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Description

Similar Minds
Fandom: Portal/Batman
Summary: A riddle-obsessed genius and a science-obsessed supercomputer. A prisoner and a jailor. A test subject and a scientist. GLaDOS finds a batch of test subjects sent from Arkham Asylum, and unexpected connections are made.

In The Riddler's line of work waking up in a foreign place with a headache and no recollection of how you'd ended up there wasn't an uncommon occurrence.
Even finding bizarre devices strapped to your legs and having a computerized voice give you commands wasn't anything too out of the ordinary. Edward Nigma wasn't completely certain where he was, but it wasn't like Jeremiah totally-a-legitimate-psychiatrist-and-not-a-raving-madman Arkham hadn't put the inmates under his increasingly psychotic care through similar, idiotic tests before.
So, despite being the genius he was, it wasn't surprising that it wasn't until he was presented with the Handheld Portal Device that the Riddler started to suspect there was something more going on.
Finding test-subjects for potentially fatal (but gloriously scientific) testing was surprisingly difficult.
Once the greatest humanity had to offer had filled the testing tracks, solving tests under the supervision of numerous scientists and technicians.
But one of the injustices of human society being that dedication to science doesn't pay the bills (the other being that Black Mesa was full of what GLaDOS's databases identified as 'cheating jerkfaces') the company fell on hard times, eventually turning to homeless and other people who wouldn't ask for much. As far as GLaDOS was concerned, that was no huge loss. There wasn't much of an observable difference in the way a homeless man, and say, a Nobel-winning physicist, responded to a collision with concrete after a 50-meter drop.
And with homeless people, society tended to recognize their worthlessness, and even if some of them were lucky enough to end up offering their lives to further science, most likely no one would come looking for them, asking stupid questions such as:
"But why would you replace his blood with maple syrup?"
Aperture had gotten some test subjects from prisons and mental institutions, but not as much as one would assume. The inmates that prisons were willing to sell under the guise of 're-location' tended to be in such bad condition that they weren't going to be much use for anyone.
Which is why it was so surprising that this batch of mostly physically fit specimens had been sold to Aperture.
Actually, not only were most of them physically healthy, there were some very unusual specimens there. Unfortunately, there were almost no records of who these people were.
Records indicated they had arrived from 'Arkham Asylum' just before GLaDOS had taken over the facility, and the data concerning the identity of the subjects, if there had ever been any, hadn't been yet transferred to the main computer of the facility.
All she got from the computers assigned to monitor the test-subjects was that some of them required specialized conditions, which explained why they had been stored apart from other test-subjects, hooked to their own generator that had kept them alive after all the other test subjects had perished during the time when she had been dead. But it had also meant she hadn't known about them before Blue and Orange happened to stumble upon them on a mission to explore the parts of the facility not under GLaDOS's direct control.
She had attempted to revive some of the more peculiar ones, which had almost led to the death of one who apparently was unable to survive in normal room temperature.
Not that she couldn't learn a lot from his corpse, but you could get to that any time. She wanted to get as much data out of him as she could when he was alive. You could always turn him into a corpse, but reanimating the dead was much more difficult.
So she had decided to start by reviving some of the more normal subjects for testing.
Edward shot a portal on the floor, making the cube fall through on the moving platform.
He was conflicted.
On the other hand, he couldn't deny he was having fun.
Well, figuring out the solutions was fun, he didn't exactly enjoy the parts involving falling through the air, or getting near the laser-beams. Or being shot at, he always hated being shot at.
And he wasn't too fond of having this weird device he didn't yet understand, but which was probably very dangerous, being so close to him.
But most importantly, he didn't like being ordered around, or kept in the dark.
With another well-placed shot he made the cube fly though the air and land on the big red button. The door opened.
"Well done. Actually, now that I look at the records, that wasn't particularly good. The best time is about a minute less. Still, that's adequate, I guess. Better luck in the next chamber. You'll need it."
And that was the other thing, apart from figuring out the puzzles, that kept him going.
Whoever that was spoke to him after he had solved each test.
And every time the Riddler learned something new about her. For example, now he had learned she was a liar. There was no way to solve that test a whole minute faster, it was physically impossible.
He wasn't actually certain it was even a female, the voice had an artificial sound to it, but something told him this mysterious observer was indeed a woman.
Determined to find out more, he stepped through the doors and headed for the elevator.
Once upon a time GLaDOS had ran several tests simultaneously, back when she had had plenty of test subjects available. But then she had been forced to survive with just one, and while it wasn't ideal, she had found out it was something she could do. And now she had to keep in mind she had a limited number of test subjects.
At the moment she was running two tests, neither which had had any noticeable progress for a while.
One was still in the first test chamber, sitting on the floor, not responding. Half of his face was damaged, but it didn't seem like it affected his hearing any.
GLaDOS had gone so far as to threaten to kill him, and even pumped some deadly neurotoxin in the chamber.
Yet this failed to motivate the subject, and while GLaDOS didn't want to dispose of him (she didn't have an overabundance of test subjects, after all), soon she would have to.
Well, at least it was a data point, so some scientific progress had been made.
The other active test subject had solved the test-chambers 1 through 11 in record time, but had abruptly stopped in chamber 12, and showed no signs of moving on.
He was sitting on the floor, and it seemed he had found something to write with.
GLaDOS zoomed in to get a better look.
Maybe he had had a mental breakdown?
He had been, after all, a patient in an insane asylum.
Still, it offered important data, so she made a note of instances where the test subjects started to lose their grip on reality.
But, to her surprise, he was writing down numbers with a piece of charred wood (GLaDOS made a note of this. She would have to pay more attention to the condition of the test-chambers.).
A mathematical puzzle. He was making one. It was very easy to solve, for her, anyway, and she did so without even much of a thought.
This was wrong, she was the one who was supposed to come up with the tests, he was the one who should be solving them.
But…
"Aperture Science Enrichment Center would like to remind all test subjects that a failure to solve the test will be-"
"I didn't fail the test!"
He had interrupted her! That never happened.
"Really? Okay then. Wait, I checked, and the actual solution to this puzzle involves more placing things on buttons and less vandalizing the test chamber floors. Stop that, by the way. It's me who will have to clean it up eventually."
"I know the solution to this test. To get to the cube all I'd have to do would be to get rid of the turrets by redirecting the laser-beam at them so I'd get past them to push the button that would open those doors. After that I'd have to shoot a portal on that wall, jump down from that ledge to another portal, and using the momentum fly through the doors to the cube I could then carry to this button to keep the doors out this chamber open."
"And yet I can't help noticing you have not done any of that."
"I could get shot by the turrets, or accidentally burn myself with the laser. Not to mention I'm not terribly eager to find out whether that foul-smelling liquid is actually acid, at least if it includes observing its effects first-hand. But rest assured, I solved it. And I would solve the next one. And the one after that."
"You sound certain."
"I haven't seen a puzzle I couldn't solve yet. But I don't really see the point to this."
"Of course you don't. This is science." GLaDOS informed him, not certain why she bothered.
"Of course it is. So, are you going to let me through? I have proven my intelligence already, the rest is just physical work. A monkey, with proper instruction, could do the rest."
"I'm afraid that would go against the testing protocol."
She added:
"However…"
The test subject lifted his head, first time looking at the nearest camera.
"It wouldn't be against the testing protocol to substitute the test with an another one."
"What kind?"
"This is the description of the scenario: a test-subject refuses to test. What would be the most efficient way to encourage or threaten the test subject? Or should he be terminated?"
"There's not enough information. Who is the test subject?"
"No-one. This is merely a hypothetical situation. But let me see… Let's say he is a human male, height approximately 180 cm, weight 82 kg, half of his face is damaged and he hates science."
"Give him a coin. Preferably a silver dollar."
"Promise to reward his success with money?"
The test subject shook his head.
"No. Give him a coin. If he has a coin he will probably test for you. In this purely hypothetical situation, of course."
A coin?
How would a coin make him want to test? GLaDOS knew, of course, that a lot of humans placed value on currency far beyond its actual usefulness, but why would someone be more inclined to contribute to scientific progress if he had money? Especially since it wouldn't have any actual value if you didn't have any place to spend it.
And, if she did give test subject 22 a coin, would it have an effect on the results and the data?
She hadn't even known if she could find a coin, but sending Blue and Orange to search the offices had yielded a whole jar of them. So she supposed she might as well try it.
"Aperture Science Enrichment Center will compensate for the testing. Proceed to the Aperture Science Pneumatic Diversity Vent to receive your advance payment."
No reaction.
Just in case, GLaDOS sent the dollar through, and watched it drop on the chamber floor with a clinging sound.
It wasn't made of silver, but it was the best she could find.
GLaDOS couldn't believe the result.
After damaging the other side of the coin, and doing something she identified as 'flipping the coin" he had proceeded with the test, occasionally stopping to do the flip again.
This made no sense, but seeing how they were insane, it was probably only to be expected these subjects would be illogical even by human standards. And possibly attempting to aggravate her on purpose.
But he had been right. Should she let him through? It wasn't that she couldn't do it, but aborting a test made her queasy. It was almost as bad as telling the test subject the answer or just letting them through without solving the test.
And the data would be affected.
But maybe that was the answer.
GLaDOS created a new directory for all the test-results from this patch of subjects.
If she kept them as a separate group, they wouldn't interfere with the test-results of typical people. She could even use the other test-results as a control group, and get data on how crazy people solved the tests.
This might work.
As for that test-subject...
The Riddler sighed audibly.
It had been a while since the computerized voice had last spoken. He assumed he was still monitored, though.
Thus, audible sighing. Trying to talk to her when he didn't even know if she was listening would have made him look desperate, and possibly crazy. So he resolved to exude an aura of boredom, but in a way that didn't suggest he was about to be so bored he'd just continue with the testing because he didn't have anything better to do.
For the twentieth time he went through what he now knew about his situation.
So Two-Face was here too. Who else? Everyone from the asylum? Were they all forced to run through tests like he was? Why were they made to do this? It wasn't for science, what were they testing for, exactly? Was this all to weed out the stupid and the weak? A goal he could appreciate, but he'd rather do it from outside the testing chambers.
He was The Riddler.
He didn't need to prove himself to some random nutjob talking through a computer. If it even was a person, the way they spoke suggested it wasn't actually a human being, but he'd have to know more to be sure.
