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Description
Valentine’s Day is named after a martyr who was condemned to be beaten with clubs and beheaded. It was only natural that this day would become associated with romance and dating.

Now don’t take the above observation wrong. I am not envious [lie] or bitter [bigger lie] toward all those that love Valentine’s Day. I have very well accepted the fact [curse] that while you couples may be out having a splendid night [backseat], some of us more unfortunate [ugly] people will be spending a quiet evening at dinner [binging off discount chocolate], reading [sobbing], or talking on the phone [“Hello, crisis hotline?”]. I know that I, for one, will be having a thrilling time waiting to see if I received any valentines from fictional neighbors in my GameCube game [really].

I just find it amusing that we have reserved a specific day for loved ones to show affection to each other. It’s not like anyone says, “You know I love you honey. I’m just saving up for Valentine’s Day.” Just take a look around the campus at any time of year and you’ll find enough public displays of affection to create a public display of your lunch. Just last week I witnessed a couple near the art museum staring into each other’s eyes, lips slightly parted in a lustful “catch of the day” fashion. As little droplets of wanton desire condensed in the air between them, they slowly leaned in and: smoooooooch!

You could hear the sucking—an almost Looney Toons-like quality—from across the traffic circle. I swear I saw St. Vincent’s cheeks rust.

I long for the simpler days of Valentine; those special times in grade school when there was no pain, no fear, no mutual cheek swabbing. Your only commitment consisted of you, a list of your classmates, and a tall stack of your favorite cartoon-sponsored valentine cards. One hour of licking envelopes and you had instant disposable love for everyone. But even then you could still get away with giving the card of your coolest cartoon character to that special someone you wished to court. Which reminds me: Bethany, if you’re reading this, I gave you my Michelangelo, baby! What more of a sign were you looking for?!

But alas, those days are no more. The stakes have become high, and you share a lot more than just a cupcake in the cafeteria. So while you’re out there this Valentine’s Day, please don’t say or do anything stupid, or at least nothing you would think twice of doing on any other day. Why? Because there’s a February 15th, and you’ll want your head on your shoulders to see it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment to keep with some lovely ladies [Golden Girls].

Description
Valentine’s Day is named after a martyr who was condemned to be beaten with clubs and beheaded. It was only natural that this day would become associated with romance and dating.

Now don’t take the above observation wrong. I am not envious [lie] or bitter [bigger lie] toward all those that love Valentine’s Day. I have very well accepted the fact [curse] that while you couples may be out having a splendid night [backseat], some of us more unfortunate [ugly] people will be spending a quiet evening at dinner [binging off discount chocolate], reading [sobbing], or talking on the phone [“Hello, crisis hotline?”]. I know that I, for one, will be having a thrilling time waiting to see if I received any valentines from fictional neighbors in my GameCube game [really].

I just find it amusing that we have reserved a specific day for loved ones to show affection to each other. It’s not like anyone says, “You know I love you honey. I’m just saving up for Valentine’s Day.” Just take a look around the campus at any time of year and you’ll find enough public displays of affection to create a public display of your lunch. Just last week I witnessed a couple near the art museum staring into each other’s eyes, lips slightly parted in a lustful “catch of the day” fashion. As little droplets of wanton desire condensed in the air between them, they slowly leaned in and: smoooooooch!

You could hear the sucking—an almost Looney Toons-like quality—from across the traffic circle. I swear I saw St. Vincent’s cheeks rust.

I long for the simpler days of Valentine; those special times in grade school when there was no pain, no fear, no mutual cheek swabbing. Your only commitment consisted of you, a list of your classmates, and a tall stack of your favorite cartoon-sponsored valentine cards. One hour of licking envelopes and you had instant disposable love for everyone. But even then you could still get away with giving the card of your coolest cartoon character to that special someone you wished to court. Which reminds me: Bethany, if you’re reading this, I gave you my Michelangelo, baby! What more of a sign were you looking for?!

But alas, those days are no more. The stakes have become high, and you share a lot more than just a cupcake in the cafeteria. So while you’re out there this Valentine’s Day, please don’t say or do anything stupid, or at least nothing you would think twice of doing on any other day. Why? Because there’s a February 15th, and you’ll want your head on your shoulders to see it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment to keep with some lovely ladies [Golden Girls].