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Mystmyst29 β PKMN-Crossing Application - Sosuneki
Published: 2012-08-07 15:34:03 +0000 UTC; Views: 2009; Favourites: 25; Downloads: 12
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Description
Please forgive the length it's not too boring I promise you
application for
Edit 1: Fixed some typos and grammar errors while adding history with her father.
Edit 2: Added more story with the mother.
Edit 3: Seperated paragraphs and talked more about her personality as well as removing some stuff and replacing some stuff.
Edit 4: I GOT IN >w<
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NAME: Sosuneki
NICKNAME: Sosu AGE: 19 BIRTHDAY: May 5 GENDER: Female NATURE: Timid POKEMON / HUMAN: #058 Growlithe HOMETOWN: Violet City HISTORY: 
The Family.Sosuneki was born in Violet City and grew up in a small toy store, owned by her parents, that sold hand made toys and stuffed Pokemon. Her mom ,a lovely Ninetales, sews the stuffed pokemon while her father, a dashing Arcanine, crafts the many trinkets in the store. After Sosunekiβs play time, she would go inside to watch her mom sew lovely Pokemon and would always ask if she could help; this was usually met with "No not until you are older" or "After you finish your lessons". After finishing the days quota Sosuneki's mom would take her and teach her how to sew stuffed Pokemon.
Bunn-bunn.After she got some practice in, her mother let her sew some ears on a stuffed Buneary that was to be sold the next day. After getting the ears on, she ran over to her mom and showed her; her mom gave her a smile and pointed out that the ears were on the wrong side, then she suggested that Sosuneki keep it. She was sad at first and went into her room for a little and cried into her pillows. After a while her mom came in and told her every one makes a mistake but sometimes those mistakes can lead to something really special and suggested she should give a name to it. She nodded and named her Bunn-bunn.
Her Father.Her father would be busy throughout the day in the workshop while her mom was busy during the evening. Her mom ran the shop and made the stuffed pokemon while her father would work on more toys. During the weekends Sosuneki would sometimes sit in the work room with her father watching him using his flamethrower to heat the metal to bend it. Most of the shops toys were made of metal, because it was easier for her father to work with. Sosuneki became a little helper to her father and would hand him tools and would periodically hold stuff still for him. Whenever her dad didnβt have much to work with he would take her out to the movies or fishing. She would start to cling to him which made him start to push her to make some friends so he could have some breathing room. Following her fathers advice, Sosuneki eventually made two friends, a male Sentret and a female Buizel.
School.Growing up was not easy for her, because, when she was little and in school, she was worried that she would be ridiculed for looking like her father, instead of her gorgeous mother like every other kid did. Sosuneki would try her best to act as much like her mom as possible so that she could make up for having her farther's looks. Sosuneki had no sense of humor when it came to jokes about her or her family, the other kids would mean it in good fun, but, not understanding this, she would do what her father had taught her, to fight to protect yourself and what you love. She would use her fire fang to teach them not to mess with her or her family, causing her to get in a lot of trouble in school and have other kids start to avoid her. Her other friends, not being in her school, did not know this side of her and continued to hang out with her and learn that she is very outgoing once you get to know her.
Helping the Business.She enjoyed sewing like her mom did so she would try to stick to that aspect of her. Occasionally Sosuneki would stat inside the house and practice her sewing silently, so she can grow up to be as good as her mom. As Sosuneki got older, she ended up working for the shop and making her own stuffed Pokemon. She had a hard time at first thinking she was doing an awful job managing the shop and would shake every time a customer came in mainly because of her timid approach to life. Eventually she got used to the people that came in and would chat with them before they had to leave making her alone in the shop once again.
A Trouble in the Business.While Sosuneki was minding the store, her father went out to pick up a delivery on his way back he dropped the box he was carrying on his foot shattering several bones in it. Her father was admitted to a hospital to get work done on his foot, causing the toy store to close for a while. Her fathers hospital bills became expensive, this event caused Sosuneki to sell the stuff she made out of the store to try and make money at weekend markets. She would make enough to help her father but the shop and the weekend market was not enough to get it done efficiently.
