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WARNING: The following contains paragraph after paragraph of literary stupidity written by a dude who one day decided to take all the rules to writing a story and throw them out the window as a prerequisite for writing something completely pointless and nonsensical. If you experience facepalms, general WTF-ness, eye cancer or even death, contact your doctor because Golden Shenanigans might not be right for you.

This is a story that happened a long long time ago, in a mobian town far, far away... you probably want some more specific information than that, but since we've decided to throw all the rules and guidelines for writing a story out the window, you're just gonna have to use your imagination.

So anyway, in this town, there lived a hawk called Michael J. Hawk... Wow. He's a hawk and his last name is Hawk? How did I not see that coming? I heard that most mobians usually follow a formula for names that goes "X the ", but apparently this dude has a middle name and last name like a normal person. But I digress...

So anyway, his name was Michael J. Hawk, but his friends called him Mike (quel surprise, right?), and he was a member of an organization that operated in his town... OH CRAP!! I forgot to tell you the name of the town was Roguetown. Ok, I'm back on track now. So he was a part of an organization that operated in Roguetown called the Goldmane Gang, although they also sometimes call it Goldmane Family. Not sure how to describe them: imagine if you were to take the Freedom Fighters from the Archie Sonic the Hedgehog comics and turn them into a mafia family or something. That's them.

The "Goldmane" part is their leader's nickname... or epithet, if you wanna sound like a pretentious douche. Anyway, they call him Goldmane because he's a lion whose mane has a golden color, like it was made of gold. But don't let that detail fool you into thinking this guy is lame, because he isn't. We're talking about a 50 meter tall mobian lion. Seriously, this dude is HUGE!! He has lots of stamina, a sh*tload of physical strength and has the power to create shockwaves that can cause earthquakes and tsunamis. This giant lion radiates manliness. Just looking at him makes me want to get on the floor and do push-ups until my muscles bleed, and then keep going.

So anyway (I just noticed that I keep saying "so anyway" at the beginning of every paragraph), let me tell you about the guys Mike usually worked with. The first one is a fox called Daxos, who happens to be a wizard that can control the 4 classical elements: fire, water, wind and earth (so basically, this dude is the f***ing Avatar). He comes from a long line of wizards who continue to promote magic even though they're living in the age of technology, but one day his entire wizard family vanished.

The next one is Marco the Hawk, a dude with serious anger management issues who looked up to Mobius's heroes until his village was destroyed by bandits and the heroes didn't make it in time to save them. This resulted in Marco hating all heroes. He's a skilled sniper. And I mean REALLY skilled. We're talking shooting a butterfly landing on a flower in a field of grass all the way from the motherf***ing North Pole skilled... ok, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but the point is he'll snipe yo ass with ease.

The jewel of them all is this mountain lion called Vulcan, who has power over magma (Get it? Cuz his name is Vulcan!). This guy was Mike's teacher when the hawk was like 10 years old. He was supposed to teach him how to fight, and let me tell ya, he did not go easy on the guy. Every training session consisted of Mike getting his ass handed to him for almost an hour. According to Vulcan, he was born in a volcanic region (MORE MAGMA REFERENCES!!!) and the strict training they underwent when they were born was necessary to toughen up in order to help Vulcan's kind survive the harsh conditions of their environment... then again, for all we know, that was just a bogus story to cover up suspicions of child abuse. I dunno, I only met the guy once.

Have you ever had a guy say they'd cut off their arm for your sake? Well, this guy actually did that for Mike. The kid was lured into a G.U.N trap, Vulcan came to rescue him and when they restrained his arm, the mountain lion pulled out a sword and cut off his own arm LIKE A BOSS!! Then it triggered something in Mike that allowed him to shoot a lightning blast and kill everyone (oh yeah, I forgot to mention Mike uses lightning) and after that he was somehow strong enough to carry his teacher back to their base and make it in time for the doctors to keep Vulcan from dying of blood loss. I honestly don't know how Mike did it, probably through some power of friendship combined with Deus Ex Machina bullsh*t. Or maybe it was residual badassery from Goldmane.

