HOME | DD
MacabreGoblin —
The Ring
Published: 2012-02-05 11:43:48 +0000 UTC; Views: 4317; Favourites: 163; Downloads: 351
Redirect to original
Description
slender, tarnished silver bandrests in palm of withered hand
ancient promise, absent stare
detritus falls like snow on hair
wedding present grand oak bed
ghosts of words the mirror said
rain-rot splintered windowsills
caustic crumbs of guilty pills
alabaster-shattered trust
footprints in the carpet dust
canopy of velvet shame
creaking-staircase-whispered name
the progeny of lies and tears
divests her of her souvenirs
and grateful for the life she gave
the heirloom never meets the grave
Related content
Comments: 40
I will address this poem systematically via list rather than through prose, and I will not pad your ego. I am critiquing, not writing an editorial:
Vision - 3/5 - The definition of the metric "vision" can be debated endlessly so I will set my definition, which will be the measure of the opus' command over its author. Which is to say the depth and breadth of meaning to the author and also its relationship to the author.
By this metric I rate this piece poorly. For one, the subject is not resolved. Additionally, due to the bi-couplet stanzas, the poem does not properly end. Which is to say that it, like all couplets, rolls like a wave but doesn't end by itself. I think that was the purpose of the invention of terza rima. Because both structurally and thematically the piece fails to end, it is extremely unsatisfying and I feel no connection to you or to the subject, and I fail to dig deeper because poignancy and vision were sacrificed for form and rhyme. (Let's not argue Oscar Wilde's preface)
Originality - 3.5/5 - This poem has thematically been written approximately 700 thousand times. That isn't a bad thing! But it is true, and is noted and there you are.
Technique - 4.5/5 - Your use of enriched and appropriate vocabulary is stellar. I like to think of languages as having, in their lexicon, categories and subsets and the like, in the way that "buxom" and "eviscerate" wouldn't appear in the same work. Clearly they could functionally sit together, but poetically they are starkly contrasted. And in that vein of thought, you command breathtaking dexterity over words. I like that you've sacrificed rigid grammar for the fluidity of the poem, and I like that you aren't pedantic and that the truth of the poem is more important to you than its delivery. I am marking you off half a point based on my personal preference with your stanzas, which I think were a poor choice, and for the use of the word alabaster. Let's not quibble.
Impact - 4.5/5 While I marked off for your use of bi-couplet stanzas, because it destroys the connection to the subject of the poem, I laud it here because it sets the poem on the precipice. It creates a moving edge. A strength, a vigor not otherwise present in the words. I like how it moves aggressively, even though it doesn't grab you per se. The impact is high. Equally, I think, for its merits as well as its failures. It is a wonderful poem. It is very dark, but in a subtle way. It has intrigue.
Overall - 3.875/5
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
this work is superb it really is
i love the extensive vocabulary used in the peice i actually get the the emotions u are trying to convey and it invokes some of my own emotions with empty and or broken promses and the pain that will haunt u
and the imagery is exceptional its almost as u can see wut is happening, probably becuz of how u used the words and how effortlessly they flow along to the morid, yet surprisingly lovely, rythm of the peice
the ghost of the past and the empty words and promises being remenissed in the peice can be felt by the reader and the reader can see and feel wut is being present in thpeice
so yet again i say very well done
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
This is beautiful, I love the way the words flow and the mood of it is so calm yet sad...
--
SUGAR RUSHES STIMULATE THE IMAGINATION! JUST LOOK AT ME WHO'S LIVING PROOF!!!!!!!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Hah, whoa! I was just reading this a day and a half ago, even suggested it be
a Lit DD (don't know if that went through or not), but you getting it as a DD
is a lot better and I congratulate you! I really like this piece and have earlier
said all my thoughts about it. It sacrifices some flow for the power in the
pause you kind of have to take in the wording.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Excellent piece. Each line flows into the next, which makes it easy to read and very interesting.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Beautiful beautiful beautiful. I love the sad sense of decay. Really well done.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
didnt understand it soo IT must be AWsome! 
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I'm one who also likes to write stuff, i greatly admire your work and I'm working on a piece to, though I doubt it will ever get this good!
--
Your magic touch and gentle ways
can lighten harts and brighten days,
And all the good things that you do
reflect the beauty inside of you.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
This is just wonderful I love the words you used this is so playful and yet sad! The imagery is divine and I really enjoy the feelings this poem This should be in a beautiful book! Thank you so much for sharing such a wonderful and sad yet fun and playful poem with us!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
One more thing: have you entered this into any contests?
Because you should. This is absolutely perfect.
O.K. I'll stop stalking you now.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thanks 
And come one, dA is practically DESIGNED for stalking. All the following and +Watching and whatnot...
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Someone set this to music because it's destined to be my favorite song. Oh. My. God. This is beautiful. Rhythmic poetry is rare on DA, so I'm always happy to see it. But this... This is just unreal. Perfect. Wow.
My favorite line: "ghosts of words the mirror said"
So haunting.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thanks so much 
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Hi!
It gives me great pleasure to tell you that this pieces has been featured in our Weekly Round-Up for Feb 13th.
Thanks so much for writing it!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Fantastic! Impeccable meter, smooth flow and effective rhyme. This baby just rolls off the tongue.
The imagery and tone, too, are great - wilting, dusty, an homage to a time once lost.
I adore this
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I like the ancient quality of it. Great flow and imagery.
alabaster is one of my favorite words.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
It sort of brings Miss Havisham to mind from "Great Expectations". I love the imagery and the way you contrast rich opulent things, such as alabaster and grand oak beds with their tarnish and decay.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you!
To be honest this was a bit of an experiment for me. I'm so used to giving the whole entire story in my narrative poetry, and so I wanted to try writing something slightly more ambiguous. It seems to have worked pretty well because everyone who's read it has interpreted it differently - and nobody has figured out what story I was actually trying to tell yet. Overall I'm happy with this result!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
You're welcome!
I bet that's interesting to read 
Gahh now you've got me intrigued, what's the real story???
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
It's actually about a woman who discovered her husband was having an affair shortly after their wedding. The husband left her for this other woman. One day she just lay down in their big bed with a bottle of pills in one hand and her ex husband's heirloom engagement ring in the other - and she ends it all. The poem takes place when her ex husband's son comes to find the ring so he can propose to his fiancee with his family's heirloom ring.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Wow, I have to admit I never would have guessed that, although I was wondering about the pills part, I sort of thought the person with the ring was so depressed about being jilted or abandoned that they took medication for it
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
