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We could have been brilliant, you know.

We could have been fabulous together.

(Do you remember that time when we all walked together to get ice cream when we got off school early? We held hands the whole way there. Holding hands was no big deal for you, of course - you did it with a lot of people. But I soon came to think it was a slightly bigger deal when it was with me once I noticed how you grabbed my hand any time we had to walk somewhere farther than across campus. It was my first time at this particular place, self-serve, toppings and all. I loaded mine to the top with all different kinds of fruits. You had chocolate. And lots of it. It was fun being with the whole group, enjoying the great weather, blissfully unaware of how great it was to be carefree and so alive, but some of the time you and I got into our own little conversations. It was nice. Remember how we took off our shoes because our sandals were hurting our feet? But then, it ended up just being even worse, all the gravel poking our feet, but we just couldn't bear to put those shoes back onto the blisters on our feet.)

We could have been counselors at camp together, like we had planned. Five joyous days, immersed in nature, up to our eyeballs in children, laughter, joy.

(Do you remember our first show together? The first dress rehearsal, when it took eons for us to get started and we were all waiting in the wings? I remember sitting on the bed set piece in one of the wings. You wandered over, and I wrapped my arms around your waist, pulling you tight to me, as you stroked my head. That was a fun show. Good sized cast, not all great people, but it worked. Remember that time, during one of the dress rehearsals, before we started, when I ran into you on my way backstage as you were coming out from the backstage? It was dark, and we had our normal peck-kiss greeting, but this one lasted a microsecond longer. I remember thinking how much I was looking forward to more microsecond-longer in-the-dark kisses, but another one never happened. You made a comment once about how hot one of the tech girls was. God, there were so many signs. I hate that I didn't say anything. I hate it so much. I know I never could have until I did - I was too scared - but still, I hate it.

I remember sitting backstage one night, sad. You asked what was wrong. I told you how I was just sad because I finally realized that the person I liked would never like me back. You asked if you knew who it was. I don't remember what I said to that.

Just for the record, I was talking about you.)

We could have gone to see that musical up north in May, the one I got the free tickets for. The one I told you I would take you to. We could have had many days like that this summer, heading to the city.

(Do you remember Halloween? You looked so gorgeous in your costume. You said you didn't like dancing to "this kind of music", but I pulled you up a couple times. I couldn't let you just sit there all night. Whenever I got tired of dancing, I'd wander off to the side, sometimes to you, where you were sitting in an arm chair. You'd scoot over and make room for me, putting one arm around me to stroke my shoulder, your legs hanging over the leg of the chair. A couple times, you wandered off to the garage, where the drinks were. I followed you out some of the times, asking what was wrong. You'd say you were fine, and I'd sit on a cooler as we chatted about anything, whatever. As arrogant as it is, I had thought you were thinking about me then. I wanted so much for you to tell me - that's why I would always say how you never talked to me about things, that's why I would always bug you to tell me more. I know you were in the same situation as I, but still, damnit, if you had just said something (if I had just said something) - none of this would have happened.)

[I miss your touch. I never realize it until I see an old picture or video of us, and I remember every. little. touch. and how it set me on fire. I miss it so much. I can't fathom why you would touch me so often if you didn't have feelings for me - you claim you did, but I'm not sure I believe that - but regardless, I want it back so bad and my silly stupid little brain can't seem to understand that we will. never. have. that. again.]

(Of course you remember - you just don't care anymore.)

We could have been miraculous.