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Lilyfern113 β this is how I really feel: FML
Published: 2011-10-22 22:51:50 +0000 UTC; Views: 4210; Favourites: 95; Downloads: 15
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yep, this about sums it up. =.= This is my life, atleast how i REALLY feel right now. Oh yes, things r bad. i mean, lets see, WELL, algebra is impossible because my teachers SUCKS and the WHOLE class of AIG (the super smat kids) is failing her class, school is telling me i HAVE to read THEIR library books, and take tests and make a certain amount of points, and it MIGHT be okay iF all of their books werent totally lame and about the war, and all of them r written in the early 19 hundreds or 1800s! what the F*CK?!?!??!?! they SUCK< and today, i just found out that over SIX NOEW BOOKS from the series i read have already come out, and i didnt know about it until just today! god!!! not tom mention the choll makes me read THEIR books, which r boring anf huge, so i have no time to get any other books from the over 20 series of chapter books that i am already reading! I havent even GONE to the good big REAL library in MONTHS!!! And i usually go atmost every 3 weeks, and LITERALLY GET OVER 12 BOOKS THAT R CHAPTER BOOKS EACH TIME!!! and their all supernatural stuff, action, blood, werewolfs, horror, witches, stuff like that! Not that shit that the school has! God!!!I dont want to eat anything, i feel like a nervous frickin WRECK, i twitch, im a mess, i cant sit still, and though i wont go into the rediculous details, long story short my dad tried to kidnap me, my sis and mom from a beach hotel on a vacation we were on, lets just say, well, they got into THE HUGEST FIGHT EVER and we were LITERALLY HIDING FROM MY DRUNKEN FATHER in a friends hotel room who came with us, trying to hide so he wont find us, got our hiding rooms changed about 6 times, cuz he DID FIND US, then mrs.jenny got us back, then we went to another, then another, then another, then in the morning, after a night of no sleep and yelling everywhere we went, a huge fight broke out during breakfast infront of a dozen other people, mrs.jenny made my dad leave us, so he wouldnt get us all hurt or killed, and he took the car, which had ALL OUR STUFF in it, ALL OUR MONEY, bathingsuits, everything. so now, not only had EVERYONES trip to the beach een ruined, but we had NO spending mone, NO BATHINGSUITS< which SUCKED cuz we were at the beach, so we couldnt even go into the water, had to get a ride home with mrs.jenny, and they r now going through a very very VERY lud, violent, and awful divorce, which to make things worse, NO ONE at school except 2 people, meh best friends, cake3211 and Sarah, know about it, so no one thinks anything is wrong, but it IS!!!
I keep drawing EXTREMELY violent, emo, sad, depressed, gorey things, demon animals, etc. AND NO ONE THINKS IM INSANE!!! how the HELL do they NOT think somethings wrong with me?!?! I MIGHT be semi okay, but here is something that both thrills and confuses me: INSANITY LITERALLY RUNS IN MY FAMILY!!! thats right, it does! you heard me right! the sweet, creepy little smart blonde artist girl who never speaks to almost anyone in school has a history of clinical insanity in her fucked up family! U heard right!
SO, i dont know all the details, though i want to, but anyway, on my father's(who i think is literally insane) side of the family , anyways, atleast 2 aunts of his r literally clinicaly mentally insane, because one of them got LOCKED UP ZFOR LIFE because she did something NO ONE will tell me what she did, though it was murder, if i remember right, and she ALSO took animals, cats mostly, and slammed her door on them over and over may times, until they were dead, and was literally insane. another one is also insane, though i dont know why or what she did, but i think shes in a clinic for it now. idk.
so yeah, long story short, I believe i have AT MOST a 50% percent chance of LITERALLY BEING CLINACALLY MEBTALLY INSANE AND UNSTABLE! yeah, u heard me right! its true! i knew it!!! see, now i KNOW its not just me, i mean, the shit that goes on in my head, im not kidding, is CINSTANT MESSED P GORY FREAKY ASS SHIT!!! seriously! EVen I dont know everything that goes on in their! take a look at my sketchbooks, youll see what i mean! and no one has figured out that most of the girls in the pictures r ME!! THATS< RIGHT< ME!!! cant they see how the blonde hair covers the left eye? the blue eyes? THE FREAKING OPAL NECKLACE OR CHOKER?!?!?! seriously, how blind ARE these oeople?!!?!?!