Learning about Pokette. Sosuneki would continued to work in the family shop, until the day she turned nineteen when her mom told her that there was a town called Pokette that she had heard about. Her mom had been told there were kind people living there and it would be the perfect place for Sosuneki to start a new life on her own. At first Sosuneki just ran to the pond near her house, and out of rage and sorrow she started to skip rocks she was a clingy child and did not want to leave her parents just yet. Her mother soon came in to comfort her and tell her that if she goes to Pokette town and lives there successfully that on her twentieth birthday, she would send her a fire stone to evolve into a Arcanine like her father. Sosuneki thought to herself about her life and how she could still sell stuffed pokemon to help earn money for her dads hospital bills. She nodded and took an application form to the town hall in Pokette town with hopes of getting in and selling stuffed Pokemon like her mom and help pay for her fathers hospital bills.
HOBBY: Cleaning, and Sewing Stuffed Pokemon JOB: None yet, but will sell Stuffed Pokemon she makes FAVORITE FOOD: Cheese Tortillas with Hot Sauce FAVORITE BERRY: Pecha Berry CATCHPHRASE: Aroo EXTRAS:- Can withstand most Spicy foods
- Clumsy when it comes to walking
- Loves to Lay in the sun
- Still sleeps with Bunn-bunn
- Likes to make stuffed Pokemon for others
- Favorite color is Pink
- She can swim.
- Is more outgoing once she gets to know someone.
- Dislikes loud noises
- Judges people by looks
- Believes in her sewing abilities.
- Sympathetic
ACCESSORIES: round glasses, a ribbon, and a stuffed Buneary named Bunn-bunn MOVESET:- Fire Fang
- Dig
- Roar
- Flame Wheel
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Please give me a critique I would appreciate it very much
Sosuneki (c) Me
Pokemon (c) Nintendo
Related content
Comments: 43
you will eventually >w>
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thank you very much
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You made it in! Great job!
Welcome to town! I hope she and LuLu get to see each other soon. C:
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Ahh, another Growlithe! Welcome to Pokette~!! :3
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Yup, Thanks I can't wait to roleplay with anyone that wants too ^^
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Hiya! I'll critique you app for you. Please don't take me as a harsh critic I'd love to see you make it into the group.
*looks at the app* Wow that a lot of text! Honestly it is a bit overwheming. My first suggestion is seperating the text more into paragraphs. It makes it less daunting to read.
I love your character. She's cute and her design fits the town well. I love the fact she came from a toy shop. That's clever and original. Well done!
That aside there are a few nit-picky things I need to go through with your story and her personality. The group you are trying to get into is very very picky about these things so I'll be grading you app harshy.
I think that the first paragraph goes on a bit too long. You keep going on and on about the toy shop and while that sets the background it is tiring to read. I think you should try to condense it a bit, get the essentials. If you find you can't (which I don't blame you its hard to get rid of stuff) I suggest labling the paragraphs to make it easier. i.e. Her parents, Getting Bunn-Bunn, New Job, etc. It'll make it easier to read and will get her story across better.
Why does she have problems making friends? That's something that I felt like wasn't answered in-depth enough. Is it a scarring experience? A bad run-in with a customer? There has to be a reason why she didn't make any friends all those years.
I feel like this story has a beginning and an end. Not really a middle. She works at a toy shop, she can't friends so she goes to Pokette. The end. I feel like there is an event missing in her life that would flesh out the story more. I'll give you a few ideas (they're not the best but they'll get your brain working)-
-She enters a plushie-making contest and loses (or wins, its all up to you).
-A family member becomes ill or gets in trouble.
-Her parents have problems with the plushie store. (Goes out of business, etc.)
-Or maybe the plushie store grows more popular! I dunno, something that makes it feel complete.
I also feel like her reason to go to Pokette should be better. Don't get me wrong I think moving there to get new friends is fine. However keep in mind that this group will only be accepting around fifty apps at the opening. I've seen a lot of app so far with the same reason you have. I feel like you should get creative, make her reason stand out from the crowd. This is entirely up to you, however. If you decide to keep her reason the same that's perfectly fine.
Now onto the personality! (Dang...why are my critiques so long...)
