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mercy4jane — Last Goodbyes
Published: 2007-01-04 11:00:29 +0000 UTC; Views: 145; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 2
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Description
You said 'I love you.'Did you lie?
How can I know,
What could I try?
I cannot ask,
You won't let me.
I've let you go,
Now let me be.
You mark my mind,
You haunt my soul.
I want you gone,
Please let me go.
I miss you,
More than words can say,
I need you here,
I wish I could stay.
But I know what cannot be,
I am no fool,
No naiveity.
You drop me now,
And I still stand.
Strong again,
I'll always land.
On my feet,
You can't kill me.
I'll live forever,
Do not doubt me.
My strength sustains,
And I remain.
This does not mean
I'm without pain.
It still hurts now,
But that will fade.
My tears will form
No salt cascade.
I lock them up,
No emotion.
I have no faults,
No foolish notions.
I am me,
And will always be here.
Forever, not changing,
Goodbye, my dear.
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Comments: 28
The first and last lines compliment each other perfectly in relation to the concept.
Stunning piece.
Only problem was that where the rhyme breaks I felt like I'd missed something. But I saw the big thing as I scrolled down to write this comment and won't press on the matter.
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You'll probably see that I do that alot. I'm a bit weird when it comes to poetry.
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Lol okie okie. I try and stick to the rhyme if I start it that way, though sometimes that can be just a pain in the butt.
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I just write it as it appears in my head. What the brain says, goes. I try not to argue with it.
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Lol always a good idea, my head is always an arguement/discussion/fight with absolutely no reconciliation or compromise.
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It is a rare occasion that one side of brain will agree with the other.
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Lol yeah it's just the uncompromising thing that annoys me. My head is very stubborn.
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i thought it was good, reminded me of 1 i did a while ago but buch much better, the idea came across quite well but there were some awkward moments where i felt there should have been another line or some thing, but nice very nice!
mwa
mwa
kween mac
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Yeah, there are a few lines missing. But this is the original poem, and I don't like to tamper with my own work.
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lol dw i feel the same. i like the feed back but not changing that particular one!
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It's good to see a young poet sticking with simplicity. It's a good way to build up your skills (kinda like practice). But if you're going to do a fixed, rhyming piece, you should follow the format all the way through. You broke the rhythm when you changed the alternating rhyme scheme and left out a line:
"More than words can say,
I need you here,
I wish I could stay.
**line missing**
But I know what cannot be,
I am no fool,
No naiveity.
You drop me now,
And I still stand.
Strong again,
I'll always land."
It's important to stick with one rhythm, otherwise the reader will find themselves going back to re-read what's written, thinking they missed something. This is important if they're going to understand what you're talking about and not get distracted. Hope this helps your future work!
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I'm a Raw Emotion poet, I don't ever choose to write anything in rhyme or stanzas and stuff, it just comes out of the pen.
I'd change it, but its what makes me great. I love it the way it is.
Its a depiction on self.
*shrugs*
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If you read thorugh the poem you have actually written it in the same format, no line is missing, just the words were spaced differently.
If you had written:
"More than words can say,
I need you here,
wish I could stay.
But I know
what cannot be,
I am no fool,
No naiveity.
of course this splits up the sentance but allows the words to roll, its what i read anyway, hence the confusion as i didnt notice it in the first place till this comment
now you said you wanted critique so here it is, and bear in mind i'm not expecting you to change the poem or anything, this is for future advice and enocuragement so no biting
when writing a poem that is heavily structured and rhymed the implication is that it will stay so for the whole piece, so a little bad grammer whilst still making sense is perfectly acceptable in a strucured emotional piece
what is slightly disapointing is that you have seemingly spent a lot of time restructuring this piece to get it just right and if oyu were willing to read through onemore time it is so close to perfect, the sentiments are all there, beautifully described and adhered to its just the odd line that could be edited without changing meaning to make the overall piece that slight bit better
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If you are not willing to change anything, then you should change your setting from "Advanced critique encouraged" to something more appropriate. There are serious writers on dA who use these labels to select which younger or more inexperienced writers to spend their time helping. This setting suggests you are ready and willing to receive constructive criticism.
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I'm sorry, I did not mean to offend you; I was simply trying to offer a suggestion. I apologize if I crossed a boundary (I'm a little confused by your sudden irritation). Again, no harm intended.
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I click advanced critique encouranged, because I want to know what people think. I'd like to know that people don't like that I missed lines and the such. Just because I have no intention of changing my poetry doesn't mean I have less of a right than yourself to click that button.
