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McClelland —
On Disappointment
Published: 2009-08-12 22:27:52 +0000 UTC; Views: 5762; Favourites: 180; Downloads: 149
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Description
I.Out on the porch, my mother sat in an Adirondack chair, smoking
her first cigarette in ten years. The air was hazy and discolored.
Her wedding ring spun on the table, gathering fallen ashes.
I was on the floor, knees tucked up under my chin, poking sticks
down the cracks. She spoke of lies and imagined bliss.
She tucked her hair behind her ear and sighed.
I listened as my mother explained the complexity of love.
II.
Last night he drove just over the state border. I sat in the car,
feet up on the dashboard, singing with the radio. He looked at me
like he had a secret. He was the sage and I was the fool.
So there we were, lying together on the moth-eaten bed of some sleazy motel,
naked and not touching. The drink machine hummed outside, the gnats
gathered toward the flickering light.
And I know that I was warned, still it was not what I hoped.
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Comments: 55
the first part sort of reminds me of my mom, when we're at my cottage during the summer we'll sit on the porch and talk and she's always smoking and i'm always curled up in my chair... when i first read my first though was that you had stalked me (jks, jks) i love this, it's nice to have something that strikes up this memory but at the same time is completely unrelated...
part two is wonderful too but the first part hit me the most
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I'm really glad you liked it!
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LOve, love, love the last line. It speaks a thousand pictures.
Sold on faery tales and Hollywood, things are bound to disappoint. They are the sage and we are the fools.
Beautifully written.
I liked the subtle 'dirty' images, they imply love's mess isn't like faerytale's mess, which is nice and pretty, which is what girls are 'supposed' to be.
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...I'm not sure what to actually say about this other than a useless stock-standard "I like this."
That this is the first piece of Literature I've ever faved on dA in my 5 years here should hopefully say something where I'm failing to.
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It speaks volumes! I wish I had more to offer than a simple thank you. But thank you.
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I love the feeling this gives me, of some desolate place out in the country, of the depths of loneliness. Excellent job creating this atmosphere!
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this is an absolutely brilliant little poem.
it completely sums up years worth of wisdom in a few little lines in a way an actual story or novel never could. <33
there are some things that sound a little cliche, like the fallen ashes, but i think they work well in the piece anyways.
it kind of gives it a touch of normalcy and shows that it's a fairly average thing.
i do love the phrasing of the last line, "And I know that I was warned, still it was not what I hoped."
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I understand how you can see "fallen ashes" as cliche - I may re-work it a bit. Thanks for the comment.
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Very beautiful, painful and vivid. I like the parallel between the mother's warning and the daughter's mistake. Beautifully written piece.
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that is quite beautiful, it really spoke to me. i think i teared up a bit too!
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Awww, haha. I'm so glad you liked it.
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I read this on the right day.
Congratulations. It's flawless.
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I'm glad you read it on the right day. Still interested in what you would think if you read it on the wrong day.
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Why does history repeat itself like this?
Because we don't learn from our mistakes?
Because we don't want to admit we were wrong?
Because we're too damn stubborn to do things differently?
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Good questions. I wish I had some answers to them. I'm glad my poem made you think though. Thanks.
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The first thing that comes to mind is that you have something very special here. Congrats on the DD!
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Sometimes we just have to learn for ourselves. Sometimes we just have to sit on the porch smoking and letting it be. Doing our best.
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wow... this is beautiful
Congrats!
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Wow. This is very powerful. It was a little confusing at first but once I read through it carefully I got it. And it hits you hard. I love the fact that you used a sudden abruptness to a happy carefree world, to a grim, dissappointing one. Quite a dark piece. Which brings off alot of truth too.
0o0
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While I understand what you are trying to do, and I do believe that overall you do it very well, the first section feels...supplemental to the second.
To be fair, that is because the second section is truly superb writing, with great potential to hit the reader very, very hard.
This section is very impressive, but leaves the poem a little too lopsided in that while the first section is necessary, it is also too empty to be used to set up the final line. It's mood is correct, but it's too hazy to really have it's punch.
I love the parallel structure you've chosen, a style I think does well to tie in the feelings of the mother to the feelings of the daughter as they each stumble through love.
All in all, it's a strong piece, that I think could be reworked slightly (and only slightly) into something that will knock readers flat, rather than punching 'em on the arm with a dose of "reality". Well done!
