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Description
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Cappy’s Random Rant
====================
I want you to picture…a little boy. In a country that has an impossibly hard to pronounce name, there is cabin perched on a grassy hill surrounded by the blackest forest that perfumes the area in Christmas-like pine. Inside a little nook of the cabin, the little boy gets ready for bed. By the friendly yellowish glow of a candle made of oxen fat, his father sits by the boy’s bed and recalls myths of the Old Country.

“My son, have I told you the story of the fearsome Basilisk?” asks the father in a voice aged by years of a hardened life.
The little boy, with a twinkle in his eye, chirps “Yes papa, you have. Oh, but tell me again! One day I wish to go to America, the land of dreams, and shall publish your stories! And it will make little boys all over that nation as happy as I!”

The little boy saves money from selling yams at the local market, and in several years he finds himself a young lad at a prestigious American University. Refusing to use modern technology such as pens, he dips a pigeon quill into a jar of india ink and scribes fantastical stories about sandy golems stealing children under the harvest moon, and of the harpy who sings a painfully lonely song as she watches the town from her mountain perch knowing she can never visit there.

The teachers praise the young lad. “You will go far, and your stories will inspire generations of authors!” the educators encourage. Horrifically, the young lad is involved in a freak meat grinder accident, and his hands are removed from his body. In his sterilized hospital bed, the young lad looks at his mummified nubs and weeps “I have failed you, papa! I have lost the hands that were meant to publish your words!” Just then…a homely yet cute redheaded nurse by the name of Molly enters the young lad’s room to change the dressings.

Through Molly’s infectious optimism, she helps the young lad in rehabilitation; he eventually learns to use his feet to grasp a pen. His dreams are yet to be shattered! This young lad becomes a strong man, and with Molly by his side serving him mint tea, he footlooses page after page of myths for his literary opus. He packs a suitcase, and with a kiss from Molly, he hops a jet to meet a bigwig Texan publisher. The rotund man on the other side of the table flips a few pages nonchalantly; the strong man rubs his feet together nervously. The publisher slams the manuscript on his desk, and thru clenched teeth that are securing a cheap cigar, blurts “Ah think yew gotsa real seller here!”

The book is published in a hardbound teal cover with gold embroidery. The strong man holds a copy of the book, and explores the surface with his toes.
It’s a reality.
“If only papa was alive to see this day,” the strong man waxes. But no tears, for this is a day of celebration! Days go by, then weeks, then months. He has yet to receive a royalties check. On the phone, the Texan consoles “Look, them things take time to get off da ground.” More months pass. The Texan doesn’t return his phone calls anymore. The strong man counts his dimes and goes to the Dollar Tree; times are tough, and even Molly’s unquenchable well of support seems to be drying. At the Dollar Tree he picks up a dented can of beans…half a candy bar. He looks at a shelf—discounted books for $1.00. Amongst the collateral, he sees a book…with a teal cover…and gold embroidery. A single tear rolls down his chin and lands on the gum smeared floor. He whispers “America…the land of broken dreams.”

THE END

Seriously, this is the kind of crap I think about in everyday life. I was at the Dollar Tree (EVERYTHING’S A MOTHER EFFING DOLLAR!!!) and was surprised that there were some pretty good deals. But when I stumbled upon the library of shame: books originally twenty bucks reduced to ah dollah. All these authors probably thought they’d write the next ‘Harry Potter’ or ‘Eragon’. And look where all their classes and traingings and poetry jams have taken them!

Wow, can I make things crushingly depressing.

====================
Cappy’s Rockin’ Rendition
====================
Anybody with a knowledge of Guillermo del Toro’s previous work must have come to a quick summary of what his newest movie represented: Hellboy vs. the monsters from Pan’s Labyrinth.

I came up with this joke a little after seeing the trailers for the ‘Hellboy 2’ movie, but held off on illustrating it on the off chance I didn’t like the movie. Now, with advanced technologies such as “having moneys” I was able to pick up a copy of the DVD and review it for myself.

SPOILER: It did not disappoint.

====================
Cappy’s Rockin’ Review…Hellboy And The Golden Army
====================
Firstly, if you plan on buying the movie, I urge you to pick up the Wal-Mart release of the film. In my haste to see it, I picked up a copy at Target. Wal-Mart gives you a figurine of a Golden Army golem, a poster, a notebook with various illustrations, and a coupon for a personal back massage from del Toro himself.

Now then, the best way to describe this movie is “artist crack”. The creator of the comic book allowed del Toro free rein to create creatures and backdrops for this movie, since the History Channel already dominated the Nazi merchandising. The visuals are absolutely outstanding that you’ll have to fight against pausing the film and doodling the inspiration this movie conjures up.

