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Harlequinbeautie — Why Edward sucks as a vampire
Published: 2009-09-04 03:50:29 +0000 UTC; Views: 15024; Favourites: 277; Downloads: 38
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Poor Bram Stoker is probably rolling in his grave right now. With the creation of Twilight and its notorious gang of vegetarian sparkling vampires, he must so proud. Truly.If you haven’t caught on to the sarcasm, let me point something out to you…
EDWARD CULLEN IS A DISGRACE TO VAMPIRES.
He’s like some new age, hippie, emo wanna-be, vampire. Who is abusive to the girl he ‘loves’ to boot.
See now…the thing is I really REALLY REALLY wanted to like Edward. I mean I really did. He was a vampire. I love vampires. But really there was so much wrong with him (and by wrong I mean NOT wrong) that it was virtually impossible for me to do so.
1. He sparkled.
I’m sorry but I really can’t get over this. Even the first time I read the book (which I actually enjoyed) I was shock that any creature that needed blood to survive would sparkle. And why did he sparkle anyways? Was there any point to it? Did it serve some sort of predatory purpose that I was unaware of? To make a long story short it was stupid. Just stupid. (Not to mention in the movie- yeah did they not hear of like…special effects? Because for real it just looked like they rolled him in some body glitter and said here ya go. I had to actually squint to see the sparklies. )
2. Meyers attempts at making him evil failed horribly.
Okay he killed people. But then she just had to go and fuck that all up by stressing….countless times actually….that he only made sure he killed murderers, rapist etc…
Edwards Danger Meter: - 10000000.
Every single time it seemed like Edward might have had an evil streak -or character development- he went and did/said something heroic to remind us of his disgusting perfect-ness.
3. He always talked about how hard it was to be around Bella and to stop himself from killing her.
But why oh why could we not have had a truly scary moment when he attacks her? WHY?! It would have made him so much likeable to be honest. If she was as wonderful smelling as he claimed, why couldn’t he prove it to us by doing something that would show he really was a savage beast and not human. Because half way through Twilight I was convinced he was just a steroid upped junkie who was fucking with retarded ass Bella Swan.
4. He’s unaware that he’s beautiful.
Now I honestly wonder if he was playing dumb or just… I dunno. But he got as annoying as Bella did with all that crap. Oh I’m not attractive, you’re so much more attractive blah blah blah. Why did that book consist of nothing but them talking about how attractive they were/weren’t? Show me one male creature in this world that is slightly attractive and doesn’t know it.
You go ahead and show me.
5. He fell in love with a girl he wanted to eat.
How he went from FOOD to LOVE….this I’m still not clear on. And quiet frankly if I had to hear him say how selfish he was one more time…someone SOMEONE was going to die. “I know I should leave you but I can’t because I’m selfish.”
*cocks gun**points it as Edward fucking Cullen’s head**pulls trigger**watches his sparkly brains fly around the room like a shattered disco ball*
6. Mr. Oh so wonderful was mentally abusive.
Mhmm oh yeah guys. He was. He told her who to hang out with, forced her to do things she didn’t want to do. Left her in deep dark depression than came back and demanded she marry him. Yay for romanticized abuse.
7. He snuck into her room at night while Bella was sleeping.
This alone creeped me out. What bothered me even more was her lack of…alarm at this. I don’t care how hot the guy was; if he was coming into my room at night with out my permission….that would be the time for a restraining order.
8. He eats animals. …..……………..
GAY! OH COME ON. YOU’RE A VAMPIRE FOR CRIPES SAKE. The Cullen’s were to be honest, fucking losers. No wonder the other vampires didn’t want to be seen associating with them. Say it with me. Lo-serrrrrssssss.
He was hot. He was beautiful. His voice was like melted honey (exact quote. And anyways isn’t honey already a liquid? How can you melt it?). His eyes were liquid topaz (what?), his eyes his eyes his eyes (once again what?) It seemed like the series was so superficial and obsessed over Edwards look that Meyer hardly paid any attention to him as a character.
