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ImOneOfThosePeople — Escape: Contest Entry
Published: 2011-10-04 23:50:03 +0000 UTC; Views: 319; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 4
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Description Escape

Sweat slicked bodies slammed against the bars of their titanium cages as the train rattled and roared its way Westward. In the car that held the creatures, it was blacker than a pupil and hotter than the blood running through their veins.

They all knew where they were going: to a place called the Bellows where they would be thrown into a well of flames, their bodies melted into unrecognizable goo that would be sold at the local market as "Specialized Fertilizer." It's what happened to most of the unlucky prisoners these days; the jails were too full and couldn't hold them all. It didn't matter how petty the crime; if a creature was unlucky enough to be in a certain jail block scheduled to be shipped out, that was that. It didn't matter if you'd been caught jaywalking or littering; the Bellow's had no preference.

It was that such fate that happened upon Kasey Cyss.

Unlike everyone else though, he wasn't throwing himself against the bars. Instead, he was slowly working one of the bars of his cage back and forth. It was loose. And if he just kept working it, it would slide out of the niche and he could squeeze himself through the gap. After that, he didn't really have a plan, but he was good at making things up as we went along.

That was half of what had gotten him into jail. But he didn't regret killing those men; it had been to save the life of another. His chest burned with the memory. It was still inconceivable that he had been denied a fair trial. He wasn't a criminal. He was a father and a good citizen.

"Come on," he muttered, drawing his lips back from sharp fangs and putting a little more speed and strength behind his pushing. The train growled and snarled beneath him, as if it were trying to tell the guards what he was doing. This train, as Kasey saw it, was a monster whose only purpose was the delivery of helpless creatures to their deaths. It was a relatively new addition to the world; some said it was a lifesaving force because of the speed and convenience of shipping goods.

What they didn't talk about was how thousands had been relocated because the government had wanted to build a railway line through their towns. And, of course, there were few that knew about the fate of unlucky prisoners.

The bar slid from the niche with a clang. Kasey grinned and worked it out a little more. His keen eyes darted around the room, but there was no one there to stop him. He fit his lean body through the gap and wiggled.  He was a little bigger than the hole allowed. He swore as his ribs cracked, sending shooting pains along his spine. There would be some massive bruises, he was sure.

But a few more wouldn't matter.

His body slipped free and he kicked himself away from the infernal cage. On silent paws, he darted in-between the other cages, deaf to the pleas of others. It wasn't that he didn't particularly care about them, but survival was foremost in his mind…

…as well as his family.

He'd been gone for almost a year. It was impossible to know how they were getting on.

His eyes, perfect for the darkness, found the door easily. His claws gripped the handle and turned. It wouldn't budge.

Kasey, growled, low in his throat. "You gotta be kidding me." He slammed his shoulder into it; the door held—another bruise was added.

Rubbing his shoulder, he backed up and took another look around. There was a latch on the ceiling. Studying it, Kasey realized that it must lead to the roof. He'd be able to bypass all the guards and scout out the best place to make his jump.

Kasey pulled himself up onto a wooden crate, digging his nails in for better stability. His last meal had been over two days ago and the strain was hitting his body hard. An hour earlier, they'd been given a bowl of dirty water. It had been enough to give him the energy to put his escape into action.

He leapt onto a taller crate, which wobbled at the added weight. His arms went out for balance and a very unmanly whimper escaped him.

Being directly under the latch, he stood on his toes, grabbed the latch, and pulled. It came down surprisingly easy, almost catching him against his head.
Kasey was immediately assaulted by freezing, night air. He wrinkled his nose. His rags were not going to be much use in the early winter. He would have to find the nearest place to grab some more than his clothes.

He jumped, catching the edge and hulling himself up into the biting wind. It took a lot out of him just to do that. He was growing weaker. Gritting his teeth, he pulled himself up to a crouch. The air was tearing at him, pulling at his dirty, blonde hair as if trying to push him back into that stinking hole. When he breathed, it felt like jagged strands of razor-wire were cutting into his throat.

