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Description
(Episode opens on the Blue Team base)
Scout: "THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT! I'M DONE! I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH THIS ENDLESS TURF-WAR! A MAN CAN ONLY BE SUBJECTED TO SO MANY GRUESOME DEATHS, MAIMINGS, AND PORNOGRAPHIC PICTURES OF HIS OWN MOTHER BEFORE HE FINALLY SNAPS!"
Soldier: "Now hold it right there, boy, you can't just abandon your troops at the drop of a hat!"
Scout: "My hat wasn't dropped! It was ripped off my head by a Red Heavy and shoved so far up my nose, it basically plopped right onto my brain! Have you ever felt a hat on your brain!? HAVE YOU!?"
Medic: "Zat was a beautiful operation I did. You vant your hat back?"
Scout: "Oh, oh yeah, sure I can't get the blood-stains and brain juice out of it, no matter how much I scrub it with a sponge coated in sulphuric [CENSORED] acid, but hey, what the heck!? PUT THE HAT BACK ON ME!"
Pyro: "But I wanted it."
Scout: (Slaps on another hat)"Well you can have it, BECAUSE I QUIT!"
Soldier: "Oh no, you don't! Look, Son...(Inspirational music plays)We may not look, act, think, or smell like a team, but at the end of the day, we are. We all signed that Builders League United contract together, and then we signed the shady 'Immortality Until This War Between Two Old Men We Only Care About Because They Pay Us' contract the creepy radio demon that was whispering evil thoughts into the Mann Brothers' ears gave us, together! We are a well-oiled machine, one that manufactures victory, but only when our proverbial gears are meshing together, in sweet, loud, hard-to-sleep-through, air-smogging harmony, can we achieve that victory. Are you prepared to walk out on this, and leave us one gear short? Because they don't make gears like us anymore, boy, and if a gear walks out, it'll look really stupid, because gears don't have le-"
Medic: "He walked out before you even mentioned the first contract."
Soldier: "DAMMIT! DAMN HIM AND HIS SPEED!"
Pyro: "Actually, he was walking out pretty slowly, you just didn't notice. Which is weird because you were staring right at him."
Soldier: "Why didn't either of you stop him!?"
Medic: "I vent to ze bathroom while you did zat speech, I honestly didn't think you'd still be talking ven I got out, but my-oh-my, vas I wrong!"
Pyro: "And I didn't stop him because if he thinks leaving this beautiful land of unicorns and rainbows will make him happy, why stop him? I'm just gonna let him do what he wants, and cry under these goggles until he comes back!"(Laughs into the Medic's shoulder)
(Cuts to Scout walking out of the base)
Scout: "It is gonna be so satisfying to finally leave all this behind, and pursue an actual career! No more 'Scout, protect the point from an Uber-Charged Heavy!', no more 'Scout, help push this 80-ton cart!', and sure-as-hell, no more 'Scout, Demoman is drunk and got his head stuck in the storm drain! We need you to either grab him by his unwashed underpants and pull 'til your arms break off, or go down into the filthy sewers and push his head, despite the fact that his breath is borderline lethal!', just me and my new, dream career!"

(Cuts to a porn studio)
Scout: "So my plan to be a leg-breaker for the mafia didn't go over so well, so I'm goin' up with my back-up dream. Got any openings?"
(Cuts to Scout putting his bag in a locker at a retail store)
Scout: "They couldn't afford me anyway. So where's the manager around here?"
(An ugly man is standing right behind him)
Manager: (In a creepy voice)"I see you saw the flier..."
Scout: "DEAR MOTHER OF-What the hell!?"
Manager: "Hello there, I am the Manager of this fine establishment, and I would like to welcome you into our workforce. Our previous best employee, Lester, is sadly missing, so we must make due with whoever picks up our fliers. Tell me, what skills do you possess?"
Scout: "Well, I can run like hell a-"
Manager: "Are your arms working?"
Scout: "............Well, I opened that locker and put my junk inside it, so what do you think?"
Manager: "Screw it, good enough, you're hired. I trust you won't disappoint me.(Leans in towards Scout, personal space be damned)The other managers from other stores are here today, I don't like being embaressed, Jeremy."
Scout: "I didn't tell you my na-"
Manager: "I'll be in my office.(Slowly walks to his office, while still facing Scout)Away I go. Don't mind me."
Scout: "............Maybe I can get a job where people pay me to let them break my legs....."
???: "OH MERCY ALIVE, GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU ANIMAlS!"
Scout: "The hell?"
Jimmy: (Is running like hell towards the locker room)"TOUCH ME AND I'LL PUT YOUR SKIN THROUGH THE WRINGER!(Bursts into the locker room)Oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm alive...."
Scout: "Uh, you okay there, man?(Jimmy vomits)Oh wow."
Jimmy: "I can't take it anymore, man...The rude customers, the endless restocking, the S[POOTIS]T-STAINS!"
Scout: "Interesting working conditions."
Jimmy: "I'm through! I'm done! No more! Look, it's up to you now! There's still some shelves that need to be restocked! Here're some notes! If the manager asks, the mafia took me!"(Jumps out the window)
Scout: "...........What?(Sees an employee-of-the-month picture for...)Lester, eh? Well, ya better watch out buddy, 'cause I'm takin' your cred. You'll be so obselete, you'll have to go into hid-(Sees a missing poster of Lester right next to it)Oh..."