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Such great suggestions! Thank you for the critique. I will definitely be keeping your words in mind when I do my revisions.
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My great pleasure. You have a gift for words!
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As someone who greatly dislikes poetry as a whole, I found this rather impressive. It sums up an entire story in very few words, something few people seldom can manage. Congratulations on the DD. It's well-deserved.
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I'm glad I could change your mind (if only for a minute). Thank you for reading.
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I will not leave a really meaningful comment here, but I do want to let you know that I enjoyed reading this. It.. Makes you wonder. And that's a good thing.
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People have loved and lost in so many different ways, but we do it again anyway.
Beautiful piece. Simple but very vivid.
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I love the bluntness of it. A harsh reality, but a true one. To really understand you have to experience the disappointment of emptiness while accepting the warning.
This rings true with my experiences in relationships so far =[
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You're totally right. But remember, we can't have the sweet without the sour. I'm sure your experiences will even themselves out. Thanks for the comment!
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A harsh bittersweet. I'm in love with this one. Well-written and it's certainly is eye-catching. I envy your skill of writing! 
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I really like this piece, for various reasons. The language is simple but effective. There is plenty of substance to it, but it is quite accessible enough not to be totally obscure on a first read-through. Call me lazy, but I like accessible poetry! It also rings very true, for me and countless others.
The language and images are lovely; very evocative of life itself, and you do a great job of giving the whole thing a delightfully grim mood without overdoing it, or making it feel dull; we still care about the speaker, and feel for her (or at least I do!).
Great work, and a much deserved DD feature. Congrats!
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Thank you for all the compliments!
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Ouch. I want to hug that girl.
This is a fabulous piece of writing. The only thing I would touch (and it's a tiny thing, and I believe it's just personal preference) would be the last line: changing "I" to "I'd" to make it "not what I'd hoped." I have a hunch that it'd be more grammatically correct that way. But I'm not entirely sure, so, you know, use your best judgement. Really loved this.
-c
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The reason I didn't put in the contraction is because I didn't want it to say: "not what I would (have) hoped." It felt too wordy.
I'm a grammar stickler myself. Haha. Thanks for reading!
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If it were "not what I'd hoped," it would say, "not what I had hoped," (past perfect tense) rather than "not what I would have hoped," (also past perfect, but the meaning changes - this means she did not hope but might have under different circumstances). But I see what you're saying. I guess my reasoning is, it was something the speaker *had* hoped in the past, but then was sadly mistaken - another example would be something like, "I had hoped we would go to the mall, but then we didn't" (past perfect) - that sentence would sound weird (to me) if it were, "I hoped we would go to the mall, but then we didn't" (simple past tense).
"I hoped" is just kind of weird phrasing in my head, appropriate for things like fiction written in simple past tense, but I think you want past perfect tense here. But like I said, it's probably just personal preference, haha. Sorry to nitpick on your piece! I want you to know I still think it's absolutely lovely, regardless of whether or not you take my suggestion!
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Given the name and the way the story reads, I take it fist as a mother telling her daughter how much love is a pain and not worth the time.
The image of the curled up girl poking at cracks and the singing on the radio also gives a touch of a youthful carefree person.
By the second part I get the feeling that the daughter still had fairytale high hopes and it turns to a 'mother was right' situation all too quickly.
I like it, it reads well and has a nice dose of reality to it. Perhaps a bit more than most like to admit.
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Thanks! I'm glad you shared your interpretation.
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Lots of wonderful space to let the reader tell many stories. I like that he is not referred to by name or familial role; it adds complexity and makes me exam your craft. There are echoes woven all through the piece that pull it nicely along.
I could go either way on fallen ashes. Like its connotation, but it feels trite. Overall, I'm positive towards the words, but it's by a small measure. I got to thinking of 'olympics', but that's probably another aspect of life intruding on editing. Title is appropriate. like he had a secret is sort of like fallen ashes -- the idea is beautiful, but the words seem bald. That is (it seems) one of the intrinsic themes here -- the sense of betrayal that comes of fake secrets; that there's banality in love, a day-to-dayness that carries us along while wearing thin. Other than that, I thought it was flawless and 'm glad to have read it.
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Thank you so much! It was my first attempt at creating something in more than a year (maybe two?) and I wasn't sure if I pulled it off. Your comments are much appreciated.
On another note, I miss you. It's really good to hear from you.
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It's a strong piece. Miss you, too. Hope things are well
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