Comments: 20
G-bub In reply to Lexa91 [2010-06-21 06:48:48 +0000 UTC]
no problem(:
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xlntwtch [2010-06-18 22:16:49 +0000 UTC]
Critique:
"a heart biopsy"
A fine short piece describing in concrete terms what most think of as 'emotional.'
1. Spare prose and a very pragmatic approach to a broken heart, assumed to belong to a mother whose daughter neglected her in many ways, make this flash fiction special. It's couched in phrases an actual biopsy report might use that make the piece fresh reading and more dramatic. It may seem odd but true. Often, the less emotion used to describe such situations puts emotion across to readers.
2. Better use of puntuation would have me suggest this piece for a DD.. if not me, then someone else. No spaces are required after commas, periods and the frequent colons used. If this was read out loud, the author might find some colons are unnecessary. A period could be used even more effectively.
3. In most cases, things are referred to as "that" and people as "who." I refer to the last sentence in the body of this piece.
3a. "...art..." is a single noun and needs a singlular descriptive noun = "ovation."
I don't think I've seen "ovation" as plural...let me check... No it doesn't seem so.
Even by using "our" in between, that word remains without an 's' at the end.
Generalities:
There's not really much to say about this one. It is fresh, startling and good writing.
Thanks again for contributing another good piece to...
...where I'm still called a Critic.
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xlntwtch In reply to Lexa91 [2010-06-19 13:54:14 +0000 UTC]
It's not wrong for things to be called "that" and people to be called "who."
I wrote about it (above and below) to point out it as not quite done correctly in your piece, i.e:
"...like a sick player that always loses..." should be:
"...like a sick player who always loses..."
-and-
"...you played the one that loved you the most." should be:
"...you played the one who loved you the most."
Reasons are explained below. So are many things!
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Lexa91 In reply to xlntwtch [2010-06-19 18:34:21 +0000 UTC]
oh no no, don't be sorry, but you see, even though we study english at school, it is not like when you live in a country where you have to speak in english every day. There are things i don't know about the way you have to write and how to write because no one ever explained anything to us, because they don't need us to be creative, they just ask us to write reports, articles, letters this kind of stuff. I didn't ask you about the "who" and "that" things to make you angry or anything, i just wanted to know why it should be different and now i understand. And about the DD ..well it would be, amazing, no, probably more than that , i am glad though that you like what i write and i'll try to be better next time .
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xlntwtch In reply to xlntwtch [2010-06-19 13:47:48 +0000 UTC]
..forgot an 'a' between "It's" and "rule...excuse me..."
AND PLEASE READ ALL POSTS I PUT BELOW...THE FIRST ONE HOURS AGO.
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xlntwtch In reply to xlntwtch [2010-06-18 22:22:23 +0000 UTC]
Sorry.. I meant no spaces needed before commas, periods or colons.
I hit "Send" instead of "Preview"..something I do a little too often. :/
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xlntwtch In reply to Lexa91 [2010-06-20 12:41:25 +0000 UTC]
I won't use "stupidme" anymore. Thanks, Lexa91. You're encouraging me too.
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Miss-Doll-Murder [2010-06-15 04:41:50 +0000 UTC]
Wow! amazing writing but very sad!
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