Now if you don't mind, you could hop off your high horse and give a girl a break. This is the poetry of my life, this is the way I get through my day. If you knew the shit I had been through in life, you wouldn't bug me from doing the one thing that stops me from taking that blade and ending it all every day, okay.
If I wish to try and connect with others like myself through my poetry, by using DA, then that is my business. A poem can change a persons life, I would know.
So if you don't like it, don't read it.
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Nice poetry, nice rhythm in it, some tiny jumpers, but still cool. I don't hink I really need great inteligence to get it because I'd like to think I get it and my inteligence isn't something mentionable.
Perfect english, no grammar / vocabulary mistakes, that's uncommon
I like it but it's too bad that you take it that way, but well... every one has their own way of dealing with difficulties and I won't try to tell you how to do that
I'll check out your gallery and might be watching you
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Thank you, someone who can actual leave a comment worth reading. Everyone else seems to leave a single line with no criticism (Not that I don't appreciate those too), but you get my point.
I like to pride myself on not having grammar and vocab mistakes. They drive me crazy!
I'm not sure how you interpreted the poem, so maybe you could explain that a little.
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Okay... Well... I'm probably way out of line, but if you really want me to then I'll "dissect" this poem.
First of all, let me kindly remind you there is indeed a "hide" button which can be clicked, resulting the an immediate hidden status of this comment... Sorry for that, I felt like ridiculously brittish sentence construction =3
Well... This doesn't look hard to me...
You love a guy but you had some difficulties and now you broke up (or you just put that there and you never had an actual relationship, I know people that would do that).
Well... The thing is... You still love him, which is kind of bad because you don't want to get together again, or you do, you just don't know probably
Anyways... On one hand you want to rid yourself of him and you wish you loved some one else, yet on the other hand you feel sad and depressed and you wish he was there for you.
But... You made some kind of attempt to get over it. You still love him, yet your mind is made up not to let those feelings interfere. It hurts a lot, but that's not the bottom line. The bottom line is that you have your decision and to you, that's what matters.
So well... You decided to just continue walking "the road of life" without a companion for now.
Hehehe... Told you it was going to be way out of line. This is based only on this poem btw so there might be mistakes in it
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Sorry, way off. You can try again if you want. Or you could just ask me to tell you.
Or you could just forget about it.
Any way you like, no problem to me. Its just a poem, wel it is my life, but I'm the one suffering those concequences.
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Way off !?! *cries*
Well... I'm not really crying but it sur is a bummer!
And yeah... I'd like to know what it is then! o.O
Oh god I feel like a complete idiot now xD
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Dear God, now I have to explain Sean and I. This will be a task.
Okay...
Sean's 27, I'm 18. That's a big problem, you can see. My mum loved him, he had a job, a car, all that. But there was one prob, EVERYONE ELSE! Lol.
That didn't bother us. We went out for about 4 months. We still love each other, we know that. Everyone knows that.
We're kind of... still fuck buddies. We kind of, act like we're going out, and we're not.
He freaked out after I started sleeping with other guys. So we're like... I don't know what you call it, 'dating but not' see.
I know I shouldn't, it hurts me so much to be with him, and not at the same time. I'm not sure if he's the same. I think he is, but I'm scared if I act on it, and I'm wrong I'll lose him forever.
The other day he'd come over, and we'd well... we finished, and we just lay there, for ages. Him just looking and me, me looking at him. We didn't say anything. I nearly cried it hurt so bad. And he had this stupid smile on his face, this stupid 'love you, and always will' smile. So content, so happy.
It was so beautiful.
Okay, look, its messed up, I know.
Don't even get me started on the other guys in my life.
Does that explain it? I think I did a terribly crappy job.
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Yeah... It kind of explains ^^
Anyhow... I'm sorry to hear =/
I'll comment more on this later... just soooo busy (and have 27 deviations queued for watching)
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That happens to me all the time. I hardly have time to do anythign these days.
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Kind of felt the meaning in ur poetry. Had gone through the same thing...well if i interpreted your piece right. Nice work
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Yeah, that's why I decided to submit it. I think alot of people have been through similar things.
I like to show my work that I think others will relate to.
And then every now and again I throw in something random ;D
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As it is personal I don't get all points like you allready said others probably won't.
I know the style of writing and thinking, I like writing like this to an dmost of the time i really don't know what I wrote and after several times rereading it I get all points.
I think it is a pretty poem!
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Itts just about my boyfriend and I breaking up.
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