So anyway (damn it, did it again), Mike was walking through the Goldmane Gang's base, which happens to be built into a mountain range somewhere in Mobius, when his buddy Daxos the Avata- sorry, the ELEMENTAL WIZARD came to him. His panting was a clear sign that he had been running for quite a while.

Random dude: NO SH*T SHERLOCK!!

Shut up! So Daxos came up to him and explained that he was busy working on a spell that could breathe life into inanimate objects...

Random dude: I thought you said he could only use elemental magic.

I said shut up! Daxos was explaining that he was working on that spell when suddenly something had gone wrong and Michael's toaster had turned into a monster.

"Damn it, Daxos!" Michael said, pretty damn pissed. "That's the 15th time this week that your spells cause some kind of bullsh*t in the base!"

"Look, help me gather some guys to take care of the toaster," Daxos said calmly, "and you can bitch at me all you want later!"

So Michael and Daxos started getting to work and had managed to get help from 50 grunts in their family (I'm curious: how do they know who is who? Do they have to memorize the names and face of absolutely everyone in the gang?). Before they headed to the kitchen, Michael went back to his room (I forgot to mention he was busy playing Super Smash Bros Brawl with a grunt called Connor when he suddenly got thirsty, which is why he was walking through the big ass hallways of the base).

"Hey Connor, would you mind watching my Red Bull?" he asked. "I need to go destroy my toaster because Daxos turned it into a monster."

"Yeah, no problem," Connor answered. I like how he was just like "yeah, no problem" instead of raising an eyebrow or, you know, giving Mike a WTF look.

"Mike, hurry!" Daxos said through the communicator. "It's trying to swallow the 30 meter barrels of vodka!"

"Damn it!" Michael exclaimed as he ran out of his room and towards the kitchen. "That's the old man's vodka! If something happens to them, there's gonna be hell for everyone!"

When Mike made it to the kitchen, he saw what was going on: the toaster had grown in size until it was bigger than all 50 grunts that were inside the kitchen combined (must be a pretty big ass kitchen if it could fit 50 people in it... or 30 meter barrels of vodka, for that matter). He could hear the grunts saying stuff like "holy crap!" and "what do we do now?!" and stuff like that.

The toaster let out a roar and was getting ready to charge at them, but Mike, being the total badass that he is, decided to unplug the toaster and it stopped and shrunk until it was just a normal, regular-sized toaster. Yes, you heard me right, he unplugged it. ALL THOSE IDIOTS HAD TO DO WAS UNPLUG THE F***ING TOASTER THAT WAS AFFECTED BY A MAGICAL SPELL!! I don't even know how unplugging it makes the spell go away, but hey, whatever works...

Anywho, after they saved the base from the Giant Almighty 30 Meter Barrel of Vodka Destroying Toaster of Doom, Michael and Daxos headed back to Mike's room, only to find Connor going completely apesh*t and trashing the room.

"OHMYF***INGGODIMSOHYPERRIGHTNOWIFEELLIKEICANDOEVERYTHINGMAYBEILLRUNAMARATHONALLOVERTHEBASEATHOUSANDTIMESORMAYBEILLTRYTOSWIMACROSSTHEOCEANALLTHEWAYTOTHENORTHPOLEIDONTCAREILLTOTALLYDOITBECAUSETFG589HNGF9G56NHG8959GH658G425F8BGV8BV48B5F8787H3F4HQF9GHW0GH4WGF9HG54WHGF8W5H809GVH54GH8095FHG804G5W0GH54G0H54GHG854HFV80B45RGF8H0HG!!!!" After saying that, Connor burst through the wall when he could've simply opened the door, which was only inches away from the hole he'd made, and ran off to Chaos knows where. Mike walked up to his can of Red Bull, which was now empty, and shook it. A few droplets fell on the floor.

"Connor drank your Red Bull?" Daxos asked.

"Yep..." Michael sighed.

And thus ends the first chapter of Golden Shenanigans. I hope you enjoyed it. If you did, look forward to the next chapter. If you didn't, well, that's too bad. If you thought that this story was horrendous and it made you want to find out where I live so you can come shoot me 88 times, good! That's what I was going for!

