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heymoonhellogoodbye — elegy for yesterday
Published: 2009-12-11 02:59:50 +0000 UTC; Views: 249; Favourites: 8; Downloads: 1
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elegy for yesterdayi.
do you remember turning cartweels and
snatching dragonflies out of the air
like i do?
drawing hopscotch squares in the rubble we called pavement and
picking dandelions like they were
lady's slippers?
long braided hair and running,
thinking you were the fastest
and loving nothing as much as the wind on your face?
catching air kisses in your palm,
tucked into your bed under the glow-in-the-dark stars on your ceiling,
the gentle melodies of your mother's voice
still echoing in your head?
i do.
ii.
but things are different now.
i think it changed when the sun
went away for thirteen days.
i went to school on
the fourteenth day and we all held hands to
rejoice under the weakly shining sun.
no one can do a cartweel anymore and
it seems like the dragonflies
disappeared.
dandelions are just weeds now and i don't
feel bad letting them die.
my hair is too short to braid and
my mother stopped tucking me in when i turned eight.
iii.
death and sadness
aren't just figurative ideas anymore.
it is now impossible to
empty the ocean with a teacup or
weave a gossamer web identical to those of spiders or
find a smile more brilliant than the sun on a
rainy day.
because this is
an elegy for yesterday and
i'm different than i
used to be.
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Comments: 14
i love this so much.
especially the last stanza.
beautiful. just beautiful.
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thank you so much. i really love your poetry and your opinion means a lot. <3
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you're welcome.
well that makes me smile.
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"I'm actually pretty unhappy with this poem because I was trying just to write it, you know, without thinking or planning or trying to make the words forced."
I can't imagine why you're unhappy with this. <3 First of all, I love the title. Elegy, a death song... it's sort of great. And elegy is just a pretty word.
"death and sadness
aren't just figurative ideas anymore." I guess the beauty of this is how well we get the sense of... growing up. Not just growing up, but getting older, and in a way that makes you lose something you had before. I don't know, I can't really explain it, but I think this is lovely.
However, I think what you wanted was critique, so... I'll try. XD
in i.:
"thinking you were the fastest"
I think if you added something else after 'fastest' it would sound better. Like... fastest in the world? fastest... alive? I dunno, but putting another word or so there would make it sound less empty.
in ii.:
I think a little bit of a transition between "rejoice under the weakly shining sun" and "no one can do a cartwheel anymore" (by the way 'cartwheel' has an H XD) would make it flow better. Maybe just add a line there. Something about childishness.
"no one can do a cartwheel anymore."
"dandelions are just weeds now."
"my mother stopped tucking me in when I turned eight."
These are the three most powerful lines in this poem. Possibly some of the most powerful lines I've read in a while. They don't /say/ "I've grown up", not outright, but it's implied gracefully.
Like I said. I think this is great. Good things happen when you don't think or plan. <3
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wow, thank you so much! i agree with all your critiques. and i can't believe i spelled "cartwheel" wrong, wow... i guess my spellcheck doesn't work, haha. thank you again, and thanks so much for the fav!
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Hooray! : D
Haha, it's okay, I make silly typos all the time. Like, it's ridiculous. XD That's what critique is for!
You are quite welcome. <3
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This was written in a really interesting way, with the "i," "ii," + "iii" and all. I never would've thought of doing a poem that way. Shows how far I have to come
Anyway, definitely favorite-ing this. Kind of reminds me of a poem I wrote recently, only better. xD
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thank you! yeah, the idea of using roman numerals just came to me in school randomly. thanks for the fave!
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No problem! It's a cool idea. I've used them to number lists before but using it in this way is very interesting. And you're welcome. :]
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I used to have glow in the dark stars on my ceiling. ;~;
They're in a bag right now on my dresser. I haven't gotten a chance to put them back up.
I still pick dandelions, though! 8D
Amazing.
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I still have glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling but they don't glow as much anymore which is sad.
Thank yooooou. It was really random and not really well written but that's okay.
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I love it, but you knew that, i just told you. God bless G-MAIL. also, this is like meloncholy, dude!! not your poem, but the word. bitter sweet. the 3rd awesome-est word in the dictionary, right under eloquence and flabberghasted
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aw thanks. yeah i was trying to go for bittersweet... idk.
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yeah. you achieved it
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