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Description
Andy’s P.O.V.
First day back on tour for me was something of a production. After all three of the bands on the tour got moved to three different flights, baggage being lost and then found within 20 minutes, and dealing with the negative 15 degree wind chill in Canada, I was convinced that this second half of the tour would be a nightmare. True, I was already a bit annoyed since I was going to be on the road for Christmas and my birthday, but being blasted by gale force winds right off the plane isn’t exactly a fun way to start tour. At least in Europe everything just turns into rain.
I was relieved when we made our way to the hotel so we could rest for a few hours before heading to the venue. I took a nap, got my shit together, changed my clothes, and answered a few e-mails. It wasn’t until I got into a cab with Ashley that I actually had someone to talk to.
“Hey you.” Ashley’s usually flamboyant voice was marred by the cold, making it shake.
“Southern boy isn’t used to the cold, is he?” I teased, dusting the snow off my jacket. I wasn’t as used to the cold since I had been living in California since 2009, this was true. But the long, bitterly cold winters of my youth made me well prepared for a life of traveling to places which often saw mounds of snow on the ground that people just seemed to get used to.
“Oh be quiet Biersack.” He scolded in an unintimidating voice, wiping his nose on the side of his leather gloves. “I-It’s too cold for this shit.”
“What? It could be worse.” I said as I settled in, earning myself a ‘what the fuck’ look from my best friend and making me laugh.
“Whatever, just talk about something else.” He asked, pulling off his hand coverings and rubbing them against his scrawny thighs to warm them up. “Talk to me about something besides the weather.”
“Not much has really happened since we sat next to each other on the plane dude.” I told him, pushing my hair back off of my face. The cabby turned up the heat for us, thawing out our semi-frozen limbs.
“Alright, true.” He conceded. “But we didn’t really get to talk on the flight since other people were around.” Uh oh. I knew what that meant.
“Fair enough. What do you want to talk about?”
“You know what I want to talk about.” Ashley gave me a knowing look. I rolled my eyes and groaned, though I was actually dying to talk about this with someone.
“Alright, ask away.”
“What happened?” he scooted closer so I wouldn’t have to project, risking the driver hearing us. I didn’t need to ask for context because there was only one thing of interest going on in my life at the moment, aside from working on the new album.
“Promise you won’t tell?” I asked, feeling my face become tight with nerves.
“Swear on my life. Now start talking.” He pressed, giving me his completely undivided attention.
“Alright, fine. Well, I told you about our fight and all, right?” I asked rhetorically, getting him to nod. “Well a few days after that, I went to see him. I brought him flowers and this cute little stuffed thing to make him feel better, but I ended up making him upset because I wouldn’t be all touchy feely like he wanted and……”
“Andy, do I have to slap you?” he asked, looking like he was ready to burst.
“No, no I didn’t do anything that stupid. We cuddled and made up and all.”
“Oh. So….you’re forgiven and so is he?”
“Yeah, we made up. He wanted to seal the deal right then and there, but his heart wasn’t up to it so when I get back I’m going to give him a romantic evening.”
“Awwwwwwwww, Andy that’s so sweet.”
“Yeah, I know.” I said smugly, then giggled when he faked hitting me.
“Seriously though, you give the best romantic evenings ever.”
“Really?”
“Hell yeah. You remember that one night you invited me over and when I got there you had that fire going and we cuddled and made love on the floor all night?” he asked, playing casually with the ends of my hair. The memory of that evening brought a smile to my lips, making my heart feel all warm and fuzzy.
“Yeah, that was a pretty awesome night. Should I do something like that for Austin?”
“Like that, yes. But think of something that you know Austin would like. What does he like?”
“Hmmm” I thought “he likes animals….sprite….Star Wars…..Titanic-“
“Ding ding ding!” Ashley cut me off. “We have a winner.”
“What? What did I say?”
“You said he likes Titanic, right? Well watch it together and make a night of it.”
“But Titanic is sad as fuck, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, but that doesn’t matter dude. You guys will be together, cuddling, watching his favorite movie, he’ll love it.”
“You think?” I asked, still unsure about the idea.
“Of course! Bring the movie over to his place so he’ll be somewhere he feels comfortable. Plus, y’know, you don’t have to clean up the mess.” He told me, making me laugh hard.
“Alright, I hear you. What else should I do? Like, should I bring him something to eat?”
“Well yeah, probably. What does he like?”
“Hmmm….well he likes pepperoni pizza. But he’s actually allergic to pepperoni so that’s probably not the best idea. Maybe I’ll get some normal pizza and something for dessert.”
“Oooooh, you gunna make yourself the dessert?” he teased and giggled, nudging me. I rolled my eyes, still smiling.
“Maybe. Maybe I’ll bring over some ice cream and we can have some fun with that.”
“What flavor does he like?”
“Mint chip” I told him off the top off my head, not even having to think about it.
“Wow, I bet you couldn’t tell me Juliet’s that fast.”
“Actually yeah, I can. Her favorite is pistachio ice cream and she eats it with saltine crackers, which is actually gross as fuck but she likes it so I won’t judge. “
“Wow. Do you remember mine?” he asked. Duh, of course I did.