Many critics seem to harp on the movie with such statements as “it looks like leftovers from ‘ Pan’s Labyrinth’.” My response to this is “I know, awesome huh?” I think it’s commendable when a director has such a distinct style that you can recognize it without knowing that he or she directed it. And such a style truly feels like you’re watching a whole nother world, that I’d make the claim that if del Toro had been in charge of ‘The Lord Of The Rings’ trilogy, they wouldn’t have sucked.
You heard me.

Oh sure, the films made a kajillion dollars, spawned legions of fans, but Cappy didn’t like it.
Update Wikipedia accordingly.
I think I even fell asleep. The best defense of my position is the phenomenon presented in ‘Star Wars Episode 2’. I mean, one or two awesome war scenes do NOT justify having to sit thru two hours of boring exposition. A fellow art buddy vishal4u [link] stated “Yeah, ‘The Dark Knight’ was able to pull off talking about a lot of the political story because there was explosions and cool stuff going on at the same time”.
TRUE DAT.

I found it like watching a big budgeted renfaire LARP fest with grown men wearing period costumes and hiking thru a lot of grasslands. Be honest, could you really tell a secondary character from ‘Lord Of The Rings’ if it were mixed with other secondary characters from say ‘Narnia’ or ‘Eregon’ or any of the legions of other “exciting stuff only happened to White people in those days” fantasy pictures. Del Toro has made it clear from watching the bonus features that he can craft functioning worlds that had me wanting to watch the movie again because it was so alien and fascinating.

I am sure several of you are about to illustrate anti fanart of me being molested by Sauron in the shire on a bed made of hobbits. However, I’d like to point out that I’m apparently not the only one who sees such promise, and del Toro has been picked to direct the ‘Hobbit’ film.

Hmm, I seem to have gotten off track. Anyway, the film was surprisingly enjoyable, and most of the characters had an interesting quirk about them that made them watchable onscreen. The only real critique would be that I was more intrigued by the world AROUND the Hellboy characters that I probably would have rather had a standalone film based around del Toro’s creations if it meant more time learning about his vision.
-The “Get It…Goat, Goad…You, Ewe. I AM THE LINGUISTIC OMEGA!!” Cappy

For the copycats: Micron pigma pen 05, prismacolor markers, sharpie marker.
References: google image search for “hellboy” and “ pans labyrinth faun”.

Description
====================
Cappy’s Random Rant
====================
I want you to picture…a little boy. In a country that has an impossibly hard to pronounce name, there is cabin perched on a grassy hill surrounded by the blackest forest that perfumes the area in Christmas-like pine. Inside a little nook of the cabin, the little boy gets ready for bed. By the friendly yellowish glow of a candle made of oxen fat, his father sits by the boy’s bed and recalls myths of the Old Country.

“My son, have I told you the story of the fearsome Basilisk?” asks the father in a voice aged by years of a hardened life.
The little boy, with a twinkle in his eye, chirps “Yes papa, you have. Oh, but tell me again! One day I wish to go to America, the land of dreams, and shall publish your stories! And it will make little boys all over that nation as happy as I!”

The little boy saves money from selling yams at the local market, and in several years he finds himself a young lad at a prestigious American University. Refusing to use modern technology such as pens, he dips a pigeon quill into a jar of india ink and scribes fantastical stories about sandy golems stealing children under the harvest moon, and of the harpy who sings a painfully lonely song as she watches the town from her mountain perch knowing she can never visit there.

The teachers praise the young lad. “You will go far, and your stories will inspire generations of authors!” the educators encourage. Horrifically, the young lad is involved in a freak meat grinder accident, and his hands are removed from his body. In his sterilized hospital bed, the young lad looks at his mummified nubs and weeps “I have failed you, papa! I have lost the hands that were meant to publish your words!” Just then…a homely yet cute redheaded nurse by the name of Molly enters the young lad’s room to change the dressings.

Through Molly’s infectious optimism, she helps the young lad in rehabilitation; he eventually learns to use his feet to grasp a pen. His dreams are yet to be shattered! This young lad becomes a strong man, and with Molly by his side serving him mint tea, he footlooses page after page of myths for his literary opus. He packs a suitcase, and with a kiss from Molly, he hops a jet to meet a bigwig Texan publisher. The rotund man on the other side of the table flips a few pages nonchalantly; the strong man rubs his feet together nervously. The publisher slams the manuscript on his desk, and thru clenched teeth that are securing a cheap cigar, blurts “Ah think yew gotsa real seller here!”