:D (Big Grin) — Description
WARNING: The following contains paragraph after paragraph of literary stupidity written by a dude who one day decided to take all the rules to writing a story and throw them out the window as a prerequisite for writing something completely pointless and nonsensical. If you experience facepalms, general WTF-ness, eye cancer or even death, contact your doctor because Golden Shenanigans might not be right for you.

This is a story that happened a long long time ago, in a mobian town far, far away... you probably want some more specific information than that, but since we've decided to throw all the rules and guidelines for writing a story out the window, you're just gonna have to use your imagination.

So anyway, in this town, there lived a hawk called Michael J. Hawk... Wow. He's a hawk and his last name is Hawk? How did I not see that coming? I heard that most mobians usually follow a formula for names that goes "X the ", but apparently this dude has a middle name and last name like a normal person. But I digress...

So anyway, his name was Michael J. Hawk, but his friends called him Mike (quel surprise, right?), and he was a member of an organization that operated in his town... OH CRAP!! I forgot to tell you the name of the town was Roguetown. Ok, I'm back on track now. So he was a part of an organization that operated in Roguetown called the Goldmane Gang, although they also sometimes call it Goldmane Family. Not sure how to describe them: imagine if you were to take the Freedom Fighters from the Archie Sonic the Hedgehog comics and turn them into a mafia family or something. That's them.

The "Goldmane" part is their leader's nickname... or epithet, if you wanna sound like a pretentious douche. Anyway, they call him Goldmane because he's a lion whose mane has a golden color, like it was made of gold. But don't let that detail fool you into thinking this guy is lame, because he isn't. We're talking about a 50 meter tall mobian lion. Seriously, this dude is HUGE!! He has lots of stamina, a sh*tload of physical strength and has the power to create shockwaves that can cause earthquakes and tsunamis. This giant lion radiates manliness. Just looking at him makes me want to get on the floor and do push-ups until my muscles bleed, and then keep going.

So anyway (I just noticed that I keep saying "so anyway" at the beginning of every paragraph), let me tell you about the guys Mike usually worked with. The first one is a fox called Daxos, who happens to be a wizard that can control the 4 classical elements: fire, water, wind and earth (so basically, this dude is the f***ing Avatar). He comes from a long line of wizards who continue to promote magic even though they're living in the age of technology, but one day his entire wizard family vanished.

The next one is Marco the Hawk, a dude with serious anger management issues who looked up to Mobius's heroes until his village was destroyed by bandits and the heroes didn't make it in time to save them. This resulted in Marco hating all heroes. He's a skilled sniper. And I mean REALLY skilled. We're talking shooting a butterfly landing on a flower in a field of grass all the way from the motherf***ing North Pole skilled... ok, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but the point is he'll snipe yo ass with ease.

The jewel of them all is this mountain lion called Vulcan, who has power over magma (Get it? Cuz his name is Vulcan!). This guy was Mike's teacher when the hawk was like 10 years old. He was supposed to teach him how to fight, and let me tell ya, he did not go easy on the guy. Every training session consisted of Mike getting his ass handed to him for almost an hour. According to Vulcan, he was born in a volcanic region (MORE MAGMA REFERENCES!!!) and the strict training they underwent when they were born was necessary to toughen up in order to help Vulcan's kind survive the harsh conditions of their environment... then again, for all we know, that was just a bogus story to cover up suspicions of child abuse. I dunno, I only met the guy once.

Have you ever had a guy say they'd cut off their arm for your sake? Well, this guy actually did that for Mike. The kid was lured into a G.U.N trap, Vulcan came to rescue him and when they restrained his arm, the mountain lion pulled out a sword and cut off his own arm LIKE A BOSS!! Then it triggered something in Mike that allowed him to shoot a lightning blast and kill everyone (oh yeah, I forgot to mention Mike uses lightning) and after that he was somehow strong enough to carry his teacher back to their base and make it in time for the doctors to keep Vulcan from dying of blood loss. I honestly don't know how Mike did it, probably through some power of friendship combined with Deus Ex Machina bullsh*t. Or maybe it was residual badassery from Goldmane.