“Cookie dough, with chocolate sprinkles.”
“Aw Ands.”
“How could I forget? It’s what you get whenever we go anywhere ice cream related.” I said matter of factly before giving him my usually charming smile.
“Sheesh, when you care about people you really care about them, don’t you?”
“What type of question is that? Of course. I make it my business to be sure to know what my partner likes and dislikes and what I can do to make them happy and apparently the best thing to do to make Austin happy is pizza, a movie, and steamy dessert sex.”
“That sounds like a romantic evening to me.” He giggled. “I think he’ll be happy when you tell him your plan.”
“Tell him?” I asked, not sure if it was a good idea.
“Well yeah, duh. Tell him so he knows to shower and be clean for you dude. You don’t wanna get down there and find-“
“Aaaaah! Got it!” I cut it off, knowing where he was going. “Sheesh dude, don’t make me think about it.”
“You’re so weird” he giggled. “you can’t handle embarrassing sex bloopers, can you?”
“Hell no! God, one time he farted while I was giving him a rim job and I had to go wash my face after.” I shuddered.
“Ew, it was that bad?”
“Yeah, pretty much. I mean, it’s not like anything came out, but still it was just fucking gross.”
“Oh please, like you’ve never done something embarrassing during sex.”
“Hey. Those are confidential moments between us Ashley. Just drop it.”
“Oh? So you don’t want to talk about that time I woke up to you humping my leg?”
“I was dreaming!” I said in defense, blushing bright red.
“Alright, fine, I’ll drop it.” He did just that. “But seriously, you need to tell him about your idea. That way you don’t surprise him and give him a heart attack.”
“Shut up!” I laughed and smacked his arm, though my heart probably skipped a beat at the mere mention of such a thing. I could only imagine what our driver must’ve been thinking while listening in on us, but I’m sure he was glad when we reached our stop. I tossed him a twenty and hopped out, carrying my stage bag over my shoulder and pulling my leather jacket tighter around myself as I caught another harsh bite of nose-freezing wind. Ashley practically sprinted to the building, throwing the door open. Even as I laughed and followed him, I couldn’t stop thinking about what he had told me and how I was going to talk to Austin.
********
‘r u ready for me to call?’ Austin texted back. I dried off my hand on the towel around my shoulders before responding.
‘just got out of the shower. 5 minutes’ I replied, a smile of my own crossing my face. Because the snow was starting to build up, our driver had decided that we would wait it out the night here and then head to the next morning after the roads were plowed. I was glad to have the break because it meant I would have a private moment with Austin. My eyes flicked to the mirror and I took a moment to check myself out in the foggy surface. I could tell where my tattooing was in need of a touch up and so did my hair, where my roots were coming in. But I looked pretty good for someone who had spent their last day and a half either on a plane or performing for some 950 people in a venue that was cold as all frozen over hell.
I briefly toweled myself off, pulled on some pajamas, and sat down on my bed with my computer, opening up skype. I made sure all my weird settings were right before pulling out my phone and texting Austin. A brief moment later, his ID appeared on the screen. I giggled slightly at the silly picture of himself that was a good 4 years old now, back during his days of long hair and proto-emo looks. I took a deep breath to try and compose myself and clicked over the answer button. There was a bit of a lag before we connected, his current face showing up on the screen. After a moment of buffer, I could tell that he saw my face too because he gave me a precious smile. A smile spread over my face as well, getting him to blush at me.
“Hi” he covered his mouth, obviously trying to hide his sweet, crimson features from me.
“Hey yourself, why’re you being so cute?” I asked, only glancing at myself in the reflection image once. My back was hunched since I was sitting on the bed, prompting me to readjust the screen so I was more centered. In doing so, the light from the screen ended up illuminating my face more so he could see me a bit better.
“Stop flattering me.” He giggled “C’mon, how was your day?”
“It was alright. Fucking cold though.” I told him, adjusting myself once again and getting more comfortable.
“I can imagine, it is Canada in December.”
“I know, right? But the show was awesome so it’s cool. Anyway, I don’t want to talk about me.”
“Why not?” he whined “I wanna hear about your day.”
“I don’t want to talk about my day, I want to hear about you. Now c’mon, tell me about how your day was.”
“Well, it was pretty boring I guess.” He told me. I peered at him on the screen and saw he was cracking his knuckles, a sign that he was nervous. Oh God no….
“Austin, you’d tell me if something was wrong with you, right?” I asked, looking at him in concern. He seemed to be confused by my words though.
“What?”
“Like, if something else was wrong with you. If the doctors told you something was wrong with you” I elaborated for him. “Would you tell me?”
“Of course. Andy, what makes you think that there’s something else wrong with me?”
“Because you’re cracking your knuckles baby. And when you crack you’re knuckles, it means you’re nervous.” I spoke softly, grazing my fingers over his hand on the screen. He couldn’t see where I was trying to comfort him, but I felt it in my heart. I wanted to hold his hand and make him feel better through whatever it was.
“Don’t look so down babe, there’s nothing wrong with me. It’s just that something weird happened.”
“What was weird?” I asked, brow furrowing.
“It’s nothing, really. Just…” he let out a soft sigh “I don’t want you to freak out.”
