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Lexa91 — a heart biopsy by-nc-nd
Published: 2010-06-14 11:38:16 +0000 UTC; Views: 812; Favourites: 13; Downloads: 7
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Description   8:49    Lucy's heart biopsy; witness Steven


        So, this is it,her heart. Can you see it? Look at it! You can't; How come? It is you artwork. You took it, chopped it into tiny little pieces, and pounded on them till they were turned into dust. And now, when there is nothing else that can be done to put the pieces back together, you can't look at it ?
        Interesting.I can't help but wonder:are you selfish, blindfolded or just insensible? I come to the conclusion that you are all of them together.
        Come closer, take a look. Do you see this, this torn apart piece? Do you know what caused it? No. Do you remember the first lie you told her? Of course not. How can you remember something out of a million of other things? However, that's the mark your first lie left on her heart.
        Moving on now. Do you see this? No, not that crack, the scar. You won't know the answer, so let me tell you that this is for all the times you said you would call her and you didn't.
        Oh, don't look at me like that, it is not my fault. I am just admiring your work, you did this, not somebody else. Hei, take a look here! It is the most interesting wound of all she has on her heart:it is still bleeding ..so much grief, so much pain, so much time, so many words, too little answers, no meaning of them all! Why is it bleeding? You fool! You broke her heart! Can't you see that she gave her heart to you, trusted you to take care of it. And what have you done? You gambled on it, over and over again, like a sick player who always looses but comes back again for one more try! Everything you did, every action had a consequence, it left a mark, and this was the final strike: you grasped her chin in your hand, telling her she means the world to you and then abandoned her. Well dear, this is the result: a cold, bleeding, broken heart.
        And you just sit there with your hazel eyes full of tears while staring at her heart, your piece of art that deserves our standing ovation, after all, you played the one who loved you the most.



    9:05  Lucy's heart biopsy finished. The report will be found in her file.
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Comments: 20

Horsielover [2010-06-26 07:58:04 +0000 UTC]

Absolutly amazing work !!!
Very sad, but in a very cool way written
Love it!
*fav* *fav* *fav*.....

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Lexa91 In reply to Horsielover [2010-06-28 14:37:22 +0000 UTC]

thank you very very much for your comments

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Horsielover In reply to Lexa91 [2010-06-29 10:03:13 +0000 UTC]

Hey!
You're absolutly welcome my dear

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G-bub [2010-06-21 05:57:42 +0000 UTC]

In love the anggression in this. Brilliant piece.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Lexa91 In reply to G-bub [2010-06-21 06:41:07 +0000 UTC]

thank you

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

G-bub In reply to Lexa91 [2010-06-21 06:48:48 +0000 UTC]

no problem(:

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xlntwtch [2010-06-18 22:16:49 +0000 UTC]

Critique:
"a heart biopsy"

A fine short piece describing in concrete terms what most think of as 'emotional.'

1. Spare prose and a very pragmatic approach to a broken heart, assumed to belong to a mother whose daughter neglected her in many ways, make this flash fiction special. It's couched in phrases an actual biopsy report might use that make the piece fresh reading and more dramatic. It may seem odd but true. Often, the less emotion used to describe such situations puts emotion across to readers.

2. Better use of puntuation would have me suggest this piece for a DD.. if not me, then someone else. No spaces are required after commas, periods and the frequent colons used. If this was read out loud, the author might find some colons are unnecessary. A period could be used even more effectively.

3. In most cases, things are referred to as "that" and people as "who." I refer to the last sentence in the body of this piece.
3a. "...art..." is a single noun and needs a singlular descriptive noun = "ovation."
I don't think I've seen "ovation" as plural...let me check... No it doesn't seem so.
Even by using "our" in between, that word remains without an 's' at the end.

Generalities:
There's not really much to say about this one. It is fresh, startling and good writing.
Thanks again for contributing another good piece to...

...where I'm still called a Critic.

👍: 0 ⏩: 2

Lexa91 In reply to xlntwtch [2010-06-19 11:51:43 +0000 UTC]

oky ...Thank you for your critique, i'll try to fix the "spaces problem" and the part with "ovation", had no idea that i was writing something wrong .It is not supposed to be from a mother's point of view, but from a doctor's point ;it is after all a medical report, which is supposed to show that his actions( his= the boy, the witness from the beginning of the story) had dramatic consequences on her heart, leading to her death.I have to ask you, why is it wrong that things are refered as "that" and people as "who"? Thank you again for the time you spent to read and critique my work, it means a lot . I would appreciate it if you could spend 5 more minutes to read it again and tell me if there is anything else i need to change.

