velocity07 [2011-04-19 20:26:38 +0000 UTC]

I envy you. You can rhyme. <3

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DailyLitDeviations [2011-04-19 12:43:04 +0000 UTC]

Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by ing the News Article.

Keep writing and keep creating.

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darkfire-lx [2011-02-17 22:25:22 +0000 UTC]

I definitely see the theme of the nature of death, but it took a bit before I could see the life part of it... I like this poem a lot actually, it doesn't sound depressing the way most poems like this do (it puts a nice spin on it I guess). It does make sense.

This might sound strange but I found this piece rather calming I don't encounter many people who veiw death as a "granted slumber... and never-ending peace" But that is usually how I think of it. I think the wprd "Facsimile could've been changed but thats probably just because I ad to look it up to remember what it meant...

Overall: I like it. Good job.

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TheNumberNineteen [2011-02-17 10:03:20 +0000 UTC]

Your use of words and the message being conveyed are all quite well. However, the rhyme wasn't consistent throughout the whole piece. I recommend you edit that, but it's all up to you if you want to, anyway.

Overall, the emotion was portrayed very nicely and I liked the piece a lot. Excellent work.

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katiekerr [2011-02-17 03:56:29 +0000 UTC]

Personally, I don't really like the "introduction" being as long as the "story" in this. What I mean is, in the first two stanzas you're speaking entirely rhetorically, only mentioning real people in the third and fourth stanzas, and I really think that just isn't enough time to do it any justice. In a poem this length, the rhetoric should have only needed one stanza, but personally, I'd rather see you keep them and just expand on the latter half with another stanza or two.

I think you're hurting yourself by repeating "fragile," at least within the time frame--the repetition doesn't add anything to the meaning, and so it really only serves to cheapen the meaning of both. Though, come to that, I think there must be better words for both instances: even if they're just thoughts, fragile things don't contort--they shatter at the slightest twist; something that implies being worn out or worn through, on the other hand, would probably be closer to what (I think) you were going for. Likewise, a "fragile acceptance" implies that the acceptance is easily broken, driving the person back into denial--this doesn't happen. A more emotional and evocative word would probably be more appropriate here; is it unsure, hesitant, shaky, sickly, angry?

To elaborate on what ~Royplayer89 said: it doesn't really look to me like you were trying to write to a fixed meter, but you've come so close to one that the parts where it breaks from that become really garish. You seem to use anapestic tetrameter (or close enough to it) in most of your lines (you only really break from it once or twice), so you mightwant to consider going through and making minor edits, to make the meter more regular. If you like.

The last two lines of the last stanza feel, at least to me, more like a contradiction than closure. You've just spent six lines building up to a sad, mournful goodbye and then switch -- mid-stanza -- to the tone of, "Oh, it's okay, he's really all right in the end." Which, don't get me wrong, can be a great ending, but it needs more build-up. Going back to my first remark, I'd (personally) like to see that given a stanza on its own and have both ideas separate, and each expanded on a little.

Okay, I think that's it. I feel obliged to say that, despite my incessant picking (I can ramble sometimes, I know), this really wasn't all that bad. I can empathize with what you're trying to say, I just don't think it was executed to its fullest potential (then again, neither is any of my work, ha~!).

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Royplayer89 [2011-02-17 02:52:38 +0000 UTC]

You have a wonderful poem! The rhythm has one or two words that could be replaced to help with the flow, but your word choice and underlying message is clear. Well done!

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