“Okay? And what am I not freaking out about?” I asked, one of my eyebrows lifting up. He chewed his lip for a moment before looking at me on his screen.
“Juliet came to see me today.” I stared. Had I heard him right?
“Juliet…..who?” I asked, hoping that this would provide some sort of clarification.
“The same one you’re thinking it is.”
“Simms? That’s the one you’re talking about?”
“Uh..” he blinked. “I don’t know, is that your girlfriend’s last name?”
Dammit
“Yeah.” I told him, my mind starting to race. Why was she talking to Austin? And how the hell did she know where to find him? “What did she want?”
“She brought me brownies and talked to me about stuff.”
“Are those euphemisms for something?”
“No babe, she legit brought me brownies. And they were actually really good too, way better than anything you get here at the hospital.”
“Wait, why though? Why is she bringing you brownies?” I asked, trying to make sense of it. He shrugged.
“She was just being nice. At first I thought she might be poisoning me but I feel fine. She made me feel really comfortable , not weird at all.”
“Not at all?”
“Ok, well it was a little weird. But not nearly as weird as you would think. She was being so sweet and was talking with me about different things.”
“You didn’t…..right?”
“You didn’t get an angry phone call this afternoon, did you?”
“No no, I guess you’re right.”
“That isn’t to say that I didn’t think about it though. Because I did. She kept talking about how she would set me up with one of her girlfriends so I could be happy like you guys.”
“Oh god, baby I’m so sorry.”
“It felt so weird talking to her, but I couldn’t say no to her. She was so nice to me and I just….”
“Hey, this isn’t your fault. This isn’t your fault at all. I guess she just wanted to be nice and I’m sorry she made you feel guilty. And I’m also sorry I left your room number on the fridge.”
“Wait, why was my room number on your fridge?”
“Because when you told it to me, I wrote it down and I put it somewhere I would remember it.”
“Alright. Well either way, it’s fine. It just is sort of weird, I’m sorry I brought it up.”
“Don’t worry about it.” I gave him a half smile. “C’mon-“ I was cut off by a knock, making me freeze.
“What’s up?” I heard him ask as I slammed my computer shut in a panic.
“Yes?” I called as casually as I could muster.
“Andy, it’s me” I heard Jakes voice, muffled through the door. “We’re going to get food, you wanna come?”
“Uh, no thanks.”
“That wasn’t actually a question, put on some clothes and come get food with us.” his tone changed to that of commanding, rather than suggesting.
“Jake, I’m fine, I don’t want to go anywhere.”
“Its only fucking 9 dude! Come on, we’re going to get burgers.” He told me. My stomach automatically grumbled at the mention of food. I groaned.
“Fine, give me five minutes and I’ll be out.”
“Cool! Meet in Ashley’s room.” he walked away, his footsteps disappearing up the carpeted hallway. I breathed a sigh of relief and opened my computer again, feeling my heart tighten in my chest when I saw Austin. His lip was clamped between his teeth and he was looking down at his hands. A pang of sadness swept over me when I saw the look on his face.
“So uh….you heard that.”
“Yeah. I guess you’re leaving.” He didn’t even ask, his voice annoyed and sad at the same time.
“Do you wanna text while I’m out?”
“Sure, I guess. I just wanted to see your face is all. I like getting that personal attention from you.”
“I’m sorry baby.” I placed a hand on his cheek on the monitor, even though he couldn’t see it. “I promise I’ll text you, ok? And we can talk again soon.”
“Fine” he looked down, dejected.
“Hey, c’mon, look at me.”
“Why? You’ll close the screen on me again.”
“I won’t.”
“Alright, what?” he asked when he looked back up.
“I miss you. And for the record, I am going to make good on giving you that night of romance.”
“Yeah, in three fucking weeks.”
“I know” I sighed softly. “Look, I gotta get ready, but we’ll continue the conversation.”
“Fine”
“Ok, talk soon” I told him and hung up, then immediately shot him a text. We talked for a while, but things seemed to be a bit more strained. I realized why that was only after he told me, making me feel like a total jerk. I took about twenty minutes to just focus on eating my food, getting thee texts from him during that time. The first two had been in response to my talking about how awesome the kids in Canada are at shows and how dedicated they are to come out in this nightmarish weather, but the last was unsettling.
-this is why I don’t like texting. Because when we talk face to face, you can’t ignore me and put me off for later-
-uh…..i was eating….but I guess I see your point-
-do u? because I don’t feel like you do-
-I get that you’re upset because I’m off on tour and I can’t spend quality time with you like I’d like. Am I at least close?-
-sortof. I feel fucking disposable to you-
-you’re not though-
-that’s not how it feels. It’s like you’re ashamed of me or something…..-
-bby no, I’m not ashamed of you. I’m just not ready for anyone to know yet. I want to at least get things straightened out with Juliet before we do anything like that-
-u didn’t have to slam the computer shut on me. That hurt-
-I didn’t want Jake hearing you and asking if I had someone in my room with me-
-well u don’t have to wonder why I think you’re ashamed of me-
-I just didn’t want to have to deal with the questions- I typed back, feeling myself getting more frustrated with every passing message. I didn’t realize I had been glaring at my phone until Ashley tapped me on the shoulder. He had a look of concern on his face.
