Comments: 4
KippoTec [2011-11-17 06:58:26 +0000 UTC]
Your first words were certainly intriguing, although I totally pictured another scenario cropping up when I first read them. lolihaveadirtymindsometimes
I totally read through the whole thing before I checked the link to see the entry image.
And suddenly I liked this a lot more than I already did.
Yeah, it's got some bumpy edges, but I totally saw why you wrote everything the way you did. I think we have very similar mindsets when approaching writing.
Oh god, when you described the (plenty) of ways the poor guy got hurt during his escapade...I cringed. So many times. I got to the point when I was conscious of my own ribs and toes and ankles and didn't want to think about how they moved inside my body. Ew.
As far as your goal of establishing emotional impact...I honestly read most of this as an action-oriented piece, up until the very end. I loved the end. It was genuinely creepy, and I want to know if our furry little friend lived through it! I think the end carried most of the emotional punch, which hit hard, if not a bit rough, since like I said, the rest of the piece seemed of a different tone. To me, at least. It wasn't in-congruent with the rest of the story though; your comparisons of the train to a terrifying beast made the last lines make sense, so I totally see your logic there too.
I think this would deserve another look-over in a couple of months, and an effort for revision. I've noticed that sometimes a piece needs to be left alone before it can be revised, and if not for the contest, I think you should work on it more anyway. I really did like it. I especially want to know what happened after the train hit, dammit!
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KippoTec In reply to ImOneOfThosePeople [2011-11-20 03:57:00 +0000 UTC]
Well, it's only fair of me to return an eye of critique when you help me out like you do!
Pff, in the words of Dorothy Parker, "I can't write five words but that I change seven" *say thank you literature text book in my lap*
And gawd, I've written three previous revisions of QC before I posted the first chapter onto dA, and I still consider it early on in the process.
And yeah, I've been bothered by my early drafts before too...but I've stopped hating them. I think early drafts are like, unclear visions, and with each revision (lol) your initial glimpse into the story becomes clearer, eventually becoming so clear as to see it in the way you intended it to be seen by others. My problem is the opposite of yours; I can't stop revising. I see it clearer and clearer, but it's not as stark as it is in my mind. It may never be, and that's what drives me to keep writing.
._.
Oh god. What a blunt way to go. D:
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ImOneOfThosePeople [2011-10-05 01:07:32 +0000 UTC]
Ah, shit.
I hate reading through things and finding mistakes. -_-
It interrupts the flow horribly.
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