply in that darkness. It felt like… something heavy prevented me from inhaling the air. Like I will choke. I unbuttoned my shirt and took off my military jacket, making myself more comfortable. I’ve removed the straps of my uniform, and started breathing normally again.

Years have passed. Years. And he suddenly does… things like this. I didn’t like it. I didn’t have to like it, and I could express how hurt I am, since he was able to tell regardless of how hard I try to hide.

Easy there, lady Von Amsel. Easy there… my coachman would say, in his hoarse, calm voice. I wished he was here, to make things easier for me. I’ve reached for inner pocket of my trousers and pulled a pack of cigarettes. I wished so badly Regulus was present, since with him by my side, I could control my appearance in front of Erwin and remain absolutely calm. But Regulus was absent, and Erwin came. The worst-case scenario, in this very building, tonight. Dear God.

When we were left alone like this… like always, the things would heat up, and escalate quickly… and I would find myself wanting, and almost doing things that one lady isn’t supposed to feel, or want, or do. There was something… primal… in that desire I felt towards Erwin. There are things that happened between us that I should never, never even think about, yet alone talk about and share them around. With anyone. For one, they hurt. For two, we aren’t lovers anymore. We are nothing.

And whatever happened in the past is only that – past, and I am not supposed to live for memories that are killing me on the inside. Erwin had always been a complicated man. He was always… job-oriented, devoted to the military, devoted to his own agenda. I have always known what it means to love that kind of man. But knowing it didn’t help it to hurt less.

I’ve made mistakes along the way too. It’s not like I am blaming Erwin when I am perfectly aware I made some serious errors in my forced attempt to suppress him from my thoughts, from my heart. I can’t blame Erwin for something I’ve ruined. And who I’ve ruined, other than me.

But Erwin isn’t making things any easier either, especially when he acts this way.

I’ve lit the cigarette, and unbraided my hair, letting it flow over my back. I messed it up with my hand, throwing it over my left shoulder. I was pressing the filter between my lips and inhaling the fume, then releasing it into the air, watching it form small, thin lines that were stretching and curving further, dancing, until they dispersed and disappeared completely.

I’ve looked myself in the mirror which was placed next to my bed. I’ve touched the hideous scar under my left eye, remembering how I got it, and what that gentle, and cruel man said to me after I complained about my ruined face. I sighed, and tapped the cigarette in the ashtray on the desk. I wasn’t sure whether it was because of the fume… but the tears clouded my vision and I forcefully rubbed my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt.

My head hurt and I was tired. The best decision right now… is probably to get ready for bed and sleep until I forget that these things ever happened. I will survive the cursed fund-raising and I will get through the whole Commander-problem, just not now. I need to accept this all somehow, and get back to that… all… friendship/comrade charade. Just not… now.

I’ve almost finished up my cigarette, when the door opened. I knew it was him without evening turning my head towards him, because he was the only one who didn’t knock on my door. All my team-mates obliged knocking as a strict rule, but not him. He just came in as he pleased. His steps were quiet for a man of his constitution.

“Get out,” I said. “Go away.”

“You sound like a terrified child.” His voice was deep, and calm. He leaned down to my chair, and got on his knee since he was too tall to face me on his feet.

“Erwin. Don’t make me repeat myself, and stop making a fool of yourself,” I threatened and he just smiled, like he really had to deal with a spoiled child.

“Answer one thing for me. Once you do that, I will go away, just like you requested.”

I impatiently rose in my chair, and wanted to turn my cigarette down in an ashtray, but he took it from me and took the last smoke.

“What do I need to answer?” I asked. He made a brief pause, by throwing the stub in the ashtray afterwards. He wrapped thick strands of my hair against his wrist and gently pulled them. It didn’t hurt, but it made me face him. I was annoyed.

“What would you ask if you were the one to win?”

“Oh God. That again? Does it matter?”

“Obviously.”

“Hm. I would ask you to recite the whole passage from mother’s libretto in a highest, tiniest female pitch you’re able to produce… in front of all guests that assembled to listen to Freja. Something like that. I wasn’t into details yet,” I said.

“Are you aware that you are lying to your superior officer? I might have to punish you, regardless of how close we are.” His hand slid down from my hair to my neck, and even in darkness, his eyes were piercing. My heartbeats grew with each move he made. He touched right where my heart was threatening to jump out. His face was a few centimeters away from mine.

“This isn’t like you, Erwin,” I gasped. His lips rubbed against mine, slowly, gently, and he asked for an entrance. I hesitated. I still hesitated… but I responded by slowly moving my own lips.

“You are right. I am not myself when I am around you, I can’t think clearly,” he admitted, and I was surprised to hear it. I really didn’t expect… not after all this time.

“All I think about… is you… and how I want you, so let’s stop this game,” he licked my lower lip, and inserted his tongue in. I let him in, but started battling his tongue with mine. No. No… this has to stop. We will ruin it all, again…

“Erwin…” I whispered.

“If this is too far,” he said, breathing heavily, his eyes focused on my own, “if this is too much…”

“It’s nowhere near enough,” I’ve responded, and pulled his face towards me, kissing him aggressively. We are going to regret this. He is probably going to feel bad after it ends. I am probably going to feel that way too, because of him. We were a mess beyond repair.

But right now, I am not the one who is able to think clearly either, so I won't be the one stop it. Not this time, anyway.