And this is why Edward Cullen is the lamest vampire in the history of vampires.
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Comments: 519
are u from the uk..........chap?
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He sneaks into Bella's room and watches her sleep.
So its okay for him to do it, but not serial killers.
Whatever, cuz, you know....
THEY SPARKLE!
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Jingle Bells, Twilight Smells, Edward Ran Away..
Bella died, Jacob cried, Potter all the way!
Hey!
Sorry if you don't like Harry Potter...
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I don't (although more from overexposure and fangirls than because it's bad... Harry Potter is not bad) and this is great 
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I agree with this wholeheartedly. even 'count spankulot' from 'kids next door' makes a better vampire.
really, the only scene in the first movie I liked was the baseball scene. everything else.....meh. I refuse to watch another one of these movies again.
hell, even the actors/actresses hate the movies. look it up.
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THANK YOU MORE MAKING THIS!!! *hugs* I knew he was stupid, but abusive?! Why do people like this guy!!!
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Finally somebody's thinking straight. Thank you.
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if the author had paid attention to Edward's character, we might have ended up with something good, but I guess we can't have nice things. I have found solace in other (better written) vampire characters
-Alucard (Hellsing manga, Hellsing anime, and Hellsing Ultimate)
-Kaname Kuran (Vampire Knight)
-Vlad Tepes III (Dracula Untold)
-any vampire from Shiki
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The Scarlets (Touhou) kicks the Cullens' ass. Nuff said.
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Agreed. Flandre and Remilia are awesome.
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Those two can kick the entire Cullens' ass any day~ In fact, I really do wanna know what happens when the Scarlet sisters and the family of failpires engage in a battle...
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I'd argue against this, but you're so obviously fucking stupid that is really wouldn't even matter at this point because you'd probably ignore every drop of it to continue feeding your raging and unnecessary hate of the series like every other socially awkward teen that tries to be different by talking down to everything new.
Seeya bitch! ^u~
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Argue with me, then, because I'll listen.
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If you're going to fall for a vampire, don't fall for Edward Cullen. Love John Mitchell from Being Human, he kicks Edward Cullen's ass.
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*Dramatic clap clap* I love this, it made me laugh so hard. XD
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Edward isn't a vampire! HE IS A SPARKLE FAIRY PRINCESS WITH SERIOUS DIET ISSUES!
And besides my ranting of Tooth Fairy (*Edward*) that could go on for days, this made me laugh and I love it!
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he's a fairy with a chastity belt
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XD I... I can't breath! You just made my night! XD
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"This is the skin of a killer..." or whatever...
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A bit late, but good job! I agree. I used to love Twilight, but not so much anymore. I mean, at all. Bella has no personality, marries right after high school, cuts off all contact with her friends, skips college/university, has a baby at 18, and is just wru;gawrghworgh and is a horrible stereotype, saying that all females are weak and stupid. u9iorhyeghrgh.
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This made me laugh.
As someone who enjoyed all of the books, I admit, all of your points are valid.
I've read a lot of anti-twilight rants, but this is by far the most convincing and accurate.
I especially liked number 4.
"Show me one male creature in this world that is slightly attractive and doesn’t know it.
You go ahead and show me." Haha.
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I laughed when I read Meyer's description of Edward in the books. I am really hoping that she's merely some epic troll. If not... it's time to send her to a mental institution. Or at least literary school.
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lol i totally know where you are coming from. i really tried to like edward and bella, but i just couldn't. it was disgusting. i mean...carslise was scarier then edward! wtf! he was a sweet doctor and he was more scary!
i kinda liked the whole take on the animal blood, but she went waaaaaay to deep with that. i mean, were the eyes nessicarry? and the fact that they take on characteristics of the animal they perfer to eat? doesn't that mean that the vamps that eat humans should take on characteristics of humans and therefor make them less savage and the ones that eat animals more savage?!
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i just have to say that while everyone is entitled to there own opinnion, i have to parshly disagree with you.1) I agree the author could have made daylight rings or something, but she wanted to try something original. People can relate to the characters on a personal level. thats why most people like the books.
