Comments: 110
TheTrashmaster87 [2020-07-20 04:05:37 +0000 UTC]
Ok, 299 ÷ 25 = 11.96. If he killed her he would have 12 Tactical Nukes. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)👌
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BoomBreeze [2015-07-10 21:38:52 +0000 UTC]
Overall
Vision
Originality
Technique
Impact
The story, although it's interesting you should probably be more descriptive, about the characters' physical traits and the land's attributes, although your descriptions are fair, they can be improved.
I feel that the setting of the first scene can be added upon. Settings should have a definitive place, however short scenes such as these don't need too much descriptions. I just wish that you added just a little more detail, like what time it was, day or night? What season did the killing occur? The was little evidence that could tell us readers what time it was or whether we are in a farm field or wagon road pits top, it's good for a suspense story to be obscure at first but small details can be very helpful and allow to reader to imagine more, like subtly hinting that the moon was full, or the fires were against a starless sky. Then again, we could all pretty much guess that it was night.
Moving on, I at least would be very glad if you described the physical attributes of the main characters especially. Good writers don't depend on illustrations to show appearance and looks of the main characters. Usually some attempt is made to create the characters with words. When Queen Athena is introduced please try describing her clothing and the placement of her quills quickly, as well as her colour and shape, to practice describing. The description of the smaller roled characters should be as short as you made the fox. Just don't make the description of the mains longer than 3 or so sentences and should be quick.
Also, You don't need to put such large spaces between paragraphs. The indents should be enough to inform the reader of the ending of a paragraph, this isn't really important advice, but it's advice nonetheless.
Although it can be improved it's a good story. I can't wait to see more!
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BoomBreeze In reply to LiyuConberma [2015-07-14 17:22:25 +0000 UTC]
It's okay, however it's the importance of "what ever the heck it is" that answers that. You should do explanations as short as, "a brown squirrel with a poof of hair on her head and an unreasonably short tail." for most characters, mains can be done with that too. The most I think the mains should have are around three sentences. Apparently, some people think lengthy descriptions are a sign or Mary Sue or a Marty Stue. (Don't ask me) I think all Athena needs is an explanation of the shape and placement of her spikes, I notice her's seem to have a slight curve, and Darren has notches in them.
No, I'm not talking about those, they're okay. The rest, aren't according to the perspectives of my teachers (I bet). You didn't need the spaces between most of them. However, keep the ones when a character thinks, or has a thought like, "There was no other option. He had to flee.". Here, I'll use an example.
"And still, none of them truly wanted to come upon the creature by themselves. The search was quick and short, and they all returned empty-handed. (<-I think these two paragraphs should be one->)
The last survivor trembled like a withered leaf, clutching a blanket around her shoulders as if her life depended on it. Everyone pitied her. After all, who wouldn't be terrified after witnessing hundreds of people slaughtered around them?
”He didn't need the knife...” the vixen managed to say at last. “All he had to do was strike them with his hand...his hand... He was covered in blood! He's going to come back for me!” (It's a character's speech it's fine like this)
(This shouldn't act like a paragraph, you should attach it to another paragraph)She dissolved into disjointed scraps of words and wouldn't answer any more questions legibly. "
End Result
And still, none of them truly wanted to come upon the creature by themselves. The search was quick and short, and they all returned empty-handed.
The last survivor trembled like a withered leaf, clutching a blanket around her shoulders as if her life depended on it. Everyone pitied her. After all, who wouldn't be terrified after witnessing hundreds of people slaughtered around them?
”He didn't need the knife...” the vixen managed to say at last. “All he had to do was strike them with his hand...his hand... He was covered in blood! He's going to come back for me!”
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mellotome1 [2020-01-27 02:06:36 +0000 UTC]
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fallingstar99 [2019-09-14 21:35:47 +0000 UTC]
How many times have I reread this amazing story? I Lost count after 10
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KawaiiGirl48 [2017-03-08 18:33:57 +0000 UTC]
Seriously, this story is so amazing ! I love stories and song with darkness, I can't tell you why, but I really love that. Count on me to read ALL your story !!!
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author92 [2015-04-27 20:50:49 +0000 UTC]
I can't wait for the rest
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DeltaEmpress [2015-04-26 09:08:20 +0000 UTC]
*Smile even more* Continue!
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KateStroh90 [2015-04-23 02:31:51 +0000 UTC]
DAMN GIRL!!!!! You are on fire with this writing! Many thanks to you Ghost writer as well, you two are making the best team-up to create the best stories here. I just have one question in mind...... I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT: for BOTH of your written works.
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KateStroh90 In reply to LiyuConberma [2015-04-26 23:12:05 +0000 UTC]
Sweet. You are so awesome, that only Justin Timberlake's song Damn Girl should be your fan fare music. You're that awesome for awesome music.
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Darkair375 [2015-04-22 23:12:47 +0000 UTC]
Well,as I am still learning English,This is great to read for me as it helps me with my vocabulary.Anyway,its a great story.You know how to make people imagine the situation.Great job.Im waiting for next part!!!
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Kaliko08 [2015-04-21 18:09:52 +0000 UTC]
I'm on edge!
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MRW0RLDWIDE [2015-04-21 01:45:56 +0000 UTC]
Amazing story! They amount of detail you put into the story made it easy to picture the scene which is very good!
Hope you write more!~
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Sarha-solar [2015-04-20 21:20:40 +0000 UTC]
Wow ! Awesome prologue ! "Suspens"
Can't wait next chapter
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Ryusoku [2015-04-20 19:58:23 +0000 UTC]
Just the prologue and I can already tell that this is going to be quite the wild ride. I got two questions though, is Ben going to be based off any sort of urban legend or is he all completely off the top of your head (his story)? also, Will this story be longer than Tales of Origins?
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LiyuConberma In reply to Ryusoku [2015-04-21 02:08:17 +0000 UTC]
Actually, Benonic was inspired from Jeff the Killer, if you know about this creepypasta, and then read some dark manga here and there, and that's how I created him XD
Nah, this one is a bit shorter than Tale of Origin, even included those one-shots aftermath.
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Ryusoku In reply to LiyuConberma [2015-04-21 13:21:18 +0000 UTC]
Oh yeah, I remember reading that back when I was in high school, seems So long ago. oh, um do you think it's possible to upload bigger versions of the Tales of Origins Captions? they're a little small to make out the finer details. And one last question (sorry to keep bothering you) will Tales of Origins get a character sheet?
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LiyuConberma In reply to tropicalblue23 [2015-04-21 02:08:40 +0000 UTC]
That's ok. Hopefully you would like it better in the next chapter.
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JanikaCheetah [2015-04-20 12:32:11 +0000 UTC]
What I really like about this chapter is the way it sounds completely like a revenge story, but you can't entirely tell if it is justified or not. There's no background given, meaning we have no idea who anyone is, where this is happening, or why he's running around killing everyone. Everything here is a mystery.
I can't help finding it absolutely funny that he's standing right over her and doesn't finish the job. I bet he could have thrown the knife at her from the shadows if he really wanted to. Probably would have gotten her right between the eyes.
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LiyuConberma In reply to JanikaCheetah [2015-04-21 02:09:31 +0000 UTC]
Well, he was about to in that dramatic pose, of course, every climatic part would have to make a halt by a mob.
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