(The Scout heads out checking the note)
Scout: "Huh, these seem helpful."
Note: (With skulls drawn around it)"I HATE MY LIFE! FUCK MY LIFE! FUCK THIS PLACE! FUCK THAT BABY! (Not like that, you perverts) FUCK EVERYONE! I WANNA DIE!"
Scout: "Now then, I just gotta find some boxes an-Oh, there it is, in the middle o' this aisle. I just gotta-"
Old Lady Consumor: (Charges at Scout)"Excuse me..."
Scout: "EEK!"(Fires shotgun and a thud is heard)
Manager: (Over speakers)"It has come to my attention that this store has had to clean up another dead body, so I would like to remind all employees not to kill the customers."

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

If you don't know, Night Of The Consumers is a horror-game where you face the kind of Hell only the bravest of humanity can endure, working retail. Trust me, if you play, or watch someone play this game(Like I have), you will learn to fear the phrase "Excuse me!" Really though, the only horror is how cruel and ugly the consumers are, right? It's just a mundane job through the eyes of horror, nothing dangerous, right? Ehehehehe....heh...uh...ahem...

To be updated.
Free to use.
Night Of The Consumers(c)GERMFOOD
Team Fortress 2(c)Valve

Description
(Episode opens on the Blue Team base)
Scout: "THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT! I'M DONE! I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH THIS ENDLESS TURF-WAR! A MAN CAN ONLY BE SUBJECTED TO SO MANY GRUESOME DEATHS, MAIMINGS, AND PORNOGRAPHIC PICTURES OF HIS OWN MOTHER BEFORE HE FINALLY SNAPS!"
Soldier: "Now hold it right there, boy, you can't just abandon your troops at the drop of a hat!"
Scout: "My hat wasn't dropped! It was ripped off my head by a Red Heavy and shoved so far up my nose, it basically plopped right onto my brain! Have you ever felt a hat on your brain!? HAVE YOU!?"
Medic: "Zat was a beautiful operation I did. You vant your hat back?"
Scout: "Oh, oh yeah, sure I can't get the blood-stains and brain juice out of it, no matter how much I scrub it with a sponge coated in sulphuric [CENSORED] acid, but hey, what the heck!? PUT THE HAT BACK ON ME!"
Pyro: "But I wanted it."
Scout: (Slaps on another hat)"Well you can have it, BECAUSE I QUIT!"
Soldier: "Oh no, you don't! Look, Son...(Inspirational music plays)We may not look, act, think, or smell like a team, but at the end of the day, we are. We all signed that Builders League United contract together, and then we signed the shady 'Immortality Until This War Between Two Old Men We Only Care About Because They Pay Us' contract the creepy radio demon that was whispering evil thoughts into the Mann Brothers' ears gave us, together! We are a well-oiled machine, one that manufactures victory, but only when our proverbial gears are meshing together, in sweet, loud, hard-to-sleep-through, air-smogging harmony, can we achieve that victory. Are you prepared to walk out on this, and leave us one gear short? Because they don't make gears like us anymore, boy, and if a gear walks out, it'll look really stupid, because gears don't have le-"
Medic: "He walked out before you even mentioned the first contract."
Soldier: "DAMMIT! DAMN HIM AND HIS SPEED!"
Pyro: "Actually, he was walking out pretty slowly, you just didn't notice. Which is weird because you were staring right at him."
Soldier: "Why didn't either of you stop him!?"
Medic: "I vent to ze bathroom while you did zat speech, I honestly didn't think you'd still be talking ven I got out, but my-oh-my, vas I wrong!"
Pyro: "And I didn't stop him because if he thinks leaving this beautiful land of unicorns and rainbows will make him happy, why stop him? I'm just gonna let him do what he wants, and cry under these goggles until he comes back!"(Laughs into the Medic's shoulder)
(Cuts to Scout walking out of the base)
Scout: "It is gonna be so satisfying to finally leave all this behind, and pursue an actual career! No more 'Scout, protect the point from an Uber-Charged Heavy!', no more 'Scout, help push this 80-ton cart!', and sure-as-hell, no more 'Scout, Demoman is drunk and got his head stuck in the storm drain! We need you to either grab him by his unwashed underpants and pull 'til your arms break off, or go down into the filthy sewers and push his head, despite the fact that his breath is borderline lethal!', just me and my new, dream career!"