I feel like your character is a bit of a Mary-Sue. Not a complete one but justs shows Mary-Sue-like traits. If you don't know what a Mary-Sue is, look it up. Its really helpful when submitting to groups.
P(Problem)-"Growing up was not easy for her, because when she was little and in school she got mocked for being shiny and sometimes ridiculed for looking like her father, not like her gorgeous mother like every other kid did." Everyone hates her. Typical Mary-Sue trait. Also the mods don't like it when "being a shiny" is an excuse for bullying.
S(Solution)-If possible take the bullying aspect out, just for safety. Also get rid of the shiny excuse. She's just different-let's keep it at that.
P-She doesn't have much of a personality. All I can really get is that she's shy and a hard worker.
S-Give her more traits-make a tee-chart. Make sure her bad traits don't outbalance her good traits. I also suggest making a personality paragraph. Not only it helps you but the mods too-they can see easily that if your character has flaws she's not a Mary-Sue.
P-"She would try and make friends but instead got ignored." Everyone hates her. Why do the kids ignore her? There has to be a reason.
S-Take that part out. Maybe you could make it so she doesn't wish to make friends because of a scarring past experience. (Heh, heh.) Just don't make her past too dramatic though. The mods don't like that either. (Believe me I've seen their journals of why they declined people...)
Overall you have a great character! With just a few re-workings you'll be ready for the openings. If you have any more questions or you wish for me to check it over contact me. Best of luck!~
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Oh gosh thank you very much! ;u;~
Okay so to some of the problems and solutions I have a way to fix them now~.
I will also label and most likely separate the paragraphs better it is a REALLY bad habit of mine to do text blocks.
Personality beefing~:
`Negatives`
- Judges by appearance (One reason she has troubles making friends)
~ She believes that if they look mean they are mean.
- Can't take a joke.(another reason she has troubles with friends.)
~ Whenever someone says something jokingly she would get into a fight.
- Timid
~ Believes she isn't beautiful because she is different so she would avoid trying to make friends in fear of being mocked behind her back.
- Daddy's & Mommy's little girl (Made it hard to decide to move to Pokette)
~ She clings to her parents
'Positives'
- Kind
~ She is kind to others when they are kind to her
- Believes in her work
~ She believes she is getting better at what she does every day.
- Outgoing once you get to know her
~ She will try and do her best to make her friends/family happy
- Sympathetic
~ She can put herself in someone else's shoes
- Why can't she make friends?
~ I'm going to get rid of the bullying, and instead going to make it her fault. Main reason being she believes since she is different that no one will like her and this causes her to be timid. And when kids are picking at her she would get mad and into a fight with said kid, this would cause some kids to be afraid of her and not approach her. I'm also going to add two friends so she will have someone to help her not to appear too timid.
- No ending & reason for moving to pokette.
~ Ending, I have decided to go with family trauma. I have decided to have her father get injured to the point that he had to go to a hospital (Possibly from a accident dealing with him being out getting tools and a heavy box falling on him.). This causes them to have to close the store until her dad gets healed fully. (This will help her with her New moving to Pokette aspect)
~ Moving to Pokette, I'm going to have friends be a reason but not the main. The new reason she decided to go to Pokette is to help expand on the shop and earn some money by selling the plushies she makes and sending the money back to her family to help with the hospital bills and the store. Her fathers injury will now be what edged her to move.
How does that sound, Please ignore grammar/spelling mistakes in this I am typing on Firefox and not going to get this proof read ^^". Again thankyou for you're help I really appreciate it.
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Ooooo I like the changes! Her personality seems fine now. You balanced her out well. Just remember to mention why she feels people will mock her behind her back. You know, to make it more believable.
I also like the changes to the story! Just make sure not to make her father's accident too traumatic. Maybe he could still be fine and well except for the fact that his foot is damaged.
That's great you made those changes! I'm trying out for the group too (if you haven't noticed). Maybe our pokemon could meet. 
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Okay, good I'll fix her after I post something and give it to someone ^^ I am actually really excited for this fix again thank you very much and good luck as well and I would love our pokemon to meet ^^~
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Yeah! That would be cool! C:
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okay it's updated ^^.
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She's cute and very remember able.
I like the history but I think you should add in why she is so vulnerable. Was it a past experience? Or does she just not like criticism?