“Everything ok with you dude?” he asked. The other guys were caught up in their own conversation, so they weren’t focused on us.
“No” I kept my voice low “Austin’s being sensitive and I feel like a jerk.”
“Did you tell him about your plan?”
“No. I told him that I was still planning on making it up to him, but I haven’t been giving him details. I sort of wanted it to be a surprise.”
“So are you guys…….fighting?”
“Not fighting. Just a little squabble. He’s feeling underappreciated and I need to make him feel like he matters”
“How do you suppose you do that?”
“Not sure yet. But it’ll let him know that he’s important to me.”
“Would any of this involves you, y’know, saying those three little”
“Would those three words be ‘lets fuck now’?” I asked, making him chuckle and earning a smack on the arm.
“I’m serious Andy, you need to seriously think about where you are emotionally in the relationship.”
“Please don’t start”
“Well I have to, nobody else is going to be honest with you about this like I am. Now answer me seriously: do you have real loving feelings for the person you’ve been seeing since June.”
“What type of question is that, of course I do”
“And have you told him that?”
“No. Yes. Well, sortof.”
“Sortof?”
“We said it in a roundabout way.”
“Andy.” He sounded exasperated, like a man trying to explain calculus to a monkey. “Have the words ‘I love you’ come out of your lips and been directed at him?”
“In that case, then no.”
“Do you feel that way though?”
“Absolutely I do. I feel it in my heart. Being away from him right now is killing me because I feel like I should be there holding his hand and taking care of him and showing how much I really care. But at the same time I’m nervous because I don’t want it getting out and ruining our relationship before it even has a chance of working.”
“Why would people finding out now ruin things?”
“Uh, well for starters the fact that I’m still publically in a relationship with someone else.”
“Oh….yeah….”
“Not to mention that he’s still technically not out yet.”
“You just said you weren’t going to mention it.”
“Uh, dudes?” CC spoke up, making us both look away from our hushed conversation. It was only when I broke away from our conversational bubble that I realized the three of them were staring at us with varying degrees of suspicion.
“Yeah?” I asked, sitting upright again.
“Everything ok with you two?” Jake asked slowly, his tone dripping with curiosity.
“Yeah, everything’s fine.”
“You two aren’t fucking again, are you?” CC asked outright, causing Ashley to spit part of his drink onto me. I flinched, then used a napkin to clean myself up.
“Greeeeaaaaat, spit all over me why don’t you? And no CC, we’re not doing that again. This is about something different.”
“Can we know?”
“Dude, if you could know then you would be a part of the conversation. Just drop it, alright?”
“Fine” he put his hands up defensively. “ain’t nothing wrong with that, it’s cool dude.”
“Thank you.” I sighed before looking to Ashley who was picking at his fries. It was when I felt my phone buzz in my lap that I was supposed to be having this conversation with someone else.
-I’m sorry, when is it going to be convenient for you to answer questions about us?-
Then another text
-ok, maybe that was a little much-
-no- I replied –you’re right, I need to get it together. Not right now, but soon though-
-wait….you’re agreeing with me?-
-well you’re right and there isn’t really anything for me to defend. So yeah, I’m agreeing with me-
-wow. Uh, thanks-
-don’t, it’s cool. I’m tired of making you feel disposable though, because you’re not to me. If you left me tomorrow I would probably bawl my fucking eyes out-
-what? No, don’t cry, you’re gunna make me sad :,(-
-I’m not trying to, I’m just saying. You’re not a play thing to me, ok? You fucking matter. And if I wasn’t on tour right now I would be sitting next to you and cuddling you through this-
-where’s all this coming from ands? I’m glad to know I matter, but what’s brought this on?-
-just the fact that I care about you and you feeling like you don’t matter is unacceptable-
-that’s actually really sweet- he replied after a minute. I alternated between eating and looking at my phone, not wanting to miss another one of his messages.
-I’m glad you think so…… -
-aww, happy andy -
-and happy austin <3 happy austin makes andy even happier than usual-
“Awwwww” Ashley giggled in my ear. I smacked his thigh when I noticed him looking over my shoulder.
“What’re you doing? Those messages are so not for you.”
“Just wanted to know my favorite couple is doing alright.” He smirked and nudged me. I let out a small laugh.
“Fuck off.”
“Oh if you insist.”
“That I do.” I told him before looking back down at my phone
-ands, no, now I’m staring at my phone with a huge blush on my face-
-I do that a lot to you, don’t I?- I asked, attaching the purple devil emoji, knowing I would make him giggle.
-I know, why is that?-
-because im a sexual god and you can feel that through the phone?-
-yes, that is so totally why that is. And what about when we’re in person?-
-same situation, just take out the phone part-
-oh hush, you’re such a weirdo-
-yes, yes I am, and proud of it-
-that’s too cute. Ok, I’m going to fall asleep any second now so I guess this is goodnight-
-goodnight cutie. Talk soon- and of course the blue emoji hearts. I knew that he read it and, even if he didn’t respond, it made me feel better to know that he was going to sleep knowing that I appreciated him.