So anyway (damn it, did it again), Mike was walking through the Goldmane Gang's base, which happens to be built into a mountain range somewhere in Mobius, when his buddy Daxos the Avata- sorry, the ELEMENTAL WIZARD came to him. His panting was a clear sign that he had been running for quite a while.

Random dude: NO SH*T SHERLOCK!!

Shut up! So Daxos came up to him and explained that he was busy working on a spell that could breathe life into inanimate objects...

Random dude: I thought you said he could only use elemental magic.

I said shut up! Daxos was explaining that he was working on that spell when suddenly something had gone wrong and Michael's toaster had turned into a monster.

"Damn it, Daxos!" Michael said, pretty damn pissed. "That's the 15th time this week that your spells cause some kind of bullsh*t in the base!"

"Look, help me gather some guys to take care of the toaster," Daxos said calmly, "and you can bitch at me all you want later!"

So Michael and Daxos started getting to work and had managed to get help from 50 grunts in their family (I'm curious: how do they know who is who? Do they have to memorize the names and face of absolutely everyone in the gang?). Before they headed to the kitchen, Michael went back to his room (I forgot to mention he was busy playing Super Smash Bros Brawl with a grunt called Connor when he suddenly got thirsty, which is why he was walking through the big ass hallways of the base).

"Hey Connor, would you mind watching my Red Bull?" he asked. "I need to go destroy my toaster because Daxos turned it into a monster."

"Yeah, no problem," Connor answered. I like how he was just like "yeah, no problem" instead of raising an eyebrow or, you know, giving Mike a WTF look.

"Mike, hurry!" Daxos said through the communicator. "It's trying to swallow the 30 meter barrels of vodka!"

"Damn it!" Michael exclaimed as he ran out of his room and towards the kitchen. "That's the old man's vodka! If something happens to them, there's gonna be hell for everyone!"

When Mike made it to the kitchen, he saw what was going on: the toaster had grown in size until it was bigger than all 50 grunts that were inside the kitchen combined (must be a pretty big ass kitchen if it could fit 50 people in it... or 30 meter barrels of vodka, for that matter). He could hear the grunts saying stuff like "holy crap!" and "what do we do now?!" and stuff like that.

The toaster let out a roar and was getting ready to charge at them, but Mike, being the total badass that he is, decided to unplug the toaster and it stopped and shrunk until it was just a normal, regular-sized toaster. Yes, you heard me right, he unplugged it. ALL THOSE IDIOTS HAD TO DO WAS UNPLUG THE F***ING TOASTER THAT WAS AFFECTED BY A MAGICAL SPELL!! I don't even know how unplugging it makes the spell go away, but hey, whatever works...

Anywho, after they saved the base from the Giant Almighty 30 Meter Barrel of Vodka Destroying Toaster of Doom, Michael and Daxos headed back to Mike's room, only to find Connor going completely apesh*t and trashing the room.

"OHMYF***INGGODIMSOHYPERRIGHTNOWIFEELLIKEICANDOEVERYTHINGMAYBEILLRUNAMARATHONALLOVERTHEBASEATHOUSANDTIMESORMAYBEILLTRYTOSWIMACROSSTHEOCEANALLTHEWAYTOTHENORTHPOLEIDONTCAREILLTOTALLYDOITBECAUSETFG589HNGF9G56NHG8959GH658G425F8BGV8BV48B5F8787H3F4HQF9GHW0GH4WGF9HG54WHGF8W5H809GVH54GH8095FHG804G5W0GH54G0H54GHG854HFV80B45RGF8H0HG!!!!" After saying that, Connor burst through the wall when he could've simply opened the door, which was only inches away from the hole he'd made, and ran off to Chaos knows where. Mike walked up to his can of Red Bull, which was now empty, and shook it. A few droplets fell on the floor.

"Connor drank your Red Bull?" Daxos asked.

"Yep..." Michael sighed.

And thus ends the first chapter of Golden Shenanigans. I hope you enjoyed it. If you did, look forward to the next chapter. If you didn't, well, that's too bad. If you thought that this story was horrendous and it made you want to find out where I live so you can come shoot me 88 times, good! That's what I was going for!