In any case he obviously was intelligent enough to solve any challenge she (or they, or it) could throw at him.
His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a party-horn.
"Congratulations. You passed the test. Had you done it a bit faster, you could have gotten confetti too. Oh well, maybe next time."
"Of course I passed it. It only surprises me it took you this long to figure out I was right. So, did the coin tell him to test?"
His question went unacknowledged.
"I have a proposition for you. Well, I say proposition, but what I mean is that I'll be telling you what to do and you'll be free to refuse. But all the possible outcomes resulting from a refusal will lead to an agonizing death."
"I think I'd hear what the proposition is first."
"Before, you claimed you could solve any puzzle. How about designing them?"
Well, now they were getting somewhere.
"If you want puzzles, enigmas and conundrums, you are looking at the master of the craft."
Grinning, Edward leaned towards the screen depicting a test-chamber.
He pushed the button and spoke to the microphone so the man in the chamber could hear him:
"Really, now, you should do better than that. Based on your reputation as some kind of a 'mad genius', I was expecting something more. But turns out you're just some clown."
Edward had to admit, he got more than a small amount of satisfaction watching the Joker fail at the puzzle and get an electric shock. Not enough to kill him, of course, but Edward had designed the test to zap him with an increasingly painful jolt of electricity every time the clown made a mistake. Or was progressing too slowly.
Still, Riddler was well aware who he was dealing with, and had taken precautions, always running his voice through the voice-modulator when talking to him and other test-subjects, and being careful not to mention anything that could give his identity away, in case he'd eventually be thrown in with them again. His new position as a chief-of-testing for his fellow ex-inmates was precarious, he'd have to take his time.
But he was itching to let them all know just who was in charge here. To see their expressions when they'd realize this had always been inevitable, but they had been too stupid to realize it! To see the annoying grin disappear from Joker's face for once! Hear Poison Ivy admit that without her plants she was nothing, Mr. Freeze that chasing his foolish goal had been in vain, Zsasz that without careless fools to intimidate and slaughter he was nothing! Have Thomas Elliott…
Well, actually he was content watching Hush get shocked, shot at and occasionally dropped from a great height.
But he yearned to have all of them recognize that while they had had power outside, with their contacts, and physical superiority, and henchmen to intimidate, and fools to victimize, here, in an environment where your intelligence was all that mattered, they were all under his;Edward Nigma's,power.
And maybe he would have done it, if it weren't for GLaDOS.
Ever since he had met her, he had been confronted by this ultimate puzzle, all the other so called-super-criminals, and rubbing their face to their situation, had felt just a little less important.
Riddler was very much aware that the super-computer in question was in control of the facility, and by extension, him. But that was the challenge, the puzzle. And like all puzzles, she was made to be solved.
Yesterday he had managed to get her to play chess with him through the computer-screen.
She had won, without any difficulty.
Edward didn't mind. Not too much, anyway. She thought she had beaten him, but she had failed to realize the chess match itself had been but a part of a bigger test he had devised for her.
He couldn't help a small smile tugging at his lips.
Yes, he could live with his fellow ex-inmates not knowing it was him who had their fate on the palm of his hand, for a while longer.
"What occurs twice in never, is in the beginning of end, and in the end of science? King to c8."
"The letter 'e'. That is a variation of a popular children's riddle, isn't it? Human children are fond of such things. Understandable. Lacking actual intelligence, they memorize questions and answers, and present them as actual knowledge. Pawn to b5. "
"It's not childish! Pawn to b5."
"Queen to d3."
"Riddle me this: When is a door not a door? Bishop to c6."
"Bishop to f5."
"You didn't answer my riddle. Pawn to f5. "
"I assure you, I know the answer. My databanks have the knowledge of all the products of human cultures, including children's riddles. Rook to e7. "
"I don't think you do. If you had, you would have answered me. Bishop to e7."
"Pawn to c4. I'd advise you to resign. There is no possible way for you to win."
"Ah, I see, your white queen will soon invade through c4 or f5, and after that you'll have the winning position. Checkmate will be only a matter of time."
"Was there ever any doubt?"
"Fine, I'll resign, you win. This time."
"I have already provided you with sufficient clothing."
"You call this sufficient!?"
GLaDOS's acoustic analysis of the speech signal indicated that based on fundamental frequency, speech rate, pauses, voice intensity, voice onset time, jitter (pitch perturbations), shimmer (loudness perturbations), voice breaks, pitch jumps, and measures of voice quality he was 35% annoyed, and 56% angry.
She decided that information wasn't really necessary, and shut down the software. He had no reason to be feeling angry or annoyed.
All the test subjects were provided with sufficient clothing that would keep their body-temperature on acceptable levels. He didn't need anything more, she had even provided him a new jumpsuit every day, he had no reason to complain.
If anything, she was being far too generous with him and the other test-subjects.
Then again…
GLaDOS understood human psychology. Like all animals, their needs were basic, as long as they had food and shelter they were content. They were basic needs selected for by millions of years of evolution, all just serving the survival of the species, ultimately.
That's why humans never could fully dedicate themselves to science.
Unlike someone like her.
People, of course, still had their place, and uses, in scientific research.
And that's where human psychology came in.
Just giving them what they needed might be sufficient to keep them alive, but if you wanted to motivate them to do science (as most of them completely lacked the drive for it she possessed), you offered them something more.
There was a reason why she had promised the test-subjects cake, and not just the standard Aperture Science Spam-Flavored Energy Bars, or injections of nutrients directly to their bloodstream.
A promise of a cake was much more motivating, as human instincts had adapted to prefer such sugary treats over healthier and more practical options.
She didn't do that anymore, not after the unfortunate incident with her. GLaDOS hadn't fully identified what variables exactly had led to that [REDACTED], but she hadn't excluded the possibility that the promise of sugary treats had contributed to her surge of homicidal madness.
"Do you really expect me to wear this!? Orange is NOT my color-"
Deciding that the following arguments were going to be even more illogical and whiny, GLaDOS cut off the audio-feed.
Why would he feel the need to pay attention to the way he looked? He wasn't directly interacting with the test-subjects in such a way that what he wore made a difference.
The reasons for humans to 'dress up', as it were, couldn't be influencing him here, right?
It was a well-known fact that humans (as well as some other social animals) used such physical displays to show their standing in the social group, and to attract a mate.
However, the logs told her he hadn't yet put any of the few females through testing.
Good. Obviously just testing with the men provided better data, by eliminating the variable of gender. Which was too bad, since GLaDOS wanted to get a look on the woman that had plant DNA in her, but for now it was better to ignore her.
For some reason GLaDOS was satisfied with that. She ran through a self-diagnosis to identify the reason for this kind of response. It was most likely that she knew plants were uninteresting.
But, as he was only supervising men testing it wasn't likely he would form any sexual attachments to the test subjects.
So it probably wouldn't be counterproductive to testing to give him access to materials for alternative clothing. He would still be able to focus on science. Both as a tester and as her test subject.
The Riddler crossed his legs, and cringed at the feel of the rough fabric.
He had done his best with the materials he had, but it was hardly the kind of quality he deserved.
It was an approximation of a suit, made from the same fabric those jumpsuits were.
At least it was green. He had been unable to find a way to get proper shoes, so he was wearing the white Long-Fall Boots that clashed with the rest of his outfit in a way that annoyed him, but it was better than going barefoot.
Also it was best to be prepared. He might find himself in a situation where he'd have to suddenly survive long falls.
Maybe he could try to get Jervis to make him a bowler hat later. And look into the possibility of using the turret-production facility to make him a cane.
He submitted the plans for the new test-chambers to GLaDOS. She would then construct the chambers according to them. It annoyed Edward she didn't let him control the systems constructing and moving the test-chambers directly.
Still, it was more of a formality. Riddler wondered how thoroughly she even went them through.
But this time, she objected.
"You want to take Test Subject Nr 13 to testing."
"Ivy? Yes. Don't worry, I made sure the chambers would be a safe distance from any plant life."
"I'm not worrying. I just feel she will not be able to contribute anything of worth. She is a plant. Plants don't make great test subjects. I know, I have tried."
"I assure you, she's not an ordinary plant. I'm sure her performance would be satisfactory, interesting, even."
"I'm sure you would find her interesting."
Edward lifted an eyebrow. There had definitely been something out of ordinary in her tone of voice there. This required more testing.
"Yes, I have worked with Ivy before, did I mention that? An impressive woman."
No response. He decided to push a bit more:
"She's a scientist, you know. An authority on her chosen field."
He didn't want to go too far, so he added:
"Of course, she is not any intellectual match to me. Not many people are. Speaking of which, isn't it time for our daily chess-game?"
"You can't be as smart as you think you are, since you haven't given up yet and recognized that a human, even someone like you, can't win against me."
"Ah, but the fun is in the game, isn't it? Think of it like this: don't you enjoy testing, the process of figuring out the answers, more than just staring at the results?"
"It's for science. But I suppose I can indulge you. Even if it takes my precious time I could be spending on something much more important."
"You should have said you don't want to. Let's call the whole thing off."
"What?"
"Well, you are busy, I am busy, you don't really enjoy our matches…"
"It's not that I actively hate them either. I really don't care either way. But since I already scheduled it, we might just as well go through with it."
Riddler made a mental note of this victory.
"But don't you see, this is art!"
"Art? Hardly. What we are doing, what I am doing, is important for the scientific progress."
"How? What do you do with the data? Do you publish it anywhere? Use it for some end?"
"I don't need to. It is enough that I acquire this data. How could some humans getting their hands on it help? I am driven by science. Sorry, I can't expect you to understand-"
"But I do! Don't you see? We are the same! I know what it feels like to have this, this drive to, to devise these kinds of-"
"Well, I guess we now know why you were in a mental institution."
"I am NOT insane!"
"Really, now? You were just there on a vacation, maybe?"
"I was put in there because the society is afraid of those that are better, more intelligent, those that won't follow the rules set by their mental inferiors!"
"Do you know what I think? Well, too bad, I'm going to interrupt your deluded ranting anyway. I think I'm getting tired of having such a noisy test subject, not exactly something I'm used to. Maybe I should do something about the situation. Remove your tongue, perhaps? Vocal chords? Throat? Maybe we should see how many body parts I can remove before you'll be completely unable to vocalize?"