The book is published in a hardbound teal cover with gold embroidery. The strong man holds a copy of the book, and explores the surface with his toes.
It’s a reality.
“If only papa was alive to see this day,” the strong man waxes. But no tears, for this is a day of celebration! Days go by, then weeks, then months. He has yet to receive a royalties check. On the phone, the Texan consoles “Look, them things take time to get off da ground.” More months pass. The Texan doesn’t return his phone calls anymore. The strong man counts his dimes and goes to the Dollar Tree; times are tough, and even Molly’s unquenchable well of support seems to be drying. At the Dollar Tree he picks up a dented can of beans…half a candy bar. He looks at a shelf—discounted books for $1.00. Amongst the collateral, he sees a book…with a teal cover…and gold embroidery. A single tear rolls down his chin and lands on the gum smeared floor. He whispers “America…the land of broken dreams.”

THE END

Seriously, this is the kind of crap I think about in everyday life. I was at the Dollar Tree (EVERYTHING’S A MOTHER EFFING DOLLAR!!!) and was surprised that there were some pretty good deals. But when I stumbled upon the library of shame: books originally twenty bucks reduced to ah dollah. All these authors probably thought they’d write the next ‘Harry Potter’ or ‘Eragon’. And look where all their classes and traingings and poetry jams have taken them!

Wow, can I make things crushingly depressing.

====================
Cappy’s Rockin’ Rendition
====================
Anybody with a knowledge of Guillermo del Toro’s previous work must have come to a quick summary of what his newest movie represented: Hellboy vs. the monsters from Pan’s Labyrinth.

I came up with this joke a little after seeing the trailers for the ‘Hellboy 2’ movie, but held off on illustrating it on the off chance I didn’t like the movie. Now, with advanced technologies such as “having moneys” I was able to pick up a copy of the DVD and review it for myself.

SPOILER: It did not disappoint.

====================
Cappy’s Rockin’ Review…Hellboy And The Golden Army
====================
Firstly, if you plan on buying the movie, I urge you to pick up the Wal-Mart release of the film. In my haste to see it, I picked up a copy at Target. Wal-Mart gives you a figurine of a Golden Army golem, a poster, a notebook with various illustrations, and a coupon for a personal back massage from del Toro himself.

Now then, the best way to describe this movie is “artist crack”. The creator of the comic book allowed del Toro free rein to create creatures and backdrops for this movie, since the History Channel already dominated the Nazi merchandising. The visuals are absolutely outstanding that you’ll have to fight against pausing the film and doodling the inspiration this movie conjures up.

Many critics seem to harp on the movie with such statements as “it looks like leftovers from ‘ Pan’s Labyrinth’.” My response to this is “I know, awesome huh?” I think it’s commendable when a director has such a distinct style that you can recognize it without knowing that he or she directed it. And such a style truly feels like you’re watching a whole nother world, that I’d make the claim that if del Toro had been in charge of ‘The Lord Of The Rings’ trilogy, they wouldn’t have sucked.
You heard me.

Oh sure, the films made a kajillion dollars, spawned legions of fans, but Cappy didn’t like it.
Update Wikipedia accordingly.
I think I even fell asleep. The best defense of my position is the phenomenon presented in ‘Star Wars Episode 2’. I mean, one or two awesome war scenes do NOT justify having to sit thru two hours of boring exposition. A fellow art buddy vishal4u [link] stated “Yeah, ‘The Dark Knight’ was able to pull off talking about a lot of the political story because there was explosions and cool stuff going on at the same time”.
TRUE DAT.

I found it like watching a big budgeted renfaire LARP fest with grown men wearing period costumes and hiking thru a lot of grasslands. Be honest, could you really tell a secondary character from ‘Lord Of The Rings’ if it were mixed with other secondary characters from say ‘Narnia’ or ‘Eregon’ or any of the legions of other “exciting stuff only happened to White people in those days” fantasy pictures. Del Toro has made it clear from watching the bonus features that he can craft functioning worlds that had me wanting to watch the movie again because it was so alien and fascinating.

I am sure several of you are about to illustrate anti fanart of me being molested by Sauron in the shire on a bed made of hobbits. However, I’d like to point out that I’m apparently not the only one who sees such promise, and del Toro has been picked to direct the ‘Hobbit’ film.

Hmm, I seem to have gotten off track. Anyway, the film was surprisingly enjoyable, and most of the characters had an interesting quirk about them that made them watchable onscreen. The only real critique would be that I was more intrigued by the world AROUND the Hellboy characters that I probably would have rather had a standalone film based around del Toro’s creations if it meant more time learning about his vision.
-The “Get It…Goat, Goad…You, Ewe. I AM THE LINGUISTIC OMEGA!!” Cappy

For the copycats: Micron pigma pen 05, prismacolor markers, sharpie marker.
References: google image search for “hellboy” and “ pans labyrinth faun”.