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LiyuConberma — Immortal Insanity or Innocence 01

#athena #crime #detective #family #fanfic #fanfiction #fantasy #gore #hedgehog #investigation #sonic #cosium #benonic
Published: 2015-04-19 04:38:01 +0000 UTC; Views: 47835; Favourites: 318; Downloads: 0
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Description
    Immortal Insanity or Innocence?

    Chapter 1: Prologue - The Massacre

    By Arceus. Conberma (Liyu Conberma)



A sea of fire.

Yes, that’s the phrase that described it all: sea of fire.

Sparks flew high in the air, evidence of a wildfire. The wide field had once been full of tents and carts, but now corpses were littered everywhere. The fire spread, swallowing them in a rage of hungry flames. Bloodied bodies had been torn open or mangled past recognition, staining the grass a grisly crimson. The air was filled with heavy, clotting ashes and the sickly smoke-stench of burning wood, cloth and flesh.

You might wonder how it happened?

It all started with a boy…a small boy who was born differently...deformed. All his life he'd had no friends, no family, no love, and lived in a cage, treated like an animal by every person he'd ever seen.

He knew ONE thing only:

Pain

Then he killed. He singlehandedly slew over two hundred people in the grassy field with nothing but his bare hands and a rusty knife.

Now he stood over a female fox, bathed in the blood of his victims and staring down at her without any emotion.

"No, no, no, no...please!" The vixen couldn’t control her sobs as she tried to back away but was unable to because she was trembling so badly.

The killer only continued staring at her with his cold, yellow eyes like those of a beast. Her words made no impression on him and he raised his bloodied blade, preparing to strike. The woman squeezed her eyes shut, giving a final shriek and covering her face. But a voice saved her.

"HALT!!"

The killer's head snapped left and he saw a throng of angry people swarming toward him. He wanted nothing better than to erase this last survivor's existence. But he was not foolish enough to risk fighting them all. All the adrenaline that had fueled his bloodbath had dried up, leaving him exhausted and with little strength.

There was no other option. He had to flee.

Some people rushed over to the last survivor while the rest scavenged the crime scene, looking for the murderer. Dozens of torches lit up the area like an angry cluster of fireflies. But the torches and light from the bonfire also cast a million twisting shadows among the trees and remaining wagons.

And still, none of them truly wanted to come upon the creature by themselves. The search was quick and short, and they all returned empty-handed.

The last survivor trembled like a withered leaf, clutching a blanket around her shoulders as if her life depended on it. Everyone pitied her. After all, who wouldn't be terrified after witnessing hundreds of people slaughtered around them?

”He didn't need the knife...” the vixen managed to say at last. “All he had to do was strike them with his hand...his hand... He was covered in blood! He's going to come back for me!”

She dissolved into disjointed scraps of words and wouldn't answer any more questions legibly.

This murderer was no ordinary criminal. He was inhuman. Everyone knew that even the trained soldiers stationed nearby wouldn’t have enough strength to capture him. It was clear he could kill people with his bare hands alone.

That’s when one of them gave the most sensible suggestion. "We must report this to the royal family of Cosium. What we have here is a far beyond a serious crime!”

To be continued...
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Comments: 110

gryffindor12 [2021-11-15 11:57:00 +0000 UTC]

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gryffindor12 In reply to gryffindor12 [2021-11-15 12:03:21 +0000 UTC]

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TheTrashmaster87 [2020-07-20 04:05:37 +0000 UTC]

Ok, 299 ÷ 25 = 11.96. If he killed her he would have 12 Tactical Nukes. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)👌

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BoomBreeze [2015-07-10 21:38:52 +0000 UTC]

Overall

Vision

Originality

Technique

Impact


The story, although it's interesting you should probably be more descriptive, about the characters' physical traits and the land's attributes, although your descriptions are fair, they can be improved.
I feel that the setting of the first scene can be added upon. Settings should have a definitive place, however short scenes such as these don't need too much descriptions. I just wish that you added just a little more detail, like what time it was, day or night? What season did the killing occur? The was little evidence that could tell us readers what time it was or whether we are in a farm field or wagon road pits top, it's good for a suspense story to be obscure at first but small details can be very helpful and allow to reader to imagine more, like subtly hinting that the moon was full, or the fires were against a starless sky. Then again, we could all pretty much guess that it was night.
Moving on, I at least would be very glad if you described the physical attributes of the main characters especially. Good writers don't depend on illustrations to show appearance and looks of the main characters. Usually some attempt is made to create the characters with words. When Queen Athena is introduced please try describing her clothing and the placement of her quills quickly, as well as her colour and shape, to practice describing. The description of the smaller roled characters should be as short as you made the fox. Just don't make the description of the mains longer than 3 or so sentences and should be quick.
Also, You don't need to put such large spaces between paragraphs. The indents should be enough to inform the reader of the ending of a paragraph, this isn't really important advice, but it's advice nonetheless.

Although it can be improved it's a good story. I can't wait to see more!

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LiyuConberma In reply to BoomBreeze [2015-07-11 00:38:41 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the long critic, probably the longest by far.

I understand the importance of description, although sometimes I would get too carry away or I didn't know which one detail need LONG description or short one.