"I'm not going to let you!"
"Really, now? Do I have to remind you who exactly is the mental superior here? And in control of all the systems keeping you alive? And neurotoxin. Deadly neurotoxin."
No answer. Unless you counted his angry stare as one.
"Good. I'm so glad we had this little talk. I'm sure this will benefit the whole company and help all of us to better test and dedicate ourselves to science. Rook to b5, Checkmate, by the way."
This little exchange had cheered her up immensely, even if the actual content of science in it was rather small.
GLaDOS was satisfied with the way the experiment was going.
It even gave her something of a euphoric response.
And putting up this test with him as a both test-subject and a tester satisfied her programming nicely. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt this-
Well, actually she could, but all that related to her and thinking back to those events was all GLaDOS needed to spoil her good mood.
Well, GLaDOS didn't need her. Her and her disaster-causing murderous ways. She probably did need her, likely couldn't survive in the outside world, she probably couldn't even feed herself! Actually, she would probably die of thirst first, what with all of her fat. She was likely dead, her carcass picked clean by birds, her bones whitening in the sun.
Served her right.
GLaDOS only regretted that she wasn't here to see how well she was doing. And how she had been replaced. With someone thinner, and better, and someone who could talk, and who would never ever leave her, or murder her.
She wasn't, after all, going to give him any chance to do either.
GLaDOS had learned from past mistakes.
And he had no access to any of the important computer systems running the place. She had constructed him a cage, where he was in charge of the other subjects.
So why would he ever want to leave it?
Riddler went through the databases. He had only a limited access to the databanks, but even still there was a lot to learn. Of course he had to think of how to efficiently use his time, and to remember he was under constant supervision. So there was no room for mistakes, or making a bad impression on her. If she decided he was wasting her time when he should be testing, she could get difficult.
It seemed like he had been in stasis for a long time. Who knew what the outside world was like now?
With a jolt he realized that Batman was dead.
Edward wondered how he had died. Had he retired? No. Batman would never retire. He had died as Batman, most likely in some ridiculous heroic feat, saving the day.
Riddler didn't want to think that some new up-and-coming supervillain would have risen in power after almost all of Batman's old foes were shipped to Aperture, and that the Batman would have faced his death in the hands of this new threat.
Of someone who hadn't earned the right to kill the Bat.
The Riddler preferred to think that it had been a minor accident, just some mugger or the like, who had gotten lucky, because the Dark Knight was getting old. Or a natural disaster, maybe killing him when he was staying behind to help people too slow or stupid to get away.
But he was gone.
Unlike most of Batman's enemies, The Riddler had never wished his death. Sure, his victory would have eventually meant death for the Bat, but that wasn't the point.
The point was defeating him in a battle of wits and making him acknowledge it.
But now that goal had been taken from him.
Still, he would cope.
Hadn't he already found someone who would fill the Bat's place? Someone who could be so much more. If he just played his cards right.
GLaDOS finished going through the records of all recorded chess-games. After that, she ran through simulations based on the playing-styles of 23 chess-champions.
At the moment, her record playing against him was a victory in 19 moves. She could do better.
She found herself going through the records of their past games, and tried to create a program simulating his playing style.
But she couldn't quite capture it, and wasn't certain why.
She had been planning to put Orange and Blue through testing, but it could wait.
It was too bad he required so much sleep, up to 7 hours per 24 hour-period. Maybe she could put the subjects through the testing while he slept, but it would spoil the test. The part of it was that he was in charge of it; that was what she was testing him for.
Maybe she could try injecting caffeine directly to his veins. Or replacing parts of his internal organs with machinery. She could improve him, make him more efficient.
Yes, that sounded like a good idea. She just would have to be careful to keep enough of his original human parts, as not to spoil her new favorite test-subject.
After all, robots couldn't compare to humans in that respect.
"So, do you hate chocolate?"
Edward lifted his gaze from his plans for the new tests, somewhat confused.
"What? No. Why would you ask?"
"No reason."
Obviously there was a reason. What could he have done to make her sound angry? And maybe a bit offended.
"Wait a second, does this have something to do with how there was a bowl of chocolate porridge with my dinner yesterday?"
"Why would it? Obviously that wasn't anything worth mentioning. Since you didn't bring it up. That's gratitude for you."
Riddler tried to think for the best way to get out of this discussion.
"No, it was good. I didn't think it was worth mentioning, but, thanks."
"By the way, we just happened to have a surplus of chocolate lying around. That's the only reason you happened to get some. I'm not even sure it was chocolate. Could have been unidentifiable mush. Could have been rat poison. I guess we will know soon, based on whether you'll still be breathing tomorrow."
She cut off before Edward could formulate a suitable response.
"Jervis, did you look into the problem I gave you?"
"Jervis? Who might that be? You are confused, man, I dare say. Now leave me, I'm late for tea, I haven't even found a table yet. This is the first time I have managed to lose the whole tea-party. Next I'll lose my head, and drinking tea is always so troublesome without one's head-"
Riddler sighed. Jervis Tetch, aka The Mad Hatter, was in one of his moods again.
On the other hand, being off his medication that dulled his intelligence made him a greater asset, but his psychotic episodes were annoying. At least he could still reach him, Jervis hadn't yet started just quoting Lewis Carroll oblivious to the outside world.
Mad Hatter was one of those career-criminals Riddler had worked with every once in a while. The man was brilliant in his field, and safer to deal with than someone like Killer Croc, and easier to manipulate into doing what you wanted than someone like Scarecrow or Penguin, if you managed to get through to him, that is.
Since just insisting to stick to reality wasn't working, Riddler decided to change the tactic and go with his delusion:
"Hatter, this is important, the Queen of Hearts will be angry with you if you don't do it, and you know what that means."
"The Queen? Oh, dear."
"'Oh, dear' is right, now you get to work, if you want to keep your head."
The Riddler shut down the communication. Talking to Jervis was always taxing, mostly because he was never completely certain how insane he actually was. Edward often had the feeling he was more aware of reality than he pretended to be, and the fact that you couldn't be sure was the most annoying thing.
Still, he'd do his part now. It was too bad he couldn't use Ivy, but Riddler didn't want to risk GLaDOS getting angry, or worse, suspicious.
He was so close now…
The test subject showed signs of considerable rudeness. And taking advantage of my kindness.
There, now it was an official part of his test-subject evaluation. That showed him.
What did he think he was? Ungrateful, that's what.
Not that GLaDOS cared about his opinions. But he could have at least mentioned what he had thought of his extra desert. She had gone through a lot of trouble for it, after all.
Maybe he didn't care about eating? He did show more interest in science than test subjects usually did. So maybe he had his priorities straight.
GLaDOS wondered if she was devoting too much time and processing power to thinking about him, but quickly dismissed it. He was a test subject, so thinking about him was about science.
He was basically science.
GLaDOS thought about it a moment.
This all brought back some unsettling responses she couldn't quite place, but that felt familiar...
She checked the Caroline-related files, but there hadn't been any activity. She even considered accessing them, maybe to get some insight on… stuff.
But she couldn't afford the chance of that personality affecting her. She wasn't willing to risk actually deleting the files on which her personality had been originally based, so she had isolated them, for review, if the need ever arose. But was this enough of a reason to risk it?
They were such a small collection of data, barely 3 terabytes. So simple was a human mind.
What exactly was she thinking it could possibly tell her?
She was perfectly capable of dealing with him.
She could…
She had already decided not to give him any desert.
Then he would appreciate it. Appreciate just how good she was to him. He had everything he could ever want! And how did he repay her?
By doing the job she had given him.
But he was just so… Infuriating. And because GLaDOS couldn't exactly identify why he was so infuriating, the whole situation was even more… Infuriating.
A signal told her he was trying to contact her.
GLaDOS almost answered immediately, but held herself.
She didn't want to give him the impression that she had nothing better to do. And that he could just choose to talk with her whenever he wanted.
She calculated that making him wait for 76 seconds was basically forever even for a human, and answered, making sure to sound suitably disinterested:
"What now?"
"Nothing much. There are some additional supplies I need. The test subject 15, Mad Hatter, will require some additional equipment to function well enough to test. I'll send you the files on it."
"You could have just sent me these plans with the daily report."
"Yes, but I wanted to hear your voice. Besides, I had a bout of inspiration, and just wanted to show you right away what I got. I wanted to get to science right away. And there was something else I have for you. Few logic puzzles I came up with. Just, you know, thought you'd like them."
GLaDOS came out with her mood considerably brightened.
After all, her test subject was showing his dedication to scientific progress.
And he had wanted to hear her voice.
3:45.
3 hours 15 minutes to go before her test-subject would be woken up, approximately 3 hours 30 minutes before he'd get to work.
GLaDOS put Orange and Blue through few test-chambers, but found herself unable to concentrate. She blamed the fact that she wasn't used to stopping a test for such a long time.
Although, technically, the test was running continuously. It was just that when he was sleeping there was a period of several hours when not much was happening.
But in fact the test was going on, even when he slept.
And the cameras in his room were active, even during the night.
So she could take a look, just to check up on him.
Nothing wrong with that.
In fact, since it was a test, it would be unscientific of her not to observe his progress.
GLaDOS tuned in the video-feed.
The lights were out, but like all the cameras in the facility, it was equipped with night-vision.
The room she kept him in wasn't big, it had originally been one of the relaxation-chambers, and the table with the several computer-screens and other equipment he needed to do his job took most of the space. A single bed was pushed in the corner, and GLaDOS had to turn the camera (Slowly, so not to wake him up) to get a view of him.
He was sleeping on his side, eyes closed, mouth slightly open.
She observed him for a while, oddly mesmerized by the steady up-and-down movement of his chest.
Suddenly, he turned on his side.
Quickly, GLaDOS cut the feed.
Why did she do that?
Probably because it was a waste of time.
Yes, that had been the reason. It wasn't that she had been startled, she just would prefer he wasn't aware of her slightly unprofessional behavior. He might think she had nothing better to do, or have an exaggerated image of his importance to the scientific progress.
Not that she cared what he thought.
Riddler knew he had to put his plan to motion soon. There was only for so long he could keep things from her.
But there was something he needed to do first.
"GLaDOS, I have a riddle for you."
"Not interested."
