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Itty โ€” A Mother's Demands
Published: 2005-08-02 11:05:26 +0000 UTC; Views: 158; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 8
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Description I want him to be sheltered by roses:
Plants colder and blacker than night,
Crinkled and starless next to his pale cheek,
And put amongst others in white.

I want him to be free of bright lights,
And don't let the wind on his face,
For each soul that passes around his form
Must hear the still sounds of his place.

Let his smooth fingertips remain unmoved,
And bless the chill curve of his toes,
And when gold and blood-red leaves drift to him
Let our reverent breath displace those.

I know he is tucked into dreams of me,
But I did not put him to bed,
So you be sure to plant all those flowers
And keep the cold rain from his head.

And in the evening, when we have all left,
And his white shape glows in the wild,
Leave just one candle, to give him some light,
Because he is still just a child.
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Comments: 11

euachoque [2008-05-28 19:29:17 +0000 UTC]

Really loved this... very pure and intense. You couldnยดt write it any better than you already did. ^^ Congratulations!

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Ryuken-Kai [2005-10-03 00:35:52 +0000 UTC]

this is really good....one of the best poems I've read for a while.

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Itty In reply to Ryuken-Kai [2005-10-04 17:24:51 +0000 UTC]

thanks! coming from u thats really cool

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Ryuken-Kai In reply to Itty [2005-10-04 17:31:26 +0000 UTC]

thats ok man, iti is a good poem xxx

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Proiteus [2005-08-03 08:17:43 +0000 UTC]

Nice i think it needs a drawing as well

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danielzklein In reply to Proiteus [2005-08-03 09:03:24 +0000 UTC]

No it doesn't

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Why-Not-Smile [2005-08-02 19:50:28 +0000 UTC]

I really like some of the imagery here. The language (in particular the lovely metaphors) paint a very vivid picture in the mind.

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Itty In reply to Why-Not-Smile [2005-08-02 20:01:40 +0000 UTC]

Why thank you

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hesir [2005-08-02 12:49:50 +0000 UTC]

The whole peice reads like a song, especially with the last line "pay-off" at the end.

I'm not big on poetry (in that I don't read enough for pleasure or as theory) and so cannot really give you any kind of technical critique.

Sorry.

For what it is worth however, I think it shows a sophistication (the end rhyming lines aside) of voice, and reads well.

You might want to check in with 'darkcrescendo's journal as about halfway down he list a lot of poetry groups and critiquing groups you might find useful.

[link]

Sorry I couldn't be more help.

h.

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Itty In reply to hesir [2005-08-02 12:58:38 +0000 UTC]

no, thanks- trust me that was really helpful!

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hesir In reply to Itty [2005-08-02 13:50:01 +0000 UTC]

Cool... and no problem.

h.

I think there is a sticky post with more links at the top of the Prose Forum too... Good Luck.

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