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inmyroom — the pile up
Published: 2005-07-24 22:22:53 +0000 UTC; Views: 4044; Favourites: 85; Downloads: 628
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Description
It’s Saturday nightand outside I hear a car engine
coughing out its exhausted smoke.
I am much like that car
except I am too far on the inside
and I have a heart,
I think,
I wish I didn’t most of the time --
like on lonely evenings when my petrol-thoughts
steer themselves out of control
and straight into the wooden floor.
Or when hydrocarbon tears escape through pores,
crawling straight down my cheeks shouting
‘man overboard’
as each droplet jumps from my jaw line.
Or when you are not here,
but I am
and I’m combusting
as you hold a tin-foil star
out of sight
and you tell me even if it’s crumpled
it is still there.
But I do not believe you.
I am suffering from a condition
known as vapour lock, no fuel
is getting to my chest
and your star is cutting my lungs out.
My bones are being crushed
in a head-on collision
with your eyes
and sometimes
I pick up the telephone
and attempt to call you,
but the bland dial tone
reminds me of your voice.
Comments: 74
This is extremely emotive and well-written. I can say nothing more than that.
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good. good structure, good imagery, good lines, good flow, good transish... good damn finish
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I. Am. Speechless.
This is an incredible piece. Beautiful.
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WOW, you write very well. 
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metaphors! Metaphors! Ahhh... gotta love those metaphors.
Okokok.
You did it again...
Speechless. Unmatchable. Ahaha...
hear me quack. dsafkhasl
you ... jumped big.
"while I exhale all this love for you
that’s thudding against my ribs,
cracking down my spine,
waiting for you to come and claim it
though I know you will not."
I've noticed in many poems you write there is something about breathing inside it. I just love the way you describe the process of vacumming air and belching it back out with such niftiness and peachy love. ^_^
good breathe.
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I don't know how you do it, but you always manage to put so much feeling into you writing.
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I read this two ways. I read it as if she is waiting on someone, and he doesn't show up, and as a sex seen. It fits either way.
Great poem again. You make DA worth the visits ^ ^
"as if I’ve lost something inside the cherry pink
and worn-out white of their petals
or my mouth
while I exhale all this love for you
that’s thudding against my ribs,
cracking down my spine,
waiting for you to come and claim it"
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I like the metaphor of the car, very unusual, still it works perfectly, especially as you introduce it so well. Beautiful poem and a fitting picture with it
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very effective imagery, but from the title, I'd be happier if it started here, with this (amended) line:
On lonely evenings my petrol-thoughts
steer themselves out of control
and straight into the wooden floor.
and I'd lose the "and I am" from the end.
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I loved it. it struck home alittle bit...or alot....but ultimately, a fantastic piece. I liked the use of car qualities as compared to your life.
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Great poem. I do not know how to critique poetry, but I know yours is very nice.
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wow, amazing imagery.
and the metaphore that you used for the whole poem was great
very original, very well written
i like it!
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I am much like that car
except I am too far on the inside
and I have a heart,
I think,
though I wish I didn’t most of the time
That part is just amazing!
You have some true talent... you really make me feel the way you feel. There is great emotion and images in this. Keep writing!
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mm
felt you slowly
drop
stutter with the keyboard
this part reminds me of so many things:
and I’m combusting
as you hold a tin-foil star
out of sight
and you tell me even if it’s crumpled
it is still there.
But I do not believe you.
The end is so delicate
& strong
i have noticed
u may be getting stronger
in various ways gal
well done in all aspects
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Thats amazing... The emotions come out so clearly from this poem . . .
It makes me feel like I really am the character in the poem..
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Wow. That was awesome.
Normally, that's all I would say, but since you encourage critiques, I will try to oblige:
In the third line, "it's", to be grammatically correct, should be "its". The former is a contraction of the words "it is", while the latter is a possessive word ("the thing that belongs to it").
About this: "and I have a heart, / I think, / though I wish I didn’t most of the time"... do you mean that you think you have a heart, but wish you didn't, or that you think, but wish you didn't? It's a good line, but rather vague.
Finally, I think, in this context, that "make up" is two words, not one (to my knowledge, "make-up" refers to the stuff that goes on your face).
And I think that about covers it. Hope I helped. Not that much help was needed; the poem was fantastic.
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Beautiful, though melodramatic and......the metaphor feels almost forced sometimes (though I sympathise because most of my work is the same way le sighhhhh)
But I really can feel the poem, which, I suppose, is the most important thing.
*skips*
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wow, your poetry is really astounding, was waiting to see if adding u to devwatch would be as good an idea as i thought it would.
Was very not disappointed.
Your poetry is very touching. Makes me feel a bit
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That's rad, I love it, awesome work!
I sometimes feel like this, it isn't all that great.
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You've chosen a very interesting extended metaphor, and I'm not sure whether I agree with its use. In some places it works well, but things get too specific in places. Talking about subjects like vapor lock makes it really specific and I think it's a little too specific to be used in this piece of poetry.
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wow- i have nothing for adv crit except....
i hate when strangers can make me remember all the things im trying to forget..
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gorgeous emotional writing
I hope you find someone to forever fill that void soon.
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awesome!!! I love these lines...
"My bones are being crushed
in a head-on collision
with your eyes"
so good! beautiful poem. so well written and such awesome imagery and emotion
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This is so amazing! All the different images that you use to express the emotions. Each stanza is so vivid it's like you're standing there feeling it yourself. I'm very impressed!
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very emotinal piece , your a great writer . The depth of this poem is exquisite an well done . I´m not a real fan of poetry but this kind of reminds me of a sonnet because of the structure , I´m sorry if I´m wrong , haven´t gone to school in a while . Grrat piece by the way .
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Forgive me but I have to do this. Vroom Vroooom!
K. Now back to being serious. The way you are able to take motif's and use them in such a technical and elegant way puts myself and most readers in a state of vulnerability. /sheds tear.
Group hug?
.GANGres
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"and sometimes
I pick up the telephone
and attempt to call you,
but the bland dial tone
reminds me of your voice
so I make-up our conversation
in my head -"
^^ you point out such personal hidden truths... so many things you say we all do when alone~ your writing is such a treat. 
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Love the symbolism of the star. And the line,
"I think,
though I wish I didn’t most of the time"
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Usually poetry on here leaves me feeling unchanged but this... this is special. I especially loved the part about the dialing tone. The flow of this was like lying in bed with the windows open on a hot summer night, feeling mechanical as your bones creak and you can't sleep because someone has invaded your head. And I know that feeling well enough.
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great... the emotion is right there.. i feel it.. Fav!
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I like the way it is written and the "metaphors". Nice Work!
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Wow, that was incredibly powerful. I agree with what a lot of other people have said; you manage to keep the car analogy going strong throughout the entire poem without sounding cheesy. Thats a difficult feat to accomplish, especially with a metaphor like a car. :3
Great work overall... worth a fav from me
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I am not so certain that you need any additional comments, but I dig it
ciao~
jan
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amazing!
the two way meanings are truely inspiring!
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