His paws found a sturdy grip and he cautiously looked out over the landscape. From the bright moonlight, he could make out a vast expanse of fields with smudges of tree groves.

Things couldn't have been more perfect-well, they could, but with the situation as it was, it was pretty damn good.

Kasey allowed himself to remember the faces of his twin sons. What would they look like now? Would their fangs have grown in all the way? Were they talking? Had his fiancé succeeded in potty training them on her own? He smiled. He would see them soon and he would swipe them both up in his arms and kiss them all over their grimy, dirty faces.

And then he'd do the same thing to his fiancé, albeit with a few added things. He could already feel her warm body pressed against his.

The monster shuddered and growled, long and slow.

"That's right, you ugly bastard. You're not getting me." Kasey muttered. After catching his  breath, he set about looking for a way of escape. He'd kill himself if he just jumped. But if he waited until the train slowed, he'd make the jump and get away with his life.

As if reading his mind, the train let out a chuckle and raced to a greater speed. Biting the inside of his cheek, he considered his other options. He could chance the guards on the lower levels. If he were just a little lower, he could still jump and make it.

For his family, he's take any risk.

That was the kind of man he was. He just had to keep telling himself that.

Scooting to the edge, he peered over. Along the catwalk, he would only make out one light from a guard three cars down. Kasey jumped and landed softly, but his toe caught between two metal rivets, sending him against the railing; he nearly went over.

He gave the guard a panicked glance, but the light was moving away from him. Swallowing hard, he faced the field they were racing by. He was sure he could make it now without harming himself in the leap. Setting his foot on the railing, he closed his eyes, said a quick prayer to whatever deity would listen, and threw himself from the train.

The monster gave a shrieking whistle, which Kasey barely heard as he hit the ground and rolled, slamming his ribs and head into the ground again and again. The grass barely cushioned the fall and the more he tumbled, the more he hated himself for his decision. Dirt clogged his nostrils, along with blood. He could taste it.

His crumpled body came to a halt in the tall grass of a slushy marsh and he wobbled to his hands and knees, coughing up blood and grass.

Placing his forehead to the ground, he waited until the world stopped spinning and the cold numbed most of the pain before even attempting to look up. If there were anything in his stomach, he would have thrown it up.

After awhile, he didn't know how long, he was finally able to stand. The blood had stopped trickling from his nose and mouth and he whipped it from his fur. Exhaustion was really taking a toll now. Luckily, the sky was clear enough to be able to navigate by the stars. If he was right, he was about two days march from his town.

He could make it that long.

Kasey began walking. The grass beneath his feet was reassuring; better than the concrete and metal of the train. He never wanted to go back to that monster. The smell was still all around him and he wasn't sure if he'd ever get wash the scent from his fur. The jail was preferable to it.

Half the night slipped away and the sun sank a little lower. He figured he was making good ground Southward. Each step was becoming just a little more painful, though. He had to wrap an arm around his ribs; it felt like they were rattling around loose, stabbing his lungs every time he took a breath.

The cold had begun to wane; he couldn't even feel it anymore. He even felt warm. Was that a good sign?

He stumbled through a grove of pines, moving a little slower to keep from tripping over the roots. After breaking from the cover of the pines, he found himself in a little valley. A cloud had obscured the moon, making him blink. Was he still going the right direction? He wasn't sure. Time was passing in a surreal fashion.

Too busy looking at the sky, he failed to watch his footing. His ankle twisted over something and he fell, landing painfully on his ribs. He yelled out and tried to pull himself up, but his foot was caught on something. The blood in his ears was roaring and he hoped he wouldn't pass out.

Wait.

The moon's light washed over him and where he had landed. He had fallen in the middle of a train track, sandwiched between the rails.

The rumbling in his ears grew steadily louder.

The ground was beginning to shake.

Kasey, whimpered, peering over his shoulder.

He had messed up his directions and had somehow managed to find himself back in the monster's path, this time in front of it. It must have been when he had cut through the pines and lost sight of the moon and stars.

