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Implicitly-Chopsy β As You Are
Published: 2010-11-16 22:40:05 +0000 UTC; Views: 493; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 6
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Description
Your spirit runs wildlike a boy in the field
finding worlds within the grass
discovering how to kiss, the girl
you tripped playing tag
climbing mountains with a flag, to plant
on this new peak you made yours
Your testosterone soars
like a bird in the sky
testing your agility on the wind
discovering your limits βbesting
what you had in mind
seemingly hiding timidity behind
determined manhood
Your creativity probes
like grasshoppers' feelers
examining the reasons for life
discovering who you are βyou know
to where you are going do you
know where you are, what
you are most of all?
I would never think of capture
like a hunter on the prowl
approach quietly and marvel at your
discovery of comfort in proximity
capability in permitted touch, received trust
you cannot fail me,
-it's mutual
Your independence roars
like thunder before rain
you shake excess of your hide
discovering again -a need to jump
to leave behind things that tie
your imagination soars
and your spirit runs wild again
Comments: 11
I love this! It's ferocious and piercing.
In the first stanza, the sound of "grass," "kiss," and "tag" together is perfect- like they were meant to fit exactly like that. The comma between kiss and the girl was a little awkward to read though - was there a reason for it?
In stanza two, -besting what you had in mind is probably my favorite part of the whole work. Seemingly sounded a little weak when put together with the whole stanza...but that could be because I'm partially prejudiced toward adverbs. Haha.
I like this poem a lot.. the imagery is full of strength and the finding of it.
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So happy you do! Sometimes it is only when others point out what I did that is see what I did. I worte mostly unconcious but am surely learning to critically look at what I do. This helps AND makes me smile!
the comma was there because I felt a fraction of a second pause between there... doesn't work? take it out? just leave some extra space or get rid of that whole idead of pause?
Thankyou!
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Ahh, true story. I'm glad it helps.
Um. I see why the comma's there, because there's definitely a pause (and it fits). Maybe transfer it to another line, or extra space? --a little bit of a break but not as strong as the comma.
You're very welcome.
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i adore this. so far as interpretation goes, it clearly seems to be a tribute to that animal energy and unstoppable emergent force of as you say, determined manhood. that boundless incomparable curiosity and potential that healthy young males of any species seem to have.
gets 'em in and out of trouble and love and war.
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You hit the nail dead on.
Additionally I hoped it showed the admiration from a certain distance (4th stanza).
But you read it well! thankyou so much for taking the time to comment!
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it does show distance, it has a feel of removed observation. I felt like I was above loking down on or across this man/child's world.
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yes and he can wake up really fast...
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I would love to get mail like this.
I'd smile and remain untouchable for months.
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Maybe one day I'll send it! MAYBE!!!
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pft. That's MY line.
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