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Gee-Nius — Sarah.
by-nc-nd
Published: 2009-09-26 18:13:37 +0000 UTC; Views: 325; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 4
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Please, please read this. I hope you’re there.You obviously know who you are.
Remember when I said I didn’t know how to put my apology into the correct words? I hope this sums it up.
I’ve known you four years now, and there isn’t a single day that goes by that I don’t love spending with you.
Six and a half hours, five days a week, just doesn’t seem like enough.
I know we’ve had bad times and good times as well.
But this time, it just doesn’t seem like it will mend.
We’d arrange how the future will look.
Talked about our five cats and our London apartment.
Leaving school at sixteen, saving up, and moving away, two years later.
You know I don’t actually like England that much?
But I was willing to move, to be with you.
I can’t believe it was school that tore us apart.
I wish I could say something that will make you see me as that person again.
I’ve been thinking for hours, and nothing came to mind.
Nothing has hit me this hard in my life.
But I can’t live without you.
Knowing that I’ve hurt you is just too much.
And to know you’ll be alone,
…I just can’t bear it.
I’ve been told that regret shows weakness,
So I must be weaker than a sheet of wet paper.
I regret every bad word that I have said to you.
Since that September in 2006.
As I sit here, writing this piece with tears filling my eyes,
I know that the only three words I don’t regret tell you are;
I.
Love.
You.
There is next to no probability you‘ll say yes,
But I might as well ask,
Could you ever give me
A second chance?
To prove that I love you,
And desperately want to be your friend.
It might take a month, or a year to mend this hole,
That has severely slice our friendship in two.
This piece hasn’t half summed up how I feel right now.
But I hope you get the point.
Lots of love, even if you don’t want it.
xx~
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Comments: 18
As the Impartial adjudicator, I gotta say; I don't know what happened, and clearly it was a big thing, but it takes a LOT of courage to say sorry, and more to say it so publicly. Sarah, whatever Em has done, she clearly loves you. It's a horrible thing to fall out with mates; its worse to snub their apology, and regret it later. PLEASE be friends again.
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Honestly, I don't care for this particular piece anymore. I don't care about that person ever. Thanks for reminding me about this :3 I'll delete this now
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How the fuck can you say that this didn't mean anything to me?
When you spoke to me in english on Thursday, I TRIED to say to you that I didn't know what to do, but someone else was talking so you obviously didn't hear.
SORRY if I finally got sick of only having one friendship that was not serious in ANY way.
SORRY if I wanted to have a friend to talk to about anything and get advice back.
SORRY if I feel fucked up and confused right now, but sometimes people need time to think.
I fucking cried for ages in front of Daniel and Matthew on friday because I saw how you didn't even try to talk to me anymore.
You know, I even tried smoking on Wednesday because hey, whatever, the whole borough blacked out and what did I have to lose? I wanted to make myself a cold person, who doesn't let things bother them and not cry at every fucking thing but FAIL.
Fine whatever, if I can't have one or two days alone to think about shit then maybe I meant nothing to you.
Maybe I am the kind of person MEANT to be a bloody loner?
Have fun with your new fucking friends.
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When I was talking to you on Thursday, you said to me you didn't care. When I tried to talk it over with you, and tell you how hard it was to not talk to you, you put your head in you hands.
I'm sorry you thought it wasn't serious. Maybe if you tried to branch out, you wouldn't have only one friendship.
Look, you constantly told me stuff I couldn't handle. You told me how hard it was for you when your dad was taking drugs. I'm the same fucking age as you! What makes you think I have any more experience than you do? I have my own problems, too! I can't take on yours aswell. I don't even think I can handle my own problems, at the moment. That's why I'm going to the counselor. Because I want to...NEED to talk to someone I didn't hold close to me about my problems, and how my life's gone to shit.
I didn't try to talk you, because I was afraid you wouldn't talk back. Like, on Monday. You gave me one word replies when I talked to you in the cloakroom.
I've been crying every single fucking night since you've become so pissed off with me. I've cried infront of my fucking family in the livingroom, so don't think I'm not feeling this.
You meant the fucking world to me.
I wanted to try and patch things up on Tuesday. I didn't want to just sit down beside you without asking, so I asked could I. You shook your head. That feeling of rejection tore me apart. Dr. Mac trying to talk to me about us 'fighting' made it even worse.
If you wanted to think about things and wanted to be alone to think, you should've told me first. If you told me this, maybe I wouldn't have gotten so angry about this. See, the way I see it, is that you've gotten bored of me and want nothing more to do with me.
Saying now that you want time to think, well that fucking changes all my views on this.
Yeah? Well, I went out with them last night. And guess what? I felt as if I didn't fit in. Maybe it's because I didn't fit in. I can't handle being in a big group of friends. That's why I was so fucking protective.