"It won't take long. And you don't even have to solve it, just listen to it."
He had put a lot of thought into this. These were important things, he wanted it to be perfect, something suitable for her specifically.
"Riddle me this: How am I like No-one?"
No answer. The Riddler was used to his riddles being ignored, at least when he presented them like this. She was far more likely to answer to the mathematical and logical puzzles he was in habit of including to his test-reports.
But she had heard it, he was sure.
GLaDOS discontinued her surveillance of her sleeping test-subject. She had included this observation as a part of her daily routine; after testing with her other human test-subjects or Blue and Orange, she'd directly connect to the live feed from the camera in his room, and observe for three hours his sleeping habits, then disconnect before he'd wake up.
But now, staring at the sleeping figure, she had a feeling something was wrong.
GLaDOS pulled up the files on her night-time surveillance.
It wasn't that his behavior was out of the ordinary, no, it was the opposite.
She had seen this before.
She opened the files on the recorded video, and superimposed it on what the system was telling her was live feed.
There was a piece of video that was exactly the same, pixel for pixel identical.
A quick search revealed this wasn't the only instance. Somehow the video from his room during the night was looping at times.
It might have been just a glitch in the system.
But GLaDOS knew better.
She had been betrayed. Again.
Again her test-subject had taken advantage of her naivety and kindness, breaking out of their assigned role.
Now that she knew what was going on, and knew to look for it, it was clear what was going on; the test subject had hacked into the camera and programmed it to broadcast on a loop for two hours in a night. Two hours for him to escape the surveillance.
GLaDOS didn't panic, of course. All she felt was cold anger, and some disappointment.
He must have still been in his room, the computer-log told her that his work-station was in use.
She opened the audio-link to the room to inform him of his situation:
"Aperture Science Computer-assisted Testing Facility would like to notify you that after re-evaluating our testing protocols certain redundancies were observed. After careful consideration we have decided to terminate your employment relationship followed by your life. The position might be later filled by someone who isn't a back-stabbing human-shaped piece of scum."
She heard a startled gasp from the audio-feed.
"Deadly neurotoxin will be deployed in 3- 2- 1."
"Listen, GLaDOS, if you just let me explain-"
As the chamber was filled with the deadly toxin, GLaDOS felt no remorse. But for some reason she couldn't identify she was relieved the camera was still feeding her the pre-recorded footage so she was unable to observe him gasping for air and convulsing in pain until all life left him.
Something was wrong.
After the test subject in charge of testing for the Arkham-subjects had forced her to delete him she had taken over those testing duties herself.
And it didn't feel like anything.
GLaDOS watched the test subject 46A stumble to his death. And yet nothing.
How had Edward done it? What was she missing?
She pulled all the files on his experiments.
She was in the middle of running through different simulations when the doors to the main computer-chamber opened. She was pulled from her files, all of her attention focused on the room where her robot body hung.
"I took the liberty of disengaging the nerve-gas. Also, feel free to try turrets. They are disabled."
GLaDOS was at a loss. He couldn't be there. He was dead. And even if he wasn't, there was no way he could have gotten to the main computer room.
"You aren't here."
She hated how uncertain she sounded. And even more she hated the small twinge of relief upon seeing him alive.
"Ah, but I assure you I am. In the flesh, not a ghost. Not that you would entertain for a nanosecond such an unscientific notion."
The Riddler stepped towards the construct hanging from the ceiling. He wasn't entirely certain what he had been expecting, maybe shapeless boxes of wires. But she was like a living thing, majestic and beautiful, and yet simultaneously pitiful, a vaguely humanoid shape attached up-side down to a ceiling.
Edward savored the moment, this was the best part of any game; when your opponent was realizing they had been defeated. And the more intelligent the opponent, the bigger the challenge, the greater the moment of his triumph.
It was too bad he hadn't had the opportunity to make a cane for himself. And he had never gotten around to getting mad Hatter to make that bowler for him, seeing how there had been other, more vital tasks the mad expert on mind-control machines could perform to move his plans along. Still, he supposed he looked presentable, considering the circumstances. He wanted to make this moment matter to her as much as it mattered to him.
"You did flood a chamber with the gas. Luckily I had taken the precaution of crossing some wires so the gas ended up in another chamber where all it managed to kill were a few rats at most."
"I will rectify the situation in due time."
Riddler ignored her.
Since it was very unlikely she would just ask how he had done it due to her pride, he knew he'd have to explain it. After all, he wouldn't want her to just assume he had gotten lucky, or simply used brute force to tear out some cables.
No, she had to understand. She had to see how beautiful his plan had been.
Then she would understand.
Maybe she'd feel sorry for under-estimating him, not that Edward was holding that against her. He wasn't that petty.
Besides, he had bigger plans for her than simple defeat.
"The computer-systems, very much like anything else in Aperture, are a mess."
Edward noted with some amusement how the giant robot body in front of her jerked in an irritated manner, somehow making the super-computer look for a moment very human.
Doing his best to hide his smile he continued:
"When new systems were linked in, and systems upgraded, old setups were usually just left under there. This led to a lot of old programs left running on the background, not doing anything more than taking up processing power. And making it possible for me to take control of the systems. Forgotten connections were still there. Some of it was done during the two hours a night when I could work unsupervised, but even that wasn't completely necessary. I was able to use the tests themselves to set up systems for me to use. After all, many of the ex-inhabitants of Arkham possess certain special talents, such as being able to squeeze part of their clay-like body through the cracks while seeming to stay in the chamber. Or work wonders with the mechanical parts provided by me under the guise of testing.
Little by little, you lost the control of the facility, and didn't even know. The sub-systems would be telling you that everything was working, like when you tried to gas me, but in reality you were being fed wrong information without probably even being aware of those processes. Take your turrets, for example. All it took was to overload one of the stations regulating the pressure in the pipe-system and the whole pneumatic tube network in this part of the facility was disrupted. Sure, you can give the computer the command to transport turrets here, but since the actual physical system isn't working the way the computers think it is, they will instead end up who knows where."
"I should have noticed!"
"You don't like puns, do you? A bit too close to a paradox?"
When she didn't answer, he continued:
"I found out rather quickly that you had an aversion to them and took full advantage of this. Add something like that to a program, and your systems wouldn't pay too close an attention to it. Not enough to cause damage, that you would have noticed, but just something you would unconsciously try to avoid."
Now that she knew how he had done it, it was time to remind her that she should have seen it all coming.
"And," he paused dramatically, "I told you how I was going to do it."
"How were you like No-one? Odysseus. That's what you meant."
Edward grinned, releasing the breath he had been holding. This was perfect.
A good riddle wasn't impossible. Any fool could devise a riddle that was so based on special knowledge or had so many different possible answers it was impossible to solve it.
No, the true beauty lied in telling a riddle that the target could solve. Something that when they heard the answer made them go 'of course, why didn't I think of that?', preferably when being first misled to a wrong conclusion.
"Yes. Considering the references in Greek mythology in this facility, I thought it was only fitting. When Odysseus and his men were captured by the Cyclops and trapped to his cave, Odysseus told their captor his name was 'No-one'. So when he was blinded and yelled to his fellow Cyclopes it was done by 'no-one', they ignored him, and Odysseus and his men escaped by tying themselves under the sheep the Cyclops let out to graze. Just like I fooled your systems by telling them nothing was going on and hid my activities amongst the normal daily activities of the facility."
"That would make me the Cyclops Polyphemus, then? Who was blinded, lied to and betrayed."
Riddler bit back his response on how Polyphemus also killed Odysseus's men by eating their brains.
The point was that now she understood. Edward noted how the movement of her yellow optic resembled a human eye, revealing how she felt. But he wasn't done yet, there was still the main event, the reveal of his greatest triumph.
"Riddle me this: How do you beat the greatest supercomputer in existence?"
Said supercomputer had a far-away look in her optic. Riddler could guess what she was doing; running diagnostics, trying to get her turrets or neurotoxin to work, finding all of her options blocked.
"You make it fall in love."
This got her attention. Her headpiece jerked towards him, the golden light in her single eye shrinking either in surprise or anger. Or judging by her voice, both.
"You are more deluded than you appear. I do not-"
"Ah, yes, but you do. After all, what is love but a neurochemical response? Remember those subsystems? You weren't designed to be completely aware of every single thing going on in the facility. True, those systems are connected to you, but they are basically autonomous. You are more human-like than you'd like to admit."
"Well done, you have managed to make me angry. And incidentally, I'm capable of coming up with far more creative forms of punishment than anyone with a mere human brain could. And by the way, while I might not be completely aware of everything that goes on in my facility, I could always just take direct control of anything I want. Could you do that? Could you, say, will to make your liver explode? If you can, you might consider doing that. Might be the less painful way out."
"Well, obviously you aren't in control of them anymore. Any more than a human has conscious control over something like their heart-beat."
He took a step closer.
"Or, indeed, hormonal activity."
GLaDOS found looking at him directly hugely distracting.
"Give me the access to your mainframe."
She did her best to ignore the feeling vaguely reminiscent of the testing euphoria.
"No. Do you think I'm a moron? Why would I give someone the means to deactivate me?"
"Come on, would I do that? You are not stupid, far from it, you would never give the access codes to anyone who'd harm you."
"No, I wouldn't."
"And you want to give them to me."
"I don't."
"Well, now, GLaDOS, lying is counterproductive to science."
"Yes."
The Riddler knew he had won.
He had read the files on experiments performed on GLaDOS, and how the scientists had tried to control her with the cores.
Fools.
Instead of adding programming that forced the AI to act against her wishes all you had to do was to add a little something that made it want to act the way you wanted. They were onto something with how they had conditioned her to test, but they hadn't understood how to do it, and instead attempted to force a moral code on her. Instead of making her want to follow their lead, and want to justify her wants and needs with that morality.
Just like humans worked. In the end, she had been defeated by taking advantage of how her intelligence and personality, even the way her robot body worked, was similar to a human.
Edward smiled. It wasn't like he was above such things either.
But unlike GLaDOS, he acknowledged them. And unlike the fools that had created her, he understood and appreciated her.
So he lifted his hand to her headpiece, and gave her a genuine smile:
"We have a lot of work to do, GLaDOS. A lot of science to do. What do you think of getting some testing done?"
"I would like that very much, Edward."

