mondscheinsonate [2015-12-17 19:38:44 +0000 UTC]

Sometimes, that indeed can happen. It's good to stop sometimes and check whether we've turned into a machine in the daily routine and life, and to look at the good things, to slow down for a moment. I'm glad you're trying to regain that view of life for yourself.

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Bimmi1111 [2015-12-15 02:44:09 +0000 UTC]

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feigenfrucht [2015-12-12 13:29:34 +0000 UTC]

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JessIsFinallyDeviant [2015-12-11 12:52:41 +0000 UTC]

You are right in everything you said,I can find myself in your words,because I feel the same way.

Sometimes we don't acknowledge things until it's too late to do something about them...and it's always hard when you just function and not entirely living anymore. Sometimes,like you said,it's really life-saving to just stop and look around and see all the beauty that surrounds you and just smile for no reason at all,just because you can.

I'm happy to have read your words,thank you for sharing them...they have opened my eyes in a way. I guess I just had to read them on paper to really acknowledge them. 
Have a great weekend ! 
Best wishes,
Jess

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Amazonofexeter [2015-12-09 22:10:28 +0000 UTC]

Sometimes everything seems down and the only way to cope is to react, but remember you are amongst friends and we understand, many have been in a similar place and coped in the same way. So just take your time, smile at things that make you happy and say Hi when you can, no time limits when it comes to friendship

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Queen-Kitty [2015-12-09 15:53:08 +0000 UTC]

I completely understand that when people have a lot of work to do, they have to go into robot mode in order to get things done.  I know, I do it all of the time, and I end up overwhelmingly stressed out and frustrated with life because I start not seeing the "good" as you mentioned.  Lately, I have been taking at least a few minutes everyday to just relax in nature though and read a book or just drink a cup of tea, etc.  It has worked wonders on my state of mind and pulls me away from the computer and all of the crazy stuff that I have to keep track of. It lets me get lost in Nature, which is something more beautiful and vast than my mind can fully comprehend, and it also helps me forget about the really crappy stuff You will heal, and anything that you feel you've done can be healed as well.  Start seeing the beautiful and the good, because the world is full of it!

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OfOneSoul [2015-12-09 15:20:22 +0000 UTC]

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alapip [2015-12-09 15:05:09 +0000 UTC]

What you say, Katy, is probably relatable
to more of us than you might imagine.
Thank you for sharing. pip

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Farand [2015-12-08 22:49:01 +0000 UTC]

I relate to all of this journal so, so much, but especially this bit:

I hurt and offended people that didn't deserve it. But I'm learning. What happens when you become a machine, is that when you stop, you don't know how to be anymore and you lash out. Then things happen, they pile on top of you, people die, people let you down, people get ill...and before you know it every single thing the world throws at you is bad without any ounce of good. It's just not true. 

When I hospitalised earlier this year for my breakdown, I met a wonderful man whom I'll name Jude. He was there under what's called a 'section three', meaning he could be detained in hospital for up to six months. When he came into the hospital, he was in a sorry state indeed - his room was pretty much directly opposite mine: I used to sit in my room with the door open. He was the very image of a man whom circumstances have undermined since the day he was born.

He didn't say much at first; neither did I - I didn't leave my room for the first three weeks, I was so anxious! I had to eat my meals in my bedroom, and not at the dining tables with the other patients. But I did eventually leave my room, and I sat at a table in the corner. Jude would always come and sit on my table. We started chatting - small things, you know; I sometimes had the paper, and I'd ask him if he wanted to read it; or else he'd ask me how I was doing... That sort of thing.

Well, eventually, Jude opened up more, and told me about how much he had suffered, and how scared he was to tell the doctors of his suffering, in case he gave the 'wrong' answer and was to be hospitalised for even longer than six months - but he didn't talk about his suffering in a way that was engineered to get pity; people who have known true despair can't stand pity, they know that to be pitied is the worst thing of all. No, he spoke about it almost cheerfully - because despite everything, he had faith in a loving God.

I cannot know for myself what Jude suffered, but I do know that he suffered a great deal - and unlike myself, who when I was having my breakdown went off at one at people (dekorAdum bearing the brunt of it), Jude had never been nasty, not even once. When he told me this, I was astonished; this was a shock to me that was absolutely unparalleled within my universe - and for the very first time, at 27 years of age, I realised for myself that: I don't have to allow negative feelings to ride roughshod over me, let alone take these feelings out on others.

I made a promise in hospital never to speak harshly to, or about, others. And I recently became a Buddhist, after studying the Four Noble Truths, the Noble Eightfold Path, and the Dhammapada and a few other texts, and coming to the conclusion that these things were sound. My promise never to speak harshly to or about others was a factor, too! I've been meditating and practising mindfulness for six months, ever since I came out of the hospital. I feel I've become a better person - I'm considerably slower to anger, I'm considerably less paranoid, and I'm even less anxious - and I was diagnosed with avoidant (anxious) personality disorder! When I feel sad, I simply think about things that the Buddha said, or Mr Trungpa, or Thich Nhat Hahn, for example - and above all, actually, I think about Jude, who was so softly-spoken and who had suffered so much and who was so kind despite having faced unimaginable distress...

I will always have a guilty conscience for the rest of my life about my past behaviour, but I also have hope. Some people might say: 'Oh, a leopard never change its spots.' Sometimes people say things like that. But we need to remember that we're not leopards, we're human beings, and as human being we're capable of growth and change, we're capable of becoming better, always, and we're capable of forgiving and being happy. As Buddha says in the Dhammapada: 'He who in early days was unwise but later found wisdom, he sheds a light over the world like the moon freed from clouds.' Trungpa knew this, and so do you - you said you're learning, and merely by acknowledging that, you're well on your way down a very good path!

Thank you for sharing Trungpa's words. I hope they bring you, and everyone else who reads them, much comfort.

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Daghrgenzeen [2015-12-08 22:02:18 +0000 UTC]

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