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I NEVER said I didn't care. I know I didn't, because I do NOT not care about this. I put my head in my hands because this is all getting too fucking much and four people had come up to me asking me to sit with them and I was getting fustrated because I don't want fucking pity, I wanted to sit alone and think about this.
When, apart from fighting, have we ever had a serious moment? It's always messing around, so I didn't think, I knew.
I don't WANT more than one friend, I get shy around people and would loathe being in a big group everyday, so I don't want to branch out.
I don 't recall CONSTANTLY telling you my problems. And when you tell your friend things like that you do NOT expect answers from experience - NOONE does! I don't know where you got the idea that I thought you had more experience than me - if someone was having to make a descision of whether or not they should keep a baby or something, they'd automatically ask their best friend, no one expects more fucking experience in the topic.
I didn't KNOW you had problems so bad that I couldn't tell you something small in confidence - maybe if you spoke to me, owait, no, because like I said, we were never serious. I don't think I can handle mine either. I have felt like that since fucking second year.
Ha. At least you have CONFIDENCE to go to her, I wanted to go in fucking second year when I was cutting myself because I felt shit, but didn't because my self esteem is THAT low that I fail to even ask to talk to someone - why it took me so long to tell you ANYTHING and why now I am upset you didn't want to know because my biggest fear EVER is rejection and it felt like as soon as I opened up, I was rejected.
I'm not pissed off at you - I'm fucking pissed off at myself and my mundane life. I have cried everyday too, and I NEVER said or thought that you didn't feel this - however, like I sobbed to my brothers, I know that you hate me, and fuck. I hate me too, because I AM FULL OF BULLSHIT and I KNOW it. I know that your problems are worse than mine. I know that none of my problems are actually problems. I know ALL of this, I tell myself it constantly while I am fucking PRAYING to some imaginary being that I can hurry the fuck up and get to 16 so I don't have to go to school and just live up to Becka's joke of me and become a hermit.
I haven't fucking gotten bored of you. I've gotten bored with myself and my life. I am ALWAYS dreaming of ways to kill myself just so that I can become the exact image of what I want to be reincarnated as, because I know I am going nowhere in this life.
I don't see what you were protective of, but you can make friends and people like you. You're fucking lucky, maybe after you talk to the counselor and sort out your shit then you can see that and be comfortable around a group of friends.
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Maybe those four people were TRYING to make friends with you? Maybe they admired you, and wanted to spend time with you.
Friendships don't have to be serious, you know. Friendships are supposed to be happy, and enjoyable. Well, that's my look on friendships, anyway.
Well, what else was I supposed to say that counts as advice?
In situations like that, the best friends most of the time says, "Well, do what you think is best. Do what your heart is telling you to do."
Your dad taking drugs isn't 'small'. If you need to talk to someone about it, talk to someone who can help!
No friendship is fucking serious. 'Serious' and 'friendship' do NOT go together at all!
And in second year, I had told you to go to a teacher you could trust. You said there wasn't anyone you trusted, so I said to put a note in the counselor's box! You never did that, and I don't know why. No one's going to judge you because you go to counselling.
You shouldn't be pissed off at yourself. There is no reason for you to be.
I don't hate you. Seriously, I don't. I've said it so many times, I enjoy spending time with you.
You are not full of bullshit. The only reason this is fucked up, is because we're looking for something that will never happen. So, our friendship will never be serious. Maybe it wasn't meant to be serious? So, I'll never find another friend like you. Maybe I wasn't meant to.
Ha. Bullshit. Your problems are way worse than mine. If your problems are so bad that you cut yourself, then mine are next to nothing. This is why I never talk to people about my problems. Because yours have always seemed way worse than mine, and I'd be afraid someone would take the piss out of me because mine aren't as bad.
I was protective of you, because I knew I'd not find someone like you! I make such horrible first impressions of myself. If I like someone, I tend to tease them and punch them. If I don't like someone, I act like a complete fucking bitch to them, and mock them, and ignore them.
I'm not comfortable around anyone at school. Sure, there's a few people I can stand to talk to, but I couldn't stand to invite them to sleep over, or talk to them on the internet, in my spare time.
And about the counselling, I haven't exactly asked to see her yet. It's on every Tuesday, and I'd like to go see her.
Maybe, if you want, we could see her together? Like, not in the same session, but we could sign up to see her at the same time, so it isn't as awkward..
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Or maybe those people saw a girl sitting alone listening to her iPod and, feeling nice, decided to go over and invite her over because they felt sorry for her? It's just...I never talk to anyone and I don't give out a friendly...vibe.
