Comments: 9
SkyinOd [2012-12-03 22:11:37 +0000 UTC]
I've got some criticism: please use paragraphs, it makes reading so much easier. Please also reread your story and try to filter out grammatical mistakes, by doing so you'll also learn the language better.
Take the historical context into account, how inaccurate the original might be Himaruya does have a grasp of chronology, to have jet planes (only jet planes could cover the distance between Belgium and Moscow in thee hours) and to let WWII start in 1831, or to put Belgian independence in 1939 make you seem confused. So do a little research, at least read Wikipedia. It would also tell you that Russia stood alone during the start of WWII and they never had an alliance with Belgium, that it was dead poor and not expected to do much and was hated by most in the west because it was communist.
Basically the whole plot is confused, nothing is clear. (I mean, she's allied to Russia but doesn't know his name when she sees him??)
And one last thing: author's notes are put at the beginning or at the end of the story, giving your thoughts during the story breaks the flow, in other words: it doesn't fit.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Germangamergirl101 In reply to SkyinOd [2012-12-05 12:03:53 +0000 UTC]
Ok sorry about all that ^^' I'm kinda new to all this stuff about like paragraphs and other things. Also I'm not that good with history eiather. And I thought that they wernt suppost to use human names but I don't know. Also I'm new to deviant art so I havent really gotten a grasp and stuff ya know? I'm still learning English too. Sorry about that...hope you still kinda liked it anyway. (:
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
SkyinOd In reply to Germangamergirl101 [2012-12-07 14:30:44 +0000 UTC]
You hid my comment? Why did you hide my comment?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Germangamergirl101 In reply to SkyinOd [2012-12-07 20:34:39 +0000 UTC]
I dont know because when I read it, it kinda makes me think that I suck at writing. Thats why. But thanks for giving you opinion!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
SkyinOd In reply to Germangamergirl101 [2012-12-07 23:44:42 +0000 UTC]
The imagination is an art but writing is a craft. When you're a beginning author you can't expect to be very good immediately. It, therefore, makes no sense to censor criticism. It makes you look bad. At least in my case, it undermined my inclination to help you any further, because, I'll be frank, I've read a lot of fanfiction, you need most exercise of all. Your path is long, you can do it, I think, but eventually. At present you're no good, the entire story is a complete and utter mess.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Cinsarity [2012-12-03 04:42:15 +0000 UTC]
Her human name is Bella or Mariane.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1