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MJTism — Champions: Chapter 1
Published: 2013-03-17 02:51:13 +0000 UTC; Views: 182; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 1
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Well, no turning back now. My first original story is underway! This may be a bit different than my fanfics, that'd be because I have to construct my own world as I go. So if this seems unpleasantly slow, my apologies. So, Peter and Astrid, the first of many.Related content
Comments: 56
I'm essentially with ~Notorius-Benjamin on this one. I don't know enough about the characters to pass any real judgement yet. Jury's still out on this.
Now,, is Astrid calling Pete "sweetie" (like sweetheart) or "sweaty" (like sweaty after a workout)?
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I'm taking it slow this time, I have to make the whole world pop up around them as I go while developing the characters, so I'm being careful. And did I have a typo? Whoops!
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That makes sense. I don't know how subtly you want to dance your circles around the magic and mystery in your story, but I think you could probably go a shade finer with the hints and foreshadowing. You've kind of beaten your readers about the head and neck with the fact that the birthmarks are important. It depends on your personal tastes as a writer, of course, but there's nothing wrong with forcing your readers to guess a little and draw their own (even wrong) conclusions. Just a friendly suggestions
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Have I really been that blunt with the whole importance of their birthmarks thing? Well, you'll see why Peter is the one who gets feelings about them later. I don't think subtly foreshadowing has ever been my strong suit but I suppose I could try... And I would like things to be... On second thought, I won't say more. No spoilers. Any thoughts on the shapes of the marks?
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Well... yeah. It comes out of the blue. You say that he has several thoughts running through his head, but you don't list the mundane ones, just the important one. Then you expound upon it, pointing out in no uncertain terms that the advent of a recognizably-shaped birthmark is extremely rare, and then repeat your iteration of Pete's "feeling," all in the space of a few sentences.
It's essentially:
detaildetaildetaildetaildetaildetaildetail
---> IMPORTANT PLOT POINT <--
---> THIS THING IS RARE <---
---> AGAIN, THIS IS IMPORTANT <---
detaildetaildetaildetaildetaildetaildetail
It all comes down to personal preference, really, depending on your audience and your own writing style. If you want to provide us with obvious clues, then you've achieved that. And who doesn't love near-instant gratification? (I certainly do)
But if you want your readers to be thinking about your story and forming their own opinions (wrong or right) then you want to weave the hints and clues more seamlessly into the surrounding narrative.
For example, instead of having the sudden thought that his mark was important, you could have it itch or tingle. You might talk about its shape, vaguely bird-like, but you wouldn't necessarily need to say that it was extremely rare to have a birthmark that's actually shaped like something. Then during the course of Pete and Astrid's conversation, Astrid would scratch absently at her hand. And that's it. That's as much as you give us. And if your readers have their wits about them, they might just pick upon your hints.
Similarly, although we haven't gotten far in the Skyrim narrative, you'll see that Eirleif likes to drink and she likes to read. She almost always has a book with her, carefully wrapped in oiled sailcloth to keep off the damp. And maybe, one day, I'd mention that she's reading a particular book. Maybe it'd be Confessions of a Dunmer Skooma-Eater (a real book in Skyrim, as it turns out). And maybe to the casual reader, that means nothing. But if they're considering her drinking habits and her reading preferences (and even if I hadn't alluded to it in the interlude I wrote), maybe they might have drawn the conclusion that she, herself, had to fight a skooma addiction.
Does that make sense? I don't want to harp on you. I know you're basing your writing on your own tastes and a lot of the books you read are of a certain style. That's not bad, and I'm not saying that I've at all mastered the art of subtlety myself (not at all, in point of fact), but it's a suggestion.
Anyway, since we're dealing with Greek, Norse, and Celtic myths...
Bird (raven?): Odin's two ravens, Huginn (thought) and Muninn (memory); could also be the Morrigan, but that's usually related to women.
Hammer: Thor (Mjolnir); Hephaestus (?)
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I've always wanted to be more subtle, but this wasn't the time to do it I guess, I wanted to give the slightest hint of things to come. And you have got to admit, having a birthmark that looks distinctly like something isn't exactly commonplace. And I thank you for the hints on how to be subtle, they will probably be of use in the next few chapters. And really? I like that, kinda cool, the whole "drunken reader" concept. As if books didn't make us expect to much sober! It does all make sense BTW, and I don't feel like I'm being harped on at all, in fact, I still feel like I can't thank you enough for helping me become a better writer. And I won't tell you if you're right or wrong, but keep thinking.
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I admit that a curiously-shaped birthmark is, well, curious. But why explicitly tell us how odd that is? We're (hopefully) smart enough to recognize its strangeness for ourselves. It's slightly akin to saying, "The boy had a lightning-bolt shaped scar on his forehead. This was strange because, strictly speaking, scars aren't usually shaped like anything at all."
That's an extreme example, but you know what I mean
At any rate, I strive for subtlety because I think it keeps the reader more engaged. I want them to be thinking when they read, to form theories about the course of the narrative before it happens. There are lots of ways to do that; I'm not saying my way is the only way or even the best way. No matter what you decide, I'll certainly keep reading.