Description
Andy’s P.O.V.
First day back on tour for me was something of a production. After all three of the bands on the tour got moved to three different flights, baggage being lost and then found within 20 minutes, and dealing with the negative 15 degree wind chill in Canada, I was convinced that this second half of the tour would be a nightmare. True, I was already a bit annoyed since I was going to be on the road for Christmas and my birthday, but being blasted by gale force winds right off the plane isn’t exactly a fun way to start tour. At least in Europe everything just turns into rain.
I was relieved when we made our way to the hotel so we could rest for a few hours before heading to the venue. I took a nap, got my shit together, changed my clothes, and answered a few e-mails. It wasn’t until I got into a cab with Ashley that I actually had someone to talk to.
“Hey you.” Ashley’s usually flamboyant voice was marred by the cold, making it shake.
“Southern boy isn’t used to the cold, is he?” I teased, dusting the snow off my jacket. I wasn’t as used to the cold since I had been living in California since 2009, this was true. But the long, bitterly cold winters of my youth made me well prepared for a life of traveling to places which often saw mounds of snow on the ground that people just seemed to get used to.
“Oh be quiet Biersack.” He scolded in an unintimidating voice, wiping his nose on the side of his leather gloves. “I-It’s too cold for this shit.”
“What? It could be worse.” I said as I settled in, earning myself a ‘what the fuck’ look from my best friend and making me laugh.
“Whatever, just talk about something else.” He asked, pulling off his hand coverings and rubbing them against his scrawny thighs to warm them up. “Talk to me about something besides the weather.”
“Not much has really happened since we sat next to each other on the plane dude.” I told him, pushing my hair back off of my face. The cabby turned up the heat for us, thawing out our semi-frozen limbs.
“Alright, true.” He conceded. “But we didn’t really get to talk on the flight since other people were around.” Uh oh. I knew what that meant.
“Fair enough. What do you want to talk about?”
“You know what I want to talk about.” Ashley gave me a knowing look. I rolled my eyes and groaned, though I was actually dying to talk about this with someone.
“Alright, ask away.”
“What happened?” he scooted closer so I wouldn’t have to project, risking the driver hearing us. I didn’t need to ask for context because there was only one thing of interest going on in my life at the moment, aside from working on the new album.
“Promise you won’t tell?” I asked, feeling my face become tight with nerves.
“Swear on my life. Now start talking.” He pressed, giving me his completely undivided attention.
“Alright, fine. Well, I told you about our fight and all, right?” I asked rhetorically, getting him to nod. “Well a few days after that, I went to see him. I brought him flowers and this cute little stuffed thing to make him feel better, but I ended up making him upset because I wouldn’t be all touchy feely like he wanted and……”
“Andy, do I have to slap you?” he asked, looking like he was ready to burst.
“No, no I didn’t do anything that stupid. We cuddled and made up and all.”
“Oh. So….you’re forgiven and so is he?”
“Yeah, we made up. He wanted to seal the deal right then and there, but his heart wasn’t up to it so when I get back I’m going to give him a romantic evening.”
“Awwwwwwwww, Andy that’s so sweet.”
“Yeah, I know.” I said smugly, then giggled when he faked hitting me.
“Seriously though, you give the best romantic evenings ever.”
“Really?”
“Hell yeah. You remember that one night you invited me over and when I got there you had that fire going and we cuddled and made love on the floor all night?” he asked, playing casually with the ends of my hair. The memory of that evening brought a smile to my lips, making my heart feel all warm and fuzzy.
“Yeah, that was a pretty awesome night. Should I do something like that for Austin?”
“Like that, yes. But think of something that you know Austin would like. What does he like?”
“Hmmm” I thought “he likes animals….sprite….Star Wars…..Titanic-“
“Ding ding ding!” Ashley cut me off. “We have a winner.”
“What? What did I say?”
“You said he likes Titanic, right? Well watch it together and make a night of it.”
“But Titanic is sad as fuck, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, but that doesn’t matter dude. You guys will be together, cuddling, watching his favorite movie, he’ll love it.”
“You think?” I asked, still unsure about the idea.
“Of course! Bring the movie over to his place so he’ll be somewhere he feels comfortable. Plus, y’know, you don’t have to clean up the mess.” He told me, making me laugh hard.
“Alright, I hear you. What else should I do? Like, should I bring him something to eat?”
“Well yeah, probably. What does he like?”
“Hmmm….well he likes pepperoni pizza. But he’s actually allergic to pepperoni so that’s probably not the best idea. Maybe I’ll get some normal pizza and something for dessert.”
“Oooooh, you gunna make yourself the dessert?” he teased and giggled, nudging me. I rolled my eyes, still smiling.
“Maybe. Maybe I’ll bring over some ice cream and we can have some fun with that.”
“What flavor does he like?”
“Mint chip” I told him off the top off my head, not even having to think about it.
“Wow, I bet you couldn’t tell me Juliet’s that fast.”
“Actually yeah, I can. Her favorite is pistachio ice cream and she eats it with saltine crackers, which is actually gross as fuck but she likes it so I won’t judge. “
“Wow. Do you remember mine?” he asked. Duh, of course I did.