school has taken over my life, i hate everything, all the guys r acting weird around me lately, idk why, but they r. Im stutering, cant keep eye contact, having trouble sleeping, having mood swings, constantly, i go from feeling like everythings falling apart and i just cant keep it all together,
to feeling (this one is the worst one for me, and the one i feel like most) like im trapt inside a box, a very, VERY small box, like school has just taken everything i once held sacred away from me, mainly me ability to read what i want, and my art, My art is good, really good, though i hate n=boasting or praise, lord know WHY, but they have consumed my life, if i dont pass algebra 1, well, i cant get a good job ike i want to, get kicked out of THE National Junior Honor SOciety, a society for kids who r EXTRZEMEYLY SMAT all across th country, wont be able to gt into the National Honor Society (for older people), ont get into a good college, and I keep playing sadistic, crazy, insane screemo, emo, hard rock, hard core, evil, scary loud, evil goth punk hate or super depressive emo sad heartbroken betrayed hate sorrow ful music, and apparently, a few songs fit my life perfectly:
"Im not okay" by My chemical Romance(especially this one)
Brainstew by Greenday(my life. he is singing it out.)
Welcome to my life by simple plan(this one seriously describes it =.
Im just a kid by Simple Plan
Runaway by Linkin Park
Hero by Skillet
Demolition Lover by My chemical romance
Issues by Escape the fate(this one alot, too)
Scars by Pap Roach
and a ton of others. but they r all good songs, and i love those bands, so you should really look them up!!!!
not to mention im a ugly mess covered in acne, crooked teeth, witha lot of medical problems, has few friends, and my friends r acting odd, everyones changing, im a teen with too much on her mind, a love hating little grump, and the only thing keeping me from jumping off a roof top into a freesing river is Cake3211, who keeps me alive without knowing it, and my few close nerd friends. Withouth them there for me to talk to, and take cae of, i wouldnt know what the hell to do. so yeah, and oddly enough, no one has so so much as acted like anything could possibly be wrong with me, like im perfectly healthy in every way possible. Heh, are THEY ever WRONG! i need help i think, but do i WANT help? HELL NO!!!
plus, i hate artists block. i get bored, i have A.D.D, i cant focus, algebra bores me, and we r in the middle of taking the nine weeks tests. so yeah, im stressed the f*ck out. nuf said.
plus WAY more is SOOOO wrong with my ultra super f*cked up life, but do i tell anyone my problems?> no. Not even cake3211 kew al this until just now. that is, if she even reads it. i dk, she DOES have a short attention span.. oh well.
anyway, besides that, its a shout out, where u write everything everyone elose or yourself thinks/feels. this is how i feel. But, what am i gonna do, eh? I cant do anything about it. besides, when im older (if i dont get cancer before then, cuz mothers side has a history of cancer and i have alot of odd uncheked moles and bumps on me, so yeah) cake3211 is gonna move in with me, aint gonna pay reant or nothin, and from what i understand, is gonna potentially attack my future cats and dogs. plus, ill be building a 2 story in my parents back field, so im gonna have my mom with me constantly. cuz thats just what i wannt, my bitch of a mother harassing me and telling me how ugly i ma all the time. just FUCKING GREAY!!! =.=
so yes, im screwed up and covered in scars and cuts from glass and boxcutters, but ya know what? its too bad, so not only does my past and present suck, but so does my FUTURE! plus other crao im not even gonna say, cuz me n cake r gonna get aressted if i say anything for our plans. so yeah, i hate it. feel my emoness, bitches!!!
comment if u want, idk.