(Cuts to a porn studio)
Scout: "So my plan to be a leg-breaker for the mafia didn't go over so well, so I'm goin' up with my back-up dream. Got any openings?"
(Cuts to Scout putting his bag in a locker at a retail store)
Scout: "They couldn't afford me anyway. So where's the manager around here?"
(An ugly man is standing right behind him)
Manager: (In a creepy voice)"I see you saw the flier..."
Scout: "DEAR MOTHER OF-What the hell!?"
Manager: "Hello there, I am the Manager of this fine establishment, and I would like to welcome you into our workforce. Our previous best employee, Lester, is sadly missing, so we must make due with whoever picks up our fliers. Tell me, what skills do you possess?"
Scout: "Well, I can run like hell a-"
Manager: "Are your arms working?"
Scout: "............Well, I opened that locker and put my junk inside it, so what do you think?"
Manager: "Screw it, good enough, you're hired. I trust you won't disappoint me.(Leans in towards Scout, personal space be damned)The other managers from other stores are here today, I don't like being embaressed, Jeremy."
Scout: "I didn't tell you my na-"
Manager: "I'll be in my office.(Slowly walks to his office, while still facing Scout)Away I go. Don't mind me."
Scout: "............Maybe I can get a job where people pay me to let them break my legs....."
???: "OH MERCY ALIVE, GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU ANIMAlS!"
Scout: "The hell?"
Jimmy: (Is running like hell towards the locker room)"TOUCH ME AND I'LL PUT YOUR SKIN THROUGH THE WRINGER!(Bursts into the locker room)Oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm alive...."
Scout: "Uh, you okay there, man?(Jimmy vomits)Oh wow."
Jimmy: "I can't take it anymore, man...The rude customers, the endless restocking, the S[POOTIS]T-STAINS!"
Scout: "Interesting working conditions."
Jimmy: "I'm through! I'm done! No more! Look, it's up to you now! There's still some shelves that need to be restocked! Here're some notes! If the manager asks, the mafia took me!"(Jumps out the window)
Scout: "...........What?(Sees an employee-of-the-month picture for...)Lester, eh? Well, ya better watch out buddy, 'cause I'm takin' your cred. You'll be so obselete, you'll have to go into hid-(Sees a missing poster of Lester right next to it)Oh..."

(The Scout heads out checking the note)
Scout: "Huh, these seem helpful."
Note: (With skulls drawn around it)"I HATE MY LIFE! FUCK MY LIFE! FUCK THIS PLACE! FUCK THAT BABY! (Not like that, you perverts) FUCK EVERYONE! I WANNA DIE!"
Scout: "Now then, I just gotta find some boxes an-Oh, there it is, in the middle o' this aisle. I just gotta-"
Old Lady Consumor: (Charges at Scout)"Excuse me..."
Scout: "EEK!"(Fires shotgun and a thud is heard)
Manager: (Over speakers)"It has come to my attention that this store has had to clean up another dead body, so I would like to remind all employees not to kill the customers."

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

If you don't know, Night Of The Consumers is a horror-game where you face the kind of Hell only the bravest of humanity can endure, working retail. Trust me, if you play, or watch someone play this game(Like I have), you will learn to fear the phrase "Excuse me!" Really though, the only horror is how cruel and ugly the consumers are, right? It's just a mundane job through the eyes of horror, nothing dangerous, right? Ehehehehe....heh...uh...ahem...

To be updated.
Free to use.
Night Of The Consumers(c)GERMFOOD
Team Fortress 2(c)Valve