"Large spaces between paragraphs", you mean the beginning ones (the code wouldn't allow me to line them up as I desired)? Or the content?

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BoomBreeze In reply to LiyuConberma [2015-07-14 17:22:25 +0000 UTC]

    It's okay, however it's the importance of "what ever the heck it is" that answers that. You should do explanations as short as, "a brown squirrel with a poof of hair on her head and an unreasonably short tail." for most characters, mains can be done with that too. The most I think the mains should have are around three sentences. Apparently, some people think lengthy descriptions are a sign or Mary Sue or a Marty Stue. (Don't ask me) I think all Athena needs is an explanation of the shape and placement of her spikes, I notice her's seem to have a slight curve, and Darren has notches in them. 
    No, I'm not talking about those, they're okay. The rest, aren't according to the perspectives of my teachers (I bet). You didn't need the spaces between most of them. However, keep the ones when a character thinks, or has a thought like, "There was no other option. He had to flee.". Here, I'll use an example. 

"And still, none of them truly wanted to come upon the creature by themselves. The search was quick and short, and they all returned empty-handed. (<-I think these two paragraphs should be one->)

The last survivor trembled like a withered leaf, clutching a blanket around her shoulders as if her life depended on it. Everyone pitied her. After all, who wouldn't be terrified after witnessing hundreds of people slaughtered around them?

”He didn't need the knife...” the vixen managed to say at last. “All he had to do was strike them with his hand...his hand... He was covered in blood! He's going to come back for me!” (It's a character's speech it's fine like this)

(This shouldn't act like a paragraph, you should attach it to another paragraph)She dissolved into disjointed scraps of words and wouldn't answer any more questions legibly. "

End Result
And still, none of them truly wanted to come upon the creature by themselves. The search was quick and short, and they all returned empty-handed.
The last survivor trembled like a withered leaf, clutching a blanket around her shoulders as if her life depended on it. Everyone pitied her. After all, who wouldn't be terrified after witnessing hundreds of people slaughtered around them?

”He didn't need the knife...” the vixen managed to say at last. “All he had to do was strike them with his hand...his hand... He was covered in blood! He's going to come back for me!”

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SPQR21 [2015-04-19 13:26:55 +0000 UTC]

Overall

Vision

Originality

Technique

Impact


(this is my first critique, so I'll give it a try)
WOW! that was an amazing story. you did an amazing job.
The way the story was written, the emotion, the drama, suspense, all these things came together to suck me into the story!
even though the story is dark (not something I usually like but is a excellent perspective to do) I want to read more and more and more! The fact that you have a character that you have already introduced but is now showing his past, really gets you sucked into the story. you want to know more and more and crave knowledge about that character. so awesome!!!!! I cant wait till the rest of the story is released.

~SPQR21

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WizardFoxAngel [2020-02-22 00:30:19 +0000 UTC]

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mellotome1 [2020-01-27 02:06:36 +0000 UTC]

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fallingstar99 [2019-09-14 21:35:47 +0000 UTC]

How many times have I reread this amazing story? I Lost count after 10

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StarlightNightshade In reply to fallingstar99 [2022-02-19 10:02:27 +0000 UTC]

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hourgaththeputrid777 [2018-09-09 12:23:21 +0000 UTC]

Let the madness begin.....

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gdpr-41294073 [2018-07-31 20:17:48 +0000 UTC]

AAAA FINALLY I CAN READ THIS!!!

I've been following you for a while now (2 or 3 years maybe??) and i remember i tried to read this but i couldn't because i didn't learn English enough x)… But now i can understand!!
And i know i'm veeery late but it's better now than never :,D!


Right now i've just finished reading this first part, and it's really interesting so far! I can't wait to read more !

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KawaiiGirl48 [2017-03-08 18:33:57 +0000 UTC]

Seriously, this story is so amazing ! I love stories and song with darkness, I can't tell you why, but I really love that. Count on me to read ALL your story !!!

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GraceBenGiven [2015-05-23 14:04:57 +0000 UTC]

I love this!!! Most of the time, i only like a bit of darkness, but this is amazing! And plus, Benonic is my favorite FC from you.
I loved part 2 also. Cant wait for part 3!

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WillStronk [2015-04-29 02:03:49 +0000 UTC]

THIS IS AMAZING!!!!! Must...read..... so good!

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author92 [2015-04-27 20:50:49 +0000 UTC]

I can't wait for the rest

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DeltaEmpress [2015-04-26 09:08:20 +0000 UTC]

*Smile even more* Continue! 

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LiyuConberma In reply to DeltaEmpress [2015-04-26 17:53:07 +0000 UTC]

I will XD

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KateStroh90 [2015-04-23 02:31:51 +0000 UTC]

DAMN GIRL!!!!! You are on fire with this writing! Many thanks to you Ghost writer as well, you two are making the best team-up to create the best stories here. I just have one question in mind...... I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT: for BOTH of your written works.

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LiyuConberma In reply to KateStroh90 [2015-04-26 17:53:18 +0000 UTC]

XD thanks, just you wait

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KateStroh90 In reply to LiyuConberma [2015-04-26 23:12:05 +0000 UTC]

Sweet. You are so awesome, that only Justin Timberlake's song Damn Girl should be your fan fare music. You're that awesome for awesome music.