2) there was a part were he attached her but it was short, when they were kissing.... in her room 3) he didnt want to hurt her but his love was driving him to madness, normal vampire human love story...hello?! 4) most people are unaware that they are beautiful.... 5) again most vampire romances... 6) not true.... 7) alot of fans are stackers to.... 8) are you calling people who are vegans "gay"?
now i agree with you on some of your points.. but still... you try to make a very VERY famous book that they make into movies and call me when that happens... then we can talk about all the stuipid parts in your book. Stepheni Meyer had a wonderful sence in creativity and wanted to share it with the world... you cant judge her for that... and im sure there are FAR worse/stuipid vampires, just because edward sparkles doesnt mean you cant like him as a character. but thank you for your opinion : )
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Well I thank you for phrasing your comment in a nice way I have to disagree with your disagreements. And I'll clearly tell you why.
1.) Just because someone tries something original does not mean that it was a good idea. I do not think her act of 'trying something different' was stupid. It was what she thought of that was stupid. As someone who was obsessed with vampires pre-twilight days, I was absolutely horrified and offended that she took the dark gothic creatures of my dreams and made it SPARKLE.
And your observation that people can relate to the characters is wrong. As a psychology student, I know for a fact that the reason why people relate to this garbage is because it's fantasy that they can never obtain. Which is why SO MANY people HATE her books. They can't relate to the characters. She didn't develop any characters. She made walking talking mannequins who suit her purposes look wise and stuck them in some warped love story.
2.) When I said attack I should have been more specific. A more 'realistic' take on that would have been such a horrifying moment that she actually SECOND GUESSED her choice to be with him. That's what normal people do. We all second guess ourselves. It makes us human. Just another flaw in meyers inability to create personality in her characters.
3.) Normal vampire human love story? ...hello?! Completely contradicts your earlier statement that she was original. Which is it? There are quite a lot of vampire human love stories that don't give me a headache. I would know. I've read them.
4. Psychology comes into play here again. Most people actually do know they're beautiful. Most beautiful people who claim they don't know they're beautiful are usually seeking attention and reassurance. There are people who have been so warped by trauma that they are unaware of their attractiveness. But they are a select few. And I also specified male. Which statistically is even LOWER.
5.) Again not most vampire human love stories. You should say most vampire human love stories written AFTER twilight. Would be much more accurate.
6.) Was actually very true. Take a psychology class or two. In my last class, the teacher actually had us dissect twilight-books and movies to build a strong case against Edward and show how he was mentally abusive to Bella. Then we had to write a thesis on how todays modern literature and media is actually romanticizing abuse and setting the feminist movement back about 80 years or so. Twilight was the top of the list.
7.) Yea and they usually get arrested.
8.)I'm vegan. So no I'm not insulting myself. Meyer's was just trying to make her vampires more 'human' or less evil. As someone who is vegan and anti killing any sort of animal, I would have preferred if he killed the humans. Case in point it wasn't very well thought out.
Just because something is famous doesn't give it any leverage on the playing field of literature. I know plenty of unpublished or less known authors that deserve that fame 1000 times more than meyers. She got lucky. Getting lucky doesn't equal talent. And just because Edward sparkles is not my sole reason for not liking him. Being the 7 other points I have outlined in this article.
Thank you,
Harlequinbeautie
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Stephanie Meyer is not creative. I will congratulate her, however, by taking very cool paranormal species (vampires and werewolves) and sucking EVERY FRIGGING OUNCE of coolness out of them.
And I'm sorry "normal vampire human love story"? I'm genuinely curious, what other vampire books have you read? Have you read Interviews with a Vampire, Dracula, Queen of the Damned, anything!?
Because Dracula did not drive himself crazy. Dracula snatched two women, mercilessly slaughtered one of them, and metaphorically raped the other one, forcing her fiancee to kill her himself. He did not sparkle. He did not angst. He was a complete villain, not portrayed as the "perfect" man.