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Comments: 42
I feel the exact way... and worse every day... i am alone... everything is gone and all hope is gone... They left me in the middle of nothing... but i wont let this build up inside of me... i'll make it on my own... heartless.. cause this is what they made me...
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Listen, I don't know who you are, but I'm here if you need to talk. Please. Don't hurt yourself.
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Holy...
Ok. This is super fucking late but I feel like I have to say this.
I have no fucking clue who you are, no idea what you're really going through here, if you're still going through it, or if you're even on DA to read this anymore. All I know is that you ever need to talk to someone I'm here. I don't give a fuck that we've never met and neither of us knows anything about the other, this is frightening and I feel like I should help you. Self harm and suicide are not good. Please, if you still feel like this, come talk to me. I'll help.
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This:
Erik: nothing matters. life is empty. yeaβ¦still full of meaning, not meaning.
David: things. life is full of things and they all have no meaning.
Erik: and they all result in complete emptiness. In the face of that annihilation creatures such as the kangarooster still live and flourish and lead happy lives. because they know that since nothing matters, it doesnβt matter that nothing matters, and thereβs no reason to be sad about it. unless you want to. but you could also be happy about it if youο»Ώ wanted to.
β Erik Engstrom and David Isen of HORSE the band.
Or read Schopenhauer (I just hope you understand that he means to say that there is always someone out there who is suffering far worse than you. ALWAYS.)
So yeah.
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I know how you feel, like your world is falling apart and no one seems to notice or care. School's a bitch too, and artist's block is a motherfucker when all you want to do is write out your feelings. Cutting is the last resort because you kinda WANT people to see what is happening, but all you get is yelled at. Plus it's some kind of pain that you can control. And then it sucks even MORE when your home life has gone to shit too. You're, like, just empty. You feel everything and nothing at the same time. You want to scream and cry and tear your body to pieces to make it stop. I know what you're going through. If you ever need someone to talk to, just note me, ok?
My song would probably be "I Live With You" by Grizzly Bear. It's not usually my type of music, but I like this one. Either that or "Dead Hearts" by Stars.
Oh, and I've been arrested before and TRUST me; NOT WORTH IT! It blows monster cock, so don't do anything to crazy.
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hey i know how you feel ok, but your STRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!you will survive...im being cyberbullied on this website.but i ignore them...my emotion is what they are doing to me!you are beutiful they way you are!STAY STRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Yeah, i know how it feels! I struggle with anxiety and school and loneliness even hate everywhere but im not broken yet, i have a plaster to keep me Alive on my life, it broke once and may twice but not three times!
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I feel that way sometimes, I'm never suicidal, but the others, like, "Why should I care?" is basically the question of my life. I ask it a lot.
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I feel the exact same way.Its like wtf ppl what did i ever do to you?
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I feel this way a lot. But I try to ignore what my mind is telling me, which never works.
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I'm in Algebra one.
If you need help, not me?
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I know how you feel life is stressful, I'm ugly I have acne, i'm short, not to mention I'm a vegan and people bully me constantly! Teachers are idiots. I have to read crappy books too. My family's overbearing. My friends are acting like total bitches! The song that describes me is numb by Linkin Park.
I get through it by imagining dreadful this happening to people and listening to screamo and metal!
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cool! ^^' and lol, i do the same thing to get through the day! ^^" ^^'
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Hey, miss.
Not to be rude.
But people that truly are insane have NO idea they ever could be insane at all.
So if you think you are insane = You are not, so no worries about that.
What I'm saying is that it is a scientific fact that ppl that actually are insane, have no slightest idea they could ever be insane. Because to them they are perfectly normal.
..And oh- When I browsed down this site I saw now that some one else had written about the same thing that I had. But it's true what we say.
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umm, ok. i suppose its the same thing as i wrote when the first person said that. ^^" ^^' but thanks for the info...?...
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Yes, I am sorry for writing something someone else already had written, heh xD But thank youuu for the understanding!