Description

Similar Minds
Fandom: Portal/Batman
Summary: A riddle-obsessed genius and a science-obsessed supercomputer. A prisoner and a jailor. A test subject and a scientist. GLaDOS finds a batch of test subjects sent from Arkham Asylum, and unexpected connections are made.

In The Riddler's line of work waking up in a foreign place with a headache and no recollection of how you'd ended up there wasn't an uncommon occurrence.
Even finding bizarre devices strapped to your legs and having a computerized voice give you commands wasn't anything too out of the ordinary. Edward Nigma wasn't completely certain where he was, but it wasn't like Jeremiah totally-a-legitimate-psychiatrist-and-not-a-raving-madman Arkham hadn't put the inmates under his increasingly psychotic care through similar, idiotic tests before.
So, despite being the genius he was, it wasn't surprising that it wasn't until he was presented with the Handheld Portal Device that the Riddler started to suspect there was something more going on.
Finding test-subjects for potentially fatal (but gloriously scientific) testing was surprisingly difficult.
Once the greatest humanity had to offer had filled the testing tracks, solving tests under the supervision of numerous scientists and technicians.
But one of the injustices of human society being that dedication to science doesn't pay the bills (the other being that Black Mesa was full of what GLaDOS's databases identified as 'cheating jerkfaces') the company fell on hard times, eventually turning to homeless and other people who wouldn't ask for much. As far as GLaDOS was concerned, that was no huge loss. There wasn't much of an observable difference in the way a homeless man, and say, a Nobel-winning physicist, responded to a collision with concrete after a 50-meter drop.
And with homeless people, society tended to recognize their worthlessness, and even if some of them were lucky enough to end up offering their lives to further science, most likely no one would come looking for them, asking stupid questions such as:
"But why would you replace his blood with maple syrup?"
Aperture had gotten some test subjects from prisons and mental institutions, but not as much as one would assume. The inmates that prisons were willing to sell under the guise of 're-location' tended to be in such bad condition that they weren't going to be much use for anyone.
Which is why it was so surprising that this batch of mostly physically fit specimens had been sold to Aperture.
Actually, not only were most of them physically healthy, there were some very unusual specimens there. Unfortunately, there were almost no records of who these people were.
Records indicated they had arrived from 'Arkham Asylum' just before GLaDOS had taken over the facility, and the data concerning the identity of the subjects, if there had ever been any, hadn't been yet transferred to the main computer of the facility.
All she got from the computers assigned to monitor the test-subjects was that some of them required specialized conditions, which explained why they had been stored apart from other test-subjects, hooked to their own generator that had kept them alive after all the other test subjects had perished during the time when she had been dead. But it had also meant she hadn't known about them before Blue and Orange happened to stumble upon them on a mission to explore the parts of the facility not under GLaDOS's direct control.
She had attempted to revive some of the more peculiar ones, which had almost led to the death of one who apparently was unable to survive in normal room temperature.
Not that she couldn't learn a lot from his corpse, but you could get to that any time. She wanted to get as much data out of him as she could when he was alive. You could always turn him into a corpse, but reanimating the dead was much more difficult.
So she had decided to start by reviving some of the more normal subjects for testing.
Edward shot a portal on the floor, making the cube fall through on the moving platform.
He was conflicted.
On the other hand, he couldn't deny he was having fun.
Well, figuring out the solutions was fun, he didn't exactly enjoy the parts involving falling through the air, or getting near the laser-beams. Or being shot at, he always hated being shot at.
And he wasn't too fond of having this weird device he didn't yet understand, but which was probably very dangerous, being so close to him.
But most importantly, he didn't like being ordered around, or kept in the dark.
With another well-placed shot he made the cube fly though the air and land on the big red button. The door opened.
"Well done. Actually, now that I look at the records, that wasn't particularly good. The best time is about a minute less. Still, that's adequate, I guess. Better luck in the next chamber. You'll need it."
And that was the other thing, apart from figuring out the puzzles, that kept him going.
Whoever that was spoke to him after he had solved each test.
And every time the Riddler learned something new about her. For example, now he had learned she was a liar. There was no way to solve that test a whole minute faster, it was physically impossible.
He wasn't actually certain it was even a female, the voice had an artificial sound to it, but something told him this mysterious observer was indeed a woman.
Determined to find out more, he stepped through the doors and headed for the elevator.
Once upon a time GLaDOS had ran several tests simultaneously, back when she had had plenty of test subjects available. But then she had been forced to survive with just one, and while it wasn't ideal, she had found out it was something she could do. And now she had to keep in mind she had a limited number of test subjects.
At the moment she was running two tests, neither which had had any noticeable progress for a while.
One was still in the first test chamber, sitting on the floor, not responding. Half of his face was damaged, but it didn't seem like it affected his hearing any.
GLaDOS had gone so far as to threaten to kill him, and even pumped some deadly neurotoxin in the chamber.
Yet this failed to motivate the subject, and while GLaDOS didn't want to dispose of him (she didn't have an overabundance of test subjects, after all), soon she would have to.
Well, at least it was a data point, so some scientific progress had been made.
The other active test subject had solved the test-chambers 1 through 11 in record time, but had abruptly stopped in chamber 12, and showed no signs of moving on.
He was sitting on the floor, and it seemed he had found something to write with.
GLaDOS zoomed in to get a better look.
Maybe he had had a mental breakdown?
He had been, after all, a patient in an insane asylum.
Still, it offered important data, so she made a note of instances where the test subjects started to lose their grip on reality.
But, to her surprise, he was writing down numbers with a piece of charred wood (GLaDOS made a note of this. She would have to pay more attention to the condition of the test-chambers.).
A mathematical puzzle. He was making one. It was very easy to solve, for her, anyway, and she did so without even much of a thought.
This was wrong, she was the one who was supposed to come up with the tests, he was the one who should be solving them.
But…
"Aperture Science Enrichment Center would like to remind all test subjects that a failure to solve the test will be-"
"I didn't fail the test!"
He had interrupted her! That never happened.
"Really? Okay then. Wait, I checked, and the actual solution to this puzzle involves more placing things on buttons and less vandalizing the test chamber floors. Stop that, by the way. It's me who will have to clean it up eventually."
"I know the solution to this test. To get to the cube all I'd have to do would be to get rid of the turrets by redirecting the laser-beam at them so I'd get past them to push the button that would open those doors. After that I'd have to shoot a portal on that wall, jump down from that ledge to another portal, and using the momentum fly through the doors to the cube I could then carry to this button to keep the doors out this chamber open."
"And yet I can't help noticing you have not done any of that."
"I could get shot by the turrets, or accidentally burn myself with the laser. Not to mention I'm not terribly eager to find out whether that foul-smelling liquid is actually acid, at least if it includes observing its effects first-hand. But rest assured, I solved it. And I would solve the next one. And the one after that."
"You sound certain."
"I haven't seen a puzzle I couldn't solve yet. But I don't really see the point to this."
"Of course you don't. This is science." GLaDOS informed him, not certain why she bothered.
"Of course it is. So, are you going to let me through? I have proven my intelligence already, the rest is just physical work. A monkey, with proper instruction, could do the rest."
"I'm afraid that would go against the testing protocol."
She added:
"However…"
The test subject lifted his head, first time looking at the nearest camera.
"It wouldn't be against the testing protocol to substitute the test with an another one."
"What kind?"
"This is the description of the scenario: a test-subject refuses to test. What would be the most efficient way to encourage or threaten the test subject? Or should he be terminated?"
"There's not enough information. Who is the test subject?"
"No-one. This is merely a hypothetical situation. But let me see… Let's say he is a human male, height approximately 180 cm, weight 82 kg, half of his face is damaged and he hates science."
"Give him a coin. Preferably a silver dollar."
"Promise to reward his success with money?"
The test subject shook his head.
"No. Give him a coin. If he has a coin he will probably test for you. In this purely hypothetical situation, of course."
A coin?
How would a coin make him want to test? GLaDOS knew, of course, that a lot of humans placed value on currency far beyond its actual usefulness, but why would someone be more inclined to contribute to scientific progress if he had money? Especially since it wouldn't have any actual value if you didn't have any place to spend it.
And, if she did give test subject 22 a coin, would it have an effect on the results and the data?
She hadn't even known if she could find a coin, but sending Blue and Orange to search the offices had yielded a whole jar of them. So she supposed she might as well try it.
"Aperture Science Enrichment Center will compensate for the testing. Proceed to the Aperture Science Pneumatic Diversity Vent to receive your advance payment."
No reaction.
Just in case, GLaDOS sent the dollar through, and watched it drop on the chamber floor with a clinging sound.
It wasn't made of silver, but it was the best she could find.
GLaDOS couldn't believe the result.
After damaging the other side of the coin, and doing something she identified as 'flipping the coin" he had proceeded with the test, occasionally stopping to do the flip again.
This made no sense, but seeing how they were insane, it was probably only to be expected these subjects would be illogical even by human standards. And possibly attempting to aggravate her on purpose.
But he had been right. Should she let him through? It wasn't that she couldn't do it, but aborting a test made her queasy. It was almost as bad as telling the test subject the answer or just letting them through without solving the test.
And the data would be affected.
But maybe that was the answer.
GLaDOS created a new directory for all the test-results from this patch of subjects.
If she kept them as a separate group, they wouldn't interfere with the test-results of typical people. She could even use the other test-results as a control group, and get data on how crazy people solved the tests.
This might work.
As for that test-subject...
The Riddler sighed audibly.
It had been a while since the computerized voice had last spoken. He assumed he was still monitored, though.
Thus, audible sighing. Trying to talk to her when he didn't even know if she was listening would have made him look desperate, and possibly crazy. So he resolved to exude an aura of boredom, but in a way that didn't suggest he was about to be so bored he'd just continue with the testing because he didn't have anything better to do.
For the twentieth time he went through what he now knew about his situation.
So Two-Face was here too. Who else? Everyone from the asylum? Were they all forced to run through tests like he was? Why were they made to do this? It wasn't for science, what were they testing for, exactly? Was this all to weed out the stupid and the weak? A goal he could appreciate, but he'd rather do it from outside the testing chambers.
He was The Riddler.
He didn't need to prove himself to some random nutjob talking through a computer. If it even was a person, the way they spoke suggested it wasn't actually a human being, but he'd have to know more to be sure.
