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louli9559 — consequences
Published: 2010-07-02 18:00:46 +0000 UTC; Views: 225; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 4
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Description
Into darkness.Out of light.
Twixt the morning, noon, and night
I lay upon the mildewed floor
staring at the wooden door.
The bars that choke my windows light
keep my cell from being bright.
The penalty of my crime is death.
A noose will pull my final breath.
In the morn a guard is called.
He looks at me as if appalled.
From the darkness of his eyes its clear
He does not willingly come here.
The cuffs around my wrist click tight,
and he leads me into the coming light.
People fill the cobbled yard,
jeering at the leading guard.
And then they all turn towards me
as if hangings are great to see.
The corded rope looms near and tall
and i very nearly fall.
The people laugh and throw old food.
They all seem in a festive mood.
I step up on a heightened block,
my heart dropping like a rock.
There is no escape here now
and i take the final bow.
A dark cloaked figure comes to draw
the rope with one cold, withered claw.
He pulls it tight around my neck
and i am naught but a quivering wreck.
The drums roll fast, from heartbeat pace
to a frantic, deafening race.
I blink my eyes in quick succession,
frightened by their hard aggression.
NO! The shout comes from the crowd,
High and clear, extremely loud.
But then the block disappears underfoot
and i fall through the floor, but the rope stays put.
STOP! The person's screaming now.
A woman's voice, i don't know how.
And the crowd becomes suddenly thrilled.
She is the woman that i killed.
By now The Black is setting in,
Not gone just because of the gathering's din.
And in deaths final fatal throes
I'm pleased, because now everyone knows.....
A crying woman stands and shrieks.
Things did not go as planned.
"This noble sir did not kill me!
My husband was no madman."
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Comments: 8
no i figured he would die but i didn't think it would be for no reason
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i love it johanna u falter in your rythm a few times hear or there but the story is nicely kept very good ending by the way didnt see it coming
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what, did you think that he wouldnt die?
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I'd planned to write a deep critique
in lines my very own,
that I might type a ballad that
would match your poem's tone.
Your rhymes are strictly kept, although
your meter often skips
a beat or two, but iambs come
to steady shaky lips.
Enjambment's rarely seen, but then,
the fullstops help the time
to cut the lines to simple bits
and reinforce the rhyme.
Just three apostrophes are seen,
but yes, all three are right.
The "i"s are small, but should be large,
though not a major blight.
The story's quite engrossing from
the time the curtains rise
with sweaty drama, darkened cells
and bitter, haunted eyes.
At times a mental river floods,
but now my muse is fled.
and so I work the comment-box,
and offer this instead:
I think that about covers it, actually.
Nice work. Catchy story, makes me think of Sweeny Todd, and clear enough in the writing that the footnote is not strictly required. Accentual rather than metrical verse, really- but there's nothing wrong with that. Adds tension, suspense.
Ah- and while "gathering's" and "person's" and "I'm" are correct, you missed it with "deaths", at the end there, as well as with "Twixt", at the start. Should be 'Twixt, or else Betwixt.
Question: at the beginning, you use "lay". Everywhere after is in the present tense. Was this deliberate?
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i didnt mean to use lay in past tense. i just put the first part together in my mind. and i'll edit the twixt. and how long did it take you to write that poem?! im not sure about the whole iambic pentameter, ive never been able to understand meters.
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Disregard what I said about twixt needing an apostrophe, I just read a line in Oedipus Rex that began Twixt, no apostrophe. My bad.
I dunno, an hour or two? I was up late, and in between waiting for stuff to load I did that. I've been doing that a lot lately.
Iambic pentameter was not involved. Most of your line haves four stresses each.
Poems that run on meter, like mine, are built out of "feet". A foot is a pattern of rhythm. An Iamb goes da-DUM. So, words like above, below, today, and alike are all Iambs: they're stressed a-BOVE, be-LOW, to-DAY, a-LIKE.
If each line in a poem is five of these in a row, it's called Iambic Pentameter.
If each line is four Iambs, its called Iambic Tetrameter.
Three Iambs= Iambic Trimeter,
Two iambs= Iambic Dimeter.
(One iamb per line= Iambic Monometer, but good luck with THAT 
A Trochee is the other way around: DUM-da. So, words like HAP-py, AB-le, SOME-day, RAIN-drop are all Trochees.
So, if you put five or four or three or two or one of these in a line, you get, respectively, Trochaic Pentameter, Trochaic Tetrameter, etc, etc.
An Anapest is two unstressed syllables followed by a stress: da-da-DUM.
A Dactyl is a streesed syllable followed by two unstressed syllables: DUM-da-da.
And string them together Anapestic/Dactylic Pentameter, Tetrameter-
But I repeat my self.
So we have four kinds of feet here:
Iamb = da-DUM,
Trochee -DUM-da,
Anapest = da-da-DUM,
Dactyl = DUM-da-da.
Read again:
I'd PLANned to WRITE a DEEP critIQUE
in LINES my VERy OWN,
that I might TYPE a BALlad THAT
would MATCH your POem's TONE.
da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM
da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM ,
da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM
da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM.
A verse with four lines is called a Quatrain.
If a quatrain alternates between Iambic Tetrameter and Iambic Trimeter, and rhymes lines 2 and 4, it's called Ballad Meter. I write Ballad meter. And lots of it.
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