I just thought it was very stupid of you to constantly say that you thought you were insane, like.. It almost sounded that you obviously must be insane. But you are not, I can tell you for a fact. You might have some kind of.. hm.. phobia? / Or a little "disturbed mind", as I like to call it, but sweetheart- That is NOT the same as being insane. And you do not want to be insane either, I can also tell you that for a fact. ^^
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oh trust me, i dont want to be insane, its like i said the first time, i guess! ^^" well, i guess you might just be right about me having a 'disturbed mind', which is likely the case. and likely a good phobia or 2 as well, definately atleast ONAe phobia about bees and anythign like em.... and thanks u once again for explaining a bit! ^^'
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Welcome!
And yes if you think that sounds more like it it is probably it.
But still I would not maybe go as far and call it a "disturbed mind", either.. Or. Like, I just call it "disturbed mind" if you have really rare and sickening thoughts.
But you know: to get feelings and thoughts you may think are REALLy weird, and you may think aren't normal and just all "insane" like thoughts, may be actually more normal than you think! Actually, it's perfectly normal to have such depressing thoughts at the "teenager-years", if u get what I'm saying. x)
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yes, i think i understand! ^^" but i do admit, i DO have rare and often sickening thoughts,...
and i suppose your rgith! ^^
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Aha, so you have these thoughts, is that so? Ok, I see! Well. I have "sickening thoughts" at random times. And since I have such twisted at times, I thought like; "..OMG lol, this is not right. I have got to be insane, or..? Lol, what." And then I found out the fact that (as said); As long as you may wonder if you are insane- That's one way to know you are not. Because you now know that insane people doesn't know they are insane.
OK let me explain it like this; "insane" is very underestimated. Being insane is being... completely outta your mind. You (and I for that sake as well) are _not_ insane!
And you know another thing? - It's normal! No one knows what goes on exactly in our minds. None of us. The sweetest-looking-acting person you know could have the "sickest" thoughts! But that's just kinda human nature. We are free to think whatever we want to.
And neither do I think you have a phobia. Because a "phobia" is the fear of something. Or.. It may be that you have phobia, for all I know! Say, are you afraid of anything? / Is there something you really "hate"/ dislike?
:]
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thanks again for explaingin even more! ^^
and something im afraid of or hate? Goodness,the list goes on and on! but, somethign i know for a fact that i am terrified of for no apparent reason is bees, wasps, anything like that, for some reason! XD i actually think its a phobia of those things, really, because every tiem one gets near me i throw myself to the ground or hind behidn someone else! XD
Are YOU afraid of anything?
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Aha, I see.. You might have a wasp phobia then. ..Ahah, but nah, just relax I bet even the strongest man can be afraid of wasps xD I am not really fond of them either, but I am not that afraid of them, heh.
If _I_ am afraid of anything? Huh, that was an unexpected question x) But I guess.. I am "afraid" of stress, and of violent acts, and certain insects.
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huh, i guess so. ^^ and it isnt really all THAT strange, afterall, you asked me that! ^^" and i suppose i can relate to those, ya know. Roaches often disgust me along with bees, but thats just cuz roaches are just disgusting, atleast i think so! X)
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Hahah, but it's normal, for some weird reason, to think those animals are like.. gross and stuff. Hah. xD
But I am talking more psychically if you know what I mean. If you fear some kind of feeling or anything. Or situations. That is something completely different than being afraid of animals and abstract stuff, hehe
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lol, yeah, i guess so.
But fears of situations or feelings? Hmm, well, ugh, umm, heheh, see, I am absolutely hopeless when it comes to any form of romantic realationships or anything o the sort....and i also kinda fear any situation inwhich i would someho be trapped inside of a tanningbed. Ive never used them, but i just really fear being trapped inside of one, ya know?
does that work for your questions?
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I know, first time I tried tanningbed I was like.... oh god... CLAUSTROPHOBIAA!1 but I really just thought; "Ah. Ok. I want to be brown for prom and it's harmless." I just think like that (exept the "I want to be brown for prom"-part xD) in every difficult/ scary situation I'm in.
