Chaues [2011-01-14 17:18:07 +0000 UTC]

Overall

Vision

Originality

Technique

Impact

I'll start with the questions you posted:

First, I don't think anything in this poem is clichéd. The use of outside literature doesn't lends itself to cliché unless you are using it in the method of its original installment. What you did here was reimagine the reason the tin man was searching for his heart, and working with established literature can be one of the hardest things to do, as it lends itself easily to a critical eye. (I liked it)

The word choice is spot on (quite beautiful), and as others have said lyrical. The pacing is good, and there is nothing confusing about it.

That said, I take a little issue with the formating.

It's always hard to judge a poem in free verse, specifically because there are no rules. It leaves decisions purely to the wanton nature of rhyme and reason, but in being able to do whatever one wants it also allows for more aesthetic freedom. That said, I wanted structural consistency. For example:

In the first dialogue the lines

Between being safe
And being sorry?

appear on separate lines. But in the last stanza there appear on the same line. For my dollar, I'd like it to appear the same.

I'll never be safe
I'll never be sorry
But I'll be your (perfect) match.

Likewise, in the last stanza you have the line

Ashes, ashes

set on its on, but in the stanza above you have

fix him, fix him.

embedded in the line. I'd like to see it stand alone, like the "Ashes, ashes" line. It creates aesthetic repetition, as well as a beat for otherwise lyrical lines.

Form aside, I dig the complete picture of a relationship and the implications of what it can do to you, and moreover, that you just have to take that risk because you can't live without it.

The last line, rather than seeming contrived, brings the poem together in a way that I didn't see coming. The entire poem has been a rather personal journey for both the 'paper bag princess' and the 'tin man', but in the last line it's as if shes inviting us all to fall down with them. It makes it personal on a universal level, and that's very accomplished.

Nice work e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s… " width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Smile)"/>

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angel-in-pieces [2011-01-20 22:38:11 +0000 UTC]

I love the allusions in this, and the wordplay. It's cute and quirky, but in a clever, thoughtful way. I particularly liked your use of repetition, it pushes the poem along nicely. The whole thing is just wonderfully balanced.

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WanderingHere [2011-01-14 01:37:35 +0000 UTC]

i thought i'd already d this. but apparently not. so no. not too cliche. i think it's perfect.

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Creature-It [2011-01-13 23:43:30 +0000 UTC]

So, what part of this is supposed to be cliche? XD I think it's sweet.

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secretly-broken [2011-01-13 22:21:27 +0000 UTC]

- I don't think it's clichéd. You presented in a fresh way.
- For me, the format enhanced it. The musical quality made it more pleasant to read and gave the poem a certain innocent quality.
- I didn't find it confusing.
- I love your word choice. It really works.
- Linebreaks seem to work perfectly well.

Really great poem. I enjoyed it very much.

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IceFarie [2011-01-13 20:30:06 +0000 UTC]

-A little bit, but you twist it lovingly, so it's not a bad thing.
-enhances it, definatly.
-no, i understood it
-word choice is wonderful, I enjoyed the rythem to it
-the linebreaks are apprpriate.

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Shining-Ruse [2011-01-13 14:52:55 +0000 UTC]

I absolutely love this poem, for it also tells a story. Truly beautiful piece, and I would love to answer your questions.

I don't think it's too clichéd, in fact I think the small amount of clichés actually improve the writing.
As far as the form goes I think that it enhances it, but it could be considered confusing some.
The poem itself is not confusing, just the form.
The word choice is extravagant, I really love the imagery.
The linebreaks are perfect, they really add to the whole story of it all.

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GrauWeiss [2011-01-13 14:26:42 +0000 UTC]

It's a good poem. It's very musical and highly pleasant to read out loud.

Congratulations.

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PaperDart [2011-01-13 13:36:12 +0000 UTC]

Found this through . I think you have some really excellent imagery here! The basic story idea isn't new, but you tell it in a different way, and I think that avoids the cliche. On the whole, I found that the subscript, and to an extent, the italics, seemed contrived. The brackets used in the subscript sections convey your point sufficiently; for me, the subscript just made it harder to read. I think the italics for dialogue at the end was quite effective, but the earlier italics don't seem to be dialogue, and that reduces the effect later on.

The italics do add to the song-like effect that earlier commenters have mentioned, but it's debatable whether or not that's a good thing. In spoken/read poetry, that song-like effect can very quickly slip into a sing-song effect instead. I wouldn't say it's wrong, but do be aware of it.

The diction and line breaks seem fairly well done to me. Without knowing you or your gallery, I'd be tempted to say that the poem's biggest flaw is that it tries too hard to be different. There's a very good concept and you handle words well, but the whole thing came off as slightly gimmicky.

Hope that's helpful!

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naldo84 [2011-01-13 09:52:58 +0000 UTC]

A tad bit awkward, but it doesn't take away from your work. I enjoyed it, and I look forward to reading more from you.

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aurieth-mynonys [2011-01-13 09:25:21 +0000 UTC]

This is a lovely poem - as someone's already said, the way you've done the repetition and written some of the lines makes it seem lyrical, like it should be a song. I love the references you've used here - tin man and paper bag princess. I was a little distracted by the formatting with the smaller words in parentheses but you've kept it consistent, and it's a bit of rather adorable word play, so I think it's probably fine the way it is. Excellent work.

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ChocolateIsRacist [2010-12-23 05:06:47 +0000 UTC]

Sounds like it could be a song.
If I were a composer, I'd put music to this. Unfortunately, I've never learned to read music . . . Anyhow, I like the way it's worded. Lyrical. And I love the reference to the tin man. And the play-on words. A lovely, quirky little piece. Incendiary. Good word.

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WanderingHere [2010-12-20 00:09:55 +0000 UTC]

i dunno about the formatting, but i love this. and .. man. i just love it.

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purplerfrock [2010-12-19 16:06:48 +0000 UTC]

Ashes ashes
we all fall down

nice one there!

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