In any case he obviously was intelligent enough to solve any challenge she (or they, or it) could throw at him.
His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a party-horn.
"Congratulations. You passed the test. Had you done it a bit faster, you could have gotten confetti too. Oh well, maybe next time."
"Of course I passed it. It only surprises me it took you this long to figure out I was right. So, did the coin tell him to test?"
His question went unacknowledged.
"I have a proposition for you. Well, I say proposition, but what I mean is that I'll be telling you what to do and you'll be free to refuse. But all the possible outcomes resulting from a refusal will lead to an agonizing death."
"I think I'd hear what the proposition is first."
"Before, you claimed you could solve any puzzle. How about designing them?"
Well, now they were getting somewhere.
"If you want puzzles, enigmas and conundrums, you are looking at the master of the craft."
Grinning, Edward leaned towards the screen depicting a test-chamber.
He pushed the button and spoke to the microphone so the man in the chamber could hear him:
"Really, now, you should do better than that. Based on your reputation as some kind of a 'mad genius', I was expecting something more. But turns out you're just some clown."
Edward had to admit, he got more than a small amount of satisfaction watching the Joker fail at the puzzle and get an electric shock. Not enough to kill him, of course, but Edward had designed the test to zap him with an increasingly painful jolt of electricity every time the clown made a mistake. Or was progressing too slowly.
Still, Riddler was well aware who he was dealing with, and had taken precautions, always running his voice through the voice-modulator when talking to him and other test-subjects, and being careful not to mention anything that could give his identity away, in case he'd eventually be thrown in with them again. His new position as a chief-of-testing for his fellow ex-inmates was precarious, he'd have to take his time.
But he was itching to let them all know just who was in charge here. To see their expressions when they'd realize this had always been inevitable, but they had been too stupid to realize it! To see the annoying grin disappear from Joker's face for once! Hear Poison Ivy admit that without her plants she was nothing, Mr. Freeze that chasing his foolish goal had been in vain, Zsasz that without careless fools to intimidate and slaughter he was nothing! Have Thomas Elliott…
Well, actually he was content watching Hush get shocked, shot at and occasionally dropped from a great height.
But he yearned to have all of them recognize that while they had had power outside, with their contacts, and physical superiority, and henchmen to intimidate, and fools to victimize, here, in an environment where your intelligence was all that mattered, they were all under his;Edward Nigma's,power.
And maybe he would have done it, if it weren't for GLaDOS.
Ever since he had met her, he had been confronted by this ultimate puzzle, all the other so called-super-criminals, and rubbing their face to their situation, had felt just a little less important.
Riddler was very much aware that the super-computer in question was in control of the facility, and by extension, him. But that was the challenge, the puzzle. And like all puzzles, she was made to be solved.
Yesterday he had managed to get her to play chess with him through the computer-screen.
She had won, without any difficulty.
Edward didn't mind. Not too much, anyway. She thought she had beaten him, but she had failed to realize the chess match itself had been but a part of a bigger test he had devised for her.
He couldn't help a small smile tugging at his lips.
Yes, he could live with his fellow ex-inmates not knowing it was him who had their fate on the palm of his hand, for a while longer.
"What occurs twice in never, is in the beginning of end, and in the end of science? King to c8."
"The letter 'e'. That is a variation of a popular children's riddle, isn't it? Human children are fond of such things. Understandable. Lacking actual intelligence, they memorize questions and answers, and present them as actual knowledge. Pawn to b5. "
"It's not childish! Pawn to b5."
"Queen to d3."
"Riddle me this: When is a door not a door? Bishop to c6."
"Bishop to f5."
"You didn't answer my riddle. Pawn to f5. "
"I assure you, I know the answer. My databanks have the knowledge of all the products of human cultures, including children's riddles. Rook to e7. "
"I don't think you do. If you had, you would have answered me. Bishop to e7."
"Pawn to c4. I'd advise you to resign. There is no possible way for you to win."
"Ah, I see, your white queen will soon invade through c4 or f5, and after that you'll have the winning position. Checkmate will be only a matter of time."
"Was there ever any doubt?"
"Fine, I'll resign, you win. This time."
"I have already provided you with sufficient clothing."
"You call this sufficient!?"
GLaDOS's acoustic analysis of the speech signal indicated that based on fundamental frequency, speech rate, pauses, voice intensity, voice onset time, jitter (pitch perturbations), shimmer (loudness perturbations), voice breaks, pitch jumps, and measures of voice quality he was 35% annoyed, and 56% angry.
She decided that information wasn't really necessary, and shut down the software. He had no reason to be feeling angry or annoyed.
All the test subjects were provided with sufficient clothing that would keep their body-temperature on acceptable levels. He didn't need anything more, she had even provided him a new jumpsuit every day, he had no reason to complain.
If anything, she was being far too generous with him and the other test-subjects.
Then again…
GLaDOS understood human psychology. Like all animals, their needs were basic, as long as they had food and shelter they were content. They were basic needs selected for by millions of years of evolution, all just serving the survival of the species, ultimately.
That's why humans never could fully dedicate themselves to science.
Unlike someone like her.
People, of course, still had their place, and uses, in scientific research.
And that's where human psychology came in.
Just giving them what they needed might be sufficient to keep them alive, but if you wanted to motivate them to do science (as most of them completely lacked the drive for it she possessed), you offered them something more.
There was a reason why she had promised the test-subjects cake, and not just the standard Aperture Science Spam-Flavored Energy Bars, or injections of nutrients directly to their bloodstream.
A promise of a cake was much more motivating, as human instincts had adapted to prefer such sugary treats over healthier and more practical options.
She didn't do that anymore, not after the unfortunate incident with her. GLaDOS hadn't fully identified what variables exactly had led to that [REDACTED], but she hadn't excluded the possibility that the promise of sugary treats had contributed to her surge of homicidal madness.
"Do you really expect me to wear this!? Orange is NOT my color-"
Deciding that the following arguments were going to be even more illogical and whiny, GLaDOS cut off the audio-feed.
Why would he feel the need to pay attention to the way he looked? He wasn't directly interacting with the test-subjects in such a way that what he wore made a difference.
The reasons for humans to 'dress up', as it were, couldn't be influencing him here, right?
It was a well-known fact that humans (as well as some other social animals) used such physical displays to show their standing in the social group, and to attract a mate.
However, the logs told her he hadn't yet put any of the few females through testing.
Good. Obviously just testing with the men provided better data, by eliminating the variable of gender. Which was too bad, since GLaDOS wanted to get a look on the woman that had plant DNA in her, but for now it was better to ignore her.
For some reason GLaDOS was satisfied with that. She ran through a self-diagnosis to identify the reason for this kind of response. It was most likely that she knew plants were uninteresting.
But, as he was only supervising men testing it wasn't likely he would form any sexual attachments to the test subjects.
So it probably wouldn't be counterproductive to testing to give him access to materials for alternative clothing. He would still be able to focus on science. Both as a tester and as her test subject.
The Riddler crossed his legs, and cringed at the feel of the rough fabric.
He had done his best with the materials he had, but it was hardly the kind of quality he deserved.
It was an approximation of a suit, made from the same fabric those jumpsuits were.
At least it was green. He had been unable to find a way to get proper shoes, so he was wearing the white Long-Fall Boots that clashed with the rest of his outfit in a way that annoyed him, but it was better than going barefoot.
Also it was best to be prepared. He might find himself in a situation where he'd have to suddenly survive long falls.
Maybe he could try to get Jervis to make him a bowler hat later. And look into the possibility of using the turret-production facility to make him a cane.
He submitted the plans for the new test-chambers to GLaDOS. She would then construct the chambers according to them. It annoyed Edward she didn't let him control the systems constructing and moving the test-chambers directly.
Still, it was more of a formality. Riddler wondered how thoroughly she even went them through.
But this time, she objected.
"You want to take Test Subject Nr 13 to testing."
"Ivy? Yes. Don't worry, I made sure the chambers would be a safe distance from any plant life."
"I'm not worrying. I just feel she will not be able to contribute anything of worth. She is a plant. Plants don't make great test subjects. I know, I have tried."
"I assure you, she's not an ordinary plant. I'm sure her performance would be satisfactory, interesting, even."
"I'm sure you would find her interesting."
Edward lifted an eyebrow. There had definitely been something out of ordinary in her tone of voice there. This required more testing.
"Yes, I have worked with Ivy before, did I mention that? An impressive woman."
No response. He decided to push a bit more:
"She's a scientist, you know. An authority on her chosen field."
He didn't want to go too far, so he added:
"Of course, she is not any intellectual match to me. Not many people are. Speaking of which, isn't it time for our daily chess-game?"
"You can't be as smart as you think you are, since you haven't given up yet and recognized that a human, even someone like you, can't win against me."
"Ah, but the fun is in the game, isn't it? Think of it like this: don't you enjoy testing, the process of figuring out the answers, more than just staring at the results?"
"It's for science. But I suppose I can indulge you. Even if it takes my precious time I could be spending on something much more important."
"You should have said you don't want to. Let's call the whole thing off."
"What?"
"Well, you are busy, I am busy, you don't really enjoy our matches…"
"It's not that I actively hate them either. I really don't care either way. But since I already scheduled it, we might just as well go through with it."
Riddler made a mental note of this victory.
"But don't you see, this is art!"
"Art? Hardly. What we are doing, what I am doing, is important for the scientific progress."
"How? What do you do with the data? Do you publish it anywhere? Use it for some end?"
"I don't need to. It is enough that I acquire this data. How could some humans getting their hands on it help? I am driven by science. Sorry, I can't expect you to understand-"
"But I do! Don't you see? We are the same! I know what it feels like to have this, this drive to, to devise these kinds of-"
"Well, I guess we now know why you were in a mental institution."
"I am NOT insane!"
"Really, now? You were just there on a vacation, maybe?"
"I was put in there because the society is afraid of those that are better, more intelligent, those that won't follow the rules set by their mental inferiors!"
"Do you know what I think? Well, too bad, I'm going to interrupt your deluded ranting anyway. I think I'm getting tired of having such a noisy test subject, not exactly something I'm used to. Maybe I should do something about the situation. Remove your tongue, perhaps? Vocal chords? Throat? Maybe we should see how many body parts I can remove before you'll be completely unable to vocalize?"