It's my pleasure to critique your work, and I always hope you're extend me the same courtesy now and again. I consider us friends (internet buddies, at least), so it's always harder for me to actually criticize rather than praise. I want you to feel good about what you've written, so my natural instinct is to compliment.
I will keep thinking! I really don't know anything about Celtic myth, so there's a real gap in my knowledge base.
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I get it. And I'm going to try for that as I go on, believe me. And yes, we must all respect each other's styles, tis the way of things. Glad to hear you'll keep reading, and honestly, I consider us to be about as close as friends will get without actually knowing what each other's faces look like, and I just want to let you know, I'd be offended if I found out a compliment was insincere, do your worst so that I might do my best.
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No matter how much I bitch and moan, though, you should write to please yourself, too, so if you don't want to take my advice, then I encourage you not to!
I don't give compliments where I think they're not warranted, so don't be concerned on that count
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Thanks for the vote of confidence! And good to know you're unbiased to a certain degree. How's it coming with skyrim on your end, or more importantly, KEENAN!
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Ugh. It's just not. I don't know. Working on it.
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It'll happen eventually! In theory.
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Gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
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Have you ever had a crush but then you don't tell your friends who it is because you don't want them to "Help"?
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Not really. I've seen it happen to other people, but I play my cards a bit closer to the chest. I don't tell my friends if I have a crush on somebody on principle.
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That's what I'm doing now. I told two friends that I had this crush, not who I have it on, and instantly they both got identical evil grins and offered assistance. Really awkward for me cause she was in the same room at the time, course, nobody knew that.
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Oh god. Okay. You kind of asked for it, though
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Maybe. Also, I think I may be developing a type. I've always liked girls with a good personality (and yes, shocking as it may be, I look for that first) but in the last three years I've had two crushes that are Hispanic, one naturally blonde GF, and my current crush is blonde.
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So... blonde or Hispanic? Or a blonde Hispanic?
Myself, I like girls with strong, bold features. Stubborn chins, high cheekbones, strong jawlines, that sort of thing. I don't like girls that are too dainty. Or shorter than me.
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I can't not like girls that are shorter than me, I'm 6'4", one of the tallest kids at my school in my sophomore year. And honestly, from a standpoint of looks, I like petite girls, just mot too skinny. And really the face, doesn't matter so long as the features fit well together. Also blue and green eyes. I am a total sucker for blue and green eyes. And I'm not actually sure about the whole blonde Hispanic thing because one Puertorican girl in my class dyed her hair blonde for a while last year and it looked OK, but not something I found particularly attractive.
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I prefer being shorter because I like being the girly one and nothing says girly like being shorter than your significant other (<-- not true, but still). I also like dark, dark brown eyes best.
I've never liked it when girls dye their hair. Especially if it's from dark to blonde. That almost never looks good and it's really rough on the hair, leaving it looking kind of straw-like and unattractive.
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I see, that kinda makes sense. Is your current girl taller than you then? And maybe that's what made it look bad, she has naturally black hair. Thinking about it... Yup. Hispanic girls that are actually blonde are the shit. My ex dyed her hair, she mad it red for a while, she did look good as a redhead... I like brown eyes too, but my eyes are broen, as are my mother's and sister's, so they get a little boring.
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Yes, she is
My sister has green eyes, my mom has light brown, my dad has blue, and I have hazel-ish eyes. So there's no way to get bored on that front.
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My sis has hazel. She had brown for most of her life but then when she was about ten they started turning more hazel and now they sorta look either greenish or brownish hazel depending on the light.
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That's actually very similar to mine. I thought mine were light brown for ages but then I had girls staring deeply into my eyes to tell me differently XD
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How many girls? Hm? you make yourself sound like a freaking pimp.
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I would never kiss and tell <-- CLICHE SOMEBODY SHOOT ME.
As a matter of course, pimps manage the slightly more business aspects of prostitution. So. I am not that.
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But anyway, really shallow, really weird one now. What is a bigger factor in looks for you, joins or butt? I'd have to say the ass.
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Joins? Is that a type or an autocorrect thing?
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How the ever living fuck did auto correct turn tits into joins?
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Haha!
I'm gonna go with ass. But it's a close call!
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Sleeping in the park? Wow.
Nice work. I will continue to read...
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Not a normal nap, you'll see, YOU'LL ALL SEE!
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Naps in public. Not usually the smartest thing to do. You have my attention.
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Oh, not a normal nap. Luckily everyone is still inside from the rain.
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Are they going to get an prophecy or something, 'cause I passed out in a park once and I swear I dreamt about the entire next week minute for minute (98% of it came true). And yes, it is good that they were out of the rain.
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No prophecy, but I know what you're saying, I've never dreamed an entire week in advance, but I offten feel like I've dreamed bits and pieces of my day the night before.
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Darn. Oh, well I already have like 2 more theories. I wonder how that happens you know? Like dreaming about the future, because I've been suffering from this "deja vu" of sorts since the 2nd grade.
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I wonder that too. I also wonder what these theories are.
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I can't tell you. If I give my predictions and you say they're wrong then that lowers the possibilities. I want to be surprised as I would if I didn't have contact with the author. (I'm also working on self control. I may renege because of my lack of self control. It's a vicious cycle.) But I digress. I cannot tell you my theories.
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I wouldn't give out spoilers! But, I totally understand. Good luck with that!
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