BelovedTears [2005-09-01 17:42:02 +0000 UTC]

*laughs*
I do like this one, its sweet and silly...but you can still feel a lil bit of that broken heart in the undercurrent. *lil smile* and I get the feeling of sitting round a campfire, listen to this wisened cowboy...and with a background of soft guitar... hehe but perhaps that's just me.

I think you did well as far a verse breaks, but the feeling I got from it is that you wanted it to flow nicely. and while for the most part i think that was accomplished, there are a couple places where your meter (for lack of a better word) was much choppier than the rest of the piece.

first two lines of the closing verse is a little redundant. Your double use of the word "cowboy" one after another reads awkwardly, I don't know if there's another word you could use as for the "old cowboy" but maybe work with that a lil bit.

the other thing I'd suggest is that you use a little more punctuation. Your poem is rather good, and for the most part flows well, but there are occasional place where itreadslikethis cause you're not sure where to break. Line breaks alone don't make for a breath mark. in the last verse especially is where I noticed a great need for punctuation. just as an example let me show you what I mean.

"So listen young cowboys
To this old cowboy's story,
It's about the only thing that I know.
Don't leave your sweetheart
To go chasing ponies,
Or be the star
Of a fool's rodeo."

its not much but it just changes the way its read in the slightest bit and gives it a lil tiny slice of a different feel, and a different flow.
anywho, there's my uh... two cents...
sorry its so long

~Beloved

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goosey1019 [2005-04-18 22:08:01 +0000 UTC]

haha....that's great.....

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