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Description

Let me share a story.

It's is quite personal, and I have two kinds of struggle with this text. Firstly, to bring myself to write this in the first place, and secondly, to keep it short.

I've learned that many find the way I see the world as rather peculiar and controversial. I give you an example of a scene I've lived all too many times during the last few years (honestly, this is just one example):
I'm asked what I would like to do as a profession. I answer: "A doctor. A neurosurgeon or a diagnostician." They are seemingly impressed and question me why I would like to pursue this chosen path. It is expected for me to tell how I find nothing more enjoyable than to dedicate my life to helping others and save human lives.
When I say instead: "I'm into it because of the science. I know I can be great if I work hard. I want to be so good people respect me and do what I say even if they wouldn't like me that much. Knowledge is power and on that branch of science there is infinite amount to learn. Blood or other such things do not make me feel sick but fascinate me. I want to cure patients for the sake of cracking the puzzle or make a new discovery for the sake of knowing more. The fact that the finding in hand might help hundreds of sick people or save children from being orphaned is surely a great thing, but isn't exactly the thing that drives me forward."
I've grown to notice the slightest changes on people's faces when they feel resentment towards me, even fear in some cases. Although I'm quite numbed it still stings, especially when seen on a face of person really close to me. It leads me to think:
"Who are you to judge me? I don't judge you for your choices no matter how stupid I think they are. What is your problem really, why do you choose to see the evil in me, even though I actually have done nothing bad. Why can't you appreciate the fact that I'm being so honest with you? I understand that my previous monologue is not blankly what you would like to hear if you were the dying patient whose head I'm about to crack open, but what does my motives really matter if at the end of day I'm saving your life?" I'd lie, but I think it's better to be hated for something you are than to be loved for something you're not.

But really...

...it would be even nicer, just for once, to be loved for something you are.

Long story short, I've struggled with some serious problems with my mental health, featuring for example a great deal of anxiety and panic attacks, for it was my belief there was something wrong with me. I had (and still have) great difficulties to trust people - afraid of being judged - and it seemed to make me utterly unlovable, for not being the kind of girl who is ready to pour her heart out for anyone ready to take it in. I dwell in this self loathing and fear, constant feeling of insufficient.
After one especially rough evening, after I had pulled myself together again so that I was physically capable to read (eyes not watering so badly I could actually see past them) I grabbed my Harry Potter and The Order Of The Phoenix and read something about the Slytherins ways of acting and felt like I could totally relate to it. I did a thorough Google research about the Slytherin house and felt a physical wave of belonging trundle right through me. Just knowing there is a whole community of people (of a fictional magic school house, I don't care) who share my way of thinking gave me hope. I wanted to draw this emblem and hang it in my bedroom to remind me of that sweet sensation I once had and to keep me believing the good in this world. I'm proud to be a Slytherin.

If this message reached a fellow Slytherin - or anyone who gives a damn, for that matter - do NOT hesitate to contact me, it would be just awesome to hear from you :3

Description

Let me share a story.

It's is quite personal, and I have two kinds of struggle with this text. Firstly, to bring myself to write this in the first place, and secondly, to keep it short.

I've learned that many find the way I see the world as rather peculiar and controversial. I give you an example of a scene I've lived all too many times during the last few years (honestly, this is just one example):
I'm asked what I would like to do as a profession. I answer: "A doctor. A neurosurgeon or a diagnostician." They are seemingly impressed and question me why I would like to pursue this chosen path. It is expected for me to tell how I find nothing more enjoyable than to dedicate my life to helping others and save human lives.
When I say instead: "I'm into it because of the science. I know I can be great if I work hard. I want to be so good people respect me and do what I say even if they wouldn't like me that much. Knowledge is power and on that branch of science there is infinite amount to learn. Blood or other such things do not make me feel sick but fascinate me. I want to cure patients for the sake of cracking the puzzle or make a new discovery for the sake of knowing more. The fact that the finding in hand might help hundreds of sick people or save children from being orphaned is surely a great thing, but isn't exactly the thing that drives me forward."
I've grown to notice the slightest changes on people's faces when they feel resentment towards me, even fear in some cases. Although I'm quite numbed it still stings, especially when seen on a face of person really close to me. It leads me to think:
"Who are you to judge me? I don't judge you for your choices no matter how stupid I think they are. What is your problem really, why do you choose to see the evil in me, even though I actually have done nothing bad. Why can't you appreciate the fact that I'm being so honest with you? I understand that my previous monologue is not blankly what you would like to hear if you were the dying patient whose head I'm about to crack open, but what does my motives really matter if at the end of day I'm saving your life?" I'd lie, but I think it's better to be hated for something you are than to be loved for something you're not.

But really...

...it would be even nicer, just for once, to be loved for something you are.

Long story short, I've struggled with some serious problems with my mental health, featuring for example a great deal of anxiety and panic attacks, for it was my belief there was something wrong with me. I had (and still have) great difficulties to trust people - afraid of being judged - and it seemed to make me utterly unlovable, for not being the kind of girl who is ready to pour her heart out for anyone ready to take it in. I dwell in this self loathing and fear, constant feeling of insufficient.
After one especially rough evening, after I had pulled myself together again so that I was physically capable to read (eyes not watering so badly I could actually see past them) I grabbed my Harry Potter and The Order Of The Phoenix and read something about the Slytherins ways of acting and felt like I could totally relate to it. I did a thorough Google research about the Slytherin house and felt a physical wave of belonging trundle right through me. Just knowing there is a whole community of people (of a fictional magic school house, I don't care) who share my way of thinking gave me hope. I wanted to draw this emblem and hang it in my bedroom to remind me of that sweet sensation I once had and to keep me believing the good in this world. I'm proud to be a Slytherin.

If this message reached a fellow Slytherin - or anyone who gives a damn, for that matter - do NOT hesitate to contact me, it would be just awesome to hear from you :3