Instead of being afraid, I.... I just do it. (:
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I read the whole thing and although I admitt that you do have some problems (with your drunk father and all that, the problems with school will go over when you grow up) but I feel that I need to tell you a little thing about insanity...
If you were insane, you wouldn't know it. Insane people think they're okay when they're really not. Besides, insanity is not something you want to have, it's not pleasant, it does not make you special. Drawing gory drawings does not make you insane at all, a lot of people enjoy that and are perfectly mentally healthy. People are right: You are not insane. I believe that those around you would have noticed, they haven't so you're most likely a normal teenager. I think you just desperately want to feel special or different, but you need to realize that being insane is not something you want. Trust me, if you were insane you wouldn't even know it.
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umm, thanks. I appeeciate the fact that u r trying to explain all this to me, and I have come to a full understanding already, though. My medication has increased dramatically since then, and i am now in a bit more control of my weird emotions. And though new problems continue to arise in my freaky life, i have now learned to accept it and just take the threats,mental physical and emotional stress without complaint these days. And i believe you may have misunderstood a thing or 2, if u dont mind me saying. ^^" I never said i WANTED to be insane, its just that everyone around me said i was and i really just didnt have any way of telling if i was or not, ya know? I never thought i was a freak until the kids at school began insulting and talking about me behind my back. Thats when i realized i was just a weirdo goth chic to them, and it really made me begin to think that everyone was out to get me, i started hiding and acting all paranoid and stuff, which only made evrything worse for me.
But, now that my meds have increased, i now see what an odd sight i must have been! but i can see how i was wrong in believing that the history of mental and physical health may bery well have affected me back then. Though i have been informed that it IS still posssible for helath and possibly some mental issues in the furture, but i have found that i should be stable now, due to the increse in my perscription.
i must say though, i dont want to be insane, its just as i said earlier, everyone else (Including my own family members!) said i was so i really couldnt tell who was right anymore. Thats when my paranoia started to kick in, but i believe i have it mostly under control for now. ^^' amd u r right, i DONT want to be normal, but not in the way u might think! ^^" i simply dont fit in well with other people, and do things others shun and strongly disagree with. but im ok with it nowadays, so it doesnt really bother me as much to be called "different" and "freak".
thank u for explaining it to me. i appreciate when people explain things to me, and your comment was greatly appreciated! ^^'
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I understand, as long as you don't wish to be insane to just be different from others. You should also remember that if you do have a mental illness, it does not equal being insane. Being insane is to be completely out of your mind, if you're still able to talk and act like a normal person, you're not insane.
One thing I wonder though: You said that people did NOT think you're insane but you did? 
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well, urghh, its kinda both! ^^" see, some days i wonder why no one has sent me to the councilor or therapy or anything, ya know?
but, others DO say im crazy, wacko, insane, etc, and i sometimes really just cant tell the difference if im crazy or not, i suppose i may not be insane, but i must admit, emotional, physical, and i suppose even mental problems do occur in my family, and i guess in me too, idk.
so all in all, i guess some days people say im crazy and i dont belive it, and often people dont DO anything when they think i might be crazy, and it just makes me wonder how on earth could they not do anything if thye THINK there is something wrong with me..
hope i cleared it up for u! ^^"
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My guess is that you're just a normal teenager. Trust me, I don't have ONE friend who haven't had emotional problems and have believed that they had a mental illness or something like that. But being "crazy" and just being emotional are two very different things, every teenagers feels like the world is against them and they're not "normal". I just think you're normal, even if you like to draw gory stuff or something like that, it doesn't make you any less normal.
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umm, thanks! ^^ though i suppose i must inform u, i am actually not normal! ^^" but not in the crazyish way, i dont think, just in a "Well, she's certainly odd" kinda way! ^^" but im fine with that, really! ^^"
and thank u for clearing a few thing supo for me.
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awww, thanks!
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You're very welcome.
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oh, thanks. well, good to know, i guess. sheesh, when u read all that, dont iit become painfully obvious that my life sucks?=.=
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