And you're right! Most of the things Edward does WOULD classify him as a pretty good secondhand character in a good vampire novel - maybe a sidekick in an Anne Rice book. NOT A LOVE INTEREST. A villain! Not a main character! And ESPECIALLY not if we're constantly being told he's the "perfect" guy, the "perfect" man, the "only man I would want to marry". If you ever encounter a man like Edward, do not marry him. Do not lie around in meadows orgasming on how pwetty his spawkly chest wooks.
I'm sorry. Just ... ugh. There is no creativity in these books, there is not a single GOOD SENTENCE in this book, and I could barely read it without having the urge to stand up and rant at someone for an hour.
And I'm genuinely curious, how do you relate to either a girl who cares nothing for anyone who isn't white, hot, and loaded, or a guy who fantasizes about killing his one true love and thinks of everyone else in the world as "sheep"? How do you relate to that AT ALL!?
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i have read over 25 vampire books in the last year, scratch that half a year thank you! read some stories on here. i was not trying to offend you in any way just to say that love drives some people to madness, to some girls a sexy vampire (something that they could never truly have) is "perfect"
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4. He’s unaware that he’s beautiful.
Now I honestly wonder if he was playing dumb or just… I dunno. But he got as annoying as Bella did with all that crap. Oh I’m not attractive, you’re so much more attractive blah blah blah. Why did that book consist of nothing but them talking about how attractive they were/weren’t? Show me one male creature in this world that is slightly attractive and doesn’t know it.
You go ahead and show me.
My brother, My hot boyfriend and one of my old friends.
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you forgot the fact that he is cinderella's fairy god mother!
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you are sooooooooooooooooo right Edward SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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There are awesome vampires that eat animals. It's his character that makes him suck.
Someone on deviant art has a convincing enough written piece on Twipires being aliens that I just consider them that and save myself the heartbreak.
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You hit the character part on the nose, by the way. Good work.
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Dude, The 1931 black and white Dracula was better then twilight! I'll stick to vampire movies that have vampires bursting into flames when they go out into the sun, drinking blood, and turning into mist, rats, and bats!
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All I have to say is that, you and this rant are amazing and anyone who thinks otherwise can go deal with that somewhere else.
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hes not a vampire. hes a beast who sparkles, eats humans, acts dumb, and abuses women....wow *clap clap clap* thats a real winner
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Let me clear this up for you, I'm 15. No I'm not a twilight fan girl. I love the book, the movie gave the book horrible credits. To be honest Edward isn't attractive, In the book he is. You are obviously the illiterate one. I saw many mistakes in your typing. If you actually read the book attractiveness isn't all they talk about. Stephen Myers is a very good author especially in the Host. You want a good book then start looking and don't hate. It's your opinion. She has the right to make her vampire any way she wants I think it was a good change to the new way vampires are either all hot or want everyone dead. So why don't you take yourself back to school or read the book. Thanks.
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With his amazing Adonis body and sparkling Topaz-y eyes that made Bella Swan the horniest girl on Earth despite the fact that he's dead.
Yeah, GREAAAT characters there.
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stupid pices of shit! vampires don`t spark! he is just gar-bich!
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Vampires aren't read so you cant say that they dont sparkle, we cat say what they do because they aren't real
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To tell the truth, it's just an opinion really, besides, you are right it's fiction and nothing more. I commented about an year ago and I don't really care anymore, I'm not in the fandom so it's not really meaningful to me. There are people that agreed, there are people that disagreed and there are people that just don't give a fuck. I'm actually more concerned about the innocent bypassers that get accidentally caught in the midle of all of this and get spammed to death!
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Sorry I don't pay attention to how long ago it was sent xc
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is this a real vampire/human (or should I say furry)moment?[link]
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I like twilight,but I think that stephine meyer needs to do some editing....
For example,vampires don't sparkle;they burn like crispy chicken.And second,he should of flirted with her and bit her neck when she was alone and that bella should have gave her some skill and not make her almost useless.\\
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