“Cookie dough, with chocolate sprinkles.”
“Aw Ands.”
“How could I forget? It’s what you get whenever we go anywhere ice cream related.” I said matter of factly before giving him my usually charming smile.
“Sheesh, when you care about people you really care about them, don’t you?”
“What type of question is that? Of course. I make it my business to be sure to know what my partner likes and dislikes and what I can do to make them happy and apparently the best thing to do to make Austin happy is pizza, a movie, and steamy dessert sex.”
“That sounds like a romantic evening to me.” He giggled. “I think he’ll be happy when you tell him your plan.”
“Tell him?” I asked, not sure if it was a good idea.
“Well yeah, duh. Tell him so he knows to shower and be clean for you dude. You don’t wanna get down there and find-“
“Aaaaah! Got it!” I cut it off, knowing where he was going. “Sheesh dude, don’t make me think about it.”
“You’re so weird” he giggled. “you can’t handle embarrassing sex bloopers, can you?”
“Hell no! God, one time he farted while I was giving him a rim job and I had to go wash my face after.” I shuddered.
“Ew, it was that bad?”
“Yeah, pretty much. I mean, it’s not like anything came out, but still it was just fucking gross.”
“Oh please, like you’ve never done something embarrassing during sex.”
“Hey. Those are confidential moments between us Ashley. Just drop it.”
“Oh? So you don’t want to talk about that time I woke up to you humping my leg?”
“I was dreaming!” I said in defense, blushing bright red.
“Alright, fine, I’ll drop it.” He did just that. “But seriously, you need to tell him about your idea. That way you don’t surprise him and give him a heart attack.”
“Shut up!” I laughed and smacked his arm, though my heart probably skipped a beat at the mere mention of such a thing. I could only imagine what our driver must’ve been thinking while listening in on us, but I’m sure he was glad when we reached our stop. I tossed him a twenty and hopped out, carrying my stage bag over my shoulder and pulling my leather jacket tighter around myself as I caught another harsh bite of nose-freezing wind. Ashley practically sprinted to the building, throwing the door open. Even as I laughed and followed him, I couldn’t stop thinking about what he had told me and how I was going to talk to Austin.
********
‘r u ready for me to call?’ Austin texted back. I dried off my hand on the towel around my shoulders before responding.
‘just got out of the shower. 5 minutes’ I replied, a smile of my own crossing my face. Because the snow was starting to build up, our driver had decided that we would wait it out the night here and then head to the next morning after the roads were plowed. I was glad to have the break because it meant I would have a private moment with Austin. My eyes flicked to the mirror and I took a moment to check myself out in the foggy surface. I could tell where my tattooing was in need of a touch up and so did my hair, where my roots were coming in. But I looked pretty good for someone who had spent their last day and a half either on a plane or performing for some 950 people in a venue that was cold as all frozen over hell.
I briefly toweled myself off, pulled on some pajamas, and sat down on my bed with my computer, opening up skype. I made sure all my weird settings were right before pulling out my phone and texting Austin. A brief moment later, his ID appeared on the screen. I giggled slightly at the silly picture of himself that was a good 4 years old now, back during his days of long hair and proto-emo looks. I took a deep breath to try and compose myself and clicked over the answer button. There was a bit of a lag before we connected, his current face showing up on the screen. After a moment of buffer, I could tell that he saw my face too because he gave me a precious smile. A smile spread over my face as well, getting him to blush at me.
“Hi” he covered his mouth, obviously trying to hide his sweet, crimson features from me.
“Hey yourself, why’re you being so cute?” I asked, only glancing at myself in the reflection image once. My back was hunched since I was sitting on the bed, prompting me to readjust the screen so I was more centered. In doing so, the light from the screen ended up illuminating my face more so he could see me a bit better.
“Stop flattering me.” He giggled “C’mon, how was your day?”
“It was alright. Fucking cold though.” I told him, adjusting myself once again and getting more comfortable.
“I can imagine, it is Canada in December.”
“I know, right? But the show was awesome so it’s cool. Anyway, I don’t want to talk about me.”
“Why not?” he whined “I wanna hear about your day.”
“I don’t want to talk about my day, I want to hear about you. Now c’mon, tell me about how your day was.”
“Well, it was pretty boring I guess.” He told me. I peered at him on the screen and saw he was cracking his knuckles, a sign that he was nervous. Oh God no….
“Austin, you’d tell me if something was wrong with you, right?” I asked, looking at him in concern. He seemed to be confused by my words though.
“What?”
“Like, if something else was wrong with you. If the doctors told you something was wrong with you” I elaborated for him. “Would you tell me?”
“Of course. Andy, what makes you think that there’s something else wrong with me?”
“Because you’re cracking your knuckles baby. And when you crack you’re knuckles, it means you’re nervous.” I spoke softly, grazing my fingers over his hand on the screen. He couldn’t see where I was trying to comfort him, but I felt it in my heart. I wanted to hold his hand and make him feel better through whatever it was.
“Don’t look so down babe, there’s nothing wrong with me. It’s just that something weird happened.”
“What was weird?” I asked, brow furrowing.
“It’s nothing, really. Just…” he let out a soft sigh “I don’t want you to freak out.”