I think that she is a good char though so...GOOD LUCK~
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Thanks, I tried to put in why she is vulnerable but i couldn't figure out where to stick it properly. I was thinking it was because she was attached to her parents. And through the bullying of being an abnormal child since she looks like her dad instead of being the same pokemon as her mom like how most other pokemon are and for having a different fur color. If you have any ideas tell me I would love some ideas :3.
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Maybe you could put in the "extras" category.
Yeah, I see where you're going.
I can't think of any right now but if I do, I will totally tell ya~
Good luck
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Yeah, I could thanks X3
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Hee, Sosu looks like a little ball of sunshine <3 *huggles*
Anyhoodle I'm going to try and give you some feedback that isn't totally useless
Okay, this first one is very minor, and I'm not sure whether this is a problem for PKMNC, but: according to the in-game breeding rules of pokemon, an egg hatched by a female Ninetales should be a Vulpix, not the species of the father (since an egg will always hatch into the species of the mother, or one of her pre-evolutionary forms). Like I said, I'm not sure whether this is allowed or not, but if it isn't it can be be easily fixed by just swapping the mom's and dad's species.
Also, I know that Sosu has a timid nature (which you portrayed well, for the most part) but running up to her room and crying those two times her mother talked her (first about the doll, then about moving away) seems just a bit too much. Don't get me wrong, it could just be part of her character- but right now it's kind of abrupt and sudden that when he mom says something that sounds gentle to her, she goes up to her room and bawls. If it's IS her character to be that vulnerable towards criticism, you may want to say so, like 'the reason Sosu did this was because she felt'- blah blah blah. Basically you may just want to add more detail to why she's in distress.
Okay I hope that helps c:
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I'll go check about the egg thing soon and I'll fix it if I have to other wise I'm most likely going to leave it alone thinks for helping me there though ^^, if I end up having to change it I will. And when I re read through it I thought the same thing about the crying, though I'm still going to keep the Buneary one (since she was a little kid) in I was thinking about changing the second one to her skipping rocks on the water or maybe just sitting with her legs in the water, though its most likely going to end up being the first one :3. Thank you very much for the help >w< now I am off to look at the rules wheeee~
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Welcome c:
Best of luck~!
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I didn't see anything about parents in the rules so I just added that like every other kid at the end of the sntence on how she is made fun of.
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Also, she is so cute and timid! I hope she can find her confidence and friends. <:]
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yeah me to ^^ you should I bet you could make it in and we could even connect our pasts if you want ^^, if you end up wanting the app I can send you a link
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im thinking about it.
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[link] Well there is the link to the app and I would post it in the comments of the group when your done asking for critique the openings next month >w< and that would be awesome
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I think your character is very cute. She'd fit in well in Pokette.
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You're welcome. Hope you get in ^_^
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I think your character is very cute. She'd fit in well in Pokette.
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Sosuneki is so cute! ^_^ I kinda want to know more about her mother though...
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Really? anything you have in mind ^^?
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Like anything other than the doll, is there any personal relationship with her mom?
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Oh okay! I'll try to add something in soon ^^
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Thanks and see my charater Dot sometime
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I like her! You have a few spelling/grammar errors like at the beginning in "Sosuneki was born in Violet city, Sosuneki grew up in a small toy store who sold hand made toys and stuffed Pokemon." It might look better to put in "Sosuneki was born in Violet City and grew up in a small toy store, owned by her parents (I'm assuming it was owned by her parents right?), who sold hand made toys and stuffed Pokemon." So you're not repeating her name in the same sentence.
"After Sosunekiβs play time, she would come in sand watch her mom sew lovely Pokemon..." I think you meant "inside" instead of "in sand".
And "...like the day she messed up Bunn-bunns ears." It should be Bunn-bunn's.
You could put in her relationship with her father since she looks more like him. Is she an only child? It also might help to add how her Timid nature affected her in her history.
Could you check out my application too? [link]
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Thanks and I agree I was thinking about adding her relationship with her dad but wasn't sure how to put it in, thanks for helping me. And you helped me of course I'll look at it ^^.
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Oh ok cool. If you need any more help let me know! and my character's history is kinda long 
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