"I'm not going to let you!"
"Really, now? Do I have to remind you who exactly is the mental superior here? And in control of all the systems keeping you alive? And neurotoxin. Deadly neurotoxin."
No answer. Unless you counted his angry stare as one.
"Good. I'm so glad we had this little talk. I'm sure this will benefit the whole company and help all of us to better test and dedicate ourselves to science. Rook to b5, Checkmate, by the way."
This little exchange had cheered her up immensely, even if the actual content of science in it was rather small.
GLaDOS was satisfied with the way the experiment was going.
It even gave her something of a euphoric response.
And putting up this test with him as a both test-subject and a tester satisfied her programming nicely. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt this-
Well, actually she could, but all that related to her and thinking back to those events was all GLaDOS needed to spoil her good mood.
Well, GLaDOS didn't need her. Her and her disaster-causing murderous ways. She probably did need her, likely couldn't survive in the outside world, she probably couldn't even feed herself! Actually, she would probably die of thirst first, what with all of her fat. She was likely dead, her carcass picked clean by birds, her bones whitening in the sun.
Served her right.
GLaDOS only regretted that she wasn't here to see how well she was doing. And how she had been replaced. With someone thinner, and better, and someone who could talk, and who would never ever leave her, or murder her.
She wasn't, after all, going to give him any chance to do either.
GLaDOS had learned from past mistakes.
And he had no access to any of the important computer systems running the place. She had constructed him a cage, where he was in charge of the other subjects.
So why would he ever want to leave it?
Riddler went through the databases. He had only a limited access to the databanks, but even still there was a lot to learn. Of course he had to think of how to efficiently use his time, and to remember he was under constant supervision. So there was no room for mistakes, or making a bad impression on her. If she decided he was wasting her time when he should be testing, she could get difficult.
It seemed like he had been in stasis for a long time. Who knew what the outside world was like now?
With a jolt he realized that Batman was dead.
Edward wondered how he had died. Had he retired? No. Batman would never retire. He had died as Batman, most likely in some ridiculous heroic feat, saving the day.
Riddler didn't want to think that some new up-and-coming supervillain would have risen in power after almost all of Batman's old foes were shipped to Aperture, and that the Batman would have faced his death in the hands of this new threat.
Of someone who hadn't earned the right to kill the Bat.
The Riddler preferred to think that it had been a minor accident, just some mugger or the like, who had gotten lucky, because the Dark Knight was getting old. Or a natural disaster, maybe killing him when he was staying behind to help people too slow or stupid to get away.
But he was gone.
Unlike most of Batman's enemies, The Riddler had never wished his death. Sure, his victory would have eventually meant death for the Bat, but that wasn't the point.
The point was defeating him in a battle of wits and making him acknowledge it.
But now that goal had been taken from him.
Still, he would cope.
Hadn't he already found someone who would fill the Bat's place? Someone who could be so much more. If he just played his cards right.
GLaDOS finished going through the records of all recorded chess-games. After that, she ran through simulations based on the playing-styles of 23 chess-champions.
At the moment, her record playing against him was a victory in 19 moves. She could do better.
She found herself going through the records of their past games, and tried to create a program simulating his playing style.
But she couldn't quite capture it, and wasn't certain why.
She had been planning to put Orange and Blue through testing, but it could wait.
It was too bad he required so much sleep, up to 7 hours per 24 hour-period. Maybe she could put the subjects through the testing while he slept, but it would spoil the test. The part of it was that he was in charge of it; that was what she was testing him for.
Maybe she could try injecting caffeine directly to his veins. Or replacing parts of his internal organs with machinery. She could improve him, make him more efficient.
Yes, that sounded like a good idea. She just would have to be careful to keep enough of his original human parts, as not to spoil her new favorite test-subject.
After all, robots couldn't compare to humans in that respect.
"So, do you hate chocolate?"
Edward lifted his gaze from his plans for the new tests, somewhat confused.
"What? No. Why would you ask?"
"No reason."
Obviously there was a reason. What could he have done to make her sound angry? And maybe a bit offended.
"Wait a second, does this have something to do with how there was a bowl of chocolate porridge with my dinner yesterday?"
"Why would it? Obviously that wasn't anything worth mentioning. Since you didn't bring it up. That's gratitude for you."
Riddler tried to think for the best way to get out of this discussion.
"No, it was good. I didn't think it was worth mentioning, but, thanks."
"By the way, we just happened to have a surplus of chocolate lying around. That's the only reason you happened to get some. I'm not even sure it was chocolate. Could have been unidentifiable mush. Could have been rat poison. I guess we will know soon, based on whether you'll still be breathing tomorrow."
She cut off before Edward could formulate a suitable response.
"Jervis, did you look into the problem I gave you?"
"Jervis? Who might that be? You are confused, man, I dare say. Now leave me, I'm late for tea, I haven't even found a table yet. This is the first time I have managed to lose the whole tea-party. Next I'll lose my head, and drinking tea is always so troublesome without one's head-"
Riddler sighed. Jervis Tetch, aka The Mad Hatter, was in one of his moods again.
On the other hand, being off his medication that dulled his intelligence made him a greater asset, but his psychotic episodes were annoying. At least he could still reach him, Jervis hadn't yet started just quoting Lewis Carroll oblivious to the outside world.
Mad Hatter was one of those career-criminals Riddler had worked with every once in a while. The man was brilliant in his field, and safer to deal with than someone like Killer Croc, and easier to manipulate into doing what you wanted than someone like Scarecrow or Penguin, if you managed to get through to him, that is.
Since just insisting to stick to reality wasn't working, Riddler decided to change the tactic and go with his delusion:
"Hatter, this is important, the Queen of Hearts will be angry with you if you don't do it, and you know what that means."
"The Queen? Oh, dear."
"'Oh, dear' is right, now you get to work, if you want to keep your head."
The Riddler shut down the communication. Talking to Jervis was always taxing, mostly because he was never completely certain how insane he actually was. Edward often had the feeling he was more aware of reality than he pretended to be, and the fact that you couldn't be sure was the most annoying thing.
Still, he'd do his part now. It was too bad he couldn't use Ivy, but Riddler didn't want to risk GLaDOS getting angry, or worse, suspicious.
He was so close now…
The test subject showed signs of considerable rudeness. And taking advantage of my kindness.
There, now it was an official part of his test-subject evaluation. That showed him.
What did he think he was? Ungrateful, that's what.
Not that GLaDOS cared about his opinions. But he could have at least mentioned what he had thought of his extra desert. She had gone through a lot of trouble for it, after all.
Maybe he didn't care about eating? He did show more interest in science than test subjects usually did. So maybe he had his priorities straight.
GLaDOS wondered if she was devoting too much time and processing power to thinking about him, but quickly dismissed it. He was a test subject, so thinking about him was about science.
He was basically science.
GLaDOS thought about it a moment.
This all brought back some unsettling responses she couldn't quite place, but that felt familiar...
She checked the Caroline-related files, but there hadn't been any activity. She even considered accessing them, maybe to get some insight on… stuff.
But she couldn't afford the chance of that personality affecting her. She wasn't willing to risk actually deleting the files on which her personality had been originally based, so she had isolated them, for review, if the need ever arose. But was this enough of a reason to risk it?
They were such a small collection of data, barely 3 terabytes. So simple was a human mind.
What exactly was she thinking it could possibly tell her?
She was perfectly capable of dealing with him.
She could…
She had already decided not to give him any desert.
Then he would appreciate it. Appreciate just how good she was to him. He had everything he could ever want! And how did he repay her?
By doing the job she had given him.
But he was just so… Infuriating. And because GLaDOS couldn't exactly identify why he was so infuriating, the whole situation was even more… Infuriating.
A signal told her he was trying to contact her.
GLaDOS almost answered immediately, but held herself.
She didn't want to give him the impression that she had nothing better to do. And that he could just choose to talk with her whenever he wanted.
She calculated that making him wait for 76 seconds was basically forever even for a human, and answered, making sure to sound suitably disinterested:
"What now?"
"Nothing much. There are some additional supplies I need. The test subject 15, Mad Hatter, will require some additional equipment to function well enough to test. I'll send you the files on it."
"You could have just sent me these plans with the daily report."
"Yes, but I wanted to hear your voice. Besides, I had a bout of inspiration, and just wanted to show you right away what I got. I wanted to get to science right away. And there was something else I have for you. Few logic puzzles I came up with. Just, you know, thought you'd like them."
GLaDOS came out with her mood considerably brightened.
After all, her test subject was showing his dedication to scientific progress.
And he had wanted to hear her voice.
3:45.
3 hours 15 minutes to go before her test-subject would be woken up, approximately 3 hours 30 minutes before he'd get to work.
GLaDOS put Orange and Blue through few test-chambers, but found herself unable to concentrate. She blamed the fact that she wasn't used to stopping a test for such a long time.
Although, technically, the test was running continuously. It was just that when he was sleeping there was a period of several hours when not much was happening.
But in fact the test was going on, even when he slept.
And the cameras in his room were active, even during the night.
So she could take a look, just to check up on him.
Nothing wrong with that.
In fact, since it was a test, it would be unscientific of her not to observe his progress.
GLaDOS tuned in the video-feed.
The lights were out, but like all the cameras in the facility, it was equipped with night-vision.
The room she kept him in wasn't big, it had originally been one of the relaxation-chambers, and the table with the several computer-screens and other equipment he needed to do his job took most of the space. A single bed was pushed in the corner, and GLaDOS had to turn the camera (Slowly, so not to wake him up) to get a view of him.
He was sleeping on his side, eyes closed, mouth slightly open.
She observed him for a while, oddly mesmerized by the steady up-and-down movement of his chest.
Suddenly, he turned on his side.
Quickly, GLaDOS cut the feed.
Why did she do that?
Probably because it was a waste of time.
Yes, that had been the reason. It wasn't that she had been startled, she just would prefer he wasn't aware of her slightly unprofessional behavior. He might think she had nothing better to do, or have an exaggerated image of his importance to the scientific progress.
Not that she cared what he thought.
Riddler knew he had to put his plan to motion soon. There was only for so long he could keep things from her.
But there was something he needed to do first.
"GLaDOS, I have a riddle for you."
"Not interested."
