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IntricateSunlight — Whisper
Published: 2013-01-23 06:41:42 +0000 UTC; Views: 296; Favourites: 9; Downloads: 0
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Description
I am wide awake when you whisper behind me.I hear your sharp tone as you hiss your destructive incantations.
Every hushed word resonating through my head with a weight attached,
dragging me down into the deep chasms.
There's that terrible ache again in my stomach;
I am wide awake when you cut me with your knives.
I guess I was so busy watching my back,
that I forgot pay attention to what was in front.
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Comments: 17
It's interesting, how the closest to you are the ones who strike the hardest. I liked this, and I agree it can be applied to different aspects of life. It only it weren't so, haha. I liked it, maybe you could do a follow-up or expand on the idea?
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Yeah, I find this interesting as well. Usually the person that cause the most pain is someone that you love and care about and not some random stranger. A follow-up, eh? Since I first read this comment I've been thinking about it a lot trying to figure about how I can expand or follow up on this idea. I have a few things in mind, but do you have any ideas on anything else?
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Actually, today I had a really emotional experience with someone I care for deeply. I had been feeling an inclination of sorts, that my best friend was starting to like my last romantic interest. He had been a summer fling, but seeing him everyday made it hard for me to heal. I ended up telling her she had my blessing, and we had a big tear-fest because she was touched that I'd be willing to give up something I still cared for. So, maybe a redemption of sorts? How people unexpectantly show a kindness when you most need it. (She didn't want him in the end, our friendship was held higher than him).
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Looks like you have a real friend there then if they choose you over a love interest 
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Wonderful, I'm glad to have maybe inspired you. I have really got to start posting more of my writing, but life gets so busy
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Yeah, I understand not having a lot of time to write. Life does indeed get busy. It's hard to find windows to write, especially when you are one of those heat of the moment writers like me who catch some sort of sudden inspiration and will to write seemingly randomly.
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Thus neglecting all other work? That's me. I've been working on a novel series, and everything else blurs out when I'm inspired. It's a bad habit.
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Yeah, but the thing is that I tend to start more works than I can finish. Especially when it comes to prose which is why most of the things I put up is poetry. I usually finish poems. Prose is a different story entirely.
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I hate that; writing poetry is such a good way of fast venting, and while I prefer prose, I hardly finish the things I start. I'm constantly dropping entire ideas.
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I am the same way for the most part. I hate it so much, because it makes me feel unproductive. Not only that, but I am known for constantly getting distracted and side tracked by things. Plus life is always getting in the way somehow.
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School. It's the hub for all things "road-block". I can't have a minute to myself without essays or something like that being shoved at me. I hate how structured writing is. I would die for a good free write essay. "Here, take this, do what you'd like with it!"
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Yeah, there's always something.
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Hm. This piece is really interesting. I interpreted this as the dangers of mistrust, the way things like jealousy or fear can ruin a relationship (romantic or otherwise). If somebody knows they're not trusted, they might as well act the part, although that's not all that's going on here.
I'm not sure how experienced you are as a poet, so I can't be sure whether this is a genre experiment or an early piece. But I'd say the key problem with this poem is that it doesn't feel much like a poem. Everything in it is a complete sentence or close to; this could be creative prose, you've just added line breaks after every clause. If you're new, here's an exercise for fun: write something that throws sentence structure out the window! Play with tools like alliteration, imagery and internal rhyme; choose words for their sound rather than their meaning. Eventually you'll find a happy medium of keeping the meaning but sounding less like prose. (If you don't like that, stick with prose, because this piece is still beautiful.) If you're not new, kudos for experimenting but I'm not a fan of this style
The emotions here are very strong and vivid. Even if I don't fully understand everything going on here, I feel it on some level. I feel the narrator's fear and hushed anger. Well done capturing this powerful emotion.
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I'm not really new to poetry, I've been writing for a few years now and I often experiment in some sort of way. I think that every poem that I've written has some of different style to a degree, depending on when it was written. Poems that I wrote around the same time or back to back are often more similar to one another.
Anyway, I purposely meant to use complete sentences. A vast majority of my poetic works have little to no punctuation at all but sometimes I feel that it is necessary in certain pieces. Reminds me, in 9th grade I once failed a poetry project because I didn't punctuate even though my poetry was considered the best in the class. I was so frustrated at that. I tend to just let things flow freely from my mind naturally when I write poetry instead of attempting to squeeze it into a set style. I just let the words do what they wish. Sometimes they like to be in complete sentences I guess.
Thanks though, I really appreciate the feedback. Feel free to take a gander at my other poetry works and see how they differ if you wish. You give really good and honest feedback, very straightforward. I like that!
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Ahhh, okay. I will definitely take a look at your other pieces then! That sucks about the one failed assignment...English teachers can be weird in the worst ways sometimes o.O so yeah, this is definitely a neat little genre experiment that I personally didn't like xD
Thanks! I'm glad you appreciate the feedback.
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Poetry is a very wide open sect of literature, for the most part when it comes to poetry almost anything goes. There's nothing set in stone, and if there is perceived to be some sort of boundary then it is bound to be torn down eventually. There was once a time when free verse was nonexistent until someone tore that wall down and broke away from tradition and the current 'definition' of poetry. Boy, do I like to make stuff different. I have one poem that has two poems in one, literally.
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