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Darkair375 [2015-04-22 23:12:47 +0000 UTC]

Well,as I am still learning English,This is great to read for me as it helps me with my vocabulary.Anyway,its a great story.You know how to make people imagine the situation.Great job.Im waiting for next part!!! 

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LiyuConberma In reply to Darkair375 [2015-04-26 17:53:31 +0000 UTC]

Thanks, just you wait XD

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Darkair375 In reply to LiyuConberma [2015-05-02 05:13:28 +0000 UTC]

I just...CANT 

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Kaliko08 [2015-04-21 18:09:52 +0000 UTC]

I'm on edge!

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LiyuConberma In reply to Kaliko08 [2015-04-26 17:53:35 +0000 UTC]

XD

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Kaliko08 In reply to LiyuConberma [2015-04-28 18:29:07 +0000 UTC]

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Zakanuva [2015-04-21 02:48:16 +0000 UTC]

........................................................................................
     

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LiyuConberma In reply to Zakanuva [2015-04-26 17:53:43 +0000 UTC]

There will be!

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Zakanuva In reply to LiyuConberma [2015-04-27 03:15:48 +0000 UTC]

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MRW0RLDWIDE [2015-04-21 01:45:56 +0000 UTC]

Amazing story! They amount of detail you put into the story made it easy to picture the scene which is very good!

Hope you write more!~  

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LiyuConberma In reply to MRW0RLDWIDE [2015-04-21 02:07:01 +0000 UTC]

Thanks XD

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Sarha-solar [2015-04-20 21:20:40 +0000 UTC]

Wow ! Awesome prologue ! "Suspens"
Can't wait next chapter  

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LiyuConberma In reply to Sarha-solar [2015-04-21 02:06:55 +0000 UTC]

Thanks XD

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Sarha-solar In reply to LiyuConberma [2015-04-21 10:58:12 +0000 UTC]

Your welcome

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Ryusoku [2015-04-20 19:58:23 +0000 UTC]

Just the prologue and I can already tell that this is going to be quite the wild ride. I got two questions though, is Ben going to be based off any sort of urban legend or is he all completely off the top of your head (his story)? also, Will this story be longer than Tales of Origins?

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LiyuConberma In reply to Ryusoku [2015-04-21 02:08:17 +0000 UTC]

Actually, Benonic was inspired from Jeff the Killer, if you know about this creepypasta, and then read some dark manga here and there, and that's how I created him XD

Nah, this one is a bit shorter than Tale of Origin, even included those one-shots aftermath.

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Ryusoku In reply to LiyuConberma [2015-04-21 13:21:18 +0000 UTC]

Oh yeah, I remember reading that back when I was in high school, seems So long ago. oh, um do you think it's possible to upload bigger versions of the Tales of Origins Captions? they're a little small to make out the finer details.                                                                               And one last question (sorry to keep bothering you) will Tales of Origins get a character sheet? 

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tropicalblue23 [2015-04-20 18:24:44 +0000 UTC]

The writing could be better (no offense), but its decent, definitely well enough. You can understand whats going on and thats the important thing. I'm really looking forward to this story! I love your OC and your work Good luck!  

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LiyuConberma In reply to tropicalblue23 [2015-04-21 02:08:40 +0000 UTC]

That's ok. Hopefully you would like it better in the next chapter.

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tropicalblue23 In reply to LiyuConberma [2015-04-21 03:12:26 +0000 UTC]

It wasnt terrible, I promise hehe I really do look forward to it though Its exciting

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JanikaCheetah [2015-04-20 12:32:11 +0000 UTC]

What I really like about this chapter is the way it sounds completely like a revenge story, but you can't entirely tell if it is justified or not. There's no background given, meaning we have no idea who anyone is, where this is happening, or why he's running around killing everyone. Everything here is a mystery.

I can't help finding it absolutely funny that he's standing right over her and doesn't finish the job. I bet he could have thrown the knife at her from the shadows if he really wanted to. Probably would have gotten her right between the eyes.

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LiyuConberma In reply to JanikaCheetah [2015-04-21 02:09:31 +0000 UTC]

Well, he was about to in that dramatic pose, of course, every climatic part would have to make a halt by a mob. 

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MiriLizeth [2015-04-20 05:14:58 +0000 UTC]

Awesome story Crystal! and thanks for letting me know, by the way

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LiyuConberma In reply to MiriLizeth [2015-04-21 02:08:53 +0000 UTC]

XD no sweat

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MiriLizeth In reply to LiyuConberma [2015-04-21 04:29:37 +0000 UTC]

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crazyarchiefan [2015-04-20 02:30:54 +0000 UTC]

Omg!!! I've been waiting for this! Amazing picture!

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LiyuConberma In reply to crazyarchiefan [2015-04-20 05:02:06 +0000 UTC]

Thanks XD

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crazyarchiefan In reply to LiyuConberma [2015-04-20 11:57:40 +0000 UTC]

Your welcome, I can't wait for ch. 2!!!

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