The monster was heading straight towards him, one giant eye leering at him from the head of the beast.

"No! NO!" He screamed, scrambling at the stones and the tresses, trying to unhook his foot from the deadly trap.

Mingled with his yells came the high pitch whistle that sounded all too much a shriek of delight and evil.

"Please, God, no!" His screams mixed with the scream of victory as the monster bore down on him and snatched him up…

…like it owned him.
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Comments: 4

KippoTec [2011-11-17 06:58:26 +0000 UTC]

Your first words were certainly intriguing, although I totally pictured another scenario cropping up when I first read them. lolihaveadirtymindsometimes

I totally read through the whole thing before I checked the link to see the entry image.

And suddenly I liked this a lot more than I already did.

Yeah, it's got some bumpy edges, but I totally saw why you wrote everything the way you did. I think we have very similar mindsets when approaching writing.


Oh god, when you described the (plenty) of ways the poor guy got hurt during his escapade...I cringed. So many times. I got to the point when I was conscious of my own ribs and toes and ankles and didn't want to think about how they moved inside my body. Ew.

As far as your goal of establishing emotional impact...I honestly read most of this as an action-oriented piece, up until the very end. I loved the end. It was genuinely creepy, and I want to know if our furry little friend lived through it! I think the end carried most of the emotional punch, which hit hard, if not a bit rough, since like I said, the rest of the piece seemed of a different tone. To me, at least. It wasn't in-congruent with the rest of the story though; your comparisons of the train to a terrifying beast made the last lines make sense, so I totally see your logic there too.


I think this would deserve another look-over in a couple of months, and an effort for revision. I've noticed that sometimes a piece needs to be left alone before it can be revised, and if not for the contest, I think you should work on it more anyway. I really did like it. I especially want to know what happened after the train hit, dammit!

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ImOneOfThosePeople In reply to KippoTec [2011-11-17 18:15:43 +0000 UTC]

Holycrapnotexpectingacomment.

The grimy details are the best! /lolyou'renottheonlyone/

I can't even call my approach a mindset, bahah, it's more like I dream up the beginning, pick an ending, and just WRITE. And then scrap everything and start again. @-@ It takes me forever to post something. Like, I just finished the first chapter of my current project and deleted it...on purpose.

I also have a really, reeeeeally hard time going back and revising once I've finished something. Example: my last novel, I can't even look at it anymore. A full week of 6+ editing hours does that to me. I'd sooner burn that thing than reread it and find something I've missed. Aha. Maybe in a year-or two-I'll read it again.

I'm really glad my writing could invoke such a response from you! I loved your 'ew' response. XD You picked up on a lot of my strategies for writing this, also. The tone-shift and the way I wanted it to be read with the mindset of constant movement.

Thank you so much for the inspiring words!

And since this contest is already over and there isn't going to be a sequel, I think I'll just tell ya: He died. The train ran 'im over.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

KippoTec In reply to ImOneOfThosePeople [2011-11-20 03:57:00 +0000 UTC]

Well, it's only fair of me to return an eye of critique when you help me out like you do!

Pff, in the words of Dorothy Parker, "I can't write five words but that I change seven" *say thank you literature text book in my lap*

And gawd, I've written three previous revisions of QC before I posted the first chapter onto dA, and I still consider it early on in the process.

And yeah, I've been bothered by my early drafts before too...but I've stopped hating them. I think early drafts are like, unclear visions, and with each revision (lol) your initial glimpse into the story becomes clearer, eventually becoming so clear as to see it in the way you intended it to be seen by others. My problem is the opposite of yours; I can't stop revising. I see it clearer and clearer, but it's not as stark as it is in my mind. It may never be, and that's what drives me to keep writing.



._.

Oh god. What a blunt way to go. D:

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

ImOneOfThosePeople [2011-10-05 01:07:32 +0000 UTC]

Ah, shit.
I hate reading through things and finding mistakes. -_-
It interrupts the flow horribly.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0