👍: 0 ⏩: 2

xlntwtch In reply to Lexa91 [2010-06-19 13:54:14 +0000 UTC]

It's not wrong for things to be called "that" and people to be called "who."
I wrote about it (above and below) to point out it as not quite done correctly in your piece, i.e:

"...like a sick player that always loses..." should be:
"...like a sick player who always loses..."
-and-
"...you played the one that loved you the most." should be:
"...you played the one who loved you the most."

Reasons are explained below. So are many things!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

xlntwtch In reply to Lexa91 [2010-06-19 13:42:50 +0000 UTC]

You didn't write anything "wrong."

I fully understood it was a doctor's report (at least written as one).
I must have written something you misunderstood.
That's my fault, not yours.

I pointed out I knew the "broken heart" was a mother's heart.
I figured that would tell you I knew the doctor was writing a 'biopsy report' on what s/he saw.

I thought I didn't have to write I knew it couldn't possibly be from the mother's POV.

I'll be more clear... not so brief and confusing next time.

On occasion, I hit accidentally "Send" before "Preview" and things get untidy.


About:
"...things are called 'that' and people are called 'who'..."
It's rule I learned in many creative writing classes and by editors over years of writing.
Example:
"The people who lived there saw suitcases that didn't belong to them."
vs.
"The people that lived there saw suitcases who didn't belong to them."

It's also in a slim volume called "Strunk and White: The Elements of Style."
Still, English is a 'shifting sand' of a language...
...and every rule rarely applies 100% to every situation.

I'm sorry my critique wasn't clear.
There really isn't any excuse for it...
...or I shouldn't have written it in the first place.

I did write: "..I would... suggest (this) for a DD..." and believe me, I rarely write that!

You're a fine writer whose work I really like to read.
I hope you keep writing and contribute more to Scrib-Anon.

👍: 0 ⏩: 2

Lexa91 In reply to xlntwtch [2010-06-19 18:34:21 +0000 UTC]

oh no no, don't be sorry, but you see, even though we study english at school, it is not like when you live in a country where you have to speak in english every day. There are things i don't know about the way you have to write and how to write because no one ever explained anything to us, because they don't need us to be creative, they just ask us to write reports, articles, letters this kind of stuff. I didn't ask you about the "who" and "that" things to make you angry or anything, i just wanted to know why it should be different and now i understand. And about the DD ..well it would be, amazing, no, probably more than that , i am glad though that you like what i write and i'll try to be better next time .

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

xlntwtch In reply to xlntwtch [2010-06-19 13:47:48 +0000 UTC]

..forgot an 'a' between "It's" and "rule...excuse me..."

AND PLEASE READ ALL POSTS I PUT BELOW...THE FIRST ONE HOURS AGO.

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xlntwtch In reply to xlntwtch [2010-06-18 22:22:23 +0000 UTC]

Sorry.. I meant no spaces needed before commas, periods or colons.
I hit "Send" instead of "Preview"..something I do a little too often. :/

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xlntwtch In reply to xlntwtch [2010-06-19 13:44:55 +0000 UTC]

PLEASE notice this... the part ..As well as what I meant by punctuation spaces. 0.0
THANK YOU.

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Lexa91 In reply to xlntwtch [2010-06-19 18:42:32 +0000 UTC]

i don't like that "stupid me " thing, it happens , you should see how our notebooks look like when you have to write 15 pages in one hour ..

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

xlntwtch In reply to Lexa91 [2010-06-20 12:41:25 +0000 UTC]

I won't use "stupidme" anymore. Thanks, Lexa91. You're encouraging me too.

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Miss-Doll-Murder [2010-06-15 04:41:50 +0000 UTC]

Wow! amazing writing but very sad!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Lexa91 In reply to Miss-Doll-Murder [2010-06-15 06:07:28 +0000 UTC]

thank you

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axes4six [2010-06-14 20:45:52 +0000 UTC]

Holy shit!

That was beautiful imagery, metaphor usage, and just a great idea! You're amazing!

But now I'm all sad.

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thecrazymunkey [2010-06-14 11:46:29 +0000 UTC]

Poor Lucy.

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