Maybe I worded this badly. By serious I mean that I want a friendship that yes, is enjoyable/fun/awesome etc, but when it is necessary to be serious, it isn't awkward and is genuine. I don't want one that is just messing around and all that, because everyone has a day when they're in a mood to maybe have a deep conversation or wants someone to talk to them because they don't know how to sort something out - because that is how I see real relationships work.
I honestly don't know - but anything would have been better than telling me you didn't want to hear anything about it, because like I said, big rejection fear I have going on.
That's just it - your friends should be people you have fun with, but also can talk to about serious issues etc, so I figured you'd be the person I could talk to for help without getting my dad in trouble for having and selling a fucking class B drug!
Well, I think they do and should, otherwise the friendship will not last in the long run, you need a serious aspect in all relationships - you can have all the fun you like with your mum, but when you walk into her bedroom in the middle of the night sobbing that your hamster has just been eaten and you are hysterical, you want her to rub your back, shh you and go help etc. Not just say, Oh fuck. I'm sorry.
I never thought people would judge me - I am just scared of talking to people full stop, and I don't remember you telling me to, but if you did then I didn't because I am that fucking shy, it's bloody crippling, and I cannot get over that, sorry.
I should, because I just seem to annoy every fucking person I meet, seriously. I'm sorry, but I just find it impossible to believe people who say anything even remotely good about me, even if I trust them. I don't know why. I really don't. It might be because I am in a fixed state of 'I bloody suck at everything and anything' but I don't know. As far as I am concerned the whole world hates me and laughs at me.
If it wasn't meant to be serious then I don't know if I can further look at it as a genuine friendship. Of course you won't find someone else like me, because I'm horrible.
They aren't. I don't even know what your problems are but if you can't handle me telling you mine, then they must be bad. Or maybe I'm just whiny? I don't know where cutting myself goes - I don't know if it's because I love seeing blood, or if it's because the stinging pain is the best - but it doesn't make my problems serious at all, it just makes me a sensitive dipshit.
You do not make horrible first impressions - and even if you do, at least you make one, I just come across as the one who never speaks. I wish I could be really outgoing and laid-back about speaking to people - but I nearly die if someone speaks to me.
I have thought about what it would be like if I went in to see her, and I see a lot of similarities between how it goes and how it goes for Meridith Grey in Grey's Anatomy - I'll sit there, completely silent, fidgeting and blushing harshly. When she speaks to me, my voice will crack and I'll tell her there is nothing wrong and I don't know why I'm there. Maybe mine and Meridith's will differ in that if the counselor prods around enough, I'll just sit there and cry.
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Well, I'm sorry that I said it, okay? I didn't mean it to sound so horrible.
And I have a fear of rejection too. Hell, I was left by myself to cry in the corner of the cinema last night.
I know what you mean about the friendship thing, and I'm sorry that I can't give good advice, or support you when you're down.
I'm fucking sorry that all I could say was that. Honestly, if you told me that earlier, I swear I would've done something about it. Now that I look back on the past 3/4 years, I realize that I haven't helped. And I know it. I'm not good with the, "It's all going to be okay" stuff.
Yeah, well, it was in the middle of a conversation about you being shy, I think- if I remember correctly. But you did constantly say you were shy, and I tried to persuade you, but...
You think you annoy people? People fucking detest me, and actually tell me to my face that I'm annoying and bitchy. It's hard, especially if you thought that they were friends.
You're not horrible. Would I have became your friend if you were horrible?
And you're not whiny either. You have serious problems on your shoulders, mine are just the silly teenage ones.
If you're problems are so bad that you think you need to hurt yourself to feel better, it's not good.
I do. It took me until 3rd year to show Jenny and Kara that I wasn't as bitchy as I sounded.
Crying is good, though. Because if you cry for, let's say, 5 classes in a row, then...you'd get tired of crying, and finally begin to talk. It's all about process. You should at least try it- it won't do any harm to try.
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Sorry you said what...?
Neither am I...but still, I'd try.
I do annoy people, Liam has told me how my horrible voice just goes right through his skull as I talk on about stupid shit, and I talk so much it's like Daniel.
Probably if you say other people don't like you.
This whole thing started with me whining, so I am. And mine are stupid teenage shit. It's all just fucking angst with me.
I would never talk to her - that is a definate.
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That I didn't want to hear about your dad?
Well, that's Liam. Liam finds loads of people annoying. You don't talk to much it's like Daniel.
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I really hope you guys patch this up. I've had to do something along these lines too when my best friend wouldn't talk to me, would say she hated me...it hurt so much.
I wish you well. I know how you feel. Like you're dieing inside.
I may not have known you're relationship with Sarah, but I'm sure you had to be extremely close or you to go as far as to write this.
Sorry for any rambling there may be in there...
Basically, I hope you patch it up.
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Thanks so much.
We're talking now, and it's going good, I think ^^
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You're welcome. :3 That's good.
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