“Okay? And what am I not freaking out about?” I asked, one of my eyebrows lifting up. He chewed his lip for a moment before looking at me on his screen.
“Juliet came to see me today.” I stared. Had I heard him right?
“Juliet…..who?” I asked, hoping that this would provide some sort of clarification.
“The same one you’re thinking it is.”
“Simms? That’s the one you’re talking about?”
“Uh..” he blinked. “I don’t know, is that your girlfriend’s last name?”
Dammit
“Yeah.” I told him, my mind starting to race. Why was she talking to Austin? And how the hell did she know where to find him? “What did she want?”
“She brought me brownies and talked to me about stuff.”
“Are those euphemisms for something?”
“No babe, she legit brought me brownies. And they were actually really good too, way better than anything you get here at the hospital.”
“Wait, why though? Why is she bringing you brownies?” I asked, trying to make sense of it. He shrugged.
“She was just being nice. At first I thought she might be poisoning me but I feel fine. She made me feel really comfortable , not weird at all.”
“Not at all?”
“Ok, well it was a little weird. But not nearly as weird as you would think. She was being so sweet and was talking with me about different things.”
“You didn’t…..right?”
“You didn’t get an angry phone call this afternoon, did you?”
“No no, I guess you’re right.”
“That isn’t to say that I didn’t think about it though. Because I did. She kept talking about how she would set me up with one of her girlfriends so I could be happy like you guys.”
“Oh god, baby I’m so sorry.”
“It felt so weird talking to her, but I couldn’t say no to her. She was so nice to me and I just….”
“Hey, this isn’t your fault. This isn’t your fault at all. I guess she just wanted to be nice and I’m sorry she made you feel guilty. And I’m also sorry I left your room number on the fridge.”
“Wait, why was my room number on your fridge?”
“Because when you told it to me, I wrote it down and I put it somewhere I would remember it.”
“Alright. Well either way, it’s fine. It just is sort of weird, I’m sorry I brought it up.”
“Don’t worry about it.” I gave him a half smile. “C’mon-“ I was cut off by a knock, making me freeze.
“What’s up?” I heard him ask as I slammed my computer shut in a panic.
“Yes?” I called as casually as I could muster.
“Andy, it’s me” I heard Jakes voice, muffled through the door. “We’re going to get food, you wanna come?”
“Uh, no thanks.”
“That wasn’t actually a question, put on some clothes and come get food with us.” his tone changed to that of commanding, rather than suggesting.
“Jake, I’m fine, I don’t want to go anywhere.”
“Its only fucking 9 dude! Come on, we’re going to get burgers.” He told me. My stomach automatically grumbled at the mention of food. I groaned.
“Fine, give me five minutes and I’ll be out.”
“Cool! Meet in Ashley’s room.” he walked away, his footsteps disappearing up the carpeted hallway. I breathed a sigh of relief and opened my computer again, feeling my heart tighten in my chest when I saw Austin. His lip was clamped between his teeth and he was looking down at his hands. A pang of sadness swept over me when I saw the look on his face.
“So uh….you heard that.”
“Yeah. I guess you’re leaving.” He didn’t even ask, his voice annoyed and sad at the same time.
“Do you wanna text while I’m out?”
“Sure, I guess. I just wanted to see your face is all. I like getting that personal attention from you.”
“I’m sorry baby.” I placed a hand on his cheek on the monitor, even though he couldn’t see it. “I promise I’ll text you, ok? And we can talk again soon.”
“Fine” he looked down, dejected.
“Hey, c’mon, look at me.”
“Why? You’ll close the screen on me again.”
“I won’t.”
“Alright, what?” he asked when he looked back up.
“I miss you. And for the record, I am going to make good on giving you that night of romance.”
“Yeah, in three fucking weeks.”
“I know” I sighed softly. “Look, I gotta get ready, but we’ll continue the conversation.”
“Fine”
“Ok, talk soon” I told him and hung up, then immediately shot him a text. We talked for a while, but things seemed to be a bit more strained. I realized why that was only after he told me, making me feel like a total jerk. I took about twenty minutes to just focus on eating my food, getting thee texts from him during that time. The first two had been in response to my talking about how awesome the kids in Canada are at shows and how dedicated they are to come out in this nightmarish weather, but the last was unsettling.
-this is why I don’t like texting. Because when we talk face to face, you can’t ignore me and put me off for later-
-uh…..i was eating….but I guess I see your point-
-do u? because I don’t feel like you do-
-I get that you’re upset because I’m off on tour and I can’t spend quality time with you like I’d like. Am I at least close?-
-sortof. I feel fucking disposable to you-
-you’re not though-
-that’s not how it feels. It’s like you’re ashamed of me or something…..-
-bby no, I’m not ashamed of you. I’m just not ready for anyone to know yet. I want to at least get things straightened out with Juliet before we do anything like that-
-u didn’t have to slam the computer shut on me. That hurt-
-I didn’t want Jake hearing you and asking if I had someone in my room with me-
-well u don’t have to wonder why I think you’re ashamed of me-
-I just didn’t want to have to deal with the questions- I typed back, feeling myself getting more frustrated with every passing message. I didn’t realize I had been glaring at my phone until Ashley tapped me on the shoulder. He had a look of concern on his face.