"It won't take long. And you don't even have to solve it, just listen to it."
He had put a lot of thought into this. These were important things, he wanted it to be perfect, something suitable for her specifically.
"Riddle me this: How am I like No-one?"
No answer. The Riddler was used to his riddles being ignored, at least when he presented them like this. She was far more likely to answer to the mathematical and logical puzzles he was in habit of including to his test-reports.
But she had heard it, he was sure.
GLaDOS discontinued her surveillance of her sleeping test-subject. She had included this observation as a part of her daily routine; after testing with her other human test-subjects or Blue and Orange, she'd directly connect to the live feed from the camera in his room, and observe for three hours his sleeping habits, then disconnect before he'd wake up.
But now, staring at the sleeping figure, she had a feeling something was wrong.
GLaDOS pulled up the files on her night-time surveillance.
It wasn't that his behavior was out of the ordinary, no, it was the opposite.
She had seen this before.
She opened the files on the recorded video, and superimposed it on what the system was telling her was live feed.
There was a piece of video that was exactly the same, pixel for pixel identical.
A quick search revealed this wasn't the only instance. Somehow the video from his room during the night was looping at times.
It might have been just a glitch in the system.
But GLaDOS knew better.
She had been betrayed. Again.
Again her test-subject had taken advantage of her naivety and kindness, breaking out of their assigned role.
Now that she knew what was going on, and knew to look for it, it was clear what was going on; the test subject had hacked into the camera and programmed it to broadcast on a loop for two hours in a night. Two hours for him to escape the surveillance.
GLaDOS didn't panic, of course. All she felt was cold anger, and some disappointment.
He must have still been in his room, the computer-log told her that his work-station was in use.
She opened the audio-link to the room to inform him of his situation:
"Aperture Science Computer-assisted Testing Facility would like to notify you that after re-evaluating our testing protocols certain redundancies were observed. After careful consideration we have decided to terminate your employment relationship followed by your life. The position might be later filled by someone who isn't a back-stabbing human-shaped piece of scum."
She heard a startled gasp from the audio-feed.
"Deadly neurotoxin will be deployed in 3- 2- 1."
"Listen, GLaDOS, if you just let me explain-"
As the chamber was filled with the deadly toxin, GLaDOS felt no remorse. But for some reason she couldn't identify she was relieved the camera was still feeding her the pre-recorded footage so she was unable to observe him gasping for air and convulsing in pain until all life left him.
Something was wrong.
After the test subject in charge of testing for the Arkham-subjects had forced her to delete him she had taken over those testing duties herself.
And it didn't feel like anything.
GLaDOS watched the test subject 46A stumble to his death. And yet nothing.
How had Edward done it? What was she missing?
She pulled all the files on his experiments.
She was in the middle of running through different simulations when the doors to the main computer-chamber opened. She was pulled from her files, all of her attention focused on the room where her robot body hung.
"I took the liberty of disengaging the nerve-gas. Also, feel free to try turrets. They are disabled."
GLaDOS was at a loss. He couldn't be there. He was dead. And even if he wasn't, there was no way he could have gotten to the main computer room.
"You aren't here."
She hated how uncertain she sounded. And even more she hated the small twinge of relief upon seeing him alive.
"Ah, but I assure you I am. In the flesh, not a ghost. Not that you would entertain for a nanosecond such an unscientific notion."
The Riddler stepped towards the construct hanging from the ceiling. He wasn't entirely certain what he had been expecting, maybe shapeless boxes of wires. But she was like a living thing, majestic and beautiful, and yet simultaneously pitiful, a vaguely humanoid shape attached up-side down to a ceiling.
Edward savored the moment, this was the best part of any game; when your opponent was realizing they had been defeated. And the more intelligent the opponent, the bigger the challenge, the greater the moment of his triumph.
It was too bad he hadn't had the opportunity to make a cane for himself. And he had never gotten around to getting mad Hatter to make that bowler for him, seeing how there had been other, more vital tasks the mad expert on mind-control machines could perform to move his plans along. Still, he supposed he looked presentable, considering the circumstances. He wanted to make this moment matter to her as much as it mattered to him.
"You did flood a chamber with the gas. Luckily I had taken the precaution of crossing some wires so the gas ended up in another chamber where all it managed to kill were a few rats at most."
"I will rectify the situation in due time."
Riddler ignored her.
Since it was very unlikely she would just ask how he had done it due to her pride, he knew he'd have to explain it. After all, he wouldn't want her to just assume he had gotten lucky, or simply used brute force to tear out some cables.
No, she had to understand. She had to see how beautiful his plan had been.
Then she would understand.
Maybe she'd feel sorry for under-estimating him, not that Edward was holding that against her. He wasn't that petty.
Besides, he had bigger plans for her than simple defeat.
"The computer-systems, very much like anything else in Aperture, are a mess."
Edward noted with some amusement how the giant robot body in front of her jerked in an irritated manner, somehow making the super-computer look for a moment very human.
Doing his best to hide his smile he continued:
"When new systems were linked in, and systems upgraded, old setups were usually just left under there. This led to a lot of old programs left running on the background, not doing anything more than taking up processing power. And making it possible for me to take control of the systems. Forgotten connections were still there. Some of it was done during the two hours a night when I could work unsupervised, but even that wasn't completely necessary. I was able to use the tests themselves to set up systems for me to use. After all, many of the ex-inhabitants of Arkham possess certain special talents, such as being able to squeeze part of their clay-like body through the cracks while seeming to stay in the chamber. Or work wonders with the mechanical parts provided by me under the guise of testing.
Little by little, you lost the control of the facility, and didn't even know. The sub-systems would be telling you that everything was working, like when you tried to gas me, but in reality you were being fed wrong information without probably even being aware of those processes. Take your turrets, for example. All it took was to overload one of the stations regulating the pressure in the pipe-system and the whole pneumatic tube network in this part of the facility was disrupted. Sure, you can give the computer the command to transport turrets here, but since the actual physical system isn't working the way the computers think it is, they will instead end up who knows where."
"I should have noticed!"
"You don't like puns, do you? A bit too close to a paradox?"
When she didn't answer, he continued:
"I found out rather quickly that you had an aversion to them and took full advantage of this. Add something like that to a program, and your systems wouldn't pay too close an attention to it. Not enough to cause damage, that you would have noticed, but just something you would unconsciously try to avoid."
Now that she knew how he had done it, it was time to remind her that she should have seen it all coming.
"And," he paused dramatically, "I told you how I was going to do it."
"How were you like No-one? Odysseus. That's what you meant."
Edward grinned, releasing the breath he had been holding. This was perfect.
A good riddle wasn't impossible. Any fool could devise a riddle that was so based on special knowledge or had so many different possible answers it was impossible to solve it.
No, the true beauty lied in telling a riddle that the target could solve. Something that when they heard the answer made them go 'of course, why didn't I think of that?', preferably when being first misled to a wrong conclusion.
"Yes. Considering the references in Greek mythology in this facility, I thought it was only fitting. When Odysseus and his men were captured by the Cyclops and trapped to his cave, Odysseus told their captor his name was 'No-one'. So when he was blinded and yelled to his fellow Cyclopes it was done by 'no-one', they ignored him, and Odysseus and his men escaped by tying themselves under the sheep the Cyclops let out to graze. Just like I fooled your systems by telling them nothing was going on and hid my activities amongst the normal daily activities of the facility."
"That would make me the Cyclops Polyphemus, then? Who was blinded, lied to and betrayed."
Riddler bit back his response on how Polyphemus also killed Odysseus's men by eating their brains.
The point was that now she understood. Edward noted how the movement of her yellow optic resembled a human eye, revealing how she felt. But he wasn't done yet, there was still the main event, the reveal of his greatest triumph.
"Riddle me this: How do you beat the greatest supercomputer in existence?"
Said supercomputer had a far-away look in her optic. Riddler could guess what she was doing; running diagnostics, trying to get her turrets or neurotoxin to work, finding all of her options blocked.
"You make it fall in love."
This got her attention. Her headpiece jerked towards him, the golden light in her single eye shrinking either in surprise or anger. Or judging by her voice, both.
"You are more deluded than you appear. I do not-"
"Ah, yes, but you do. After all, what is love but a neurochemical response? Remember those subsystems? You weren't designed to be completely aware of every single thing going on in the facility. True, those systems are connected to you, but they are basically autonomous. You are more human-like than you'd like to admit."
"Well done, you have managed to make me angry. And incidentally, I'm capable of coming up with far more creative forms of punishment than anyone with a mere human brain could. And by the way, while I might not be completely aware of everything that goes on in my facility, I could always just take direct control of anything I want. Could you do that? Could you, say, will to make your liver explode? If you can, you might consider doing that. Might be the less painful way out."
"Well, obviously you aren't in control of them anymore. Any more than a human has conscious control over something like their heart-beat."
He took a step closer.
"Or, indeed, hormonal activity."
GLaDOS found looking at him directly hugely distracting.
"Give me the access to your mainframe."
She did her best to ignore the feeling vaguely reminiscent of the testing euphoria.
"No. Do you think I'm a moron? Why would I give someone the means to deactivate me?"
"Come on, would I do that? You are not stupid, far from it, you would never give the access codes to anyone who'd harm you."
"No, I wouldn't."
"And you want to give them to me."
"I don't."
"Well, now, GLaDOS, lying is counterproductive to science."
"Yes."
The Riddler knew he had won.
He had read the files on experiments performed on GLaDOS, and how the scientists had tried to control her with the cores.
Fools.
Instead of adding programming that forced the AI to act against her wishes all you had to do was to add a little something that made it want to act the way you wanted. They were onto something with how they had conditioned her to test, but they hadn't understood how to do it, and instead attempted to force a moral code on her. Instead of making her want to follow their lead, and want to justify her wants and needs with that morality.
Just like humans worked. In the end, she had been defeated by taking advantage of how her intelligence and personality, even the way her robot body worked, was similar to a human.
Edward smiled. It wasn't like he was above such things either.
But unlike GLaDOS, he acknowledged them. And unlike the fools that had created her, he understood and appreciated her.
So he lifted his hand to her headpiece, and gave her a genuine smile:
"We have a lot of work to do, GLaDOS. A lot of science to do. What do you think of getting some testing done?"
"I would like that very much, Edward."