“Everything ok with you dude?” he asked. The other guys were caught up in their own conversation, so they weren’t focused on us.
“No” I kept my voice low “Austin’s being sensitive and I feel like a jerk.”
“Did you tell him about your plan?”
“No. I told him that I was still planning on making it up to him, but I haven’t been giving him details. I sort of wanted it to be a surprise.”
“So are you guys…….fighting?”
“Not fighting. Just a little squabble. He’s feeling underappreciated and I need to make him feel like he matters”
“How do you suppose you do that?”
“Not sure yet. But it’ll let him know that he’s important to me.”
“Would any of this involves you, y’know, saying those three little”
“Would those three words be ‘lets fuck now’?” I asked, making him chuckle and earning a smack on the arm.
“I’m serious Andy, you need to seriously think about where you are emotionally in the relationship.”
“Please don’t start”
“Well I have to, nobody else is going to be honest with you about this like I am. Now answer me seriously: do you have real loving feelings for the person you’ve been seeing since June.”
“What type of question is that, of course I do”
“And have you told him that?”
“No. Yes. Well, sortof.”
“Sortof?”
“We said it in a roundabout way.”
“Andy.” He sounded exasperated, like a man trying to explain calculus to a monkey. “Have the words ‘I love you’ come out of your lips and been directed at him?”
“In that case, then no.”
“Do you feel that way though?”
“Absolutely I do. I feel it in my heart. Being away from him right now is killing me because I feel like I should be there holding his hand and taking care of him and showing how much I really care. But at the same time I’m nervous because I don’t want it getting out and ruining our relationship before it even has a chance of working.”
“Why would people finding out now ruin things?”
“Uh, well for starters the fact that I’m still publically in a relationship with someone else.”
“Oh….yeah….”
“Not to mention that he’s still technically not out yet.”
“You just said you weren’t going to mention it.”
“Uh, dudes?” CC spoke up, making us both look away from our hushed conversation. It was only when I broke away from our conversational bubble that I realized the three of them were staring at us with varying degrees of suspicion.
“Yeah?” I asked, sitting upright again.
“Everything ok with you two?” Jake asked slowly, his tone dripping with curiosity.
“Yeah, everything’s fine.”
“You two aren’t fucking again, are you?” CC asked outright, causing Ashley to spit part of his drink onto me. I flinched, then used a napkin to clean myself up.
“Greeeeaaaaat, spit all over me why don’t you? And no CC, we’re not doing that again. This is about something different.”
“Can we know?”
“Dude, if you could know then you would be a part of the conversation. Just drop it, alright?”
“Fine” he put his hands up defensively. “ain’t nothing wrong with that, it’s cool dude.”
“Thank you.” I sighed before looking to Ashley who was picking at his fries. It was when I felt my phone buzz in my lap that I was supposed to be having this conversation with someone else.
-I’m sorry, when is it going to be convenient for you to answer questions about us?-
Then another text
-ok, maybe that was a little much-
-no- I replied –you’re right, I need to get it together. Not right now, but soon though-
-wait….you’re agreeing with me?-
-well you’re right and there isn’t really anything for me to defend. So yeah, I’m agreeing with me-
-wow. Uh, thanks-
-don’t, it’s cool. I’m tired of making you feel disposable though, because you’re not to me. If you left me tomorrow I would probably bawl my fucking eyes out-
-what? No, don’t cry, you’re gunna make me sad :,(-
-I’m not trying to, I’m just saying. You’re not a play thing to me, ok? You fucking matter. And if I wasn’t on tour right now I would be sitting next to you and cuddling you through this-
-where’s all this coming from ands? I’m glad to know I matter, but what’s brought this on?-
-just the fact that I care about you and you feeling like you don’t matter is unacceptable-
-that’s actually really sweet- he replied after a minute. I alternated between eating and looking at my phone, not wanting to miss another one of his messages.
-I’m glad you think so…… -
-aww, happy andy -
-and happy austin <3 happy austin makes andy even happier than usual-
“Awwwww” Ashley giggled in my ear. I smacked his thigh when I noticed him looking over my shoulder.
“What’re you doing? Those messages are so not for you.”
“Just wanted to know my favorite couple is doing alright.” He smirked and nudged me. I let out a small laugh.
“Fuck off.”
“Oh if you insist.”
“That I do.” I told him before looking back down at my phone
-ands, no, now I’m staring at my phone with a huge blush on my face-
-I do that a lot to you, don’t I?- I asked, attaching the purple devil emoji, knowing I would make him giggle.
-I know, why is that?-
-because im a sexual god and you can feel that through the phone?-
-yes, that is so totally why that is. And what about when we’re in person?-
-same situation, just take out the phone part-
-oh hush, you’re such a weirdo-
-yes, yes I am, and proud of it-
-that’s too cute. Ok, I’m going to fall asleep any second now so I guess this is goodnight-
-goodnight cutie. Talk soon- and of course the blue emoji hearts. I knew that he read it and, even if he didn’t respond, it made me feel better to know that he was going to sleep knowing that I appreciated him.